Thursday, April 7, 2011

#159 Knowing Their Bros' Skeletons

It was Memorial Day two years ago. After a solid 12 hours of drinking, we somehow ended up back at our old #111 High School friends’ place in Dewey Beach. As we chugged their beers and threw hot dogs at their fans, it was clear that we were quickly wearing out our welcome. Then out of nowhere, I was approached by one of the girls staying in the house, “Hey, do you smoke #70 weed?” Now, normally I’m not a real big pot smoker, but over the years, I’ve learned that if a girl asks you to smoke weed alone with her, YOU SMOKE THAT FUCKING WEED. I turned to my bro and whispered, “I’m gonna go smoke some drugs and have some sex – I’ll see you tomorrow.”

So we headed downstairs to the back porch where we smoked a bowl and within 10 minutes she was #52 riding me in a fucking beach chair. After our “love making” I got her number since she promised some daytime banging and made my way back to my beach house. As I passed out drunk, high, and laid, I was on top of the fucking World. Little did I know what I had just gotten myself into.

The next day, after spending 5 hours at the Starboard, I thought the time was right for romance. Wanting to show off my latest takedown, I brought my bros along to check her out, which ultimately turned out to be the biggest mistake of my life. As she emerged from her house one of my bros literally fell on the ground laughing. Another looked at me in disbelief and screamed, “I thought you said you banged a girl – not the main character from fucking ‘Ratatouille’.” My mind started racing: This couldn’t be the same girl. Was I really that fucked up? She was much better looking last night in the pitch dark. I couldn’t have? I did. I fucked a busted chick.

For the past two years, even though I’ve more than made up for it with the quality of my slam pieces, my bros haven’t let me forget about this tragic, unforgivable act - nor should they. No matter how high you get, bros always know how to bring you down – they just open those closet doors and bring out your fucking skeletons.

Now I know there are bros out there smashing their fucking keyboards and screaming, possibly with tears in their eyes, “WHAT THE FUCK NYB!! BROS ONLY BANG DIMES!!” Bros aren’t fucking delusional. No matter who you are or how many fucking #95 models you’ve slayed, there’s at least one busted chick on your resume. I mean, come on, it’s not our fucking fault. Combining enough alcohol to kill a German shepherd with our #109 incredible good looks, we’re bound to encounter some scud missiles looking to destroy our reputation. It’s really an occupational hazard. Even though banging trolls is not technically our fault, true bros should never let their friends just get away with that shit. The only way we as a people can continue to bang the hottest slam pieces is by ensuring settling for anything sub-7 is never an option.

While most dumb mistakes like impregnating a girl can be #24 quickly corrected with no mental or physical side effects whatsoever, when bros know you banged a fucking fatty, they’ll never let you hear the end of it. My bros like to name their #62 fantasy teams after ugly girls one of us has banged or if we’re bored we’ll just friend her on facebook to look through her pictures while making #48 puking noises. Another fun game is pointing out all the disgusting things you would rather bang than the girl in question. Examples might include farm animals, people who have been dead for years, or Kirstie Alley.

Knowing your bros’ skeletons is fucking clutch because it essentially gives you a free pass. Sure for the past three months you’ve been ragging on your bro for banging a girl with a face like Scarecrow from “Batman Begins,” but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a hypocrite for nailing some slut with fucking jellyrolls pouring out of her top. Sure she’s fat as shit, but whatever, you’re fucking hammered and that bra makes her boobs look huge. Besides, no matter what your bros say, you can always bring it back to the ugly girls they’ve banged and shut their asses up. This usually leads to the debate as to who banged the ugliest girl. But please note, no matter who technically “wins” the argument, there truly are no winners.

When Bros get together, we don’t fucking talk about the news. We don’t fucking talk about how work is going or what classes we’re taking next semester. Our conversations revolve around three main topics: Sports, Girls we’re trying to bang, and most importantly the Girls we’ve already banged. Sure it’s great to talk about all the pipe you’ve laid to hot chicks, but there’s nothing better than giving your bros shit for banging busted bitches. This weekend, as your bro is cozying up to some Robin Williams look-alike at the bar, let the magic happen. He might think it’s just a one-night stand, but much like Herpes – skeletons fucking last forever.

20 comments:

bigyale87 said...

There is nothing better than ripping on a bro for bagging a barnyard animal.

