Monday, May 18, 2009

#19 Kegs

Previously referenced in #7 Stories about College Parties, Kegs are a bro staple. Three kegs is pretty much the standard for any party. Bros will however just get one keg to chill on, but this is primarily for a pregame rather than an actual party.

Bros love talking about where they get their kegs. Extra bro-cred is given to whoever knows the place that sells kegs the cheapest, no matter how far away that place might be. In college, we used to drive 45 minutes away to pick up kegs of Natty that were $5 cheaper than the kegs at Food Lion just down the street, but it was totally worth it because we got to tell everyone about the place that sold $40 kegs and how great a deal it was.

Possibly the most valued item among a bro’s possessions is his keg tap. Every bro has a story about how he acquired the tap itself. Often times it will be passed down from his big brother in his fraternity, or more likely the bro stole it. This is a point of pride for any bro because the keg tap steal is one of the most difficult and biggest dick moves out there. If you are able to steal a tap from a keg in the middle of a party, you might have what it takes to be a bro-king. Everyone knows of bros who have attempted this, but I know of only one person who has ever been successful. He’s a really good stealer though, so it should be expected. This is the same guy who used to go to the library during exam time and when people would go to the bathroom or take a break from cramming, he would take their textbooks and sell them back to the bookstore. Such a bro.

Once you have your cheap keg and tap and the party is rolling, bros assume their favorite position: right next to the keg. Bros love hanging by the keg the entire night just chilling. This gives bros the chance to never have to wait to fill up their cup and maximize on brew. This also allows bros to let everyone know that they tapped the keg and that is why it’s pulling so well and there is such little head. Bros are experts at exactly how many pumps the keg needs and how the SOLO cup should be tilted during the pour. Bros can also tell how much beer is left in the keg by simply lifting the keg up and they do this pretty much every 15 minutes, usually making a point to show how heavy it is and making the announcement to the party that “We’re still in great shape” and that “Everyone should stop being pussies and start pounding their drinks.”

31 comments:

Philip said...

Broble: Book 3; verse 1.1

"thou shalt not kill another bro's vibe"

Stealing a tap in the middle of a party that you and your bros are at is a clear contradiction and no bro of mine would ever do such a thing.

You need to clean this shit up if you want to represent bros.

1 Tru Bro said...

Don't be such a bro hater philip. if me and my bros are at party and we decide to steal that tap you better believe its b/c the dudes hosting the party ain't true bros so they deserve to have their tap stolen...i would steal the tap from your party philip you lameass bro hater

ryan said...

Clearly philip is right here. Dont kill vibes. Obviously he's bro enough to have his own keg and tap as is. TruBro is the bro hater here because he would rather walk away with a tap and nothing else while bros like Phil and I would rather get fucked up at slam hot bras later. Enjoy your tap though you sober bro hater.

Ned's Younger Brother said...

Let me try to clear this up - the party where said tap was stolen was lame as shit. Philip's only mistake is assuming bros were throwing the party. Simply having a keg does NOT make you a bro. By no means whatsoever am I promoting killing bro-vibes, however I know for a fact that the stolen tap was used at some crucial keggers so I would argue the end justifies the means in this particular example.

Philip said...

Always assume Phil's going to a bros party.

brosef said...

I say it depends on the party: If said party truly is a brotastic party, then stealing the tap and killing the bro-vibe would be detrimental to getting fucked up; if the party is lame, gank that shit. The loser host is probably only rolling two deep anyway and probably only got bros to go to the party by advertising free drinks for sluts. Also, 1 tru bro would not be sober b/c he would only steal the tap if he was already fucked up....duh.

Local Dan said...

Tru bro you must be a bromatuer. Phillip is doing the right thing here by keeping the the first commandment in mind. Though shalt never kill a bro's vibe. While a party may be lame, some shredder is likely doing a good job of getting a little wet from that keg. Stop being a selfish non-bro and hold it down for all the bromosapiens out there. Remember this Tru bro you kill a bro's vibe, I'll poach your waves and snake your pow.

Anonymous said...

Stealing a tap from a party is a bro-move that is most successful when two bros work together. One bro to flip every circuit breaker to every bit of electricity at the party, and the other to take the tap and leave. It is a dick move and is definitely a party killer, but when the party throwers are douches it warrants swift action because the party sucked anyway and your bros need the tap more than they do.

Anonymous said...

If they were real bro's throwing the party you couldn't steal the tap, cause we'd be pouring and drinking mad brews from it all night.

Anonymous said...

Props on the tap steal, would never try that one. But did steal an empty keg shell from a lame party in college. From that time on, never had to worry about a deposit. Obviously bro-fives commenced all around.

Anonymous said...

This brings up another important point, if you are at a lame party, like one thrown by unpokeable bras, then it is a bro's duty to thrash the party before making a bro-like exit. Snatching the tapper is one way, other ways include lifting other stuff from the party or the house, or getting into a fake fight with other bros, trashing the place, then making a quick exit. Extra bro points if one of your bros bleeds on some furniture at the party after the staged fight.

Anonymous said...

a few years back in my college days me and my bros lived next to a bunch of dirty sluts - they attempted to have an outdoor rager in the backyard but A) no one came B) they only had ONE keg so it was technically not even a rager... anyways, after a night or rolling deep and dominating at the bar with my bros, we strolled into our connecting back yard and I stole thier basically FULL keg (WITH tap i might add) and proceeded to carry it into my house, up my stairs and put it in our bathroom for me and my bros to drink at our convenience (while showering, shaving, or dropping huge duces)

one of my finest (and funniest) steals of my career...

joey said...

nah man its cool to steal a tap if its a beat ass party and then ur a fuckin hero

Tom Brokaw said...

