Tuesday, October 20, 2009

#83 Not Going To The Doctor

It haunts you. You still wake up in cold sweats thinking about it. It’s been three years, but it still feels like it happened just yesterday. You begged not to go through with it, but were told it had to be done. The humiliation, degradation, and overall unnecessary actions of that fateful day will live with you forever, and as a bro, you will make sure that shit never happens to you again. Obviously, I am talking about the worst day of any bro’s life (besides when his slam piece refuses to get an abortion) – the day he has to get his physical for College.

A true bro never goes to the fucking doctor. Why the fuck would you? Bros are by definition the strongest physical specimens on the fucking planet, so you better fucking believe they have pretty sick immune systems. Do you ever see bros in commercials talking about medication they need to talk to their doctor about? Fuck no, that’s for old fucks who can’t sprout wood anymore and menopausal cougars. The only time a bro ever gets sick is because he did like 16 shots of Jack the night before. You don’t need a doctor to help you get better because of that – you just need a fucking fatty and a Bloody Mary. Let’s take a look at some of the reasons a true bro should never go to the fucking doctors.

Doctors Are Bro-Haters – One of the great things about a physical is it gives a bro the chance to let the doctor know how fucking awesome you are. When the doctor asks, “How often do you drink,” just tell him the truth – “All the fucking time, bitch.” It’s also bro as shit to go into a story about how you blacked out last weekend and woke up in a puddle of piss and vomit, which you are 75% sure was your own. Extra bro points awarded if you’ve been drinking on the day of your physical. As you reach out for the high five from the doctor, there’s nothing but a blank stare and a gaping mouth looking back at you. What the fuck is wrong with this bro-hater? Instead of your expected, “Oh man, we have got to party together,” you get a fucking lecture about your liver, blah, blah, cancer, blah, blah, alcoholism, blah, blah, blah. Shut the fuck up – I’m a bro, my body is genetically perfect.

Doctors Are Former College Losers – Question – When was the last time a bro had to pull an all-nighter for a pre-med exam? Answer – Trick question dipshit, a true bro never takes pre-med and definitely never goes to med school. Bros focus their studies to more important topics, like Communication, Leisure Studies, and Sports Management. I’d like to see a pre-med major even attempt to coach his high school’s lacrosse team after graduation without proper sports management training – yeah I didn’t think so you fucking loser. So why do doctors go through 10 years of medical school? Is it because they want to help people or make the world a better place? I fucking doubt it. Nine times out of ten it’s because they are virgins who want to cop a feel of their patients and I will be damned if I let some sicko doctor cup my balls so he can get off. I always like to make the nurse as uncomfortable as possible by working up a raging boner. I always ask her if she’s got a “prescription for my diag-bone-sis.” They always look really offended and never go down on me, even though I make it clear that I'm a bro. It's probably because they're lesbians. Fucking dykes.

So the next time you are thinking of scheduling a routine physical, think again. There’s a good chance that doctor is the same kid you and your bros threw ice cream cones at and forced to eat ceiling tiles Freshman year. If you’re ok with that, you can go stand over there with the rest of the bro-haters, because there is one thing I know for a fact – bros fucking hate going to the doctor.

43 comments:

MariBro Kart said...

awww yea brotha. ah never visit uh doctor- nahh matter what ah aint goin ta nahh mad stupid doctor office. ah know im otay, im uh bro, ah never git sick or hurt. if ah do git sick, ah drink anyway! even though ah be uh bro wiff uh super phat job, totally rich, great benefits, ah never jet ta da
doctor. ah take tyme off werk ta jet ta da doctor an' just jet ta da bar instead! getting fucked-up rules & going ta doctors sux ova' heeah!

bronavon frankenreiter said...

My physical before college last year was one of the proudest moments of my life. I took a blood test and was thrilled to find I had "high levels of protein" in my body. The fag boy said it like it was a bad thing???? Please. That just reassures me that my money for protein supplements isn't going to waste. Next time the scrawny doctor should tell me how much he benches before he tries telling me to limit my protein intake. Fuck that.

ChicagBRO said...

I got a physical before starting work and it turned up high levels of some enzyme BS according to the bro-hater doc. Turns out I had "liver damage" from excessive drinking. I was instructed to stop drinking for 6 weeks and get more blood work. I got blacked out that night and haven't stopped pounding and being a bro ever since. Think I ever got the blood work done? No way- bc I'm a bro and bros fucking hate the doctor.

