#19 Kegs

Previously referenced in #7 Stories about College Parties, Kegs are a bro staple. Three kegs is pretty much the standard for any party. Bros will however just get one keg to chill on, but this is primarily for a pregame rather than an actual party.

Bros love talking about where they get their kegs. Extra bro-cred is given to whoever knows the place that sells kegs the cheapest, no matter how far away that place might be. In college, we used to drive 45 minutes away to pick up kegs of Natty that were $5 cheaper than the kegs at Food Lion just down the street, but it was totally worth it because we got to tell everyone about the place that sold $40 kegs and how great a deal it was.

Possibly the most valued item among a bro’s possessions is his keg tap. Every bro has a story about how he acquired the tap itself. Often times it will be passed down from his big brother in his fraternity, or more likely the bro stole it. This is a point of pride for any bro because the keg tap steal is one of the most difficult and biggest dick moves out there. If you are able to steal a tap from a keg in the middle of a party, you might have what it takes to be a bro-king. Everyone knows of bros who have attempted this, but I know of only one person who has ever been successful. He’s a really good stealer though, so it should be expected. This is the same guy who used to go to the library during exam time and when people would go to the bathroom or take a break from cramming, he would take their textbooks and sell them back to the bookstore. Such a bro.

Once you have your cheap keg and tap and the party is rolling, bros assume their favorite position: right next to the keg. Bros love hanging by the keg the entire night just chilling. This gives bros the chance to never have to wait to fill up their cup and maximize on brew. This also allows bros to let everyone know that they tapped the keg and that is why it’s pulling so well and there is such little head. Bros are experts at exactly how many pumps the keg needs and how the SOLO cup should be tilted during the pour. Bros can also tell how much beer is left in the keg by simply lifting the keg up and they do this pretty much every 15 minutes, usually making a point to show how heavy it is and making the announcement to the party that “We’re still in great shape” and that “Everyone should stop being pussies and start pounding their drinks.”

#6 Beer Pong

If there's one thing bros like more than getting fucked up - it's getting fucked up while competing against fellow bros.

Drinking games are fucking ill. They promote less talking and more drinking which after all is the point of getting fucked up. Perhaps the greatest drinking game for bros is beer pong. This is the ulitmate game for a bro to show how much of a bro he really is. Nothing gets the competitive juices flowing like Natural Light, ping pong balls, reused SOLO cups, and two cups of warm water.

You see, amongst bros, you will command the most amount of respect from your fellow bros if you can dominate the table. For example, when someone asks you what you did on Saturday night, and you can honestly say, "Yo, me and DJ held the pong table down the whole fucking night, bro" you might have what it takes to be a bro-king. Holding down the beer pong table also gives you the right to call everyone that loses to you that night your bitch, because quite frankly, they are. If you are good at beer pong, you are famous among your fellow bros. They will all want you to be their partner, they will even brag to rival-bros about you, "Yo - my boy Tim is a beast at pong, we will take any of you fuckers on."

You can always spot a beer pong brofessional by the way he plays the game. You might be able to recognize him by some of his habits:

• always demanding to shoot from the right or left side
• having nicknames for racks of cups that you have never heard of (one guy asked me one time to put the rack in a 'Lame Grandma' a rack I have always foolishly called a "Triangle")
• knowing exactly how much beer belongs in the cups and always knowing when to call out "is there beer in that cup"
• knowing the precise time to try the dangerous, yet highly rewarding "bounce shot"
• And lets not forget the cluth factor - if you can hit 6+ straight shots ON rebuttals to go to overtime - not only are you famous for the night, but you are a legend. The best stories ever start out with, "Dude, Bobby hadn't hit a fucking cup all night..."

Maybe the best thing about beer pong is the health precautions taken. Now back in the days when my bros and I were college freshmen, money was tight. So, instead of constantly purchasing new expensive SOLO cups, we would just stack up the cups after a night of games not worrying about cleaning out the cups because, hello, alcohol is a disinfectant, and throw them in the fraternity basement cabinets. Then, we would come back with our fresh cases of Beast the next night, rinse out the cups and have at it. Times have changed. Now, we bros have jobs and can afford to shell out that extra $1.99 for new SOLO cups. What hasn't changed is our ever present health consiousness.

