Wednesday, May 19, 2010

#119 Midgets

You can’t get over how shitty this fucking cover band is. Not only do they not even know “Scotty Doesn’t Know,” but they insist on playing their original songs. Fuck that - save your Indie Rock for a fucking #89 hipster convention. You and your bros decide you have to put an end to this and start #77 heckling the shit out of the band. After a good 20 minutes of telling the band they’re fucking losers that should stick to their day jobs of performing in the activity room at nursing homes, they finally stop playing. Mission accomplished.

Just when you think this night couldn’t get any better, you see her. Dressed in what looks like the clothes off a Cabbage Patch doll, she’s jumping up and down to whatever shitty ass Black Eyed Peas song the DJ is playing. It’s a fucking midget. While everyone is the bar is trying to pretend that there’s nothing out of the ordinary going on, you and your bros are on the floor pointing and laughing your fucking asses off. Just as one of your bros sprints out of the bar to try to buy some Reese’s Pieces so he can “feed ET,” your bro turns to you and says, “How much to get you to dance with her?”

While you would do that shit for free just for the story, a couple extra bucks never hurt anyone. Your bros decide the going rate for a midget-grind is $33. You make your way over to the target and break through the wall of her “friends” aka girls who think they are better than everyone else because they hang out with a midget and let the grind begin. After about four minutes of dancing on your knees and making innocent small talk like, “Do you even know what it’s like to ride a roller coaster?” you jump up and run over to your bros who are waving the money and giving #13 high fives and fist pounds. That was fucking awesome. After all, you’re a fucking bro and you fucking love midgets.

Honestly, what the fuck’s not to love about midgets. They’re fucking hilarious. I always love it when they try to pretend that they’re real people and lead productive lives. Yeah fucking right – midgets were put on Earth to do one thing and one thing alone: make me laugh. Let’s take a look at some of the great things that bros love about these little freakshows.

Tossing – Although it’s technically illegal in some states, there are bars across the country where for a few bucks, you can throw a midget across the bar. How fucking amazing is that? Sure they have padding on and shit, but who gives a fuck. Imagine getting fucked up at the bar and just watching a fucking midget fly through the air every five minutes. Does life ever get any better than that? Bros should seriously write their Congressmen to stop the inbromane laws that ban midget tossing.

Midgets in Hollywood – Now I’m not talking about all those midgets on TLC who whine about how hard life is for them or that little piece of shit Simon Birch, I’m talking about the midgets that represent some of the greatest actors and entertainers of our time. Midgets such as Wee Man and Verne Troyer are not only hilarious, but they spend their lives getting constantly fucked up and banging hot slam pieces. Fucking Bro Kings.

Strippers – I don’t know who came up with the idea of having midget strippers, but whoever it was deserves a fucking Nobel Prize. You will never see bros go wilder than when a midget stripper makes her way to the stage. Midget strippers also make for great gag gifts at #50 bachelor parties. Seeing the look of disappointment on the bachelor’s face when he realizes he’s going to have a midget crawling all over him instead of a real woman is fucking priceless. All those bro-hater feminists that claim that midget strippers are being exploited can go to fucking hell. They’re just fucking jealous that even a midget has a better body than they do.

While the bro-hater that is society looks down their long nose of judgment at making fun of most handicapped people, it makes a rare exception with midgets. This is most likely because midgets are in fact an integral part of society itself. Without midgets, there’d be no Oompa Loompas. There’d be no Joe C. And most importantly, there’d be no midget porn. So, let’s hear it for the midgets – by far the funniest handicap you can ever hope to achieve.

52 comments:

Anonymous said...

Solid post. Another fine thing involving midgets are midget wrestling tournaments. You just go and get fucked up and watch them wrestle. It's fantastic

BMFE said...

lololol wheress the rest of ya??

Sandy BROfax said...

Once saw a sign on a billboard with the title Juice Bomb about a basketball tournament for dwarfs, complete with a picture of a migdet driving on another midget trying to score. I attended the event and in what I can only describe as the funniest thing I did and ever will witness in my life. They looked like little kids playing on a miniture goal with a tiny ball, except they were all at least 30. Picture 10 midgets all with little headbands and armbands playing basketball with 300 drunk bros making bets and screaming at them. Fucking Gold.

Anonymous said...

hahaha im beast

Anonymous said...

slay SP's

Broseph Goebbels said...

I have some midget neighbors that live behind me. My bros and I pooled some money together to add a foot extension to their mailbox one night. Next day we watched from my patio as they pulled out a footstool to get their mail. I fucking love midgets.

BROkeback Mountain said...

hey guys, i think you guys are being a little mean and unfair. dwarfism is a serious medical condition, and it's not their fault that they're short. the next time you laugh at someone that is medically unable to grow taller, you should try to understand the situation from their perspective. being taller is a privelege, so you should respect those that can't

Smokey the Bear said...

