Bros, I’m gonna let you in on a little secret: Girls love getting banged as much and maybe even more than we love doing the banging. So why do they act like they don’t? Fucking society. Society says if you submit to your biological urges and bang every Bro you see, you’re fucking unnatural. Now why the fuck did this happen? One word: Jealousy. All the fucking fat, ugly bitches who Bros obviously would never want to touch unless we’re AT LEAST 20 beers deep AND on a worse #78 cold streak than the Angels before that loser orphan kid started hallucinating and flapping his arms like some fucking retard decided they wouldn’t take this shit anymore. So they invented the word “Slut.”
Sure hot girls should have nothing to worry about from these girls, I mean they’re literally only a couple of boxes of Hot Pockets away from needing someone to use a fucking oar just to turn them over in bed, but these ugly bitches know something: these hot “sluts” are fucking insecure. So instead of just going out and banging whoever they want, hot girls make every possible attempt to try to “train” Bros into making a commitment, and since they have by definition a smaller brain, they delusively think they’re actually a step ahead. Little do they know, they don’t stand a fucking chance. Nobody fucking tells bros what to do. We call the fucking shots. Bros realize that every girl’s got an agenda, but we’ve got a fucking agenda, too. It’s called banging as many fucking slam pieces as fucking often as possible. So how do we break through society’s barrier to pussy entry? Easy – Bros fucking lead girls on.
Honestly, what fucking psychotic girl thinks she can actually “train” a bro to be a boyfriend or fucking husband? Bros are like Bulls – sure we can be mounted, but you’ll never fucking use us to take a trot down some fucking beach at sunset. So how do we keep the Slam Piece coming back for more even if the fucking Brocist society keeps telling them to stop? We just fucking lie to them. Since slam pieces are dumb as shit, they’ll usually believe anything you fucking say, so here’s a few great lines bros feed girls to lead them into thinking they’ve actually got a fucking shot with us.
“I Don’t Want To Get Into A Long Distance Relationship” - This is fucking clutch for all you second semester Seniors out there. Sure there’s like 3 months until graduation and getting into a relationship won’t mean you’re long distance at all, but come on – you’re a fucking second semester Senior. The only time in your life you’ll be banging more chicks is when you’re old as shit and enter a retirement home where all the old bitches bang like it’s their last day alive (which it probably is). This line works because it let’s the girl know you’re fucking serious enough about her that it COULD last until May. Meanwhile you pretty much plan on just banging her until you get bored and something slightly better comes along.
“I Don’t Want To Get Hurt Again.” – God that one’s fucking hilarious. Bros feelings might as well be fucking adamantium. Bros never get hurt - we do the fucking hurting! This shit will also make her think you’re “sensitive,” which is key because everyone fucking knows slam pieces love giving sensitive guys #145 blow jobs.
“I’m Just Way Too Busy Right Now For Anything Serious” – Fucking classic. This goes kind of hand in hand with the whole, “Yeah, I gotta get up early in the morning” line after bros bang bitches and don’t want to fucking talk to them anymore. I mean, it’s not like we’re filling our days curing cancer and shit, we honestly just want to hang out with our Bros a lot more than we want to go to the fucking Bolshoi Ballet for #151 Valentine’s Day. This shit works like a fucking charm because girls can tell their judging friends that we’ve got “so much going on at work,” which reiterates the fact that we make a shitload of money, which in turn gets girls wet.
“I Love You” – This is a fucking last ditch effort at salvaging some quality late night slam piece. Most people think this is some fucking romantic phrase, but to be honest, I’m pretty positive it was invented by a Bro trying to get some girl to keep banging him on the fucking reg. For some reason, this phrase actually means some shit to girls, so if you drop “The L-Bomb” they see it as a big step in your relationship. Now, 99 times out of a 100 you’re gonna be hammered when you say this shit, so the next morning, before she inevitably starts soberly repeating the words back, just stare at her blankly and say the phrase that has rescued bros for millions of years: “Oh man, I fucking #142 blacked the shit out of last night.” Now that dumb bitch won’t know what to think! “OH MY GOD!!! DOES THE L-BOMB TECHNICALLY COUNT?? CAN I TELL MY JUDGING GIRLFRIENDS??” While her head’s fucking spinning, you’ve just bought yourself a couple extra weeks taking the late night ride to Pound Town.
Bropression is real. From an overnight lock up in the Drunk Tank to a lifetime incarceration in Marriage, there’s a new case of Brocism born every fucking day. But we’re Bros, we won’t just roll over and take this shit. We fight back with our superior intellect. We bang slam pieces repeatedly without falling into their traps. We fucking lead girls on.
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