Tuesday, June 7, 2011

#169 Girls Who Bang on the First Night

While the rest of the World may need water and air to survive, the only fuel bros fucking need are alcohol and getting laid. So it should come as no shock that bros don’t like wasting time. We fucking #130 chug the shit out of our brew. We pound shots. We’ll even snort some fucking #136 adderall just to get a better buzz. So obviously we’re gonna want our other form of sustenance to come just as fast. However, thanks to the fucking bro-hater society, this isn’t always an option. Some girls think the way to a bro’s heart is holding out on him. They think that somehow, just by making out with him it will show him that she’s “better” than all the other girls, and that he’ll ask her out on a fucking date. Then there are girls who rise up against the tyrannical arm of society’s judgment. They say, “enough is enough, I know what I want – and that’s to bang a fucking bro!” These are the girls that all bros love, because after all, they’re just living the dream, too. Bros fucking love girls who bang on the first night.

Now I know what everyone is saying, “Why don’t you just say bros love sluts??” First of all, it’s true, bros do love sluts, but while all sluts bang on the first night, not all girls who bang on the first night are sluts. Bros fucking drive girls crazy. We make them do all kinds of shit they didn’t even know was possible, because at some point their years of telling themselves that they’re a “good girl” or priding themselves on always having the upper hand on whatever fucking sucker takes them out on dates goes out the fucking window the second she lays her eyes on a bro. The truth is, while a true bro will never be fucking tied down, there’s a much better chance to wrap him up at least for a little while by banging him the first night – and here’s why:

Instantly Identifiable – When bros sit around #35 pregaming, we don’t talk about that “good girl” last year that gave us some shitty hand job while we fed her finger treats. Fuck that - we talk about all the slam pieces we’ve fucking banged! I mean honestly, why the fuck would you even come home with a bro without the intention of letting him lay some fucking pipe? What the fuck, are you trying to earn some of those “slut bracelets” at some junior high mixer or some shit? Anyways, not only do girls get the opportunity to bang a bro, but they also get to be commemorated forever by us talking about all the noises you made during the plowing.

Sets the Standard – There’s really no turning back after a girl bangs a bro. What I mean is that you can’t just bang the first night and then the second time around just decide you’re gonna play hard to get. Girls are fucking tricky liars though, so they might make up some bullshit about being “#123 on the rag,” which is obviously bro kryptonite. I always like to text my slam pieces “Period? Y/N” before I even send out the 2 am bro mating call of “Want to hang out?” just to be sure that when she comes over I won’t be met with that fucking flooding lobby scene from “The Shining.” Regardless, you better fucking believe bros are much more likely to hit up a girl who puts out the first night rather than play “sexual roulette” with some girl that just kept shit above the belt the first time around.

Advances the Relationship: Think about everyone you know in a relationship right now. Now think back to how those two got together. Did they go out to dinner a few times and maybe even some shitty Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy before lighting scented candles, putting on some Snow Patrol, and having awkward sober sex for like 30 seconds? If you’re reading this website, I’m gonna say there’s no fucking chance in hell. I guarantee their relationship began out of some drunken night where they banged within 3 hours of meeting each other. And following that drunken hook-up, they got together some other night all hopped up and did it again. And before you know it, they’re in a fucking relationship. By banging on the first night you take out all the fucking pointless “courtship” and guesswork involved in any relationship, since we'll immediately already know the answer to only two things we really care about: 1) What does she look like naked? and 2) Will she have sex with me?

Society’s traditions shouldn’t apply to bros. It’s a proven scientific fact that, much like those fucking monkeys in that new Planet of the Apes movie, we’re a more evolved life form. So why should girls be required to abide by the bullshit “rules of dating” that were once arbitrarily created by some ugly bitch who couldn’t fucking get any? Banging bros on the first night not only benefits the girl getting slayed, but it makes the World a better place.

19 comments:

Bromeo y julieta said...

hell yeah NYB. you continue to take it a notch up on every post. they just keep getting even better than the last one

Anonymous said...

