Throughout the history of time, there have been certain technological and scientific advances that have benefited bros more than any other group in society. The Red Zone Channel, Internet porn, and #24 the morning after aka "murder pill" immediately come to mind. But above all these incredible innovations lies something that would have made our Great-Grandparents threaten to burn us at the stake like all those slut witches back in the day. The idea of “typing into a phone” would have sounded fucking insane just 10 years ago, but thankfully, unlike society, technological developers are dedicated to Bro Rights. Through hard work and determination and no doubt many lives lost, tech geeks put aside the fact that they will die a virgin to help out a group much-overlooked by society’s brocist reign of terror: the bros. Thank you Techie nerds for all your hard work and “holding out for marriage to avoid STDs” because bros fucking love Texting.
Texting is the fucking shit. I still remember the first time I discovered texting. I sent one to my buddy saying something really important along the lines of, “Fuck you,” or “I banged your Mom.” Over the years texting has evolved and you better fucking believe bros are taking advantage of that shit. Let’s take a look at a few of the things that bros fucking love about texting.
No Conversations: Have you ever seen a girl get out of class or work? Immediately she gets on the phone and starts fucking yammering away, most likely about how awesome bros are or which Twilight character’s “team” she’s on. Bros don’t have time for that bullshit. We have much more important shit to take care of – like getting fucking wasted and banging slam pieces. Texting lets bros get the message across quickly without any fucking fanfare. “Where you at?” “What time you getting there?” or “Did you end up banging that #3 slut?” are all common bro texts that not only get the point across, but also avoid time wasting bullshit like “Hello,” “How are you?” or “Goodbye.”
Funny as Shit – Fact: Bros are fucking hilarious. Bros have been sending funny texts about all the shit they do to one another way before bro haters started writing fake shit and submitting it to Texts From Last Night. Unlike all those fucking #80 losers praying that their area code gets on the mainpage of a website, bros actually live that shit. Say there’s something that absolutely has to be shared with all your bros – like that you just #97 took a massive dump on a car windshield – you better believe you’re sending out a mass text. Or what happens when you finally bang “#28 Big Tits Bartender” – you immediately have to let your bros know about that shit. Thanks to texts – your bros won’t have to wait to hear that you banged her in an #52 alley while some homeless man slept nearby.
Effortless Sex – When a bro gets a girl’s phone number, he doesn’t wait three days to #49 call just so the girl doesn’t think he’s “too into her.” He doesn’t get all nervous and practice what he’s going to say to ask her out on a #75 date. Fuck that. When a bro gets a number he uses it for one thing and one thing only: late night booty-texts. Now, under normal circumstances a girl might be offended if a guy didn’t call for a week and the first contact made (other than a facebook friendship to check out bikini pics) is a 2am Saturday night text saying: “Want to hang out?” but please, we’re not taking about normal guys here – we’re talking about fucking bros. Bros might as well just text “All Aboard” to slam pieces, because there’s only one thing that a late night text from a bro means: the Pound Town Express is about to leave the fucking station.
So, this weekend, as the bartenders scream “Last Call for Alcohol!” and you start sifting through your phone to find who you can Text-for-Sex, think back to all those hard working Techie nerds who made the sacrifices to protect and foster the Bro Rights that you fucking deserve. Give them a nod, because while Lord knows they won’t be getting laid tonight, you better fucking believe you will. All Hail, Texting. All Hail, Bros.