Thursday, February 3, 2011

#150 Charlie Sheen

The emails have been pouring in for months. “When are you going to honor the greatest Bro King of all time?” At first, I didn’t give them much attention. Sure he was on a bit of a #103 hot streak, but come on, anyone can put a couple nights of partying with porn stars together, but does that really warrant an entire post? I mean look at fucking Vinny Chase – he spent half of last season’s #47 Entourage getting fucked up and banging Sasha Grey and he’s nowhere to be found (mostly because her “natural” look gave me fucking nightmares for weeks.) The point is, I was waiting. Waiting for that defining moment, where he just said, “Fuck it, and fuck you society! I’m a fucking bro and I’m doing whatever the fuck I want.” That moment came last week as he flung the tyrannical shackles of society’s brocism aside and stood up for what he believed in: a 36 hour cocaine induced #58 bender with a shitload of porn stars. It’s time to pay homage, bros. It’s time to honor Charlie Sheen.

I knew from an early age that Charlie Sheen was a fucking legend. Just look his most famous roles, and no, I’m not talking about movies like “Platoon” or “Wall Street” that get critical aka bro-hater acclaim. I’m talking about his passion projects. Roles that he was born to fucking play like Topper Harley in “Hot Shots.” And nothing will ever top the pinnacle in his acting career. His unprecedented rise from the California penal league to bang his teammate’s wife in “Major League” was reportedly Michael Vick’s motivation at Leavenworth.

His success has led him to his most lucrative position for these past 10 years or so in “Two and a Half Men.” Now I’ve never really seen the show, mostly because it doesn’t have any fucking nudity, but from what I’ve heard, Charlie Sheen plays Charlie Sheen. A middle age guy who bangs lots of slutty women. For some reason, America fucking loves this show to the point that they just deliver huge sacks with dollar signs on them to Sheen’s mansion every week. But what doesn’t America like? That Charlie Sheen does whatever the fuck he wants with his money.

Ask any bro what he would do with millions of dollars and I guarantee it wouldn’t be what those fucking liars in that “Billionaire” song claim. Adopt kids like Angelina and Brad Pitt? Clean up Katrina? Yeah fucking right, bros would do exactly what Charlie Sheen has been doing – getting beyond fucked up with porn stars. Now, I’m not here to promote cocaine use, mostly because I know there are bro-haters out there trying to pin some shit on me to get this site taken down, but let’s be honest with ourselves about this. Sure Charlie Sheen had a briefcase full of coke, and that does seem like it’s a lot, but come on, it’s not like it’s the first time he’s ever done cocaine. I don’t know if you’ve ever taken Biology, but there’s this little thing called “tolerance” and you build it up over time. Much like society is quick to falsely label bros “#124 alcoholics” for drinking 27 beers over the course of 5 hours, they also want to call Sheen a drug addict for having a little innocent fun with some 20 year old girls and just enough coke to get fucking Tony Montana buzzing.

Now that it’s been exposed that Charlie Sheen’s actually an X-Rated version of his “Two and a Half Men” character, people are scared. They want Charlie to get help. People who have never fucking met this Bro King are out there crying that he needs rehab. Who the fuck do these people think they are? Rehab for what? Being awesome? The facts are that these “concerned fans” have no fucking lives themselves, so they have to live vicariously through TMZ and when they see someone actually living it up, they get fucking jealous. Charlie Sheen isn’t hurting anyone. He’s not even hurting himself. “But what about his ex-wife and kids??” Please – Charlie Sheen tried to live by society’s rules. He married Denise Richards of “topless #98 lesbian make-out with Neve Campbell” fame, but quickly realized what bros have known for fucking eternity: as his wife got older, fatter, and uglier, a new porn star turned 18 every day.

Since society has placed a thorny crown of blame upon our hero, Charlie Sheen has sadly checked himself into “home rehab.” While the fucking bro-haters spew brocist slurs at Sheen such as “addict,” “embarrassment,” and even claim he’s “crying for help,” true bros don’t make accusation or give him labels. Instead, bros across the World show their respect by uniting to ask themselves one crucial question: “What Would Charlie Sheen Do?” Charlie Sheen: King of the Bros.

