You’re sitting on the front steps of your #32 bro pad with all your bros. It’s just a typical Tuesday afternoon, so obviously you’ve been drinking for like 3 hours. You’ve managed to pass the time by arguing about whether Lady Gaga is actually a hermaphrodite and checking out facebook pictures of girls you’ve banged on your iPhone. It’s been pretty much a perfect afternoon, but it’s about to get much better. Since your house is close to a busy section of campus, you get to see a shitload of freak shows walking by every day. Today is no exception. So far you’ve seen three goth chicks, a guy who looked like he was dead at one point, and a mammoth beast of a woman walk by. Since everyone was focused on the $5 a point testicle toss match up, nobody really bothered to make fun of them, but things are about to change. Just as you finish pounding your 10th Coors Light, it emerges from behind a building. Standing about 5 feet tall with bright orange hair, massive braces, horrid acne and weighing about 250 pounds, it makes its way closer to your house. Immediately two of your bros fall down they are laughing so hard, so you realize it’s up to you to punish this guy for choosing to look this way. “All Hail – The Great Pumpkin King!!!” You’re bros are literally holding the tips of their dicks to stop from pissing their pants. You remember you have a lighter in your pocket so you run up to him, make him hold it, and get all your bros to crowd around in a circle chanting “Jack-O-Lantern!!” He starts to cry and runs away. I mean, come on, it’s not your fault. If he didn’t want to have to call his mother in tears, he shouldn’t have tried to pick a fight with bros. Mission Accomplished.
While Bro Kings are the only truly perfect people in the world, bros are a very close second. Unfortunately, because of brocism and bropression, there are evil-doers in the world who claim that bros are simply assholes, ignoring the fact that they are the most elite members of society. These delusional people, considered in many circles to be a bigger threat than terrorists, are called Bro-Haters and they fall under the broad societal category known as “Losers.” Bros are so much better than losers it’s not even fucking funny. Everyone fucking knows it. I know it’s hard to believe but some losers haven’t even been laid. How ridiculous is that? I’m going to say something right now that may incense and enrage all you bros out there – some of these losers think they are better than us. If you didn’t just smash your computer screen, then I’ll tell you why. They tell themselves that because they study and don’t #65 cheat on all their exams and shit that they will have a high powered, high paid job someday, thus making them more attractive to slam pieces. Newsflash you fucking losers: Bros are already rich as shit and get slam pieces whenever they want. Dumb fucks. So how do we put these losers where the belong? Here’s a few tips:
Attack Physical Characteristics - Honestly, there’s no better way to put some fucking loser down than state the facts. Being short, fat, having braces, going bald, huge glasses, giant ears or nose are all solid places to start. If by miracle of God he doesn’t have any of these faulty characteristics just say he has a tiny dick, which he probably does. Making fun of losers’ physical features is the closest that a bro will ever come to doing charity work. By realizing what makes them ugly, losers can now get plastic surgery to fix themselves.
Exploit Sports Weakness – Bros fucking dominate sports. So, it’s pretty easy to recognize a loser during physical activity. Say you have a Volleyball class or some shit. Find the biggest loser on the other team and spike the shit out of the ball at him. Obviously, he’s not going to return that shit, and you might even get the bonus of breaking his glasses so he plays even worse. This will make everyone on his team hate him and all the slam pieces want to bang you.
Do it in Public – I can’t stress this enough – in the never ending one-sided battle between bros and losers, although it feels fucking great to give losers shit when it’s just the two of you, there must be others present. We need to spread the word about how much better bros are than losers and it’s just a waste of time if you don’t do it in front of an audience. The bigger the fucking better. Say the valedictorian from your class gets up to give the commencement address. Fucking boo that loser. Fucking nerd. Anytime some loser gets an award at work I spread rumors about how I heard them masturbating in the bathroom. They usually get written up. Fucking loser. Serves them right for taking shit away from its rightful owner.
Bros: 1. Losers: 0.