It’s Thursday night and you’re fucking pissed. After spending an hour talking to some slut, you’re #23 driving home alone. You thought she was in ready-to-bang formation aka alone at the bar, but after talking to her for like 45 minutes, it arrived: her designated ugly fat friend. You don’t really know where she was during that time, but you’re pretty sure she was either taking a massive dump or hanging out under a bridge somewhere eating children’s bone marrow. Either way she completely fucked up your plans of banging this random girl then never talking to her again. Under normal circumstances you’d ask her some shit like, “So what’s your deal? Are you training to be a contestant on “The Biggest Loser” or something? But her friend was fucking hot, so you decide to bite your tongue. After 10 minutes of Wilbur from “Charlotte’s Web” asking the hot girl why no boys are talking to her, you decided to cut your losses. You got the hot girls number and pretended to cough so you can made some snorting noises under your breath while staring at the fatty, just so she knew you hate her. Now, as you drive home paying homage to Nate Dogg by playing “Regulators” on repeat you feel a buzz in your pocket – it’s the slut from the bar.
“Sry about my friend – nice to meet you and we def hav to get 2gether soon!”
“Yeah, I’m fucking pissed we didn’t get to bang, too,” you smoothly reply as you continue to drunkenly navigate the road.
Five minutes pass and you start wondering if this girl actually thinks you’re gonna take her out on a fucking #75 date. Fat fucking chance, you’re a bro – if she wants you to buy her a meal, then she can have some fucking Cheerios the morning after a midnight trip to Pound Town. That’s when your Droid buzzes again. This time there’s more than just a #122 text.
“Hope this works for tonight!” Just below the message is the familiar, now naked body of the girl you met just an hour ago. Oh it works all right. Now a piece of her belongs to you forever. While she thinks this will be for “your eyes only” – you better fucking believe you’ll be showing all your bros. After all, bros fucking love sexting.
Alexander Graham Bell was a fucking Bro King. You gotta believe when he made that first telephone call, he was thinking that one day his invention would allow bros to get naked pics from girls they barely even fucking know. I for one am fucking proud about the progress we’ve made. Innovation and technological advances makes #63 America the great country it is today, and to be honest, the only thing more American than apple pie and fire works on the 4th of July is some good old fashioned amateur porn. Here’s some of the great things about sexting.
Proves Your Love – “Don’t you love me?” and “You’d do it if you love me” are two of the clutch phrases a bro uses to get a girl to send them that naked picture. You see, girls emotions run on this made up word society calls, “love.” Bros don’t believe in fake shit like feelings – they believe in shit you can prove – like banging bitches! Anyways, obviously you’re a bro, so every girl’s gonna fucking fall “in love” with you. Unlike them who, “just know” you need proof. What better proof than a drunken iPhone picture in the mirror of her bedroom?
Show and Tell – So you finally got your slam piece to send the naked pic, under the conditions “FOR YOUR EYES ONLY.” Little does she know, bros don’t fucking follow rules – especially from slam pieces. The first thing any bro does when he gets a naked pic is send that shit to all his bros. These days it’s almost more of a notch on your belt to get a sext than it is to even bang the girl. That’s because while the #131 drunken bang session might be nice, it’s often just one night. Being able to share the experience by sitting around, #35 pregaming, and comparing naked pictures of chicks you’ve banged with your bros is something that fucking lasts forever.
It’s Safe – I fucking hate all those advertisements warning girls about the “dangers or putting naked pictures on the internet.” Fucking please, what danger? When has anyone ever gotten hurt taking naked pictures of themselves? If you’re really scared about sabotaging your career of “trying to convince some rich guy that you weren’t in slut in College so he’ll marry you” then hide your fucking face. No one can prove that it’s you in the picture, mostly because your body’s about as good as it will ever be. If nothing else you should just keep the naked picture as motivation and a reminder that you actually used to be hot.
While bros are scientifically proven to be the most advanced, intelligent people on the planet, even we can forget some things. As time moves by, memories of drunken hook ups start to fade to the point where we’re no longer able to just look at our former slam piece’s facebook #128 bikini pics to imagine her naked. This is a plea for all Slam Pieces out there who never want to be forgotten. Send us your naked pictures, and we promise – it’s for our eyes only.