Why the fuck weren’t you invited to this party? Sure, the last time you were here one of your bros got fucking wasted and took a dump in their shower, but it’s not like they could prove it was you. Fucking Brocists. You can see some of the members of the house giving you the eye, but you’re fucking bigger than them. Plus they’re fucking pussies, so they’re not gonna start shit. As you and your bros start laughing about how some fucking loser had to clean up your bro’s shit last time, you feel a tug at your sleeve. You dart your neck around expecting to see some hot slut chomping at the bit to give you a #145 BJ outside next to the trash cans, but there’s no one to be seen.
“AHEM,” calls the voice from directly below you. She’s like 4’11’’ and shaped like the fucking Pillsbury Dough Boy.
“What the fuck do you want?” you inquire.
“YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS NEED TO LEAVE, YOU ARE NOT WELCOME.”
She fucked with the wrong bull.
“HOLY SHIT,” you cry out, “THIS FUCKING BEAN BAG CHAIR CAN TALK!!”
As you and your friends take turns pretending to sit on her and asking questions like, “Do you use duct tape when you get cuts?” and “So do you just shit out regular sized bean bags?” she tries to play it off like it’s no big deal.
“I don’t even get it – are you making fun of my outfit?? It’s not working so maybe you should just leave!!”
Time to shift to overdrive.
“So, I’ve just got to ask – what’s it like being a “before” model for weight loss companies??“
Just like that, that Rolly Polly bitch is gone and you’re ready to fucking party – all thanks to the fact that you’re a Bro and you love calling girls fat.
Sure, it’s a fucking cliché to just call girls fat, but clichés are popular because they’re fucking effective. #133 Feminists constantly claim that the media is always promoting this “unattainable body image” to girls, which is unhealthy, and shit, but fucking come on. If perfect bodies are so unattainable, how the fuck do so many #95 models attain them? Any girl who has shit against a healthy, gorgeous look, like Angelina Jolie at the Oscars for example, is just jealous and probably fucking fat as shit.
Bros are humanitarians – we’re always working for a better World, so when we call girls fat, we’re not only helping them, but EVERYONE that has to look at them. It’s really a win-win. You see, by making fun of girls who are fat, we give them what Bro-Hater society spins as a “Self Esteem Problem,” but truthfullly, it’s just “Extra Motivation.” I mean, honestly, if some fucking fatty went parading around the beach in some thong #128 bikini, the ocean would LITERALLY be poisoned by everyone’s vomit. Think of all the fucking creatures in the sea that would die! PETA supporters just can’t fucking have it both ways.
There’s way too many so-called “nice” people out there who would rather “spare feelings” than actually help others. So instead, they let these escaped “Shamu and Friends” performers go out in skintight outfits with fat rolls bubbled up like the fucking Michelin Man. This shit needs to end, and thank God Bros are there to lend a helping hand. By pointing out to these delusional souls that their appearance would require an entire prescription of Levitra just to bang them, they turn their lives around. They hit the gym hard, eat little to nothing, and overall they just GET BETTER!
Sometimes, we get a pretty bad rap. People call us #191 assholes, douche bags, even the “worst people in the World.” But you know who else got called all those names (probably) – Dr. Martin Luther King. And I REFUSE to stand here while you desecrate such an incredible man. Yes, I too have a dream that one day girls will not judged by their rolls of fat, but by how nice their ass looks in their size 1 jeans. I have a dream that one day Bros will be able to get wasted and not have to worry if the girl they’re about to bang is hiding a FUPA. I have a dream that one day Bros will be able to rise together and shout, “Free at last, Free at last, Thank God Almighty, Bros are free at last!”
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