Midget fighting leagues in India are the best. Especially when they get themselves fucked up trying to take on a lion or something.

BroSakic said...

I must say NYB, you have done better. Not being a Bro-hater in any shape or form (End Brocism '10) but I believe it is in the rights of a Bro to improve upon the Bro Life. Therefore, not a big fan of midgets in general. Kinda creepy. That is all. Bro Life.

JimBro Fisher said...

I've never laughed so hard at one of your post NYB as I did just now. The Image of those funny little creatures just doing everyday shit is hysterical to me and anyone who aspires to bro on the reg.

Excellent use of the word "inbromane," and clutch allusion to Joe C and Wonka's little helpers.

Goddamnit thank you sir. Customer satisfied and inspired.

Bromeo and Juliet(slampiece) said...

Some of my fellow bros putting rush money to good use. Bro haters just don't know.

http://www.dailynorthwestern.com/2.13894/rush-event-under-investigation-1.1922358

I fucking love midgets. On St. Patrick's day, there was a midget at the bar who was dressed like a leprechaun. He was dancing on the bar, fucked up off 3 beers, and grinding on slam pieces. I tried to catch the little guy and find out where the godamn gold was, but the bouncer kicked me out. The next day, all of the slam pieces I talked to said they danced with the leprechaun. Little Bro King.

Napoleon Bronaparte said...

Great post NYB. Midgets can provide any bro with hours of laughter. Even the word midget is funny.
I was at a concert with some bros the other day. The opening act comes on and the guitar player is none other than a 3 foot tall, rasta midget, fully equipped with dreads, and a woven poncho. Just when I got over the fits of laughter and the first band leaves the stage, the headliner comes on and the keyboarder is some midget chick! 2 midgets in 2 bands in 1 night! I fell over just from laughing.. though the booze might have had something to do with it.

Mark Dantonibro said...

Honestly my favorite part of this site is seeing the new title pop up after it's finished loading, mostly because I don't know what to expect.

Keep it up bro.

Shoeless Bro Jackson said...

i love being tall as shit but midgets are so fucking bro

Vincent Van Bro said...

I'm fuckin 6'4 so basically the whole worlds a bunch of midgets to me. Btw Scottie Doesnt Know may be the best fuckin song ever made. Nothing better than a song about banging one slam piece while her nerd anti-bro bf sits on the sideline thinking about what flowers to buy her. Love that shit.

Get fucked up fuck bitches thats whats up bros peace.

Anonymous said...

haha, this was great, but don't forget, Simon Birch scored some major bro points when he just grabbed that chick's tits. now where are all the bro haters? shouldn't there be someone ranting about how mean this hilarious post is?

Bronard King said...

NYB were you inspired to write this by the DBM aka Dewey Beach Midget?

Anonymous said...

and comment number 2 was classic as well. bros love family guy

Miller said...

China has an entire midget village that doubles as an amusement park
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wNDp6vy3MU8

BrochoCinco said...

Amazing post, NYB! Ive tried to explain this to my bros for years, theres not much funnier than a midget.

Bro KIng said...

Fucking amazing post. Nothing makes a bro laugh more than seeing a pissed off midget. But watch out, those little shits will come up and bite your ass from behind if your not looking. Bros have to keep an eye out for those little fuckers. They know bros are the most perfect people on Earth and that's why they're so goddamn bitter about it.

Visanthe ShianceBro said...

I was celebrating my 21st Birthdady on Bourbon Street, shit faced after a solid 14 hours of drinking, when I looked up and saw the sweetest thing ever....A midget cruising down the middle of Bourbon Street on some sweet midget scooter with a smoking hot blonde slam piece in a red dress ridinig on the back, as the midget mobile got closer I looked and saw none other than Vern Troyer. My Bro's and I immediatley chased his scooter down and followed him into a bar, where we approaced him and let him know that it was my 21st birthday, he immediatley ordered a round of shots for me and my bro's. The next morning I asked my bro's if we met Mini Me and they recanted the entire story for me. Vern Troyer is the shit.

Anonymous said...

theres a new show coming out on spike called "half pint brawlers".. all midgets doin the shit jackass does.. haha fuckin right

Ben Savitt said...

Hi, my name is Ben Savitt,and I am a Bro King.

Anonymous said...

Here is a sick vid of midget boxing in some shit hole of a country. Little fucker in red can take a punch. God damn midgets are funny as fuck.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CiQK-nZnVA

BroDamus said...

Bromeo and Juliet,

We rented a midget, dressed him up as a leprechaun, and placed him on top of the bar all day for paddys day. He poured pitchers on peoples heads, and hit on slampieces all day. mini-bro killed it.

J-Bro said...

