Thursday, July 22, 2010

#127 Fake IDs

It was one of the worst moments of my entire fucking life. After a three hour drive, I had finally arrived at my destination: the beach. Just before I pulled into town I decided to stop for a 30 pack since my bros had only gotten one other case, and surely that wasn’t going to last the night with six bros straight punishing shit. As I grabbed the cube from the fridge and approached the counter, I dug into my pocket for my wallet only to realize it was fucking empty. Immediately I realized what had happened - I left my fucking wallet at my #32 Bro Pad back in Arlington. I fucking panicked. Now a bro-hater’s first reaction might be, “Never fear! You can just borrow money from your friends for food,” but I’m a fucking bro, so you better fucking believe that eating was the last thing on my mind. I needed that wallet for one thing and one thing only: getting into bars. My first thought was to immediately turn around to drive the six hour round trip, because honestly, what the fuck is there to do at the beach if you can’t get into the bars? But then I realized something – I’m a fucking bro. I’m one of the smartest people on the fucking planet. No fucking bro-hater bullshit law is getting in the way of me having a good time with my bros. Bros are above the fucking law.

Luckily for me, my younger brother and I look pretty similar, so we just had one of our bros bring his license out from inside the bar for me to use. It’s been years since my 21st #81 birthday, but as the bouncer studied my ID, I started to get the same feelings I did back when I was 19 trying to pass for a 26 year old organ donor from Long Island with a face so different I had to claim I was brutally injured in a car accident – I was fucking nervous. Now I’ve been to hundreds of bars, but the moment that bouncer gave me my fake ID back I had a rush that would rival Steve Phillips at a Star Wars convention. I was in the bar illegally – and it was one of the greatest feelings in the fucking world. Bros fucking love fake IDs.

Bros have always been ahead of their time. While nerds use #111 high school as a time to study/do extra-curricular activities/not get laid, bros are getting fucking wasted. Unfortunately, for some reason, society thinks they know what’s best for bros. Bros realize that the 21 year old drinking law is the biggest fucking joke of all time. Who the fuck doesn’t drink before they’re 21? Fucking losers, that’s who. True bros have been drinking for close to ten years by the time they turn 21. Honestly, if you develop cirrhosis of the liver by your 21st birthday, you seriously might have what it takes to be a fucking bro-king. But how do bros buy alcohol/get into bars before they turn 21 with all the convenience store clerks scared of getting deported for selling to underage kids and tatted up bro-hater bouncers aka amateur backyard wrestlers? They get a fucking fake ID. Here’s a few key important factors for any good fake ID.

Where You Got It: Growing up, every bro knows someone who makes perfect IDs. Sometimes it's some creepy old man at a photo shop just praying someone will use his toilet so he can get some new “pee cam live vids” for his website, but most of the time it’s some techie nerd trying to get friends by making them fakes. Bros also fucking love the hand-me-down IDs from older brothers or cousins. No matter where they get it, bros are forever linked with the guy on their fake. Bros may forget their fucking mother's birthday, but they'll always remember the name and address on their fake ID.

Where It Works: Bros know every fucking bar and liquor store in the tri-state area that doesn’t card or takes fake IDs. Bros are like fucking Velociraptors – they look for weaknesses and when they find them, you better fucking believe they’re exploiting that shit. You know the bars are fucking in on this shit too – sure they’re gonna be known as the underage bar, but who gives a shit? Underage bros are rich as shit, so you know they’ll be running up huge tabs. Besides, is there anything better than a packed bar full of bros and slam pieces getting fucked up? Answer: No.

How Good It Is: As much as bros love fake IDs, bros love talking about how good or shitty they are even more. Sure it’s fucking sick to have an authentic ID with the hologram and shit, but honestly, some of the biggest bros I’ve even known have had some of the shittiest fucking fake IDs. Bros fucking love challenges – and there’s nothing more challenging that getting into a bar with a shitty fake ID - and the shittier the better. Get in the bar with a real ID like I did last weekend? Fucking child’s play. Get in the bar with a grease-stained ripped apart square from a pizza box with a stick figure self portrait wrapped in a fucking sandwich bag: Bro King.