My bro bagged a legit 4/10 last year. We all found out and texted all our bros. He seriously did not go out with us again for a month, and I saw him at the library and just shook my head. He had grown a beard.

When your boys find out about you bagging a cow, there can be psychological damage.

KCbro said...

What did your bros call her ratatouille for? This post is so damn true, nothing better than giving people shit even if it is your bros

Brolic said...

Ah, truer words have never been smoking. Having some skeletons in the closet is pretty much the only thing keeping bros from being proclaimed gods among men. And at the end of the day- you still got your nut. So there's some solace in that

Living with Balls said...

Very true. Everyone has at least one girl they aren't proud of.

Anonymous said...

Fuck NYB you hit it spot on again. Back when I was only a bro in training I banged a 5/10 my bros gave me shit about it for an entire year even though since then I've banged hotter slam pieces than most of my bros.

bro maurer said...

me and my bros like to put up a 10 dollar pot for bagging the ugliest girls at bars. you must take a picture with your BB, i-phone etc. with the barnyard animal. at the end of the night you compare pictures and whoever snags the ugliest wins the pot.

The Man With Bro Name said...

All the haters know that NYB is right.

Banging slams is kinda like a video game. You gotta slay a hideous dragon or two before you get to the princess.

Boise State BROnco said...

Bigyale87 hit it spot on with the pyschological damage that comes with banging a barnyard animal. I might write my thesis paper on the pychological effects of getting caught slamming a whale and how it can ruin a bro.

Browen Wilson said...

"This weekend, as your bro is cozying up to some Robin Williams look-alike at the bar, let the magic happen." Hahaha fucking money. Can't hate on the inevitable sub 7'er.

Oh yeah, HAPPY NATIONAL BEER DAY, BROS!!!http://minesuhpint.tumblr.com/post/4420916734/national-beer-day

Slumpbuster said...

I used to bang slothpieces when ultra hammered for sport. But then it was harder to treat them as humans and I felt not making any eye contact with them during all contact with them, even with a liquid lobotomy, just wasn't something I could keep doing to myself. God really does have a dark sense of humor. On another note, I like to jackstraw them in the throats and ATM them with no remorse before passing out. They love you for it, unfortunately.

Anonymous said...

NYB, so true about the smoking and banging part. Fucking classic. Girls that smoke weed love to have a nasty bang sesh afterwards and who better but a bro to oblige.

Anonymous said...

Correction... When bros get together they talk about 4 things. The three you stated and the most important one, talking about how wasted they got. swag

Daily said...

During our Daylong my one bro was so blacked out even under warning he hooked up with this 3/10 in the study lounge that had blatant herpes on her face... When i told him the next day he went with his head hung in shame to planned parenthood to get tested.

Tom Brolfes said...

This post is so true. My freshman year, I blacked out and banged a girl that was #28 nicknamed 'the left tackle'. Been getting shit for it ever since. Good thing my bros have been collecting their own skeletons themselves...

Brock Landers said...

In my fraternity at the Ivy League college I attended, we had an award for the brother that hooked up with the nastiest, most revolting skank. The award, aptly entitled "The Picker-Upper," was literally a dogshit scooper like this one:

http://www.pet-dog-cat-supply-store.com/shop/shop_image/product/ad4ea50fcc50d1588e56b43d21cb9c16.jpg

When warranted, the award was given out at a brother's meeting if it was decided, by majority vote, that the brother in question had hooked up with a skank as nasty or nastier than the previous award recipient.

Each bro who won the award had to engrave his name on it and keep the shit scooper mounted on the wall in his room until another bro won it.

Ivy League bros are the blue bloods of bros.

Anonymous said...

gotta love the starboard reference, im a big fan. dewey devils at north beach are probably the best things about that state.

Anonymous said...

This is honored in the Pilgrim Award, a weekly recognition of the brother who "settled the hardest"

Anonymous said...

If your bro slays a two-headed dragon-slut, you are brogally obligated to shit on his face.

Broce said...

I banged a fat chick the other night while dipping in and out of consciousness at my beach house, my friends have been hounding me for it ever since

Anonymous said...

Really? Who the fuck goes out and says " hey bro's lets see who can fuck the ugliest bitch tonight!" that's a typical night out at the bars for you? Dude that's fucking gross. Totally not bro. I mean who the fuck wants to go out on a Friday night planning on fucking the nastiest bitch you can find?

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