Tuesday, November 17, 2009

#91 Cursing

It’s gameday. After a successful #68 tailgate where you funneled beers out of a beer bong, dirty parking cone, and some guy from Walter Reed’s prosthetic leg, you are finally in fighting shape. You’re at the point where you really can’t stand and definitely don’t remember who your squad is playing, but you have been giving the #26 opposing fans in the parking lot shit for the past hour. After a couple games of dizzy bat you #48 throw up all over your grill – it doesn’t fucking matter though, you already ate. After all the fucking bro-haters start to yell at you for “ruining” the tailgate, you give them the fucking finger and start making your patented jerking off gesture. Advantage: you.

Your bros say you’re going to miss kickoff so you stumble to your upper deck seat. Since you’re a bro and rich as shit you usually get club seats, but you decided to “give back” to the community and get the spirit flowing with all the fucking poor people. Even though you are in the upper deck that doesn’t mean you can’t #77 heckle the shit out of the other team. You target the wide receiver who just got a DUI and start screaming at him about how he could have killed some kids, even though you fully plan on #23 drinking and driving immediately following the game. As you are halfway through your obscenity laden rant, a woman in her 40’s taps you on the shoulder. She’s wearing the opposing team’s jersey. “We’re not doing that today.” What the fuck is she talking about? Of course we’re fucking doing this shit. Then you see her 8 year old child who lets you know it’s his “first game.” Normally, you would just say fuck it and go with your patented jerking off move again, but for some reason, you decide to just take it easy. For now. As the game goes on the beers keep flowing, and by the 4th quarter your squad is up 2 until their kicker puts one through the uprights to take the lead with six minutes left. Again, you feel a tap on your shoulder – it’s the kid. “You suck!” he says while his mother laughs. That’s it. You stand up and get in his grill – “Listen, you little white trash piece of shit – I don’t see a ring on your fucking mother’s hand leading me to believe she’s some trailer park whore.” As the boy begins to cry and the mother is speechless a slow clap starts from the surrounding fans. With any other group of people in society, they would be looked at as a villain, but you’re a bro and it’s your god given right to curse. Take your bow, hero - you earned it.

Bros fucking love cursing. They do it all the fucking time. Back in the day there were those words that you would always get in trouble for saying, so obviously, you better fucking believe young bros said them any chance they fucking could Bros are fucking rebels.. I mean, what’s so wrong with curse words anyway? They serve so many fucking awesome purposes. ‘Shit’ and ‘Fuck’ could literally refer to anything, but bros always know what other bros are saying when they use the words. This is obviously because they are the smartest people on the planet. Let’s take a look at a couple of reasons why bros love using these magical words.

Great Placeholders – Bros are fucking amazing pubic speakers. They god damn well better be if they want to tell a big group of people all the crazy shit they did #1 last weekend. But a major rule in public speaking is never say the word, “Um.” You better fucking believe bros got that shit covered. Instead of saying that shit which makes you sound dumb as fuck, bros just replace it with “Fucking.” For example, “So, I was downtown and I, fucking, hit up some bar, and we fucking, we fucking, we got pretty fucking hammered. Then, fucking, fucking Thompson got into a fight. And we were fucking, fucking fighting!” Now, not only do you sound intelligent as fuck, but cool as shit at the same time.

Direct and Effective – There’s a lot of shit that I fucking hate – #89 hipsters, #45 clubs, and hearing Pam Ward announce College Football games are just a few. But if there’s one thing that really gets to me, it’s people who think they are smart as shit just because they have a big vocabulary. Please, give me a fucking break. Let’s take a look at an example:

Bro-hater: “I’d love to take you out to a glorious night of dancing under the waning moon-light, followed up by strawberries and champagne.”
Bro: “Let’s get our fuck on.”

Honestly, go say that shit to ten girls and I guarantee that at least 9 will bang the bro. The other is probably a fucking lesbian and therefore worthless – unless she’s hot.

So the next time you “catch yourself” about to drop an ‘F bomb’ in front of your Grandma, let that shit flow. Not only will you not be betraying your bro roots – but she’ll think you’re cool as fuck.

29 comments:

Anonymous said...

FUCK.

Anonymous said...

women announcing football games are the FUCKING worst. nothing pisses me off more than a bitch pretending to know more about football then i do

Anonymous said...

Pam Ward is bad, but try listening to Dorris Burke announce NBA games. And they let her do it for the fucking playoffs too...its unreal. Every time I hear a women on ESPN, I get confused and think I must have actually turned to the cooking channel. This shit needs to end

ROBROTO CLEMENTE said...

Last weekend some fuckin bro haters tried to fuckin rat on me for carrying a bottle of Jim Beam into the game. I trashed the bottle before security got to me and dared them to link me to the evidence. As the puss in boots security homo walked away, I challenged the fuckin coward who ratted me out to show his face. The cocksucker hid like a whore at Denny's and I proceeded to flip the bird to the crowd ala Bud Adams

ROBROTO CELEMENTE said...

Bitch ass UMD fans

BROck Landers said...

Holy fuck I love cursing and I fucking love being a bro

Broyakasha said...

I got one of those stamps from the office engraved to say fuck on it, now every outgoing mail gets a nice fucking stamp in between a contacts first and last name and in place of the return address...you better fucking believe i got promoted for that shit.

Similarly, on my gravestone it will say FUCK instead of my name, followed by: He was a great fuck.