42 comments:

Anonymous said...

yahtzee

Flick the Biehn said...

Other great Charlie Sheen movies overlooked by bro-haters:

1) Navy SEALs - The golf scene is one of the best representations of broing out ever. Also, a lot of bro-hating terrorists are wiped out.

2) Terminal Velocity - He plays a rogue sky diver who needs to stop a rogue ex-KGBer played by James Gandolfini from getting gold reserves to crash the Russian economy. Fuck yes.

3) The Rookie - Basically a Dirty Harry movie with Charlie Sheen playing the sidekick.

4) Red Dawn - Any real bro should be able to recite multiple lines from this commie-slaughtering epic.

5) The Chase - Sheen bangs Kristy Swanson when she is in full-on babe mode.

6) Young Guns - Unfuckablewith cast. Another badass performance by Sheen.

Anonymous said...

Best part? He sent a text to some reporter saying, "can't a guy have fun and do his job?" It's bros like him that makes me think we have a chance.

Keith Stone said...

"Look at this fucking guy"

Alpha and Bromega said...

Brodigy.

Anonymous said...

I've looked up to Charlie for the better part of my adult life, thank you NYB for paying him homage. I hate brohaters who shit on him. One piece of shit from Tx tech even tried to pick up my bro's leftovers by posting on her facebook "Charlie Sheen's a boy, my dad's a man" fucking faggots out there...

Anonymous said...

Let's not forget his role in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. When he met Jeanie at the police station, he was coked out, and she hated him. By the end of the scene, he was making out with her and she thought he was the biggest bro known to man. She thought right.

Smokey Broes said...

Age 16 - Arrested for falling asleep while high at the wheel of his BMW.

Age 25 - "Accidentally" shot his fiancee in the arm

It's Hazing Season said...

His brother is Emilio fucking Estevez. How that was forgotten is beyond me.

Edgar Allen Bro said...

Red Dawn = one of the biggest bro movies of all time. high school bros mowing down commi's with machine guns

charlie sheen = bro god

Anonymous said...

Charlie Sheen is definitely a Bro but c'mon he cant be givin up on Denise Richards. Anybody seen her in Blue Mountain state lately (a Bro Show). She looked so fine. 18 year old porn stars may pop up everyday but theres only one Denise Richards!

Maverick said...

I had similar feelings as anonymous above when I was working on BMS as a football player when I met the Beauty that is Denise Richards. Then I got home and saw an old school episode of 2 and a half men when Charlie was playing himself drinking and banging 22 year olds every episode and then I understood why he is a bro king

Anonymous said...

"I swear to god, I had no idea!" ...He knew, he knew exactly what he was doin' when he was slayin' Dorn's wife.

Anonymous said...

He is also a raging liberal which ruins it.

You can be bro as shit, the minute you vote dem though you lose all credibility.

Danny Devibro said...

Charlie doesn't just ride the pound town express. He owns the whole fucking train line. Bro king for sure.

Anonymous said...

swear to god, i watched hot shots last night.

you know, i think i'm going to cook bacon on a girl's stomach this weekend

collin said...

NYB, is Charlie Sheen 'a bro king' or 'the king of bro kings'?

Mr. Sick Dude said...

party wit charlie.. numero uno on the bucket list

Anonymous said...

I dont think anyone mentioned Sheen in Men at Work with Emilio Emilio Estevez.... "I was like, E-M-I-L-I-O!!!" hahaha
back to Men at Work though, greeeeaaattt bro movie plot with fucked up trash men trying to solve a murder case..

Anonymous said...

Charlie Sheen lives every bro's fantasy out. Every bro has had that conversation of how bro charlie sheen is and now the whole world finally sees it... BRO KING!!!

brorlando pace said...

Charlie Sheen should play NYB in a movie

Anonymous said...

Are you kidding this fucking mexican's name is Carlos Irwin Estevez. Is this chode even Greek?

