It's a hot July day. You've got all your tables out in your backyard of your #32 Bro Pad. You bought like 5 #19 Kegs. You even just bought a baby pool and slip and slide for the luge portion of the competition. Your slampiece texted you to see what you are doing today, even though she already knew - fucking dumb bitch. Doesn't she know it's still light outside? All your bros are showing up in a couple minutes so you do some last minute work to get the platform and medals aka spray painted beer cans ready. Now you are finally set to go to work. That's right - its time for your annual Bro Beer Olympics.
Newsflash - Bros fucking love drinking. But what do bros love even more than drinking and perhaps ankle socks? Drinking during the fucking day. Now, any true bro would love to drink all day everyday but the biggest bro hater of all - society - says that this makes you an alcoholic. I would first like to say fuck you to society, you fucking bro hater. Just because you ended up alone, crying, and masturbating after unsuccessfully taking girls out on dates your whole life and we banged them after not even knowing their name doesn't mean you have to make this shit personal. Nevertheless, it is unfortunate, but bros now have to disguise their daytime drinking by creating "events." Fraternities are famous for doing this using the mask of philanthropies. So what if more money would be raised at these events if the money put towards beer and liqour to #35 pregame was instead given to charity. Being hammered at the philanthropy event is in many ways more important than any type of money the charity could ever hope to receive. I was recently at a "fundraiser" all day drinking event for cancer, which was announced to us midway through the party. I'm pretty sure they collected about $15 after spending probably about $200, not to mention a couple bros were overheard talking about "stealing the leukemia money for a beer run."
This weekend, the bros and I are #8 rolling deep to Dewey Beach for the annual Running of The Bull at the Starboard, which may be the best event created solely for drinking I have ever attended. Thousands gather in a parking lot and inside the bar at 10am dressed in red. Following the singing of the National Anthem, two bros dressed in a bull costume will run down 6 blocks of beach with everyone running with them, cursing at them and trying to knock them over while families watch on the beach and children cry. People even spend hours making elaborate protestor signs saying shit like, "People for the Ethical Treatment of Stuffed Animals." I agree, that's gay as shit. Thats why I was almost #40 kicked out of the bar last year at 11am for snapping them over my leg. And this year they have a live caged bull in the parking lot. I'm sure we won't be blackout drunkenly taunting the shit out of it and spraying beer at it all day long. "FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING DUMB BULL! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?? NOTHING!! NOTHING!!!" Nothing bad can come of that.