Anonymous said...

I remember in Iraq I had hodgie blood all over my pants. I thought it was sweet at shit, but some fucking doctor at the FOB told me I had to burn them because of disease. WTF! I was going to bring those home to show to fucking slam pieces and scare hippies with. Burn MY fucking pants I wore when I abused the shit out of that detainee. Fucking bro-hater. Well jokes on him cause it was those same pants that would have landed my ass in jail when they investigated me. Luckily I followed Dr. no fun's advice and burned the shit out of them. Fuck shit up fellow bros!

-SEMPER BRO

Broseidon said...

Man I'm sick as fuck right now. But will I go to the doctor? Fuck no I won't. I'm gonna smoke a pack of cigarettes to spite this sickness then I'm going to get fucking wasted for Karaoke Night. Sickness can eat a dick.

Austin said...

My dad's a doctor... I fucking hate him, but he gives me money and pays for my alcohol. Fuck doctors

Nabroleon said...

Yea I went to a nurse to check out what ended up being strep... she asked me do you smoke or drink? I was like yea but just weed... How many drinks do you have a week? Obviously, I took my actual number of weekly drinks, divided by 5, and added 2 (ended up being 16) she was like oh well that's a little bit much. I then proceeded to cock slap her and left.

Anonymous said...

Only time a bro can go to the doctor is when the brocaine is gone and you need some adderall quick. Desperate times

Jason Campbroell said...

Im a med school student who gets fucked up 24/7... I might be getting kicked out cause my grades but there are the few bro med school students. I party constantly and fuck slam-pieces regularly I bullshit you not

John McenBro said...

I know a bro whose side was hurting him really bad, naturally he thought it was from partying like a bro, turns out his appendix burst... I told him at least now he has more room for an enlarged liver

Lance HarBRO said...

I have to disagree with some of this brost. I'm also a bro med student and have to say there are plenty of fellow bro med students in my class. Many of them bro out all the time and certainly get fucked up like any solid group of bros. Are there plenty of anti-bro med students and doctors too? Fuck ya, but don't worry, some day you'll broll into the ER and say "hey doc I need some hydrobodone, or some plan Bro, and you'll actually get a bro doc who knows what it's like to bro out 24/7 and slam sluts. Do you know how many nurse slam pieces the docbros pull? A LOT, cause like you said there are plenty of anti-bro docs out there.

Bro Vaughn said...

Going to the doctor is definitely unbro, but one strate part was that one of the kids in my gradeschool's mom was the town doctor, so every time one of our bros came back from a physical we ripped into this kid about how we just got back from a fondling from his mom. It worked out great cuz her last name was monstruir (which ends up sounding like monster. We'd be like, we just got back from showing your mom something monstruir. Tacky but definitely bro like for being in 8th grade.

Arizona Brodeo said...

I personally just had to endure the hell that is the doctors office. Not only did they make we wait in line for a half hour (bros hate lines and deserve to be served first everywhere), but the bro-hating doctor said that I need to stay avoid "intimate" contact for awhile to avoid spreading my "illness." Fuck that. You know he's just limiting my slam piece intake for the week and probably trying to nail some chicks for himself. Get real. Doctors don't get bras, they get married and who the fuck wants that? Not this bro thats for damn sure.

Anonymous said...

Broctors can write prescriptions for adderrall and in some states marijuana. So they got that going for them

BROwling For Columbine said...

the doctors office has many flaws, but it all basically boils down to this. if you are there, it is assumed there is something wrong with you, and thus, you are not a bro. therefore doctors are pussies whose fathers should have pulled out

Carter Broford greatest brummer ever said...

while i agree with this, my best friends parents are BOTH doctors, and they are the most classy, bro-tacular people i have ever known. they let our group of 12 bros come down to south carolina and spend a week in their sick-as-hell lakehouse. each day was this: tan 11am-noon. meat-based lunch noon-2. tube/water ski 2-5. frisbee/football 5-6. sports center/dinner/entourage 6-8. beer pong 8-4am. fucking blasting third breye blind, broldplay, brove matthews, counting brows, BRO.A.R., and Broasis all night next to the pong table. smoking fine cigars laced with weed. pissing, puking, and passing out wherever the fuck we want. this was all made possible because the doctors made enough money to give us a weeklong bro-paradise.

