Nobody fucks with Bros. I mean, sure they fucking try, but it’s pretty much just a death wish. If any Bro-Hater ever fucks with me or my Bros, you better believe there’s gonna be a fucking war. Now, even though we’ve seen every episode of #73 The Wire, that doesn’t mean wars entail “tooling up” or fucking beating the shit out of some Hoppers on the corner with baseball bats. Fuck that – we’re not trying to “catch a body like that” as hardcore gangster rapper/Degrassi High alumnus Drake once said. Instead, we hit those motherfuckers where it hurts. We prank the shit out of them.
If you just said to yourself, “Oh, pranks! Just like Punk’d!” Go fuck yourself. No seriously, go have sex with yourself right now, because that’s honestly the best you’re ever going to fucking do, so you might as well settle right now rather than get your heart broken by Swamp Thing-like creatures for the rest of your life. Anyone that thinks Ashton Kutchar and Punk’d is what being a Bro is all about needs to take a long look in the mirror. What was the last thing Kutchar did that made him a fucking bro? Knowing what Bruce Willis’s dick tastes like? Stabbing one of the greatest #150 Bro Kings of our time in the fucking back and taking his job? Fucking take your trucker hats to your next fucking Rom-Com set and leave the pranking to the professionals. Anyways, here’s a couple characteristics of any solid Bro Prank:
Destructive: When Bros play pranks, shit gets fucking destroyed. We don’t play “fun pranks” where we convince the Prankee that today’s Tuesday instead of Wednesday or hide their pens or some shit. We make them wish they’d never been born. I always love the look on some little bitch’s face when he finds out that I #33 burned all his shit as a prank. Sure, in some parts of country it could technically be considered arson, but not if it’s a prank! I mean, come on, it’s not like I’m burning crosses in his yard for representing Carl Lee Hailey. Besides, my Dad’s a lawyer so I’ve got fucking immunity.
Always Get the Upper Hand: While bros are typically the instigator in pranks, every once in a while people get all delusional and shit and think they can actually beat Bros at the art of Pranking. It never turns out well. You see, no matter what CRAZY prank those bitches pull, you better fucking believe Bros are coming back harder and stronger.
Back in College some girls thought they could fucking beat us. They thought wrong. First they put a flaming bag of dog shit on our front porch, so we took the next logical step and spray painted “FUCK YOU WHORES” on their front door for the entire neighborhood to see. For some reason this didn’t stop them. Instead they decided to drive around for like 2 fucking hours to find some dead Opossum on the side of the road and put it on our Grill. This is where we drew the line and took shit to the next level. We broke into their house, smashed their fucking bunk beds, spray painted “SWEET DREAMS SLUTS” on their mattresses, unloaded an entire stolen Fire Extinguisher in their living room, and just so they knew who did it, we spread that fucking Opossum’s guts all over their flat screen TV. Needless to say, they surrendered and we fucking won. Bros always fucking win.
Bros are like America. You fuck with any of our shit, you better believe your entire life is going to get fucked up. Bros refuse to just roll over and take your shit, so I’d fucking advise you not to even think about bringing it. But, if for some fucking reason you decide to prank a bro, just remember one thing: You come at the Bro King, you best not miss
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