Society is quickly evolving. But much like professional athletes respond to drug testing, bros evolve faster. As society invades our freedom and privacy with barbaric and deranged practices such as ID scans and bouncers asking bros what street they live on – we must rise up. We must overcome. Now I would rather fucking die than promote a charity, but I think in this case we as bros should make an exception. This summer I challenge bros everywhere to join my cause and “Send a Bro to the Bar.” By donating your ID, one lucky bro will get the chance to experience a life that, thanks to society, he would never have to the opportunity to experience. Don’t let society win – donate your used ID to an underage bro today.

72 comments:

Duke Brew Devils said...

How do you do it NYB...fucking words of wisdom.

" Honestly, if you develop cirrhosis of the liver by your 21st birthday, you seriously might have what it takes to be a fucking bro-king." Such true words.

One of the best ones in a while.

Mojojobro said...

Using a fake ID at 26 years old... you sir, are a Bro-God. I am not worthy.

Also, "Send a Bro to the Bar" is a fantastic idea and needs to be seriously implemented

Kid BrOdi said...

Ive been waiting on my fake id for a minute now its getting fucking annoying.

Anonymous said...

Fuckin classic. I've had a fake for about a year now and that shit works like a charm, even if it is just two stickers on an office depot gift card

Little BRO Peep said...

Fakes are the shit .. my bro from Vandy had the shittiest fake ID, it was a laminated piece of paper with the photo on the wrong fucking side. Bouncer asked him to take it out of the wallet and he flat refused, some bullshit about the illegal searching he learned in law class. Fucker let him in too, we were crushin $1 twenty oz'ers thirty seconds later.

Champion

Nancy said...

hahaha what an essential post for being a bro, NYB. I don't know who the fuck i'd be without my fake. senior year of high school my bros n I went to this ghetto ass store in downtown Houston called "MR.ID" to get "novelty identification cards"... the dude told us to alcohol rub the disclaimer off the back and then it was game on. and if u know the bars in college park, Maryland, u could literally stroll in with your fucking library card. fake ids and college bars rule.

"i would rather fucking die than promote a charity"

Some Random Bro said...

Haha once I got into a bar with my real ID. Which said I was 18 at the time.

Bros are the shit.

Eric said...

Nancy holy shit, I'm from San Antonio and that's where everyone would get their fakes. Honestly they are very shitty because they are just ID cards but they work! I imported mine from california

Seth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Truer words have rarely been spoken. New England bros love dominating the shit out of their faded rainbow Maine ID's. You better believe we all got the same fucking ID. Getting into a bar with 5 shitty ID's earns several bro points and is a solid opener to any slam piece you're about to take to PoundTown. Bros are the fucking shit.

Anonymous said...

"Get in the bar with a grease-stained ripped apart square from a pizza box with a stick figure self portrait wrapped in a fucking sandwich bag: Bro King."

That would be fucking epic. I'm trying it, NYB. You have inspired me.

Brohammad Ali said...

NYB awesome post. I loved my fake ID until some bro hater took it downtown. I was too blacked out to explain to him that I was a bro and that shit was awesome though. I can remember everything about that ID. Anyways, have you seen this vid?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xc0CB6URrV0

this kid is on his way to bro status, only problem is that he is borderline hipster.

Buzz Killington said...

i used a fake from when i was 17 and started using my older bro's hand me down to the night of my 21st. in that time i've had about 6 or 7 different ones of different qualities from different states. they all did their job though.

ChicagBro Cubs said...

I didn't have a fake ID until my second semsester of college. Anyways I went out with the jrs and srs in my frat my first semester of college.

The fake ID I used said my name was Fifichio (Fee Fee Chi Oh) Kagiso (Kah Gee Soh) said I was a 5'9", 153lb, black hair, brown eyed male and blacker than night.

I'm a white bro 6'3", blonde hair, blue eyes, and blonde.

Needless to say the ID worked at 2 different bars. And you better fucking believe I was at one of them every Wednesday, Thrusday, and Saturday.

Anonymous said...

ChicagBro you are definitely blonde... hahaha

Kansas City Broyal said...

One of my bros got into a bar once with a fucking girls ID. He just told the bouncer to go fuck himself cuz he's a bro and he'll use whatever ID he wants. Fucking bro-hating bouncer.

JimBro Fisher said...

I can't wait to see the bouncers faces when i use my own ID at the bar for my 21st in August. For 3 years now they've been letting me in with my brothers ID. Fucking morons. Even if I had the Jim Morrison style hair my older brother had when he got the picture taken, the only people who would think we look alike are blacks. And they all look the same.

