Bros don’t need a reason to fucking party. We throw down non-stop all year long. But shockingly, since fucking “normal” people aka losers don’t have our perfect genetic makeup, they can’t hang 365 days a year, so instead they created a few days where even they have no excuse but to celebrate. They call them “Holidays.” #99 New Years Eve, #86 Halloween, and even the made up Hallmark bullshit #151 Valentine’s Day definitely fit into this category, however the blowouts for all those holidays only last one day. There’s only special Holiday that last for an entire fucking month. It’s Christmas season, and that can mean only one thing, mother fucking Christmas Parties.
Now if you’re reading this shit and saying, “UMMM THAT’S NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT!!! IT SHOULD BE HOLIDAY PARTIES!!” Go fuck yourself. Seriously, I hope you get Dengue Fever and die. Pretending other holidays are equal to Christmas is like pretending Women are equal to Men. It’s just fucking horseshit. If Hanukah and Kwanzaa are so fucking great, then why aren’t there more holiday songs about them? Sure you’ve got “The Hanukah Song” by the guy who brought us the box office smash “Jack and Jill,” but after that what? “Dradle, Dradle, Dradle?” Do Jewish people actually play with their Dradles all day? Sounds fucking awesome, have fun with that while I’m checking out porn on my new iPad Christmas morning.
From Santa Claus to a shitload of presents to massive amounts of food, Christmas represents everything that makes America great. But sometimes, the true meaning of Christmas is forgotten: the parties. The entire month of December is a shitshow of celebration, so let’s take a look at the key destinations where Bros across the country have no problem using their Yule Log to spread holiday cheer all over some Slam Piece’s chest.
Office Party – For any bro that’s ever worked in an office, you fucking know this is the highlight of the year for all the beaten down men who fell victim to some fucking Bro Hater’s ultimatum and #178 got married. Sure a couple bottles of liquor and some karaoke machine might seem lame, but this is all they fucking have. So what do bros do at these lame ass parties? We fucking take advantage. The office Christmas party might as well be Vegas for all the girls who work there, because in their mind and pretty much everyone else’s, what happens at the office party stays at the fucking office party. Girls who act like sluts at the office Christmas party are like guys who bang fat chicks when they know no one will find out – sure you’re not gonna be happy with yourself the next morning, but when it all boils down, no one’s gonna give you any shit about it.
Family Party – Sure it might sound boring as shit to have to hang out with your whole family and a bunch of their friends for hours on a Friday night, but what better way to treat these parties than as a fucking #35 pregame. First step is to invite a shitload of your bros over, and not the nice ones that will actually talk to all the fucking adults, I’m talking the ones who get plastered and straight up #55 destroy shit. Next step is the most important, that’s right get fucking hammered. I’m talking hammered to the point your Mom might start crying because she thinks you have a drinking problem hammered. At this point it’s pretty much target practice. Obviously you’re fucking #135 rich, so your parents probably have at least one friend on his second or third marriage with some young Slam Piece with #69 fake knockers. Since she’s obviously only into him for his money, start making moves. After years of playing the role of Anna Nicole Smith to fucking Old Man Winter, you better fucking believe she’s gonna need a “CAUTION: WET FLOOR” sign underneath her once you start laying game. Challenge her to a shot contest or, better yet, ask her to join you on the dance floor. If you can get your parents’ friend’s trophy wife to #29 grind on you while “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” plays in the background, you might have it takes to be a Bro King.
Friend Party – Let’s be honest, Bros don’t give a fuck about decorations, planning shit, or pretty much anything involved in most Christmas parties, but you know who does? Girls. Therefore, 9 times out of 10, the Friend Christmas Party will be thrown by some fucking Slam Piece that two of your Bros have likely already banged. She’ll normally also spend at least 6 weeks preparing for this, so there’s clearly no better time to fuck shit up. I like to pregame for these events, you know, so I’m ready to start causing destruction immediately. I always complain about how fucking cheap she was with her alcohol brand purchase, then drink that shit fast so I can yell at her for not buying enough. If there’s mistletoe at that party, you better fucking believe I’m putting that shit on my belt and going around the party screaming at girls to “KISS MY DICK BITCH.” Smashing ornaments can also be a fun party game. Yelling out “FIRE IN THE HOLE!!” or “MAZELTOV” just before they fucking shatter lets everyone know you’re a Bro and you’re there to fucking party. Basically, if you can get the hostess of the party to #44 cry, you’ve fucking done your job as a Bro.
The Christmas season gives us time to celebrate not only all that we have, but also how fucking awesome we are. We give thanks and praise for all the #177 shots we’ve taken, the nights we’ve #142 blacked out yet somehow still found our way home and most importantly, the girls we’ve banged. But perhaps the greatest aspect of Christmas Parties is that not only do we look back on all the amazing shit we’ve done, but we fucking top that shit. Merry Fucking Christmas, Bros.
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