A staple in the game of beer pong has and always will be, the water cup. When throwing the balls in competition, there is always the chance that the ping pong ball will somehow find its way onto the floor. Now, chances are, your beer pong room does not have a floor which you can eat off of. So, what are you going to do when you get a pile of dust/ashes/band aid/pubes on the ball? Boom - you hit that shit up in the water cup. Cleans all. How, you might ask? Umm, did I mention that it was warm? Nuff said. Plus, if that's not enough for you, there are times during the game where someone will even call for NEW water cups. Some say its overkill, but not me. Health is always most important.

#5 Nipples

Now I know what all you bras out there reading this are thinking “These bros sound incredible, how do I get them to like me?” Well you are in luck. I am about to take you inside a bro’s mind to let you know exactly what he finds sexy and utterly irresistible. That’s right, I’m talking about nipples. Nipples are by far the sexiest thing in the mind of a bro. It really doesn’t get hotter than seeing those nips. “How can they be sexy when everyone has them?” What is this the fucking Spanish Inquisition? Lay off and take a look at the evidence:

• Immediately makes things pornographic – Has anyone ever sat down to compare Maxim to Playboy? They are pretty much the same magazine, and one might even make the case that the articles in Maxim are more objectionable. However, Playboy has one thing Maxim doesn’t have: Nipples, and that makes Playboy sheer and utter pornography and everyone knows, bros love porno. Showing nipples in a movie also raises the rating. Usually nipples mean an R rating, however every now and then a PG-13 movie comes along with nipple shots. Every bro knows the PG-13 movies that have nipples in them, because they rented them like 10 times growing up (Titanic, European Vacation, and National Geographic: The Ashanti Tribe of Africa all quickly come to mind.) Bottom Line: I don’t think bros would have cared as much about Rose being so selfish and not letting Jack use the floating wood had there not been nipples in that movie.
  
  
• Girls Gone Wild – If you have ever watched these movies (if you haven’t you are not a bro), you will see that there is a central theme to every scene. Guys want to see some nipples. Sure the girls are already hanging out of their bathing suits, but that string bikini leaves way too much to the imagination. These bros’ minds are wandering just trying to envision what the girl’s nipple might look like – “Is it small? Could it be huge? Could there be some sort of Nipple ring involved?” All valid questions, but then something magical happens – the young lady in question finally liberates her nipples letting the world know exactly what she is dealing with. The flash is always a great moment in bro history. If you have ever been around a group of bros when this happens you would understand. The Flash is basically the bro-Santa Claus however instead of presents, half-chub boners are delivered.
  
  
• Forbidden Fruit –Sure bros have their own nipples but it’s the pure fact that girls do everything in their power to cover up theirs that makes bros want to see them so much. Honestly, if girls wore earmuffs all the time and nothing else bros would still be trying to sneak a peak of their eardrum. Bros would talk about how sweet it was when they got to “suck on some canal” and to be honest, I really don’t even want to think about how “lobe-fucking” would work…

#4 Chanting

Bros participate in all kinds of activities at the bar, most of which deal with getting drunk or trying to get laid. However, people often forget what really gets bros excited – chanting shit. You’ve all been in the bar when out of nowhere a group of bros starts chanting at the top of their lungs “U-S-A! U-S-A!” Honestly, whenever this happens it’s so touching that I nearly weep, but then I remember I’m not a homo so I try to pick a fight instead. Why do bros chant, you ask? Well I would like to ask you why you are a bro-hater, but first I’ll tell you.

• Bonding – Nothing says bromance like a group of bros getting together and chanting something that they all believe in. Girls hug each other to show their affection while bros stare each other in the eye and scream “EAGLES SUCK” repeatedly. Sometimes bros will make an impromptu mosh pit and start beating the shit out of each other while chanting. This is by far the best way for bros to bond, especially if one of the bros gets hurt. Getting hurt is the shit. If you get up from the ground with a bloody lip and possibly a missing tooth and continue with the chant, you hands down deserve to hang out with Brody Jenner.
  
  
• Showing Where You Stand– Even though you have your flat-brimmed Black Red Sox hat and your authentic #58 Papelbon jersey on, you still want people to know where you stand. I mean come on, you’ve been a Sox fan since before they won the World Series, all the way back in 2003. That’s like 6 fucking years man. If there’s one thing you’ve learned in that time, its this: You hate the fucking Yankees. Why should this be bottled up inside you when you hate everything they stand for. Everyone needs to know about this. There’s no better way to show this hatred than chanting. “A-Rod Sucks” is a solid choice to get your motor running, but then what happens when he’s done sucking? Boom – hit them with a “Jeter Swallows!” This really works for pretty much every member of the team, and don’t forget “Yankees Suck” or “Fuck the Yankees” as they are always clutch.
  