OK all you guys that are going to harass me on this, he does act the part of being a bro with the brocaine and shooting his girlfriends in the arm and partying it up with porn stars. But truthfully, bros don't act the part of a true bro they ARE the parts of a true bro.

Anonymous said...

What about his cameo in Ferris Buellers day off? Total bro. Mackin a slampiece in a fucking police station. Bro as fuck

Anonymous said...

Charlie Sheen is the fucking shit

Silvio Bro'lusconi said...

Charlie Sheen leads the ideal life that all men should aspire for!

kerlind said...

FUCK NO he isnt Mexican, his dad (Martin Sheen) was from Galicia Spain and his mom is from Ireland. Shut the fuck up brohater.

Silvio Bro'lusconi said...

He is rank amateur; I on the other hand have led a far more player lifestyle than Charlie Sheen. Bro Nation please help me shake off the brocists that attack me and Charlie Sheen. Banging slampieces and not giving a fuck is what bros do all across the world.

Anonymous said...

Clint Eastwood is the greatest fucking bro king of all time

Anonymous said...

great post, but if you dont think Charlie Sheen was a BRO in Wall Street you need to watch that film again. Hookers, blow, and exploiting innocent people for the fast money. he wasnt even acting.

Anonymous said...

Sasha Grey has anal warts bros...among other things.

Anonymous said...

Such a bro!
One movie you forgot was Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Had a small role, but what a bro role it was.
Hooked up with Ferris's sister at the fuckin police station. so chill

Anonymous said...

I just read King Sheen's where he calls out the biggest bro-hating organization of all Alcoholics Anonymous. " He called Alcoholics Anonymous a "cult" and a "bunch of losers" who are "brainwashing his family." "[AA] is vintage, it's outdated, it's stupid and it's worshiped by stupid people and it is their fault," he continued. "Step up and change it, change it right now. Look your father in the eye and say, 'You're wrong, I'm different I'm better, watch me, watch me bury you.'" Charlie added, "I have a disease? Bullshit! I cured it ... with my mind." then took his ex-wife , his girlfriend, and another woman on a vacation to the Bahamas, but yesterday he made Brooke fly home after they had a fight.


BRO FUCKING KING!!!

Anonymous said...

dude is not bro. he has several kids and he smokes crack, engages in domestic violence, etc. he aint setting a good example for his kids. if all of us had fathers growing up who smoked crack, engaged in the behavior sheen engages in, we would all probably be either homeless or placed with foster parents.

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5aSa4tmVNM
bro king

Anonymous said...

Charlie Sheen has taken being a bro to a whole different level. He is a bro god

Chris said...

Bro's: i present you all with Charlie Sheen for the soul. Whenever brocism is really gettin at you, just hear what the Bro King Mr. Sheen has to say. i guaran-fucking-tee it will make you wanna fist bump the shit outta ur computer screen
http://charliesheenforthesoul.com/

LTronHubbard said...

Charlie Sheen. You are the Leonidas to my Sparta. May Broseidon shine favorably on you.

I demand "Support the Sheen" Ribbons. Available in China White, Porn Star Red, and Flashing Lights Blue.

Anonymous said...

Finally someone who isnt an apologetic little bitch... tiger woods should have taken a page out of sheen's book before he apologized to all of america and then went to "sex rehab" - now he sucks at golf. Charlie just passed Mel Gibson as my favorite hollywood bro

Anonymous said...

charlie sheen just fucking wins. plain and simple. bro king. he claims to not be bi polar. that is because he is bi brolar.

Anonymous said...

winning

Anonymous said...

the best part of this post was about sasha grey's 'naturalness' bc thats the DAMN TRUTH. idk who on that whole set enjoyed her bush-ness

Broouteast said...

This guy is such a bro that I quoted him during my Valedictory Speech, The place roared and I heard "Awesome speech bro, sickest quote ever" every few minutes for the remainder of the night!

I have one speed, one gear, go - Charlie "King of bros" Sheen

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