What the fuck happened last night? The last thing you remember from the bar is getting paid 10 dollars and a Slim Jim to #97 take a dump on the Women’s bathroom floor. You vaguely remember some girl screaming at you to stop, but you just gave her the fucking finger and kept reading some ESPN article on your iPhone. Just as you’re nodding your head thinking you couldn’t possibly get any more amazing, you see it. There’s a fucking girl in your bed. Who the fuck is that? You check your phone and find you sent out a mass #122 text at 2am: “What arre yoju up to?” with only one response from a girl that apparently goes by the #28 name, “Wendy’s Slut (fat).” Oh fuck, you went Dumpster Diving. Under normal circumstances, you’d be fucking pumped at banging with some girl when you had a BAC that would legally classify you as dead in 5 states, but this girl isn’t anything to celebrate – she’s fucking busted. And not “would only do her after 5 beers busted,” I’m talking fucking Ursula from “Little Mermaid” aka the “Khloe Kardashian of the Sea” busted. She needs to fucking go.
“GOOOD MORNING!!” she screams. Oh God, she talks just like fat girls text.
“Oh hey…you, I think it’s time for you to go.”
“Well, do you want to get breakfast?”
Clearly this fucking behemoth isn’t responding to reason, so it’s time unleash the fucking hounds: “Honestly, breakfast should be the last thing on your mind. If stretch marks told your age like rings do on a tree trunk, I’d say you’re pushing 175. Besides, I need you the fuck out of here so I can go see if Petsmart sells rape kits, because I’m pretty sure I just got sexually assaulted by a fucking Hippo.”
Boom. #44 Water Works. Just like that she’s out of your life forever. How did that happen so quick? Because you’re a Bro, and you fucking love being an Asshole.
Somehow, over time, Bros and Assholes have become synonymous. For years Brocists screamed this hateful speech at us and we’ve done nothing. Until now. I propose that we as Bros fucking embrace that shit. Fact: Society can’t handle how fucking incredible we are so they just lump us in to all the fucking non-Bro “Asshole” trash, but they’ve got it all wrong. We’re not Assholes because we’re terrible people, we’re Assholes because it’s fucking awesome.
You know how girls always fucking complain about how they want to meet a nice guy instead of the typical Asshole? Well you know why that shit happens? Because girls fucking love Assholes. Everyone fucking knows Bros don’t take girls out on dates, or show up to their door with flowers or god forbid “spend time” with them when we‘re sober. We bang those bitches then never fucking talk to them again. But somehow, even though we aren’t the sweet guy of their dreams, they still fucking text us at like 3 am looking for another late night ride to Pound Town.
While it’s easy to be Assholes to girls, it’s even more rewarding to be one in your everyday life. The most important component to being an Asshole is letting everyone and their fucking mother know that you’re better than them in every fucking way, which shouldn’t be hard, because, come on, we’re Bros, by definition the greatest people on the fucking planet. There’s no better rush than letting staff at hotels and restaurants know the clothes on your back are more important than their lives. If some fucking immigrant is legitimately questioning if his life is worth more than a Northface jacket, then you my friend have done your job as a Bro.
Everyone faces adversity. It’s how we handle this adversity that will forever determine who we are. I stand here before you Bros and suggest we refuse to take these Brocist slurs lying down. Instead, much like the most respected members of the Black community (rappers) embraced racist slurs and transformed them into Source Award winning lyrics, we too should adopt the hateful Brocist term “Asshole.” So, fuck all you Brocists calling us Assholes – that’s our word.
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