Wednesday, May 12, 2010

#118 Hating Graduation

Since finishing your last exam aka #65 copying every fucking answer from the nerd sitting next to you, you’ve devoted the entire past week to one of the greatest #58 benders and #103 hot streaks of your fucking life. After four years of doing everything in their power to not become slam pieces, every single girl on the campus fell victim to the inevitable: their slutty DNA. In the past week alone, you’ve #52 banged a girl in a classroom, on the conveyor belt at the Caf, and by far the most romantic spot on campus: the dance floor at a Fraternity party.

To top this legendary week off came yesterday’s festivities. After five years of screaming at you for “wasting their money” by taking #102 Introduction to Canoe twice and drinking six nights a week, your parents finally came to their senses and threw you and all your bros a party. After an afternoon of screaming at your Mom for sucking at #6 beer pong and impressing your parents by showing them how many beers you could bong in at once, you and your bros hit the bar for one last time. As all the girls huddle in the corner crying, you take shots on one of your bros’ recently divorced Dad’s tab who’s trying to hook up with a slam piece. Things start to get hazy and you try to talk, but the only thing coming out of your mouth sounds like quotes from kids at the Ronald McDonald House. The last thing you see is your bro’s Dad talking to some fat chick your bros call “#28 Hungry Hungry Hippo” about how his #24 tubes are tied so they wouldn’t even need a condom before the night goes to black.

In one of the biggest bro-miracles since Jesus turned water into wine, you wake up in your own fucking bed. Immediately, you get excited to find out if your bro’s dad had “Fun Fun Fun by the Ton Ton Ton,” but the elation about the prospects of your bro having a future stepmother who could star in her own TLC show is quickly eliminated when you glance out the window to see them. A shitload of bro-haters all dressed in black robes and dumbass hats. To this point, you’d been in denial that this day would ever happen, but now it’s here. Graduation day: the worst fucking day in any bro’s life.

While most people aka bro-haters consider graduation day to be their crowning achievement and the proudest day of their life, bros fucking hate it. Seriously, no fucking human is meant to be up at the ass crack of dawn to stand around in some big fucking black robe all day listening to some no-name speaker talk for like an hour about how we need to “Be the Change.” Nobody fucking cares what the speaker says anyways. What did my graduation speaker talk about? I have no fucking clue. My bros and I were busy making fun of the Chinese graduate students’ names in the program (Can you believe that someone is actually named Ding-Ding Wan??)

Even worse than the speakers are all individual awards that are given out. Whenever these fucking nerds go up to accept their awards, I love to #77 heckle the shit out of them, just to remind them how much of a loser they are for trying in school. Honestly, what the fuck does 4 years of long nights of studying, going to all their classes, and working hard get them? That’s right, an extra fucking tassel to wear around their shoulders during graduation and their name in the program. And seriously, after your #14 Dad gets you your first job, no one is going to care what your GPA was in College or the fact that your only extracurricular activity was, “Assistant Social Chair in Fraternity.” Sure, graduating with honors or distinction may mean you studied for four years at a University – but you didn’t fucking go to College.

While the Graduation ceremony itself fucking blows, it pails in comparison to what graduation really means: the end of College. It means an end to the Tuesday night best of seven games of beer pong just because you feel like it. It means the end of setting your alarm for 3pm so you can get food before the cafeteria closes. It means going separate ways from the bros you’ve made a lifetime of memories with. It means the end of a fucking era. While graduation day seems like the end of the parties, good times, and banging strange, I’ve got a secret for you: it isn’t. If there’s one thing that post-graduation life has taught me it’s this: You can take the bro out of College, but you can never take the College out of the bro.

So as they call your name to receive your diploma on that hot May Day, remember the good times you had on that campus. Remember the girls you banged. Remember the shit you stole. But most of all, remember that no fucking piece of paper can ever change who you are: a bro.

38 comments:

Effmanny, King of All Bros said...

NYB, as you are a Skins fan I invite you to join me in tipping my hat in celebration of a true bro named A2.

We all have had our moment where we learned what it means to be a hero. You told us last week you had yours next to the toilets at Pimlico. I had mine last Friday at Guelaguetza Restaurant in Los Angeles, CA. A restaurant so epic they proudly hang a photo in the lobby of Phil Jackson high as fuck wearing sunglasses enjoying a meal.

While at dinner I sarcastically asked A2 if he had bought his slampiece a pink Donovan McNabb jersey yet to wear on Sundays. His smile turned into immediate rage when he told me he never EVER allows slampieces to watch football with him. Not since Sunday, September 30, 2001. A2 then tells us on that fateful day, as he was watching in the 3rd quarter his beloved Skins get crushed by no less of a team as the Kansas City Chiefs 45-13, he ordered his slampiece to begin sucking his dick to make him feel better. Of course, since A2 is a bro, the slampiece immediately got to work. Only A2 became filled with rage to find while she was going down on him, her head kept coming up and blocking the tv screen. Fucking slut. As you know NOTHING gets in the way of watching football, NOTHING. So A2 yelled at his slampiece, made her move, then kicked her the fuck out. Lesson learned.

