If there is one thing that bros love to do as much as getting fucked up, its stealing shit. Now in today’s economic times, we have seen many people resort to stealing to provide for their family. This is not the reason bros steal. Bros steal because it is fucking awesome. If you know the rush of stealing hard-boiled eggs, mayonnaise, and coffee filters from Wawa at 2am, then it’s a pretty good chance that you are a bro. Here are some other things bros are known to steal:
Food – who doesn’t love the thrill of dining and dashing. What makes it great is that bros can fully afford to pay the 7 bucks for their late night bowl of chili, but why waste your money when you can just take off running? Honestly, who is going to stop you? That 5 foot 100 pound Asian hostess? Hell no! Not paying for a meal is the shit and makes you feel like a man. Anyone who says otherwise is a bro-hater.
Alcohol – combining stealing and drinking is the ultimate double team. It is a proven fact that stolen beer tastes much better than beer you had to pay for. Perhaps the biggest bro-move is stealing beer from a rival party and bringing it to your place. Much like stealing from a Vegas casino, it is incredibly hard to pull off. I was once part of a bro-heist where we got a full keg out the door of our neighbor’s place and halfway to our house before we got caught. Needless to say the bros who caught us were not happy. After trying to blame it on how fucked up we were, we finally dropped enough names of mutual bros and got away without a fight. In a related story, a fellow bro told me last night his greatest stealing venture came at frat house he was not a part of during a college road trip. He was successfully able to steal a tap from the keg during the party, which is a pretty ill move and which could also be construed as the biggest dick move of all time. That is of course until you hear that this individual also used to go to the Library during exam times and when the studiers aka bro-haters went to the bathroom, he would take their text books and sell them to the bookstore. Gotta be a pretty good feeling to come back from the bathroom trying to cram for your exam only to find out your books have been stolen.
Signs – Signs are, without a doubt, a bro's favorite thing to steal. Signs are the shit, especially signs that make some sort of unintentional reference to sex, alcohol, or drugs. For example, if you run a business and have sign advertising a sale for $69.99, you might as well just have the sign say “Please steal me” because that shit is getting taken. And god help you if you are running for office and your last name is something like Boozer or Smoker because there is no chance a bro doesn’t steal your campaign banners to hang in their living room. And one more word of advice – unless you plan on finishing every set of directions to people coming over to your house with “And theres no street sign, but it will be your second left” don’t move onto High Street.