  
• Attention – If there is one thing bros fucking love, its attention. What better way to get this than by chanting shit? Not only are you loud, but everyone looks at you at first trying to figure out what you are chanting, but then, once they figure out how awesome your chant is, they start chanting along with you! By the time you realize it, the entire bar is chanting. After the chant has died down, whoever started the chant better believe they are going to get mad props. Everyone immediately sees how awesome you are and gives you fist pounds and high fives. Guys buy you drinks and the band gives you a shout out. And most importantly 9 times out of 10, you will get laid because of your chant and that is a fact.

#3 Calling Girls Sluts

Bros dig power, and to be honest there is nothing more empowering than calling girls sluts. Honestly, does it get any better than cruising the streets with your bros and constantly saying, “Oh, look at these fucking sluts!” every time you pass by a group of girls. Answer: No, it doesn’t. Bros love to change the pronunciation of sluts just to mix things up. Slutties, Sloots, and Slutbags are variations of the word, but they all mean the same thing: that the girl is a ho-bag.

While its fun to call girls sluts behind their back, its even more rewarding to call it to their face. The best part of calling girls sluts is that most of the time they aren’t sluts at all, but it still makes them feel like they are, which is awesome. Anytime you can make a girl feel self-conscience about herself, you have done your job as a bro.

Let’s take a look at the appropriate times to call a girl a slut:

When she’s showing off skin – Honestly, she’s just asking to be called a slut at this point. This is a no-brainer. If you and your boys don’t call her a slut, you lose serious bro-points. I mean this is a fucking lay-up line insult that will definitely get you some fist pounds so why would you pass it up?

When she insults you in any way – Its so fucking sweet being a bro. No matter what a girl says you always have a trump card. Say for example, some girl is making fun of you because you live in your parent’s basement. That’s when you remind her what she is.

When she rejects your advances – So, you’re at a bar with all your bros (obvs) and some girl that’s hot as shit tries to get a beer right next to you. You obviously hit on her because she’s basically asking for it. However, this girl doesn’t appear interested. What do you do? In order to not lose any bro-cred it’s best to just rip into her calling her a slut. Other possibilities are that she’s a “whore”, “lesbian”, or “dyke-bitch.”

#2 Stealing Shit

If there is one thing that bros love to do as much as getting fucked up, its stealing shit. Now in today’s economic times, we have seen many people resort to stealing to provide for their family. This is not the reason bros steal. Bros steal because it is fucking awesome. If you know the rush of stealing hard-boiled eggs, mayonnaise, and coffee filters from Wawa at 2am, then it’s a pretty good chance that you are a bro. Here are some other things bros are known to steal:

Food – who doesn’t love the thrill of dining and dashing. What makes it great is that bros can fully afford to pay the 7 bucks for their late night bowl of chili, but why waste your money when you can just take off running? Honestly, who is going to stop you? That 5 foot 100 pound Asian hostess? Hell no! Not paying for a meal is the shit and makes you feel like a man. Anyone who says otherwise is a bro-hater.

Alcohol – combining stealing and drinking is the ultimate double team. It is a proven fact that stolen beer tastes much better than beer you had to pay for. Perhaps the biggest bro-move is stealing beer from a rival party and bringing it to your place. Much like stealing from a Vegas casino, it is incredibly hard to pull off. I was once part of a bro-heist where we got a full keg out the door of our neighbor’s place and halfway to our house before we got caught. Needless to say the bros who caught us were not happy. After trying to blame it on how fucked up we were, we finally dropped enough names of mutual bros and got away without a fight. In a related story, a fellow bro told me last night his greatest stealing venture came at frat house he was not a part of during a college road trip. He was successfully able to steal a tap from the keg during the party, which is a pretty ill move and which could also be construed as the biggest dick move of all time. That is of course until you hear that this individual also used to go to the Library during exam times and when the studiers aka bro-haters went to the bathroom, he would take their text books and sell them to the bookstore. Gotta be a pretty good feeling to come back from the bathroom trying to cram for your exam only to find out your books have been stolen.