Did A2 care that we were eating while he told this story? Did A2 care that women were sitting at the table? Did A2 care that no less than three small children were sitting within earshot of him at the time? The answer to all these questions is of course not. Cause A2 is a fucking bro.

LnkinPrk777 said...

So fucking true. You are truly a god among men.

Barack BRObama said...

Graduation is the worst day of any bro's life. That's why real bros never graduate, they keep the party going and spending their rich dad's hard earned money on intro underwater basket weaving and bowling classes.

NYB, you're a bro king among bros.

Zac Bro Band said...

Check out the mayhem these Bros and Bras created at a Miami University Sorostitute Formal:
http://www.wlwt.com/news/23515967/detail.html

Miami University (BROH) said...

Perfect post at a perfect time; having just stayed up until 8:30 am on Saturday enjoying every last hazy moment I could, shuffling my family out of my apartment at 12:00 pm, puking from 12:01 - 12:10, then walking on the field at 1:45, I must say the last shittiness of graduating has just been kicked out of my system by reading this. The rest of the shittiness was kicked out by going directly to OSU and starting up what looks to be a nice little bender.

Nice post above me, Sig Chi damage would have a little more detail for everyone to see though.

Otis said...

Taus love this fucking site.

Anonymous said...

Satire at its finest! Well done NYB

Anonymous said...

that ending was heavy bro, thats real deep man

Smokey The Bear said...

The thought of graduation can tear a bro apart.Van Wilder, possibly one of the biggest bros of all time, took fucking forever to graduate college. One might argue that bros love college and would want to postpone graduation as long as possible. But the guy arguing that would be a fucking dumb ass bro hater. Bros are some of the smartest people on the fucking planet, so of course they get their degree in four years. So to all those stupid cunts that take 7 years to get a psychology degree, stop thinking you're a fucking bro. If you were a bro, you would be smart as shit. And if you were a bro, your fraternity brothers wouldn't get boners anticipating your eventual departure from college. NYB said it, you can't take college out of a bro, so man the fuck up, and graduate.

P.s. My name is a link to my Facebook. You can friend me if you are a bro or a slam piece. No fat chicks allowed.

Anonymous said...

God i feel terrible for all the bros who have to leave college behind, and start having to make time to be bro instead of just letting it come natural. But you're absolutely right, you can't take the college out of the bro. Y'all give em hell.

Anonymous said...

Check out deadspin, apparently a couple IU grads celebrated the end of days by making a cell phone sex tape in a bar bathroom and now its all over the web...sluts!

Forest Fires are the Shit said...

My fraternity bros and I celebrated the end of days by going skydiving (obviously we pregame'd it) and then getting blacked out during the parental party/dinner. After slamming many beers (and blowing many lines)I felt it necessary to tell one of my slampieces father's that I gave his daughter a ride on the pound town express. Rather than getting angry with me (and realizing his wife wasn't around) he gave me a high five, proof that the college never comes out of a bro.

P.S. - Smokey The Bear should officially be banned from this site, clearly not a bro. Bros don't solicit facebook friendships on a bro's site. Thats about as cool as the cop who tried to stop me from burning my old furniture outside of my house on the last day at school.

By the way, that shit still went up in flames.

Brony Montana said...

I plan on slamming a 30 rack before graduation and taking poles of Jack Daniels waiting for my name to be called. Graduation is not a time to fucking celebrate. Its sad as fuck which is why I'm going to black out so I don't have to remember it. You better fucking believe i'm gonna receive my degree in leisure studies and do jack shit with it. My dads gonna make me CFO of his company while all those Financial Accounting/Economics/International Business Administration triple major bro haters get a fucking desk job that pays like a secretary. Gonna miss the fucking college life. I'm not gonna miss college because as Wiz Khalifa said "I hate college but love all the parties".

C-3PBro said...

Wow NYB you really are a bro-king among us mere bro mortals. Bro hard bros, bro hard.

BROdie Croyle said...

Brony Montana that was not Wiz Khalifa that said that, it was Sam Adams. There's a huge difference.

Edgar Allan Bro said...

Once upon a Late May Morning, I hear my bro's "slam piece" snoring,
She is a whale and I'm sure that he put it in her back door.
It's been four years; fucking, drinking, many nights of chew and stealing,
Uninvited at some party chanting, chanting "SHE'S A WHORE!"
Last night was hazy, but I remember "yoga pants" blowing me hardcore.
For I'm a bro, you know I always score.

It's my last weekend at the frat, one last chance to fill the beer bat,
telling bra's that they're fuckin fat, but first I stop by the beer store.
For the money, my father's to thank. A check for rent, the amount left blank.
This kegger will be worth remembering, get so drunk, you can't find the door.
Later I will be "FRANK THE TANK"- maybe set fire to some gay decor.
Shit will be like the Vietnam War.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to become a grad. Fuck that, look at all the good times I had.
I drive drunk/recklessly back to the bro pad, "Swingers" is on - a movie I fucking adore.
As I quote the movie I start thinking, Bro's ONLY trip, time for serious drinking.
"Lets go to Vegas, do some gambling, get our D.U.F.F. married to an actual whore!
College doesn't have to be over, let's hate on some guido's from the Jersey Shore
Cause we're better than everyone, we get pussy galore."