NYB You Speak The Truth

"but while all sluts bang on the first night, not all girls who bang on the first night are sluts. " Sooo true

I will admit the majority of girls I've banged are sluts but there are a few girls who legit almost never bang on the first night but they make a few exceptions. In my experience the non sluty girls who put out right away usually just got out of a 1-2 year relationship and are looking for a #125 rebound.

Anonymous said...

Money

BROclaw said...

NYB once again your the fuckin man. With my latest slampiece that was fortunate enough to meet me, she handed me the tickets to the poundtown express on the first night by simply me telling her "I see you eye-fucking me, here's my number". She called me within an hour and I had her buns up, wheelin' and dealin'.

BROhio State said...

If a girl doesn't putout on the first date, there's clearly no point on pursuing her.

The Man With Bro Name said...

I straight up ask bitches I meet if they bang on the first night. Those who say "no", I walk away from and never talk to again. Those who do bang on the first night don't say "yes" directly though because they don't want to feel like complete whores (even though they are). They usually give some vague or coy answer which lets me know they're DTF. That's when I know it's on and they are then worthy of my time.

Why Am I So Bro? said...

Always best when you plant the flag and make a girl a slut when you bang her on the first night, then pass that shit around to your eskimo bros.

Anonymous said...

NYB is leading a societal revolution. This site will be compiled and put together as a "how to" manual that will be handed out to everything with a cock that comes out of a womb.

Brobert Luongo said...

Bros Like This Site's post should be mandatory reading for all highschool bros.

Anonymous said...

This is the greatest most real post ever.... I said it... ever.

BroLover said...

NYB, you're awesome! This posted reminded me of a little secret I accidentally stumbled upon a couple years ago... if a girl takes the Morning After Pill right after she started her period, her period will totally go away that month. Plus, it makes condoms totally unnecessary and the pre-period horniness lasts for at least an extra week. It's not something I'll do a lot, but in emergency situations, it's the best thing ever.

Anonymous said...

This is money NYB. The girl I've been 'dating' for about the past month -- within the first 24 hours of meeting her I blacked out, gave her a raw dog cream pie, woke up naked on her floor, and made her buy her own plan b after she hysterically cried that 'this never has happened.' Also, have yet to go on a date with her. God this post speaks such epic truths.

Anonymous said...

Bro Haters won't even let me post broslikethissite on people facebook walls anymore. I can't stand all this Brocism. Its freedom of Speech. Bro Haters Suck!!!

Anonymous said...

@brolover ... this post does not concern you as you are obviously a slut, which as nyb stated we do love too.

Anonymous said...

NYB...you gotta honor Nick Manning sometime. I mean really bro the bros the bro king of porn (a decidedly bro king occupation). Not only was he a Wall Street bro after college, but now he not only slays countless slam pieces but does it on film and he sells that shit. You cant get much more bro cred than making a living slaying slam pieces and giving us gems like "the fucking is on" and "its a 3 hole day" and of course "dropping fucking loads"

Anonymous said...

"I guarantee their relationship began out of some drunken night where they banged within 3 hours of meeting each other. And following that drunken hook-up, they got together some other night all hopped up and did it again. And before you know it, they’re in a fucking relationship."

This is how the relationship I'm in right now started, you speak the truth. I'm a bra and not afraid to admit that shit 8 months later...

Anonymous said...

I bang on the first date and I ask for more bros

Bro Loving Betch said...

Yes! I am so fucking happy to know this. Now, as a betch who wandered over from betcheslovethis.com because some bros were trolling talking this site up, at first I wasn't too impressed, but that's because it's written in Bro which we betches think we understand but honestly can't really relate. Until this post. Hells fucking yeah I've banged on the first night! I really want to hook up with the guy again, but it was right before summer and I go to school out-of-state. I was kinda concerned that maybe I should've strung him out a little longer, that somehow(I mean you have to forgive us, this is the shit we were raised to think was true) by giving a bro just a little at a time will leave him wanting more because he'll respect you for not being in the same league as that easy betch he doesn't give a fuck about but fucks on the regular. I still don't want to be that slut but it's good to know I most likely still have his interest. Thanks bros!

The Man With Bro Name said...

^Talk less, whore.

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