I can’t believe this shit is almost over. It seriously feels like football just fucking started. As amazing as the buildup and ultimate shit show that is #104 Super Bowl Sunday will be, the completion of the NFL season leads to one of the worst stretches of the year where the closest thing we have to sports “entertainment” is Kenny Smith arguing with himself about whether Ernie Johnson or Charles Barkley look better in a fucking photo-shopped sombrero and mustache. Even worse, it’s almost as if hot Slam Pieces are fucking allergic to cold, since they’re nowhere to be found. Sure, it’s true that most Slam Pieces fly South of Bros’ belts for Winter, but still, it’s not like the fucking Summertime lay-up line. So, over the next couple months, with football and slam pieces (for the most part) out of the picture, what the fuck is there to look forward to? Why the fuck should we even drag ourselves out of bed? Because Winter means one thing: mother fucking Snow Days.
Ever since we were young Bros-in-Training, snow has meant one thing: fun. While the definition of that fun might have changed over the years from playing video games all day to getting a #145 BJ while #142 blacked out from some stranger you met at the bar, the point is, we’re still living it up. Bros aren’t like the rest of Bro-Hater society who see snow as another reason to complain just so people will listen to them since they’re probably losers whose only companions, their cats, probably fucking hate them too.
I live in DC, so here, anytime there’s even a mention of snow, people act like there’s some Ebola outbreak and the only fucking antidote is a three-year supply of Milk, Bread, and toilet paper. Every grocery store the night before a “light dusting” is like fucking New Orleans during Katrina. I keep waiting for some old White lady in a wheel chair to draw a fucking glock and scream out, “WHAT?? WHAT?? YOU GONNA STEP TO THIS?? THEM’S MY MOTHERFUCKING APPLE JACKS BITCH.” Unlike the rest of society, Bros are sophisticated, so instead of panicking, we know how to have a good time on a snow day.
Take off School/Work – While #111 High School bros might be at the mercy of the some fucking School Administrator playing God deciding if they have to go to class, College and Working Bros don’t have to deal with that shit. In College, the minute it started snowing, I immediately decided it was a fucking Snow Day, no matter if School was closed or not. Sure all I had to do was roll out of bed and cross the street for class, but you just can’t be too cautious! Besides, I never fucking went to class anyways, this just gave me an excuse so I didn’t have that split second of guilt that I was flushing my parents’ money down the toilet. “BUT NYB! ONCE YOU START WORKING SNOW DAYS ARE OVER!!” Fucking please. Save your fairy tales for the window lickers on the short bus. Anytime there’s ANY sort of snow-like precipitation I immediately call my boss and tell him, “Listen, you KNOW I’d sacrifice my life for this company, but I’m just terrified at endangering the lives of others in this nasty weather.” Boom: Motherfucking Snow Day.
Get Wasted - The first snowflake for a Bro is like the dinner bell for Pavlov’s dogs – only difference is we chug our fucking meals. No matter where they are or what the fuck they’re doing, Bros drop that shit so they can go get fucking hammered. Snow days are fucking celebrations. While everyone else is preparing for Nuclear Fucking Winter at the grocery store, you can pick out the Bro by his shopping cart filled with the bare essentials aka a shitload of Natty and cups for #6 beer pong. While cold weather might be the ultimate panty-freezer, snow causes even the most hibernated slam pieces to get loose. Getting some slam piece to march miles in a fucking blizzard just ride the Midnight Train to Pound Town is about as Bro as it fucking gets.
Ruin Other People’s “Fun” – Bros fucking love getting all sauced up and straight up destroying shit. There’s truly no better time to pull this shit off than on a Snow Day. While Bros are busy getting wasted, all the other fucking losers are outside playing in the snow. Back in College at William and Mary we used to get all drunk then head down to where all the loser nerds hung out in the Sunken Gardens. While they tried to make up for the fact they were social fucking retards by acting like they were in the 2nd grade and making snowmen, we would approach them. We acted all nice, even asking what their snowman’s name was (because these fucking nerds obviously gave them names). After we had them exactly where we wanted them, we fucking destroyed that shit. And not just the snow itself - if they had carrots, we’d break them in half – if that piece of shit snowman had a fucking top hat, it’d be ripped up. We basically abided by a strict “scorched Snow policy” - no fucking snowman would ever be built on that ground again. They would cry and call us assholes, but then we’d just tell them to go fuck themselves and pelt snowballs at their heads. That’s what those bitches got for being fucking different.
Every morning/afternoon that a Bro wakes up in the bitter cold of Winter, he has one thought on his mind: I can’t fucking wait until Summer. While Spring and Summer may very well be when Bros are in full bloom, who the fuck says we can’t be Bros today? Nothing has EVER stopped Bros from being Bros, so why should we let that bitch Mother Nature do it? Fuck that. Embrace the Cold. Get Wasted. Bang Strangers. Dominate the Snow Days. Be the Bro.
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