Tuesday, May 10, 2011

#164 Life After College

Graduation fucking #118 sucks. Ever since they sprouted their first pubes, bros have looked forward to the greatest four (or five) years of their lives. College represents that window in every bro’s life where he gets as fucked up as humanly possible and bangs slam pieces nightly without having to make any fucking excuses whatsoever, because, come on, it’s College. But around this time every year bros start to get that sinking feeling that since they’re about to enter the dreaded “real world” the fun’s all over. That they can’t act the same way anymore just because they’re not living in a College town and society says they now have to be fucking mature and shit. That instead of hooking up with random chicks you meet at 1:45 am, you’re gonna have to “court” girls and go out on fucking #75 dates. Fuck that. The truth is your life as a bro isn’t over when you fight off your massive #161 hangover long enough to throw your graduation cap into the air, it’s just getting started. But in order to make the transition from College student to “real person” successful, there’s a few rules you should follow.

Take the Summer Off: Nobody wants to work in a fucking cube their entire life, but even if your Dad gets you that high paying job at his old fraternity brother’s law firm, chances are that’s where 95% of bros are going to end up. While your parents might be giving you shit to get a job the second you graduate, there’s no rush. Last time I checked your diploma doesn’t expire in three months, so take your fucking time. Get your parents to throw you some big graduation party and invite all your relatives that you know will pony up some fucking cash. Make sure to invite all the ones that live far away because while there’s no chance in hell they’ll be coming, they’ll still send you a couple hundred bucks. So, not only will you get the cash, but you won’t have to go through the torture of talking to them about God knows what, probably the fact that they’re old and are going to fucking die soon.

After you shake down all your relatives, you can just live off that shit or if you need to, get some shitty part time job. Say you’re working at a golf course or something, it’s not like the other workers are ever going to try to make you do shit, because I mean, if they do, just tell them about your diploma and how you’ll probably fucking own that golf course one day. Reminding people you’re better than them is by far the best way to get the respect you deserve. Besides, you’ve had a long 4 years of #65 cheating off nerds and drinking six nights a week. You deserve some me time.

Don’t Move Back Home: Times are tough right now, so it’s gonna be tempting to move back home with the parents to save money. Bad fucking idea. Parents can be some of the biggest Brocists on the planet. All you’ll fucking hear about is how it’s not “healthy” to sleep in until noon. Or how #48 puking on a Tuesday night means you have a drinking problem. I just don’t fucking get it - for four years of College, your parents didn’t give a shit where you were at 4 am or how many dirty clothes were on your bedroom floor, but the minute you move back in, it’s like you’re some 14 year old kid again. Fuck that shit, you’re a bro, by definition one of the smartest people on the fucking planet. Your parents don’t know shit about our constant struggle with society. Find a place with a few of your bros within walking distance of bars – it doesn’t matter how shitty the place. I had girls come back to my shithole of a house right after College and while they were disgusted with it, they still fucking banged me anyways. It’s a proven scientific fact that bros could bang a Slam Piece on a fucking pile of garbage if they needed to.

Find the Happy Hours: For normal people Happy Hour means having a cheap drink and an awkward conversation with co-workers about how complicated the new TPS reports have gotten or some shit. Bros aren’t normal people. Happy Hour is the greatest proof that life after College doesn’t change for bros. Bros still get fucked up every night, they just do that shit earlier. Happy Hours are the best place to not only show off how awesome your drinking ability is to your co-workers, but also to try to #152 bang them. Sure it might be “unprofessional” to tell your hot co-worker you’ve masturbated to her facebook page in the office, but you’re in a fucking bar now. At Happy Hour it’s not sexual harassment, it’s fucking running game.

I vividly remember walking across campus on graduation day, deathly hungover, thinking, “it’s over.” I thought it would never get better than those four years I spent in College, but as I moved on to post-College life I quickly realized that College is just the beginning. Sure it’s sad to say goodbye to some of your bros who you probably will never see again, but fucking pull yourself together. We’re bros, we don’t get sad – we get wasted.

15 comments:

The Broman Emperor said...

Two posts a week now? Alright I'm gettin fucked up tonight to celebrate

Anonymous said...

I've been in a drunken depression these last few days over graduating. You've given me hope and a second wind. May Bro bless you!

Smokey Broes said...

When I graduated last May I didn't start my real job until August. Let's just say that I can't remember shit from June or July besides a couple golf tournaments and too many Charlie Sheen-esque benders.

KC BRoyal said...

Thanks NYB. With graduation on Saturday, I fucking needed this.

Anonymous said...

Graduating college was horribly depressing. That's why I went to graduate [law] school. If your parents will pony up for it or you don't mind incurring $150,000 in student loans, I highly suggest you do the same.

For those who think law school is filled with nerds and bro-haters and the 3 years is comprised of nothing but studying, you couldn't be more fuckin' wrong.

If you don't care about graduating in the top 10% so you can join a large corporate firm that will enslave you for 100 hours a week, law school is cake. You don't do shit all semester because there's no tests except for finals, at which point you download outlines and cram for a couple weeks. I drank more in law school than in college and partying was even more fulfilling because many of my friends were stuck working shitty jobs and couldn't rage on a Tuesday.

Also, girls in law school often worked too hard in college and make up for the lost time by being raging whores. And recently graduated girls who aren't in law school will be impressed that you're in law school, assuming you're smart and have lots of ambition, and you'll have the edge over every other recent college grad who is selling office supplies or doing some other stupid shit.

Anonymous said...

I've been out of college for a year and still haven't started a "real" job. Hopefully I can keep this going for another 5 or 6 years. But thanks, I needed this post.

Anonymous said...

Don't forget about how much money your new corporate job pays. Way more than any bro would need to support his lifestyle. Think of all the shots you can buy at the bar for your bros and that one moooching slam piece that's always there when a round is purchased but you keep feeding drinks to because drunk sluts are easier

BROger Federer said...

Thanks for getting me through finals man. Reading this almost makes the one hour of total studying worth it.

brorlando pace said...

im graduating high school in a few weeks, so this post just made me realize how clutch college is going to be. spot on post, nyb, bros are the shit

chadbrochill33 said...

Spot on about Happy Hour. People think day drinking is no longer socially acceptable once out of college. First of all fuck society I'd do it anyway, and secondly those people are wrong. Day drinking is still acceptable and encouraged. I think most people realize if not for day drinking, suicide rates would be staggering. In fact I've already had 3 bros text me saying my ass better be on a bar stool in a couple of hours.

Anonymous said...

Graduated last year, got a job as an accountant in dc, getting pretty fucking stressful surfing the internet half the day and taking 2 hour lunch breaks after showing up a half hour late every day

Anonymous said...

Haha accountant guy is totally right. Corporate life = surfing the internet, 3 martini lunches (people who claim that doesn't happened anymore are fucking liars), and a beer packed kitchen fridge. If you're bro enough you'll find a Mad Men type office that still knows how to have a little back slapping bro-fun. Bros like Mad Men, yes?

In Hoc my cock said...

This post = Too soon. Too soon.

Anonymous said...

KC BRoyal...reppin the 913 i see

RH said...

913? fuck that 816.
KCMO

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Copyright 2010 Bros Like This Site LLC