Fucking love getting grilled on addresses, birthdates, horiscope signs, etc. Its my fucking address, my brother's fucking brithday, and those fags don't know horiscope signs, just don't hesitate and they believe you.

After my first run-in with the law freshman year, my arresting officer had the balls to tell me "Your fake ID looks more like you than your real one." and proceeded to take it. Fuck that guy, that ID was perfect.

Lindsay Brohan said...

"Honestly, if you develop cirrhosis of the liver by your 21st birthday, you seriously might have what it takes to be a fucking bro-king."

One of my bros at FSU (aka Maimi in the 1980's) actually had stage 3 cirrhosis of the liver by his 21st birthday. Bro was in the hospital for over a month. Bros is now like 28 and still in undergrad raging....

Anonymous said...

You should write a book NYB

Eleanor Brosevelt said...

fucking glorious. you really should right all this into a book. NYB= bro-king.

Lefty BROhand said...

The realest shit you ever wrote

Top 5 All-Time material

tim said...

last weekend in atlantic city me and my bro got into a bar with a pokemon card and a charles barkley rookie card

8th year senior said...

So I transferred into LSU back in 2005 from a state school in Massachusetts. The best fake i.d. of all time (Sean Casey, Whitman, MA) had recently been taken from me from some faggot cop. Not to fear, I quickly realized I was in the South and obviously smarter than every down there. With a black sharpie I wrote D.O.B. 12-20-83 on my LSU student I.D. To finish the obvious ending to the story, it worked like a fucking charm until I moved back to mass after I got hit by some pussy hurricane.

Daphne Brosen said...

Almost every bro on the east coast who is 25 or older had an old school laminated New Jersey fake ID back in the day. At least that state was good for something once.

Brower said...

Fuck yes, that "charity" should come.
We just need to find an idiot that matches fakes with potential clients.
But fuck, yeah, put down for donating 3 fakes.

Anonymous said...

Bros love talking about what state and name they got on their ID. It usually references something hilarious, like mine which is a Georgia ID with the name "Ron Mexico" on it. Bros are the shit.

WVUBro said...

when i was a freshman at WVU I used a black bros ID the first weekend I was there. The bouncer looked at it, laughed and let me in because I had balls.....epic

Anonymous said...

I work at The Jayhawk Cafe ("The Hawk") at Kansas University, and probably 75% of the kids that come in there are underage. But they always pick up huge tabs,always have a fucking blast, and since all of us that work there are in fraternities/sororities, we fucking understand how rough it can be to find a good bar when your underage. As a result, "The Hawk" is the most successful bar in Kansas, is a fucking landmark for anyone who has ever visited KU.

Brosten said...

My bro has a fake that says he lives in Brooklyn, NY. He actually thought Brooklyn was a city. Another one of my bros has an ID that says his birthday is April 31st. And neither of them have ever had any trouble getting booze.

Anonymous said...

I had my bro ask the bouncer to pass me his ID so I could get in... he was in awe and let us both in... later I tried to ice the shit out of him, check this icing video out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCvgwYfRU54

GTBro said...

My id is from canada bro haters never know what to do with it. Never failed me used it since I was 17.

Charles BROnsen said...

I went to college in Maryland and the bouncers were always shocked that everyone in my frat seemed to be from Jersey. plus they must have been seeing the same IDs for about ten years idiots.

Carmelbro Anthony said...

In high school I was stopped 3 times for possession by undercover narc bro haters and all 3 times my fake was the first id in my wallet. Needless to say all 3 times the dumbass cops never even realized it was fake. Don't know how they missed the only 26 year old hanging out in a group with 15 year old bros.

saltzman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

the hawk is a shit hole. Though I did get in there and shack with some slampiece using a random token black guys ID

Anonymous said...

Great stuff. I had to use my ID the other night at a gas station, the guy made me take it out so he could scan it. Obviously it wasn't gonna scan, but I did it anyway because I'm a bro. I walked out with a 30. Fake IDs are the shit.

Anonymous said...

Fakes are sweet but Ive gotten into bars with my fucking vertical ID

Anonymous said...

Went to Venice Beach with my bros when we were 19 and got fakes. The name was Patrick Baunghit (Patrick Bong Hit).