We couldn't have kegs at my school so my frat would rock 70-80 cases of PBR for a party. I think that's fantastic. DU all the goddamn time.

Anonymous said...

freshman year of college me and like 6 bros stole a tap from some lame partys keg. they had the keg on the front porch so once we decided that the party sucked and it was bar time i stood infront of the keg talking to some bro-hater and distracting him then my bro took the tap, threw it in the front yard and another bro grabbed it and we walked away with it un noticed. bro team work is unstopable

John said...

Apparently, I'm a bro-king. Never really thought about myself having reached such elite status, but I have stolen 3 keg taps in the past year. At one party, they were just douche bags. At another, the party was incredibly lame, and after having walked 30 min to get a cup full of foam I had to teach them a lesson. And the 3rd tap I stole was so shitty it didn't deserve to be used to dispense some high quality natty light. Naturally, I chose the best tap of the three and lent it to some bro friends who threw great parties every weekend. Now, what about stealing full kegs from douche bags that throw shitty parties? That's a bro-king move if I've ever heard of one.

Anonymous said...

apparently im also a bro-king having drank the bro-haters keg dry then stealing the keg tap as well as the only handle they had at the party fuck bro-haters

Anonymous said...

No Big Deal. Me And My Bros Shotgunned a Keg.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CbfbA7XPoBQ

Anonymous said...

This is almost as good as stealing a keg. Some of my frat bros happened to come across the wallet of a nonbro from another frat. Upon looking in the wallet we found a perfectly good credit card. What did my bros do? Immediately went and bought 2 kegs with said credit card and had a backyard party at my bro's bro-pad. Total bro domination. Brominatiom

Anonymous said...

I can usually tell in the first 2 minutes if the party belongs to bro-haters... It's at this point I proceed to steal the tap, but I would never steal a tap if the party is brotastic.

Anonymous said...

Me and my bro were out at Radford last year, expectin some mad ragers from out frat's chapter there. Instead they were a bunch of douche bags who didn't deserve to own 10 shirts with our letters on them. Needless to say I got myself a new tap that night.

Anonymous said...

Stealing taps is the way frats fuck with eachother. It is definitely bro to steal a tap from a rival frat. Especially as a pledge. They should be watching their shit. This is how its done.

Find a keg not in the main room--put a cup over the tap and tell people its kicked. Once they leave, untap and get the fuck out the back door.

Done.

Anonymous said...

bro, its not as easy as you think to steal a tap. me and my brothers are on top of our shit. some pi kapp pledge bro hater tried to steal ours one night and we beat him fucking senseless. then he dropped their pledge process. fuckin pussy

Muggsy Brogues said...

Being apart of the universal bro nation, my fellow bros and I decided to "misplace" a keg from a nearby party in our garage. It took some serious bro strength to get it there. However when the slampieces showed, the real party started. Ended up tossing the empty keg in their yard the next day. The only way a bro can do it.

Anonymous said...

This past spring semester some of my brothers and I rolled up on a rival fraternity's party, and insisted that both their president and social chairmen had permitted us to come. (Until recently our rivaly had been fading, and everyone seemed to get along. But this fraternity was a bunch of hipster douches who like to touch eachother at night, and that just isn't how true bro's roll.) This however, was a damn lie. We knew that we weren't welcome there. We didn't want to be in their fucking lame ass party. However, some fellow bros and I had overheard during our bro-feast at the cafeteria that they believed that they could social save money by keeping the keg outside while it was still cold, and not having to buy a keg-bucket or ice. Epic fail on their behalf. They went inside to confirm our lie with their president and social chairman, and while they were inside we went to their side door and stole their fucking keg and added it to our already three keg party. Crushing four kegs after pre-gaming wasn't too bad. Fucking bro as shit. Thus, the rivalry between bro and hipster fraternity was re-ignited, and the bro's fucking came out on top, just like it SHOULD be. Fucking hipster fags.

Brotorious B.I.G. said...

twas the end of the summer. two bros and i went on an epic 2000 mile broadtrip to south carolina. after absolutely killin it for a week straight, we decided to give it one last fuckin hoorah and attend a massive rush party and act interested in rushing even though we are frat bros at a different school already. after making every yiddie there either funnel or do a keg stand, fast forward a few blackout hours. each of my bros and i woke up in separate slig's beds spread out across campus. i, however, also woke up to the greatest fuckin prize of them all sitting at the foot of the bed; a full keg of natty complete with tap that u better believe was jacked from that rush p. let's go get a god damn snack.

Anonymous said...

My bros and I would make it a point to steal the entire keg full of beer. If anyone said shit we would just remind them who we were and punch there face in. After a while people got smart, so me and another bro would stand at the door and charge people when they came to the party. Even marking there hands with a sharpie so we know who paid. One word... CLASSIC.

Cleveland BROwns said...

Have you bros ever heard of/participated in a keg race? It consists of a day drinking event (because bros fucking love day drinking) where you split your bros into five teams and put each team on a keg, first team to finish their keg is pronounced the winner and are guaranteed entry into valhalla, the most fucking bro place ever.

Anonymous said...

ultimate bro move is stealing the keg and the tap (from a bro-hater of course). i have pulled it off twice not an easy task, requires you to be extremely fucked up already and to not give a fuck

Anonymous said...

best bro move i've seen. back in college me and my bros were at a lame house party so we decided to check out a party across the street. this party also sucked dick. naturally the only thing to do was steal the half full keg and take it to our bros house a few houses a way. word got out that somebody from the first party (us) stole the keg from the other party. long story short a huge brawl broke out in the middle of the street. me and bros just sat on the porch drinking the stolen keg watching this happen.

Anonymous said...

Shit dont just snag the tap .. take the keg as well..

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Copyright 2010 Bros Like This Site LLC