Anonymous said...

i might disagree with the bros on this one. you fake sicknesses to get mad amounts of PK's (pain killers for all you GDI's)....

Dan said...

usually i agree with what's written on this site, but seriously? are you that much of a pussy you wake up in a cold sweat because you don't want a physical? bros aren't scared of anything.

Broweiser said...

what the hell is a fucking doctor? only dude i know is a fellow bro who hands out that syrup like i was lil wayne.

Anonymous said...

Yeah I had a physical before I went to college, but that was just so I could tell yet another person that I'm sexually active. He told me to wear a condom... even when I got head... Who the fuck does that? Not a bro thats for sure

RealBro said...

LOL how the fuck can you say your a real bro if you "go to a doctor". Clearly your a Pion. The doctor comes to the real bro's as since we are rich as shit, real bro's have their own personal medical team.

Ayatollah Bromeini said...

Bro Hatin doctor tried to tell me in needed a shot in my ass cheek. I proceeded to let him know nothing was going near my ass and he could poke his own shit. It was disturbing enough to keep me from blacking out that night

The Mad Fratter said...

I go for the free drugs. If that's not fratty, I don't know what is..

The Notorious B.R.O. said...

My immune system was on top of its game after 4 years in the frat....never went to the doctor. My body could handle any illness since I lived in the weightroom and was fuckin jacked.

The best way to stay healthy is to drink more hard-a. That shit burns out the germs and you get an excuse to get fucked up....natural bro-medicine

Randy Broture said...

Masters of the bromain: I would like to state one serious exception to the rule rule that doctors cannot be bros: Dr. House. Lets face it, that guy is among the wisest of bros in the land.

VinnieP said...

fuck doctors, they want to touch up on my dick those fuckin queero mooks.
I ain't no faggot grab my dick and tellin me it's nice, I got plenty of slampieces tellin me that shit daily.

James Monbro said...

This same shit applies for the dentist. The bitches there always say the same shit about me getting swollen gums and mild plauqe build-up and shit.

But if you take shots and swish em, it kills all the germs in your mouth. You'd think those retards would know that!

Anonymous said...

Yeah the Doctors blow, but if you fake it you can get some pain killers or xanax to get fucked up on. Maybe say you can't concentrate and get adderall so you can stay up all night getting fucking wasted. I exaggerated my cough and flu last time at the doctor and they gave my fucking hydrocodone syrup.

Anonymous said...

NYB u are 99% true with this post
the only 1% of doctors that are true bros are the plastic surgeons
working with tits all day is about as bro as it gets

Anonymous said...

I love going to the doctor blazed out of my mind and not put in eye drops so when they ask do you smoke i just point at my eyes. this is often answered by a lecture to which i respond, so u gonna get big and force me to stop... didnt think so. Bros are the shit

Anonymous said...

eye drops? what the fuck are you twelve years old and scared your mommys gonna spank you for tokin? fuckin pussy. do everyone here a favor a chug a bottle of turpentine.

Anonymous said...

Good post, but one thing you totally forgot to mention. Doctors are good for something- getting prescriptions for good shit.

Anonymous said...

fellow bro's out there, you all continue to raise valid points, and I think that young, handsome, strong, "healthy" lads do indeed have no place at the doctor. However, the medical field is definitely not anti-bro, and has in fact been infiltrated by many bros that you would all be proud of. I for one am a current medical student, and yes, test week is definitely a change of pace from my years of raging through undergrad. However, we're still sending a house full of MD bros to panama for SB, and I dare a girl to resist when you tell them that you are currently working to cure cancer.

Brett Favre said...

i used to take pride in the fact that every night i drank, i drank enough to kill two 90lbs girls. then i threw up blood after forty hands and went to the doctor. the bro-hater told me i have to stop drinking all together or i would die a miserable death by the age of thirty. fuck throwing up blood and fuck doctors

Garth BROoks said...

