Thursday, May 3, 2012

#203 Girls at the Gym

Bros aren’t fucking #100 Guidos. We don’t spend our entire lives taking steroids and working out so we can go to the fucking #45 club in some Affliction T-Shirt that might as well read “I will rape you while you’re sleeping.” We’re better than that. We’re finely tuned genetic masterpieces. Bros don’t live what doctors might consider a “healthy” lifestyle, but we don’t give a fuck. Our genetic makeup is too fucking perfect to absorb any fat, but even Batman needs to hit the gym every once in awhile. While the primary reason that Bros visit the gym is to maintain perfection, everyone fucking knows the real reason we’re there: checking out all the Slam Pieces.

When Bros go to the gym, 10% of their time we might actually be lifting weights or running on the treadmill. The rest of the time is spent either talking to their Bros about how fucking hard it is to lift since they’re so #161 hungover and deciding which one of the Gym Sluts they want to fucking nail. The Gym is a fucking hot spot for girls as it allows them to burn off all the calories they ate when they were #142 blacked out, and more importantly, put up a Facebook Status that they’re “At The Gym!!!” or to inform everyone of the “COUNTDOWN TO SPRING BREAK!!! GYMMMM ALLL DAYYYY!!” Someday, there’ll be a Gym like in that “Call On Me” music video, where only hot girls are allowed to join. Until then, we’re stuck with three types of girls pounding the ‘mill - what do you say we take a look at them?

The “King Hippo” – Honestly, I almost feel bad for the fucking Whale at the gym, because yeah, she’s fucking fat as shit, but at least she’s trying to get to a point where a guy could actually get a boner when he sees her naked. As much as I want to slowly and seductively eat a tub of Ben and Jerry’s in front of her, I usually just let her do her thing by pretending I don’t notice she’s there like she’s some homeless guy begging for change at a stoplight. The King Hippo is also a nice reminder to the hotter girls that if they stop working out, they could be the ones with fat busting out of their fucking foreheads.

The “Don’t Call it a Comeback” – Sometimes, hot girls get a little lazy. They get all fucking full of themselves, have a few too many late night Chanello’s pizzas and before they know it, the only guys giving them the time of day are fucking hammered at 2am trying to sift through the last ditch effort scraps. Needless to say, their once strong confidence is shaken. Bros never have to fucking lay groundwork, but this is one of the rare circumstances where it’s worth that 3 minute investment to let them know you notice them. Obviously, you’re not going to try to make a move until they’re back in shape – that’s just disgusting. But by planting the seed during this horrifically tragic period of their life where they’re slightly overweight, not only will you get to bang her when she’s hot again, but you’ll give her some extra motivation to get back to that level of attractiveness everyone wants her to be at. It’s a Win-Win!

The “Knockout” – Every gym has that one Perfect 10. No matter where you, when she walks in every guy immediately starts nodding their head to one another as if to say, “She’s fucking here.” Most people would tend to think this girl’s off limits or out of their league. Most people are not Bros. You see, ever since the cream of the crop hot girls grew boobs, they’ve been told they’re prettier than fucking Cinderella. They depend on that shit and feed off it – it’s the only thing that keeps their egos alive. While most might suggest just a subtle negative comment might throw her off her game, Bros don’t do anything subtly. By pointing out any flaw that the fucking Elliptical Princess has, you ensure that you’ll stand out in her mind as an asshole, and you know what happens to assholes? They get fucked. I like to really pour that shit on heavy, like say she’s getting some water after running and she’s a little sweaty. I’ll comment on her Body Odor (even if she doesn’t have any) by holding my nose and shouting “PEEEE-YOUUU ANYONE EVER HEARD OF DEODERANT??” Or if you want to go with a surefire classic, just make Pig noises next to her as she runs. Get creative with it! Pretend you work at the Gym and tell her the treadmill has a weight limit! Calling a hot girl fat is the easiest way to punch that one-way ticket to Pound Town.

