The emails have been pouring in for months. “When are you going to honor the greatest Bro King of all time?” At first, I didn’t give them much attention. Sure he was on a bit of a #103 hot streak, but come on, anyone can put a couple nights of partying with porn stars together, but does that really warrant an entire post? I mean look at fucking Vinny Chase – he spent half of last season’s #47 Entourage getting fucked up and banging Sasha Grey and he’s nowhere to be found (mostly because her “natural” look gave me fucking nightmares for weeks.) The point is, I was waiting. Waiting for that defining moment, where he just said, “Fuck it, and fuck you society! I’m a fucking bro and I’m doing whatever the fuck I want.” That moment came last week as he flung the tyrannical shackles of society’s brocism aside and stood up for what he believed in: a 36 hour cocaine induced #58 bender with a shitload of porn stars. It’s time to pay homage, bros. It’s time to honor Charlie Sheen.
I knew from an early age that Charlie Sheen was a fucking legend. Just look his most famous roles, and no, I’m not talking about movies like “Platoon” or “Wall Street” that get critical aka bro-hater acclaim. I’m talking about his passion projects. Roles that he was born to fucking play like Topper Harley in “Hot Shots.” And nothing will ever top the pinnacle in his acting career. His unprecedented rise from the California penal league to bang his teammate’s wife in “Major League” was reportedly Michael Vick’s motivation at Leavenworth.
His success has led him to his most lucrative position for these past 10 years or so in “Two and a Half Men.” Now I’ve never really seen the show, mostly because it doesn’t have any fucking nudity, but from what I’ve heard, Charlie Sheen plays Charlie Sheen. A middle age guy who bangs lots of slutty women. For some reason, America fucking loves this show to the point that they just deliver huge sacks with dollar signs on them to Sheen’s mansion every week. But what doesn’t America like? That Charlie Sheen does whatever the fuck he wants with his money.
Ask any bro what he would do with millions of dollars and I guarantee it wouldn’t be what those fucking liars in that “Billionaire” song claim. Adopt kids like Angelina and Brad Pitt? Clean up Katrina? Yeah fucking right, bros would do exactly what Charlie Sheen has been doing – getting beyond fucked up with porn stars. Now, I’m not here to promote cocaine use, mostly because I know there are bro-haters out there trying to pin some shit on me to get this site taken down, but let’s be honest with ourselves about this. Sure Charlie Sheen had a briefcase full of coke, and that does seem like it’s a lot, but come on, it’s not like it’s the first time he’s ever done cocaine. I don’t know if you’ve ever taken Biology, but there’s this little thing called “tolerance” and you build it up over time. Much like society is quick to falsely label bros “#124 alcoholics” for drinking 27 beers over the course of 5 hours, they also want to call Sheen a drug addict for having a little innocent fun with some 20 year old girls and just enough coke to get fucking Tony Montana buzzing.
Now that it’s been exposed that Charlie Sheen’s actually an X-Rated version of his “Two and a Half Men” character, people are scared. They want Charlie to get help. People who have never fucking met this Bro King are out there crying that he needs rehab. Who the fuck do these people think they are? Rehab for what? Being awesome? The facts are that these “concerned fans” have no fucking lives themselves, so they have to live vicariously through TMZ and when they see someone actually living it up, they get fucking jealous. Charlie Sheen isn’t hurting anyone. He’s not even hurting himself. “But what about his ex-wife and kids??” Please – Charlie Sheen tried to live by society’s rules. He married Denise Richards of “topless #98 lesbian make-out with Neve Campbell” fame, but quickly realized what bros have known for fucking eternity: as his wife got older, fatter, and uglier, a new porn star turned 18 every day.
Since society has placed a thorny crown of blame upon our hero, Charlie Sheen has sadly checked himself into “home rehab.” While the fucking bro-haters spew brocist slurs at Sheen such as “addict,” “embarrassment,” and even claim he’s “crying for help,” true bros don’t make accusation or give him labels. Instead, bros across the World show their respect by uniting to ask themselves one crucial question: “What Would Charlie Sheen Do?” Charlie Sheen: King of the Bros.