Bros aren’t fucking #100 Guidos. We don’t spend our entire lives taking steroids and working out so we can go to the fucking #45 club in some Affliction T-Shirt that might as well read “I will rape you while you’re sleeping.” We’re better than that. We’re finely tuned genetic masterpieces. Bros don’t live what doctors might consider a “healthy” lifestyle, but we don’t give a fuck. Our genetic makeup is too fucking perfect to absorb any fat, but even Batman needs to hit the gym every once in awhile. While the primary reason that Bros visit the gym is to maintain perfection, everyone fucking knows the real reason we’re there: checking out all the Slam Pieces.
When Bros go to the gym, 10% of their time we might actually be lifting weights or running on the treadmill. The rest of the time is spent either talking to their Bros about how fucking hard it is to lift since they’re so #161 hungover and deciding which one of the Gym Sluts they want to fucking nail. The Gym is a fucking hot spot for girls as it allows them to burn off all the calories they ate when they were #142 blacked out, and more importantly, put up a Facebook Status that they’re “At The Gym!!!” or to inform everyone of the “COUNTDOWN TO SPRING BREAK!!! GYMMMM ALLL DAYYYY!!” Someday, there’ll be a Gym like in that “Call On Me” music video, where only hot girls are allowed to join. Until then, we’re stuck with three types of girls pounding the ‘mill - what do you say we take a look at them?
The “King Hippo” – Honestly, I almost feel bad for the fucking Whale at the gym, because yeah, she’s fucking fat as shit, but at least she’s trying to get to a point where a guy could actually get a boner when he sees her naked. As much as I want to slowly and seductively eat a tub of Ben and Jerry’s in front of her, I usually just let her do her thing by pretending I don’t notice she’s there like she’s some homeless guy begging for change at a stoplight. The King Hippo is also a nice reminder to the hotter girls that if they stop working out, they could be the ones with fat busting out of their fucking foreheads.
The “Don’t Call it a Comeback” – Sometimes, hot girls get a little lazy. They get all fucking full of themselves, have a few too many late night Chanello’s pizzas and before they know it, the only guys giving them the time of day are fucking hammered at 2am trying to sift through the last ditch effort scraps. Needless to say, their once strong confidence is shaken. Bros never have to fucking lay groundwork, but this is one of the rare circumstances where it’s worth that 3 minute investment to let them know you notice them. Obviously, you’re not going to try to make a move until they’re back in shape – that’s just disgusting. But by planting the seed during this horrifically tragic period of their life where they’re slightly overweight, not only will you get to bang her when she’s hot again, but you’ll give her some extra motivation to get back to that level of attractiveness everyone wants her to be at. It’s a Win-Win!
The “Knockout” – Every gym has that one Perfect 10. No matter where you, when she walks in every guy immediately starts nodding their head to one another as if to say, “She’s fucking here.” Most people would tend to think this girl’s off limits or out of their league. Most people are not Bros. You see, ever since the cream of the crop hot girls grew boobs, they’ve been told they’re prettier than fucking Cinderella. They depend on that shit and feed off it – it’s the only thing that keeps their egos alive. While most might suggest just a subtle negative comment might throw her off her game, Bros don’t do anything subtly. By pointing out any flaw that the fucking Elliptical Princess has, you ensure that you’ll stand out in her mind as an asshole, and you know what happens to assholes? They get fucked. I like to really pour that shit on heavy, like say she’s getting some water after running and she’s a little sweaty. I’ll comment on her Body Odor (even if she doesn’t have any) by holding my nose and shouting “PEEEE-YOUUU ANYONE EVER HEARD OF DEODERANT??” Or if you want to go with a surefire classic, just make Pig noises next to her as she runs. Get creative with it! Pretend you work at the Gym and tell her the treadmill has a weight limit! Calling a hot girl fat is the easiest way to punch that one-way ticket to Pound Town.
While Bros’ lives don’t revolve around the Gym and Tanning Salon like the fucking Mouth Breathers on Jersey Shore, we recognize its importance. In this life, you only get one shot at being a fucking Bro, so why would you ever take a break? When Bros enter the Gym, we don’t just see weights and treadmills – we see a fucking opportunity.
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