Brian Orakbro said...

me and my bro were like 19 trying to get in to santa fe in college park, anyways the bro hater bouncer wouldnt let either of us in due to some bullshit about how "this is the worst fucking fake id iv'e ever seen"....fucking bro hater...... Anyways, i just waited for him and the other bouncer to look away so I could sprint in real fast without them seeing, while my bro climbed the fence at the same time. Within ten minutes we were slammin 2 dollar coronas and grindin two slam pieces who we later brought aboard the poundtown express.

Anonymous said...

This shit is unreal. Graduating year of high school I had 5 different fakes and started renting those fuckers out. They're still kickin around at my high school gettin used by young bros. I felt like fuckin James Bond when I had em tho.

Anonymous said...

haha to whoever posted about the bars in college park. i went over there to visit some bros one time last semester.we went to some bar called the thirsty turtle. 2 id's between 5 bros and we all got in no problem. one bro would walk in, get his hand stamped, then walk back out and give his id to the next bro. they really dont give a shit over there.

Anonymous said...

my buddy made me and another bro a fake ID from photoshop, changed the "Age 21 in 2013" to 2010 and changed the date to '89. its a laminated piece of fucking paper i stick it in the clear plastic sleeve of my wallet, and bam works every fuckin time, the liquor store i go to now doesnt even card me anymore even when i come in with my high school lacrosse gear on

Anonymous said...

Best way to get around a bouncer scanning your id is to rub off the back of some duct tape on it. Jams the machine and the bouncer won't be able to pull any more cards through the rest of the night either.

BROSKI said...

Fake ID's are so bro. I used to make fake ID's in college and sell them to buy alcohol (obviously). One time, we were drinking at the bro pad, and this slam piece texted saying her ID just got taken at the bar. She came over and drunk as shit, I whipped her up a new one in about 15 minutes. It worked like a charm when we went back to the bar with it. I put all my drinks on her tab that night, which being as I'm a bro, was like 30, and then took her home to slam when we were done. Bros are the shit and so are fake ID's!!

BROSKI said...

I also used my fake ID to buy 3 kegs from the liquor board when I was 19. Bros are so fucking smart!

Anonymous said...

When I had to leave my frat castle to fly to my cousin's wedding in early May, there was one thing I knew I needed to pack-my fack ID. Bros love nothing more than open bars, and when your family is rich likes all bro families are and you rent out the best bar in town for the night of open bar, you are going to take advantage. When the bartender asked me for my id which is from NY he told me he lived there when he was younger and then fed me all the frat waters and drinks I wanted. He didn't need to ask me for my address because he knew I had to be living at a prestigious bro area.

Anonymous said...

fuking beutiful. best post so far

Bro Be Won ConBromi said...

good shit man and i as an underage bro would love to sign up for this program

Anonymous said...

Love the id donation we should really try to get that going.

RhoBro said...

I've been using my fraternity big bro's id since I was a freshman first semester.

It's the most clutch ID ever. He got a DUI (from a bro hater Tempe cop) so I've got an Arizona Driver's License with an "Interlock Required" imprinted into the card. Never been questioned once.

Matt said...

I once opened a bar tab in Philly on a Simon Mall giftcard my aunt got me for Christmas. By midnight I had half the bar putting drinks on it. If you haven't seen one before, it looks just like a credit card. The dipshit bartender thought the name at the bottom said Simon Hall. Well over a grand on that thing by closing time.

monster said...

Brosten - brooklyn addresses are Brooklyn, NY you retard.

Nj ids were the shit until 9/11 when those goat fucking terrorists used them and nj was so embarassed it made their ids super secure.

Brony Montana said...

My older brother got into a bar his freshman year of high school when he was i think 15. His "fake ID" was a 5 x 7 inch folded up self portrait he did in art class with his name written on the back. The bouncer laughed at him so he said he was from Mozambique and his dad was the head of the International Anti-Racism Organization and this organization controlled ACLU. If he refused to let him into the bar he would claim racism and sue him for millions. You better fucking believe he got in.

That was the best hand-me-down I ever got. Started using it when I was 14. I'm over 21 now but I still use use it to make bouncers feel shitty. Its never failed me. Fucking retarded bouncers. They're wannabe badasses.

ryan said...

Hahahaha great post! Since you've mentioned drug testing, you should post one on "Beating Drug Testing". Everyone knows that an employer who drug tests is a bro hater....

Anyway, time to get back to monday afternoon drinking. Peace!

Anonymous said...

