It was one of the worst moments of my entire fucking life. After a three hour drive, I had finally arrived at my destination: the beach. Just before I pulled into town I decided to stop for a 30 pack since my bros had only gotten one other case, and surely that wasn’t going to last the night with six bros straight punishing shit. As I grabbed the cube from the fridge and approached the counter, I dug into my pocket for my wallet only to realize it was fucking empty. Immediately I realized what had happened - I left my fucking wallet at my #32 Bro Pad back in Arlington. I fucking panicked. Now a bro-hater’s first reaction might be, “Never fear! You can just borrow money from your friends for food,” but I’m a fucking bro, so you better fucking believe that eating was the last thing on my mind. I needed that wallet for one thing and one thing only: getting into bars. My first thought was to immediately turn around to drive the six hour round trip, because honestly, what the fuck is there to do at the beach if you can’t get into the bars? But then I realized something – I’m a fucking bro. I’m one of the smartest people on the fucking planet. No fucking bro-hater bullshit law is getting in the way of me having a good time with my bros. Bros are above the fucking law.
Luckily for me, my younger brother and I look pretty similar, so we just had one of our bros bring his license out from inside the bar for me to use. It’s been years since my 21st #81 birthday, but as the bouncer studied my ID, I started to get the same feelings I did back when I was 19 trying to pass for a 26 year old organ donor from Long Island with a face so different I had to claim I was brutally injured in a car accident – I was fucking nervous. Now I’ve been to hundreds of bars, but the moment that bouncer gave me my fake ID back I had a rush that would rival Steve Phillips at a Star Wars convention. I was in the bar illegally – and it was one of the greatest feelings in the fucking world. Bros fucking love fake IDs.
Bros have always been ahead of their time. While nerds use #111 high school as a time to study/do extra-curricular activities/not get laid, bros are getting fucking wasted. Unfortunately, for some reason, society thinks they know what’s best for bros. Bros realize that the 21 year old drinking law is the biggest fucking joke of all time. Who the fuck doesn’t drink before they’re 21? Fucking losers, that’s who. True bros have been drinking for close to ten years by the time they turn 21. Honestly, if you develop cirrhosis of the liver by your 21st birthday, you seriously might have what it takes to be a fucking bro-king. But how do bros buy alcohol/get into bars before they turn 21 with all the convenience store clerks scared of getting deported for selling to underage kids and tatted up bro-hater bouncers aka amateur backyard wrestlers? They get a fucking fake ID. Here’s a few key important factors for any good fake ID.
Where You Got It: Growing up, every bro knows someone who makes perfect IDs. Sometimes it's some creepy old man at a photo shop just praying someone will use his toilet so he can get some new “pee cam live vids” for his website, but most of the time it’s some techie nerd trying to get friends by making them fakes. Bros also fucking love the hand-me-down IDs from older brothers or cousins. No matter where they get it, bros are forever linked with the guy on their fake. Bros may forget their fucking mother's birthday, but they'll always remember the name and address on their fake ID.
Where It Works: Bros know every fucking bar and liquor store in the tri-state area that doesn’t card or takes fake IDs. Bros are like fucking Velociraptors – they look for weaknesses and when they find them, you better fucking believe they’re exploiting that shit. You know the bars are fucking in on this shit too – sure they’re gonna be known as the underage bar, but who gives a shit? Underage bros are rich as shit, so you know they’ll be running up huge tabs. Besides, is there anything better than a packed bar full of bros and slam pieces getting fucked up? Answer: No.
How Good It Is: As much as bros love fake IDs, bros love talking about how good or shitty they are even more. Sure it’s fucking sick to have an authentic ID with the hologram and shit, but honestly, some of the biggest bros I’ve even known have had some of the shittiest fucking fake IDs. Bros fucking love challenges – and there’s nothing more challenging that getting into a bar with a shitty fake ID - and the shittier the better. Get in the bar with a real ID like I did last weekend? Fucking child’s play. Get in the bar with a grease-stained ripped apart square from a pizza box with a stick figure self portrait wrapped in a fucking sandwich bag: Bro King.
Society is quickly evolving. But much like professional athletes respond to drug testing, bros evolve faster. As society invades our freedom and privacy with barbaric and deranged practices such as ID scans and bouncers asking bros what street they live on – we must rise up. We must overcome. Now I would rather fucking die than promote a charity, but I think in this case we as bros should make an exception. This summer I challenge bros everywhere to join my cause and “Send a Bro to the Bar.” By donating your ID, one lucky bro will get the chance to experience a life that, thanks to society, he would never have to the opportunity to experience. Don’t let society win – donate your used ID to an underage bro today.