#146 Strip Clubs

If the Bro Kings of the 1950’s were alive to see the atrocities in the workplace today, I have a feeling they’d fucking cry. Sadly, we no longer live in a world where the objectification of women is seen as the positive thing it truly is. Society’s once heavy-duty staple of giving women promotions strictly based on their sexual prowess has been removed – perhaps forever. As the bro-hater #133 feminists (who are just jealous because they couldn’t get promoted since no one in their fucking right mind would bang them) stick out their A-cup chests with pride, they think they’ve won the war. They’re fucking wrong. While the government may make it illegal for men to be men aka tell their secretary she’s fired unless she gives him a #145 BJ, they’ll never take away our right – or should I say duty - as bros to treat slam pieces the way they want to be treated – as fucking objects. There’s truly no better place to do this than at the fucking strip club.

#138 Wingbros

It’s Friday night and you’re ready to fucking celebrate. It was tough as shit, but this past week you tied your personal record by attending exactly 0 of your classes. You deserve this fucking victory lap. As you order another pitcher from “#28 The Pencil Sharpener” aka the waitress who gave you a toothy BJ last week, you debate with your bros whether you should subject your Yellow #2 to another shaving. Just as your bros start a “We Want Blood” #4 chant you see them: Two fucking hotties in a booth by the door. Normally, since you’re a bro, all you’d need to do is walk by them and they’d be begging to bang you – but you can tell these girls are different. You give your bro a tap to the chest and announce, “It’s fucking on.”

While normal guys might fear rejection, that’s the last thing on your mind. You immediately engage them in conversation – taking turns to talk each other up and making sure to tell them about how #1 fucked up you get, just so they know how fucking awesome you are. After about 5 minutes of getting to know each other, it’s time to hit that fucking dance floor for some high class romance aka #29 grinding to whatever rap song the shitty DJ has on his iPod. Within minutes it’s clear that no fucking lecture class could ever teach you the skills necessary for tonight’s profession: Conductor of the Pound Town Express. While you could have accomplished this slaying alone, having your Wingbro there locked that shit up. One bro fucking dominates shit, but put two together and slam pieces don’t even have a chance. Bros fucking love Wingbros.

#134 Cheerleaders

July 21, 2010. In one of the most defining victories since a judge let that slut Roe get an #24 abortion, justice was finally served. July 21, 2010. A day where the courts decided to forget about bullshit cases for petty crimes like armed robbery or murder and finally devote some time to the most pressing issue facing not only this country, but the entire World. July 21, 2010. The day the judicial system finally opened their fucking eyes, saw the injustice plaguing bros, and in a monumental decision that was undoubtedly more important for society than Brown vs. Board of Education, they said those magic words: cheerleading is not a sport.

Upon hearing this, bros everywhere rejoiced as if they had just found out they're “not the father” on Maury. For years bros had been telling everyone and their fucking mother that yelling out “We’ve got spirit, yes we do!” does not constitute physical activity, but no one would listen. Well, thanks to a little thing called the US fucking Government, they now had to pay attention. From that day forward any girl claiming that cheerleading was a sport would not only be committing a malicious act of Brocism – she would also be shitting on the #63 US of A. These colors don’t run – and you better fucking believe they don’t hold up signs saying, “Go” or “Team.”

#128 Bikinis

Bros and society fucking hate each other. Outside of the glorious double-standard that makes it not only acceptable but also the social norm to bang #101 younger chicks while simultaneously labeling girls as #39 Cougars if they hook up with younger guys, there’s really not that much on which we agree. While society keeps pushing its anti-bro Nazi-like propaganda aka “Women’s Rights,” there is really little bros can get away with these days. Sadly, we live in a time where even harmless attempts at conversation can result in a fucking sexual harassment charge. Once innocent questions such as “Are you single?” “What color underwear are you wearing?” and “Do you swallow?” are now seen as “inappropriate” or “threatening.” Fucking bullshit. While society’s “Fourth Reich” continues its reign of terror on bros and the Women’s movement somehow continues to grow (hairy) legs, there’s always one thing that will remain constant. It’s something that reminds bros that women shouldn’t be running for fucking President or sitting on the Supreme Court (unless, of course, she’s ruling over “The Case of the Missing Shoes: A ‘Sex and the City’ Mystery!”) - they should be getting their tickets punched for fucking Pound Town. Obviously, I’m talking about fucking bikinis.

#3 Calling Girls Sluts

Bros dig power, and to be honest there is nothing more empowering than calling girls sluts. Honestly, does it get any better than cruising the streets with your bros and constantly saying, “Oh, look at these fucking sluts!” every time you pass by a group of girls. Answer: No, it doesn’t. Bros love to change the pronunciation of sluts just to mix things up. Slutties, Sloots, and Slutbags are variations of the word, but they all mean the same thing: that the girl is a ho-bag.

While its fun to call girls sluts behind their back, its even more rewarding to call it to their face. The best part of calling girls sluts is that most of the time they aren’t sluts at all, but it still makes them feel like they are, which is awesome. Anytime you can make a girl feel self-conscience about herself, you have done your job as a bro.

Let’s take a look at the appropriate times to call a girl a slut:

When she’s showing off skin – Honestly, she’s just asking to be called a slut at this point. This is a no-brainer. If you and your boys don’t call her a slut, you lose serious bro-points. I mean this is a fucking lay-up line insult that will definitely get you some fist pounds so why would you pass it up?

When she insults you in any way – Its so fucking sweet being a bro. No matter what a girl says you always have a trump card. Say for example, some girl is making fun of you because you live in your parent’s basement. That’s when you remind her what she is.

When she rejects your advances – So, you’re at a bar with all your bros (obvs) and some girl that’s hot as shit tries to get a beer right next to you. You obviously hit on her because she’s basically asking for it. However, this girl doesn’t appear interested. What do you do? In order to not lose any bro-cred it’s best to just rip into her calling her a slut. Other possibilities are that she’s a “whore”, “lesbian”, or “dyke-bitch.”