While Bros’ lives don’t revolve around the Gym and Tanning Salon like the fucking Mouth Breathers on Jersey Shore, we recognize its importance. In this life, you only get one shot at being a fucking Bro, so why would you ever take a break? When Bros enter the Gym, we don’t just see weights and treadmills – we see a fucking opportunity.

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Slo-mo-Bro-Pro said...

Great entry - spot on again, NYB. The only question that I have is that you say that "in this life, you only get one shot at being a fucking Bro", and I have to disagree with you there. Every fucking day you wake up hungover with morning wood next to a slam piece and make a conscious decision to be a bro. Even for bros-in-training who haven't made it yet, every day is another shot to make it to the dream level of Bro King.

Anonymous said...

"Seductively eat ice cream in front of her" genius.

Anonymous said...

NYBD- You are an inspiration to us all. Bro-on.

Anonymous said...

insulting a girl to get her to sleep with u? naw, if a guy called me any bad names, i wouldnt give him the time of day. and yea im in the last category u mentioned. ok how does...
"ur fat"
"omg ur an asshole"
turn into the girl sleeping with you?

Anonymous said...


What I like is when I'm lifting and I look over towards the treadmills for a minute to look at ESPN on the mounted tv's and a girl immediately looks away because she was checking you out.

The Man With Bro Name said...

^^ Anonymous bra,

Insulting a girl to get her to sleep with us works because:

a) We're bros and our sheer dominant presence and general alpha-ness makes slams wetter than a fucking rainforest regardless of anything we say.

b) Insulting you lowers your self-esteem and makes you want to work harder to win our Bro-approval.

c) Every beta pussy is throwing you compliments all day every day. Insulting you is one of many things that separate us from them.

d) The hook-up game is a Bro's market. We have the dick all bitches want so we can act however we like.

Anonymous said...

whoever wrote this has never had sex with a girl in his life. NO GIRL will EVER fuck you if you call her fat. ever. it won't lower her self esteem unless she is already fat. if she's hot she'll laugh and write you off as an idiotic douchebag asshole and will then tell all of her friends that you have a small penis. please. pretend like you have some game.

Anonymous said...

^^ man with bro name

nope. theres a big difference between a "beta pussy" complimenting you and a hot bro. if its a not hot guy, then yea its flattering but obviously youre not attracted to them so who cares. but if its a hot bro? thats a diff story. then yea some sluts will fuck u, just dont be desperate about it. i mean i agree with that other anonymous bra. you wont get laid calling girls fat. thats the dumbest thing ive ever heard. we know were not fat, so it doesnt lower self-esteem. it just comes off as super insecure that u feel like u have to do that and a huge turnoff.

Anonymous said...

^ it may not be the best way to get her attention but it works, once you're on her radar as an asshole it sets up the apology therefore threshold to fraty bro asshole to sexy broly man I want to sleep with. Logical. Great post

Anonymous said...

They would definitely be on my radar if a Bro insulted me. However, using "fat" or anything of that nature may just turn off us girls completely and is going one step too far. Probably best to keep the insults mild.

Anonymous said...

Bros cannot turn girls off, we're the reason their turned on. Simple physics bra..

Anonymous said...

And we got the pussy so.. you can't really act however you want. Us "bras" change our minds like we change our clothes babe. Insulting never works. We know this trick, when u suck at it. You need to simply, how do I say this.. imply she's not perfect. That will make the girl think. Being funny always works (pretending you work at the gym and saying the treadmill has a weight limit with a cute smile on your face might work) but the whole pig noises and lack of deodorant comment, well you'll just look like an idiot.

Anonymous said...

LOL obviously no one can tell he is being extreme... he knows calling you fat and making pig noises is too much. hes just trying to emphasize that he must lower your self-esteem slightly in order for you to acknowledge him and further try to change that perception. A bro is like a jedi... when the opportunity comes, a bro always steps up to the plate and makes you so wet your ass is gonna struggle not to slip off the treadmill. 'nuff said.

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