Bros wipe their asses with $100 bills. I always hate hearing the fucking sob stories about kids needing to “work their way through college” since their parents can’t afford tuition. Hmm, well here’s an interesting idea, if you can’t afford to send your kids to College, then, I don’t know MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE HAD FUCKING KIDS. Seriously, quit your fucking whining, everyone knows school is expensive and shit. I mean, do you even realize how much I spent at the bars in College?? FUCKING THOUSANDS! But did you ever hear me bitching about it?? Fuck no. Sure, most of the reason I didn’t complain was that I’m better than the fucking poor kids, but it was also because my parents are rich as shit, so I knew I never had to worry about taking some low paying fucking job to “make ends meet” or “buy books.” While every Bro’s family is loaded, we don’t just fucking sit on our wealth like that Jew Scrooge McDuck. We’re fucking out there buying shit so everyone fucking knows we’re better than they are. expensive cars and Beach Houses are staples in any Bro Family’s life, but nothing epitomizes what a Bro is all about quite like owning a fucking Boat.
Scholars and Theologians have argued for years, “What is the most Bro Boat?” but let’s put that debate to rest. To be honest, I don’t give a shit what kind of boat you have, just as long as you fucking have one. And don’t try to tell me your family has a canoe or some shit - that doesn’t fucking count. Sure sailboats are cool, but I know WAY too many tool losers who beat off to wind forecasts to crown that shit the ultimate Bro Boat. Besides, when Bros are getting wasted the last thing we want to do is have to actually do shit, so a Power Boat is definitely a solid choice.
The best part about owning a boat is talking about the fact that you own a boat. Pretty much anytime anyone brings up any type of water, I start telling stories about how fucking awesome I am at driving my family’s boat. And anytime there’s someone else in the conversation that has a boat, you better fucking believe I’m asking them all about their engine and shit until I get them to admit that my boat is fucking better. This proves to Slam Pieces that not only is my boat superior, but so is my fucking dick.
You know who loves boats more than Bros? That’s right, fucking Slam Pieces. Boats prove that a Bro is rich as shit, and money melts panties faster than “Fifty Shades of Grey.” It’s a scientific fact that girls hate to work, therefore it’s their dream to marry some rich guy so they never have to. In fact, the only reason they invented the whole “Women’s Lib” thing was so all the fucking Ug-mos could support themselves since no rich guy would ever fucking marry them, unless of course he’s blind and doesn’t have hands to feel their faces. Obviously, Bros aren’t looking to #178 marry these Slam Pieces - just bang them and #49 never call them again - but hey a girl can dream!
As #168 Memorial Day creeps around the corner, Bros across America will be dusting off their boats and hitting the open waters. While some of the vessels will be setting out on fishing trips, you better believe Bros already hauled in their catch of the day. The minute a Slam Piece hears about your Boat, she’ll be hooked, and who could really blame her? After all, you’re a Bro, and you own a fucking Boat.
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