Abroham Lincoln said...

Anybody who does not let their fucking mouth run wild is not a bro.

mojojobro said...

dont forget calling fellow bros "pussies" "assholes" and "fuckin faggots" to assert brominance and look cool as shit at any given moment

Anonymous said...

man this one explains me. most of my brocabulary is made up of fuckin swears i fuckin swear every fuckin god damn chance i fuckin get. bro 4 life Fuck yea

Fratrick Broneill said...

Dizzy Bat (aka Louisville Chugger) is one of the most bro games of all time. Not only do bros get to get drunk as fuck while drawing an epic crowd, you get to show off your athleticism to potential slam pieces.

Anonymous said...

saying fuck or fucking instead of "um" while telling a story or talking to someone is the best thing ever. you couldnt have explained it any better NYB.

BROce Springsteen said...

cursing while chanting works great also. nothing gets to opposing fans or players better during games than combo curse-chants.

It also works on cops with mixed results but bros dont give a shit. the cops know your fuckin pops will run his ass outta town. Put him in his fuckin place.

Bros are the, fuckin... shit

Robert Denirbro said...

fucking right bros. i fucking love this shit. fuck all the fucking bro-haters who say cursing is inappropriate at shit like fucking executive buisiness meetings and during the fucking national anthem. fucking usa all day, so of course i scream fuck yeah when that fucking song gets played

bros are the shit

Brose Cuervo said...

This is so fucking true
I use "fuckin" as a placeholder in every sentence

Bro Down said...

This is an excellent post, and I think that we should all give a shout out to a great bro, Alec Baldwin. This is him fucking verbally degrading some assholes from Glengarry Glen Ross. Totally Veteran.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TROhlThs9qY

"You can't close shit, you are shit, hit the fucking bricks pal, 'cause you are going out."

Broranasorous Rex said...

Saturday it was nice as shit outside, so we had a party. My fat, 50-something neighbor asked that we keep the language down for her kids. I lied and said ok, then went inside, got a bedsheet, spray painted "FUCK" on it, and hung it on my house. I came back from work Monday and some bro-hater stole it.

Broflex Home Gym said...

Good Idea: Go out with your bro and two slam pieces you picked up at a bar last week and get fucked up.
Better Idea: Drunk drive 40+ miles from home to numerous bars, only to get pulled over by HPD on way home.
Best Idea: While bitch is gettin a sobriety test, I hop out of back seat only to here the police tell me to get back in car.
My Response: "Fuck you, I gotta piss like a motha fucker."

Did I go to jail? No, because cops no better than to fuck with bro's. Why be polite when cursing makes a bolder statement.

BRObophet said...

Damn Bro-Rex fuckin bro-haters, we have some bro-hater neighbors at school who didnt appreciate burnouts at 3 a.m. on a Tuesday...fuckin un-American bastards, and to top it off I think those faggots stole our American Flag outside our place probably because we chant U-S-A every other fuckin second to show our patriotism. Fuck bro-haters they are going to get whats coming to them when I perform some fuckin auto-body repairs on their cars this weekend

brOrlando said...

Excellent fuckin comments. I especially like the fuckin spray paint bed sheet story.

So the other weekend I was watching the fuckin PSU-OSU game on the fuckin big screen at home with the bros. Slammin fuckin brews. Half time rolls around and I wander into the yard, notice a pumpkin we had from Halloween and decide it needed to be fuckin chucked into the street. Bro-hater neighbor notices and says "you better pick that up." And I say "yeah, probably fuckin not." And he says "you better." I repeat "probably fuckin not." He got in his fuckin smart car and drove away. I then fuckin got a huge ass knife and carved FU in another pumpking and put it facing his house. Fuck that hipster. He should eat shit and fuckin die.

The(Four-One-Bro) said...

Fucking spot on.

Robroto Clemente, UMD fans are the shit you stupid fuck.

BROck Landers said...

Great fuckin post, NYB. I like to think of the word fucking as a comma while I speak. Fuck this shit, I'm out. Fucking bros are the shit.

Sam Ace Brothstein said...

I say fuck 200 times a day to keep my teeth white.

smokin broges said...

cursing is bro as shit, but personally i think those kids who say "fuckin" every 5 words are dumbasses. you'll never see a true bro doing shit like that, only guidos and wanna be nigs. 9 times out of 10 that kid who says "fuckin..." every 2 seconds is wearing a fitted hat, not a bro one but one of those ghetto loser hats. saying "fuckin..." every other word also makes you sound poor as shit which is so unbro

Seersucker and BROwties said...

Can we rule out Ed Hardy from being considered bro

Vincent Van Bro said...

All this 'fuck', 'fucking', 'fuck' business is fair enough and should be standard terminology in every bros sentences but I can't believe i've not seen one C-bomb dropped yet in this post! True bros love to cause maximum offence so naturally like to employ the most socially unacceptable terms like 'cunt' and 'twat'. More creative bros also like to make up their own terms for special occasions (like dissing slampieces and bro-haters). These are usually combinations involving a bro's favorite expletives like 'cuntflaps', 'fucktits', 'twatheap' and so on...why not try making up some of your own?

BRO PELINI said...

bro move, bro move.

The HamBrogalur said...

This reminds me of a bro I know...

broin it up for life said...

fuck yea BROS for life FUCK ALL YOU BRO- HATERS SUCK MY FUCKING DICK HATERS THIS SITE IS THE BIBLE

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