I actually had a professor ask me to get him a fake ID for him. He's like 50 but wanted one saying he was 19 so he could try getting into bars with an ID making him illegal. That's pretty bold. If he wasn't associated with higher education (aka brocism), I woulda tried to party with him.

fez said...

One of my bros went out with us to the bars to celebrate our other bro's 21st birthday. We all got in with our fake ids minus said bro who turned 21 and others who were already 21. Our bro had a shitty fl id that he was using in fl but it was legit enough to get into the bar.. He ended up blacking out (obviously), getting in a fight, getting kicked out of the bar, and then getting a ticket from a cop.Dumbass cop wrote the info on the ticket from his fake ID. He is in the clear now. he also left his wallet in the cab ride home with said id inside along with $100 cash.

mullatobro said...

Bro's the best use of the fakey is when you don't even have to use it. When you convince the dumbass liquor store clerk your id is at your house 5 minutes down the street and it's such an inconvenience to drive all the way back, and you still walk out with your PBR's; that shits straight bro-in it.

bro said...

Buying alcohol since I was 17 without even getting IDed. Bros are the shit

Rush LimBRA said...

Freshman year in college me and a bro were going to this bar to find some slam pieces. Now my fake ID was not that bad, but his was another story. He had blond hair and was tan, but not a mexican or anything. He was using the ID of a Columbian foreign exchange student, who was as dark as an African and had black hair. The bouncer said "hmmm... you look tan in this picture" My bro responded saying the picture was taken in the middle of summer and he was a lifeguard, but lost his tan easily. The bouncer was too overwhelmed by the logic and quick thinking. Needless to say, we got in.

Anonymous said...

This is possibly the greatest website ever created. seriously

BROtron said...

Real bro moves when the bouncer tells you your ID is so shitty and fake but Obviously you get banded still. Bro-intimidation

Tom Brokaw said...

One of my bros used to use a fucking piece of printed out paper from some bowling club in allentown pa, and it had no photo on it at all. It was the shittiest ID I have ever seen, but it got us mad 40s.

BROledeo BROhio said...

So last thursday my bros do what we do every thursday get drunk, go to the bar, and grind our d's off on some slam pieces. So after pounding some beast ices me and my bros went to the bar. When i got up to the door man to use my fake id he started questioning me about it. I mean sure it says im 27 and about 50 pounds heavier, but the doorman was being a total bro hater. After answer every question he could think of (he even asked me to smile like i smiled in the picture) he let me in and me and my bros went on to have a great night getting some slam pieces and getting ours

Terrell BROwens said...

me and my bro got voter registration cards when we were fifteen years old. used them to buy dip and cigarettes. didnt even have birthdates on them

Anonymous said...

I think one of the best schemes is fakes from other countries. Me and my bros all made our own fakes from the netherlands, which probably looked nothing at all like the real thing, but who the fuck has ever seen an actual drivers license from the Netherlands. Just make up some goofy accent to go with it and you're in.

Average Bro said...

There's some good shit in this one. I especially liked the line about "bros evolving faster". I was wondering if you were going to run out of shit to write about, but this is truly one of my favorites. The part about embracing the challenge was also classic. It's too bad you spend your time molding the youth to be little bro-clones, because you have talent.

BRObocop said...

Bros i am in need of a fake and i dont know of anybody who can hook me up. i dont have cool enough older relatives to get a hand me down one too. any suggestions?

Shin-Soo BREW said...

fake id is a great fucking investment, mine says BROde Island

Anonymous said...

I go into a bar in philly when i was 17 with my real ID. The Bro-hating bouncer knew that I'd call my rich dad and get him to file a lawsuit against his ass.

Bros get what they want simply because.....we're the fucking shit

Anonymous said...

I got into a bar with a Jesus prayer card; bouncer asked me my birthday and I replied with straight face: "December 25, 0 AD. Sorry, I know the picture's a little old." I got a look of pure admiration and the warning "Don't start shit." Ya, he knew I was a boss.

Anonymous said...

www.fakeidsxpress.com best out there. Perfect holo, uv and sacannable.

George Smithe said...

I once got into a club as one Jacob Hanock. (May the lord bless that man, for that was the night I lost my virginity.) The man who was passed out in the ditch 15 ft in front of the club. I was a 13yr old 5'6 white kid and the I.D. said I was a 5'10 29yr old aisan dude.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Copyright 2010 Bros Like This Site LLC