This, my dear bros is just the beginning. At life we shall always be winning,
banging Freshman sluts when our hair is thinning, she's screaming she wants more.
We're better than the rest, this you know. You never needed to study, cause you're a bro.
Beer pong, pillars, and beer bonging - this has always been your true calling.
A toast to you, a bro for life. You will never need a wife, just some young college whore
For you are a bro, you always score.

Anonymous said...

daps on the 'forest fires are the shit' alias i fucking laughed my ass off when i read that

doc emmett BROwn said...

those last 2 paragraphs was some of the most epic and inspiring material ive ever read. youre a god NYB

Anonymous said...

A Manifestbro

Broltamatum said...

God I fucking love my school. 5-year program for an extra year of adding to your stat sheet. You're batting .800 during your senior year. And no, it's not for some bullshit addition to my degree. It's call the co-op program-- the ultimate Bro plan for any college. 6 months of class, 6 months of fulltime work while living on campus.. you earn instant bro points when you use Benjamin Franklins face to wipe the tears off bitches you've made cry or the loads she squirts on you for being a fucking bro king.

Brotorious B.I.G. said...

Broltamatum: obvious Northeastern University bro.. bro hard my man, bro hard

Napoleon Bronaparte said...

Fantastic post. I still don't believe that day will ever come. If i don't believe in it, it can't happen right?

B is for Broski said...

I spent the day of my college graduation getting drunk at The Preakness infield. 'Nuff said.

Great post.

Anonymous said...

Forest Fires is right Smokey should be banned... his first interest on facebook is god

Anonymous said...

A great bro moment was when a fellow bro had a serious grad weekend
Tradition at my school is 6a.m. at all the bars, parents tab.

Anyways this "bro" used to fuck around with the trombone in his younger years. On grad day he blacked out after hittin the bars too hard and wound up getting a cab to a music store across town and renting a trombone. All blacked

He ended up at a grad party with mainly sober people wailing away on the trombone with some skill before he hit the wrong note. And by hit the wrong note I mean he fell backwards off the table and threw the trombone over the fence in the backyard and into the street... needless to say he woke up with an $800 charge at said music store.

He had graduated 2 years prior.

Bro Vaughn said...

Graduating from Loyola Maryland tomorrow. Can't remember the last night I havent drank. Only good news is that i'm going to grad school and I am going to pull a Van Wilder off of my dad's money. Long live college and banging bitches.

P.S. I rented a house at dewey beach last week and it was the fucking shit. I need to go back every year.

Brozymandias said...

Co-op is the shit. Nothing rules like stumbling into your job two hours late because you spent the wednesday night drinking until you had to goto work and then pissing all over the subway because some brohater said something about "that drunk over there"

Anonymous said...

NYB that post went fucking hard man.
You're a legend among bros.

Anonymous said...

Why would any bro actually go to graduation? I just skipped that shit when I graduated, instead I left town and got shitfaced at a baseball game. Total bullshit ceremony anyways.

Hurricane Brotrina said...

No real bros graduate in 4 years. And the way to make it through the ceremony: fifth of jack and two percs. It'll go by mad fast and you'll be fucked up ready to go for the grad party

Kip Brordy said...

First off NYB, gotta say, love this site, your words are a creed by which all my bros live.

You should do a post on bros icing bros man. People have just started picking that shit up in my town and they're turning it all gay, running around like a faggot with an asshole like a highway going "oh gee I hope I don't get ICED!". You have to get the word out, remind people that true bros don't WANT to get iced.

Anonymous said...

Here's a great song about hating graduation by Indiana University's own P. Max

http://www.brobible.com/brommunity/indiana-university-airplanes-remix-seniors-2010#comment-148488

Ian Broulter said...

Some geniuses work in oils. Others work in clay or wood. Effmanny, King of All Bros works in the bromance languages.

Brohamasaurus Rex said...

Yo, fellow fucking bros, listen to this little piece of advice that was passed down many years ago:

Just because the road ends.. that doesn't mean the party has to stop.


Keep it fucking bro.

Anonymous said...

Like a true bro, I didn't attend my graduation. When I awoke that day, I realized that one of my roommates was not the bro I suspected, but actually a bro hater as his entirely family was waiting in the living room, ready to fire questions at me about whether I graduated and why I wasn't go to my graduation---when all I wanted was a fucking gatorade from the fridge to help with my hangover.

Marc Broluger said...

bro-ops are the fucking shit

Big Boys Blogging said...

Doing the John Wall at Graduation

Anonymous said...

I graduated from UCSB a year ago and after a year of the square life, I'm dying to bring it all back.

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