Signs – Signs are, without a doubt, a bro's favorite thing to steal. Signs are the shit, especially signs that make some sort of unintentional reference to sex, alcohol, or drugs. For example, if you run a business and have sign advertising a sale for $69.99, you might as well just have the sign say “Please steal me” because that shit is getting taken. And god help you if you are running for office and your last name is something like Boozer or Smoker because there is no chance a bro doesn’t steal your campaign banners to hang in their living room. And one more word of advice – unless you plan on finishing every set of directions to people coming over to your house with “And theres no street sign, but it will be your second left” don’t move onto High Street.

#1 Talking About How Wasted They Got

When you ask a bro what he is doing on the weekend, you might as well be asking him, “Where and how much will you be drinking?” I mean seriously, if your answer to this ever consists of an answer that includes activities that don’t involve some sort of aspect of drinking, then they are not a bro and most likely, they are a bro-hater.

Bros love being able to brag about their drinking plans to friends at work. Bros especially love to rehash stories on Monday morning about their wild weekend, which inevitably end with the phrase, “Dude we were so fucked up!”. Extra bro points include:

• Daytime Drinking: Self-explanatory, Sunday Fundays are a huge drinking day. Pretty much anytime the weather is nice it is an excuse to drink. “Dude, the sun was shining so we started shit up early man, started throwing some balls around in the backyard at like 2. Dude we were so fucked up!”
  
  The earlier the better too. If you can honestly say you started drinking at like 7:30 AM, you are the fucking man. “Dude we started it up at 7:30, obvs we were crushing red bulls and 5 hour energys but we got fucked up!”
  
  
• Having a ridiculously high bar tab – The more open tabs at a bar the better, and if you can have multiple open tabs at multiple bars, then you are a bro-king. Leaving your credit card at a bar chalks up huge bro-points too
  
  
• Drinking after the bar closes – preferably at the bar – By doing this not only do you prove your bro-worthiness by being able to drink later than is mandated by the government, but it also proves that you are such a bro that you have connections at a bar and they will serve you after hours. Serious bro-getimacy.
  
  
• Blacking out – One time a coworker stated to me that he had never gotten to the point where he had blacked out, and asked me if I had. I told him, “Umm ch’aa, last Saturday.” You see, that is because I am a bro and I get fucked up. A lot of people might be embarrassed to say they forgot what happened last night, not bros. Revealing this will most likely get you a “Dude, that’s awesome,” along with an immediate phone call to let everyone know that person “blacked the fuck out last night.”
  
  
• Hangover– Nothing shows just how drunk you got like how hung-over you got. In fact these stories might be even more entertaining than your drunk stories. More value is given to stories that include vomiting, especially in ridiculous places. “Dude, I was so fucking hung-over at work I puked all over my bosses cube.” This type of story would immediately elicit high fives and fist pounds from your bros because this type of story could be retold by your bros and immediately give them “bro-cred” for even having a bro as cool as you.
  
  
  Bottom line – Bros love to get fucked up and they love to let everyone know just how fucked up they got.

Welcome

Welcome to Bros Like This Site– yeah this is a direct rip-off of StuffWhitePeopleLike.com but I take protein, and you don’t, so you can go fuck yourself.

Anyways, I wanted to start off this blog by explaining just what a “Bro” is.Wikipedia defines “BRO” as “Indian military maintainers of army and civilian roads in border areas, better known as ‘Boarder Roads Organisation.’” First of all, Wikipedia is full of shit and they don’t know what the fuck they are talking about. At a high level, a bro is a guy. A girl is a bra and they have no place in this conversation.

A bro can be defined by these characteristics

1) Gets fucked up. By far the most important quality of being a bro
2) Takes mad protein
3) Hooks up with mad chicks.
4) Above all loves hanging with his bros and would do anything for them, even let them drive when they’ve had too much to drink.

Now, I know what you are thinking – “Oh, I know what bros are, they are the guys who everyone wants to be/fuck!” Wrong – little do you know there are bro-enemies out there:

Bras – this is pretty much just a nice way of saying bitches, which bros always refer to women as. They try to kill our buzz by telling us we are “lame” or that they are “pregnant.” They can’t be trusted and there is no room for them in any capacity.

Bro-Haters – Better known to you as Nerks, Dorks, Dweebs, or Recovering Alcoholics. These people do not like to get fucked up, which is rule number one of being a bro and therefore I hate them. You can find often find them at the Library, Church, AA meetings, or Laser Tag arenas.

Look back here in the coming weeks for updates on all the Shit that we Bros like and tips on how you yourself can become a Bro.