Your head is fucking pounding. As you fight back the morning #48 vomit, you hear a voice, “Hey there big boy!” Holy shit, you totally forgot that you brought some random chick home last night. Now she’s lying in your bed naked and she’s fucking hot. Just as you’re on top of the World, she does something that will forever change your relationship – she opens her fucking mouth.
“I had soooo much fun last night! It seemed like we just danced forever! Oh, by the way, what’s your favorite color? Mine’s pink – LIKE FLAMINGOS! What's your have a favorite bird? I like owls, but sometimes they’re SCARY!! How many kids do you want? Do you ever put socks on your hands and pretend they’re your feet???”
Suddenly, your plan of having a morning-sesh then kicking her to the curb has been replaced by your current more important mission: get her the fuck out of your room as fast as humanly possible.
“Hey, listen, crazy stranger – that is your name isn’t it? This isn’t gonna to work.”
“But you told me you loved me!? That’s why I gave you that #145 BJ!!”
“You’re a great girl and all, but I gotta be honest with you…I’m becoming a woman.”
“Yup, I’ve got an operation next week, at which point, I’ll have a vagina. Speaking of which, do you have any tips on douching techniques?”
Boom. She’s fucking out of the picture. Obviously you’re not getting a vagina, but she doesn’t know that. She’s a Slam Piece, by definition one of the dumbest people in the fucking universe, so she’ll believe anything. Under normal circumstances you’d get her phone number and probably bang her again the next time you get wasted, but she’s a Clinger, and bros don’t fuck with that shit.
It’s common knowledge that Bros and Slam Pieces have an unwritten contract that fairly represents the interests of both groups. Slam Pieces are allowed to contact Bros only if they intend on banging. All other contact is simply a waste of time and therefore, forbidden. I mean, really, do you think bros are interested in hearing about how hard your day at work was or how you’ll be “studying in the library allllll night long”? Fuck no. All we care about is whether you’re ready for that late night ride on the Pound Town Express. So anytime a Slam Piece tries to learn more about us or develop some sort of relationship – bros show that Clinger the fucking door.
When faced with this situation, the easiest thing to do is lie. It’s always good to get creative with this option, because, let’s be honest, it doesn’t fucking matter if you get caught in the lie. What are they going to do? Not have sex with you again? That’s the fucking point. I always like to dream big – say there’s some Clinger that won’t fucking leave the morning after. I’ll start to pretend I can’t breathe, then run to the bathroom to douse myself with water. When she asks what I’m doing I’ll just say, “I really don’t know how to tell you this – but I’m a Mermaid. And my name isn’t NYB - it’s Ariel. An evil sea-queen named Ursula granted me this man’s body for just one week, but time is running out. For the love of God - get me to sea water!!” Usually does the trick.
But what if the lies don’t work? What if she keeps fucking #122 texting you, even after she dumped an entire container of Morton's Sea Salt into your fucking bath tub so you could “survive”? It might be time for some honest fucking truth. By telling the girl why she needs to leave you the fuck alone, she’ll usually do it, but only if you point out all her physical flaws. Do it subtlety and tastefully. For example, “The cottage cheese on your hips makes me want to vomit” or “I think your parents should stop paying tuition and invest that money in your nose job” gently let her down and give her something to build upon. Sure this might have the opposite effect, making her want you more, but if you just keep grinding away, eventually you won’t have to worry about that Clinger anymore.
We live in a World where it’s not safe to be a bro. Challenges and obstacles constantly attempt at preventing us from being the bro we can be. There’s no greater obstacle in a bro’s life than a fucking Clinger. As Clingers do everything in their power to hold onto the only thing that has ever been good in their life aka the Bro that banged them when he was #142 blacked out, Bros need to move on. They have a duty to bang as many Slam Pieces as humanly possible. They owe to themselves. They owe it to the World. No Clinger will ever get in the way of a Bro’s destiny. So bounce the Clinger, and Bro all that you can Bro.