Bros fucking hate condoms. They're expensive, unnatural, and worst of all, it feels like you are suffocating your joint. But we all know that bros also do not like becoming fathers, so how exactly do we get around this? This one is for all you girls out there that insist on using condoms – by using any of these alternatives you can ensure enjoyable sex as well as avoiding a maternity gown for your shotgun wedding.
The Pill – One of the most bittersweet things a random girl says during foreplay is “Do you have a condom?” Sure, you’re gonna get laid, but it would be nice if you could just raw dog it. I’m thinking of implementing a new technique during foreplay and beating the girl to the punch by asking, “Are you on birth control?” Granted most girls are on birth control, but still require wearing a condom because “they don’t know where you’ve been.” Listen, sweetheart, since I just met you tonight, chances are you’ve been a lot worse places that I have and I’m fine with it. And last I checked, birth control is not that cheap, so by making bros wear condoms you are just wasting money. Also, bros will agree that we’ll even take further steps to avoid the remaining 1% chance of pregnancy.
Pulling out – All you bro-haters out there are probably saying pulling out never works, well you know who says it does? That’s right, science. Bitch. Seriously, pulling out is the shit, not only do you get to raw dog it, but you also get to act like every bro’s favorite porn star, Peter North. Sure it’s nice just to stay inside, but being able to “paint the canvas” can be a lot of fun. Bros also like yelling out catch phrases like “YAHTZEE” or “WHAMMY” when they unleash the hounds. Not only does it let the girl know that she’s done a good job, but its also pretty fucking hilarious. As much fun as pulling out is, it’s still not full proof. Say for some odd reason the bro is not sober during the sesh. This is not too common, it only happens roughly 98% of the time. There is the chance that the bro forgets hes not wearing a dome piece or is just “slow on the draw.” Relax, bros and girls, you're still covered.
Morning After Pill – This is one of those things where you just want to be REALLY sure after all the other precautions you’ve taken. Unfortunately, I can’t say I’ve ever been part of a night of passion that has led to the awkward trip to CVS to pick up the “murder pill” but I know people who have and they are true bros. Another positive thing about this pill is that it is readily available, and some quality institutions (James Madison University) even allow students to use their flex dollars from their meal plan to pay for the pill. So after this, girls are probably saying, “Why did I ever make him wear protection?” Just wait, there’s more.
Abortion – Bros typically come from an upper-middle class to upper class upbringing where they were taught conservative values, thus they are inherently pro-life. That is until the slampiece you hooked up with like 2 months ago and never talked to again messages you on facebook that you have to talk. You meet up with her at the local coffee shop and she’s obviously rattled. Then she drops the bomb, “I’m pregnant.” You’re a bro, but you are still a respectable human being and although you are visibly devastated you tell her, “What ever you choose, I’ll stand behind you.” What this really means is, “You better be getting a fucking abortion!” Honestly, the biggest bro-hater of all time is a baby. This means your bro life is over, and I wouldn’t wish that on my least favorite bro. Also, causing an abortion gives you some serious bro points.
So, as you can see, condoms are an unnecessary tool and I want to make an announcement that much like women burned their bras back in the ‘70’s I will be organizing a condom burning protest to take place at some point this summer. Please let me know if you can attend.
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