It haunts you. You still wake up in cold sweats thinking about it. It’s been three years, but it still feels like it happened just yesterday. You begged not to go through with it, but were told it had to be done. The humiliation, degradation, and overall unnecessary actions of that fateful day will live with you forever, and as a bro, you will make sure that shit never happens to you again. Obviously, I am talking about the worst day of any bro’s life (besides when his slam piece refuses to get an abortion) – the day he has to get his physical for College.
A true bro never goes to the fucking doctor. Why the fuck would you? Bros are by definition the strongest physical specimens on the fucking planet, so you better fucking believe they have pretty sick immune systems. Do you ever see bros in commercials talking about medication they need to talk to their doctor about? Fuck no, that’s for old fucks who can’t sprout wood anymore and menopausal cougars. The only time a bro ever gets sick is because he did like 16 shots of Jack the night before. You don’t need a doctor to help you get better because of that – you just need a fucking fatty and a Bloody Mary. Let’s take a look at some of the reasons a true bro should never go to the fucking doctors.
Doctors Are Bro-Haters – One of the great things about a physical is it gives a bro the chance to let the doctor know how fucking awesome you are. When the doctor asks, “How often do you drink,” just tell him the truth – “All the fucking time, bitch.” It’s also bro as shit to go into a story about how you blacked out last weekend and woke up in a puddle of piss and vomit, which you are 75% sure was your own. Extra bro points awarded if you’ve been drinking on the day of your physical. As you reach out for the high five from the doctor, there’s nothing but a blank stare and a gaping mouth looking back at you. What the fuck is wrong with this bro-hater? Instead of your expected, “Oh man, we have got to party together,” you get a fucking lecture about your liver, blah, blah, cancer, blah, blah, alcoholism, blah, blah, blah. Shut the fuck up – I’m a bro, my body is genetically perfect.
Doctors Are Former College Losers – Question – When was the last time a bro had to pull an all-nighter for a pre-med exam? Answer – Trick question dipshit, a true bro never takes pre-med and definitely never goes to med school. Bros focus their studies to more important topics, like Communication, Leisure Studies, and Sports Management. I’d like to see a pre-med major even attempt to coach his high school’s lacrosse team after graduation without proper sports management training – yeah I didn’t think so you fucking loser. So why do doctors go through 10 years of medical school? Is it because they want to help people or make the world a better place? I fucking doubt it. Nine times out of ten it’s because they are virgins who want to cop a feel of their patients and I will be damned if I let some sicko doctor cup my balls so he can get off. I always like to make the nurse as uncomfortable as possible by working up a raging boner. I always ask her if she’s got a “prescription for my diag-bone-sis.” They always look really offended and never go down on me, even though I make it clear that I'm a bro. It's probably because they're lesbians. Fucking dykes.
So the next time you are thinking of scheduling a routine physical, think again. There’s a good chance that doctor is the same kid you and your bros threw ice cream cones at and forced to eat ceiling tiles Freshman year. If you’re ok with that, you can go stand over there with the rest of the bro-haters, because there is one thing I know for a fact – bros fucking hate going to the doctor.