While eating buffet style with my bro he suddenly spits up pizza and Mt. Dew all over the table... I look up and my bro with the exuberation of a 9 year old seeing his first Penthouse says.... "I didn't know St. Patrick's Day was today". Well low and behold I look over and the Lucky Charm's leprechaun had just walked in! The motherload! A ginger midget with a full bushy beard! Well me and my bro didn't consume much after that as lunch consisted of making fun of leprechauns and speaking with Irish accents. Looking back that's the great thing about midgets, they don't even have to do anything to be funny as hell.

Tom Brolfes said...

At one of our fraternity parties we have midgets in cages all around the house, its hilarious!

Anonymous said...

miller, your wrong thats tight as shit, but china will never beat us, at anything

C-3PBro said...

Well said about wee-man and troyer being bro kings. Anyone who is like 8 inches tall and can slay slampieces on a regular basis is a bro king. Bro hard people, bro hard.

Anonymous said...

Mark Dantonibro = little Bro

Michael said...

Save your Indie Rock for a f*cking hipster convention.

Anonymous said...

He's an angry elf

Anonymous said...

i don't know bro... i fucking hate midgets

Brovechkin said...

I grinded with a midget at Third Edition in Gtown once. No money necessary, just the respect from my fellow bros.

I also almost stepped on a midget coming down the stairs at a bar in Columbus, GA. The best part was, she started making out with the tallest guy there later that night (she sat up on a barstool while he crouched down like a humpback). Wish I got that Bro's name.

Anonymous said...

HORNSWAGGLE!!!

Mark Dantonibro said...

Anonymous Michigan fan:

It's hard being little bro when your school has never lost to UM in football or basketball in 950+ days. Have fun with your non-existant social skills, ugly girls, and Indians.

Sparty On

William Jefferson Clinton said...

I know of an autistic guy who trapped a midget who rang his doorbell ( he was working the census) in his closet for like 3 hours because he thought the midget was an elf. Midgets are the shit.

God bless America

Anonymous said...

Yo any you bros see this shit thats gunna be on spike tv? Fuckin half pint brawlers, hahaha. Fuckin silly midgets.

Scott Brolen said...

Midgets are merely another subordinate sect of mankind for Bros to lord over. Similar to any slam piece, midgets exist to satisfy Bros' desires. The only difference? Bros have a shit ton more respect for midgets than slam pieces. Simple as that.

Great post NYB.

Broseph Stalin said...

My bros and I got to watch midgets wrestle earlier this semester for a tv show. The producers even gave us money for booze and free food to party with them after. That was the shit. Just watch the TV this summer, we'll be on there partying our asses off with the little guys.

Oh and btw got to meet Eric Bischoff

Anonymous said...

NYB and fellow bros, weak post. Midgets are not the shit. Bros are too busy hitting on slam-pieces and pounding shots to fuck with midgets. Bro on.

Frank Wyte said...

god I love this site. for more topical news type blogs with this kind of humor i go to http://corporatesellout.wordpress.com/ though.

Hulk Brogan said...

Do you think elevators smell differently to midgets?

Anonymous said...

I was in Miami this year for the Pro Bowl with a couple Bros. 2 of us closed down this club and were stumbling back to our hotel when out of nowhere, this midget hooker appears. She walks right up to us, grabs us by the hands and says, "who wants me boys"! In the biggest regret of my life, I passed on this opportunity and freaked out by the feel of her tiny hands. Minutes later while laughing with my bro about what just happen, I realized that our 3rd bro was passed out in the hotel. We should grab this tiny hooker and make her crawl in bed with him. I attempted to chase her down, but she must have escaped into some tiny midget hole because she had vanished. It will forever be one of my greatest regrets that we didn't get to see my buddy wake up to a tiny naked whore, freak out, and punt her across the room.

Anonymous said...

I have been trying to put together a midget fight club for years, midget on midget and real people vs. groups of midgets. That would be awesome.

Brometheus said...

i love midgets because i can leave my beer on their head while i throw my hands up to start a chant, or give double high fives when one of my bros eats shit or gets hurt

Brosef said...

Great Post NYB. So I heard of this place in China or somewhere in Commiland that this guy was training midgets to fight animals. Fucking hilarious. Then they thought that 40 of these fuckers could take on 3 lions. 37 were injured or died. The trainer must have felt like a dumbass but I would definitely watch midgets fight animals.

ENoot said...

After pitching an inning (three strikeouts in a row), I walked out into the cubby of my fraternity house mid-rage. As I scanned the room for potential slampieces, I noticed a black midget dancing on one of the tables. At first I thought I was hallucinating, but one of my bros starting grinding with her and confirmed that she was in fact real. Bros fucking rule.

Anonymous said...

if you like midgets, try four of them... racing a camel.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MFCNVvvmxNw

Anonymous said...

I posted this in #52 Banging in places that arent beds, but my brocomplishment is worth repeating:

I fucked a midget. On my 21st birthday. In an elevator.

I win.

Vern Broyer said...

Midgets are god's little punchlines

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