Don't despair pre-med bros, you can still be a bro and be a doctor. First as any undergrad bro does get good grades by copying some slam piece's test that you bang who thinks she's smart. She's dumb as shit for doing 60 hours of studying a week when she's gonna wind up being a secretary/nurse/teacher/stripper or any other profession that women become. Live the life of bro as an undergraduate and have your rich dad pull some strings to get you into med school.

At med school you get 4 more years to party your ass off and get a C- in med school. No one will fucking know the difference between a doctor who got straight A's and one that copied every test when getting a prescription. When you tell a slut that you're in medical school they instantly think money so you'll have more slam pieces on the train to Pound Town than Amtrak.

Residency is the time to fuck all the nurse sluts in the hospital who crave fresh dick. Once get get licensed, open your own practice, hire a bunch of slam piece nurses, and make fucking dough. Make up some bullshit excuse to fire the nurses every two or so years so there's new pussy to slay. Work like 3 days a week and make bank and the other 4 days a week you can sleep till 3pm while still blacking out 7 days a week. You can even write yourself prescriptions for adderall, vicodin, and "medical" marijauna.

Retire at age 60 marry a 20 year old college grad and reproduce to make more slampieces and bros. I dare you to find one non-bro thing with this life.

Anonymous said...

Awwwwh shit! Tomorrow is Friday and I have a Doctors appointment!!
And a fucking dentist appointment!
This just reminded me SHIT!! I don't want to waste my day, I WANT TO GET FADED!!! The doctor is going to tell me about the results they got from the CAT scan on my kidneys.... "BLAH BLAH STOP DRINKING GEHRRR" ugggghhh. FML. Dentist "do you smoke?" Me "yes" Dentist "you should quit" Me "i honestly DGAF what you say... suck it.... no i dont have a dick... but suck it... i SHOULD do alot of things" Someone hand me the bong.. this is stressful.

Anonymous said...

DAMNIT, don't hate on us. I'm a med student, and I clearly use my med student status to fuck slam pigs all the time! Are you kidding me?! There are Bro docs, they're called Orthopedic Surgeons, they're bad ass, never sleep, fix your bones when you fuck them up doing something sweet like punching through a wall! Awww snap bitches, look, your Doc is way bigger than you can bench 350, and squats a house! What could he be !? An orthopedic Surgeon, that's what! That's the only respectable Bro-Doc job.

Anonymous said...

Agree with anonymous ^. BROrthopedic surgeons are often bros that just wanna fix bones make fucking bank and take slam piece nurses to pound town. I'll be attending medical school next year having gotten fucked up multiple times throughout the week during undergrad years. sure i had to study but I slept maybe 4 hrs a day. its called fucking adderall. something i'll be prescribing to myself and other bros to make the world a better place

Justin TimBROlake said...

If one can juggle the demands of pre-med studies with the even more demanding aspects of the bro lifestyle, like slaying slampieces, #79 going on roadtrips, #2 stealing shit, and of course #88 getting wasted at inappropriate times (e.g. night before MCATS) to say a few, then he is truly a bro king. not every bro can take 16 shots of jack every night, pass out, wake up, pass a med test, and then repeat this enough times to get into med school. Time to add another one to the Bro Breakdown list- The Pre-Med Bro.

blazeNbroski said...

fuck doctors all they do is tell you that you cant do shit. no smoking no drinking blah blah blah shut your face. i broke my ankle playing seven on seven football the summer before my senior year in high school. what doctor did i go to? fucking none thats right cause he would just be a bro hater and slap a cast on it and say no football for you. fuck him my ankle is just fine now. sure it cracks and pops all the damn time but you know who likes that right the slam pieces dig that shit and besides when it starts to hurt i just pound so brew and its all good again

Broseph Haydn said...

Pre Med bros!? Last time I went to a bar there were a bunch of resident docs there, and all me and my bros and accompanying bras did was make fun of them (one of the bras is even a nurse!)

As for the slampieces in medschool- you can have em. Hampieces is a more accurate name...

BROZA said...

I love this site but what up with hating on the Premed bros? being a doctor is a sure way to guarantee that your still banging the hottest slam pieces when your 35.
To address the all night study sessions that are required to be premed. That is fucking bro, only fucking bro haters study every day for their classes. True bros pop a few concertas or snort some lines of addy and bust an all nighter and ace that shit.

Mick Broley said...

Dr Cox and Turk from active are huge bros and make that shitty show worth watching

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