Tuesday, December 22, 2009

#98 Lesbians

It’s Saturday night. You and your bros have been having the time of your fucking lives playing #6 beer pong all afternoon. Sure you’ve played like 16 games and it’s only 7 o’clock, but you’re a fucking legend, so you’re barely even buzzed. After crushing the six cases you guys had for the day, it’s time for a beer run. You tell your bros to go get the fucking beer since you fucking own them. While they make their way out the door like the fucking bitches they are, you and your bro take a seat on the couch and watch some Jeopardy so you can make fun of all the fucking #80 losers on the show. After about 10 minutes of using your hands to give yourself glasses and screaming “NERDS!!!” at the TV, you decide this party needs some fucking slam pieces. Before you can even start texting bitches, you get one reading, “WE RRRR DRRRRUNNNKK!!! WHAT RRR YOU DOOOINNGG???” Oh God - its Heather and Jen – better #28 known to your bros as “Tweedlefat and Tweedledrunk.”

You don’t respond, but you know they can smell the blood in the water. Instead, you invite over a shitload of other slam pieces. As the party gets going you are impressing the shit out of all the bitches by sinking cup after cup and yelling out some sort of #20 quote from a Will Ferrell movie after each hit. This blond girl keeps staring at you and obviously wants a piece but you can’t remember her name to save your life. Just as you’re introducing yourself for the third time that hour you hear the door swing wide open – it’s Tweedlefat and Tweedledrunk. They’re looking for dick. As the barnyard animals graze closer to the beer pong table someone gets a bowl out and puts in on the floor so the pigs can “drink from their trough,” but they’re too drunk to notice. They are concerned with one thing and one thing alone: getting attention. After trying to call next, you inform them that “beer pong is for humans, not mythical beasts,” so they back away. Even though everyone is actively letting them know they are not welcome, there’s no retreating to Wonderland for these twins. They decide there’s only one way they can become the stars of this party: making out with each other.

Your bro taps you and points. At first you’re disgusted – it’s fucking Tweedlefat and Tweedledrunk. There’s nothing to see here, but slowly you become intrigued. These two are really fucking going at it. You want to look away but you can’t. You’re trapped like a deer in headlights. As you and your bros start to back away from the slam pieces you were talking to and converge on the two girls entrenched in desperate plea for approval, you start a slow clap, then the cat calls come which in turn lead to the triumphant chant of “Les-bi-ans!!” There’s no turning back now. These two former party-lepers are now the fucking main attraction. That’s because they found the key to any true bros’ heart. Bros fucking love Lesbians.

Ask any bro why he fucking loves Lesbians so much and he’ll undoubtedly have a tough time telling you. It’s just an unexplainable phenomenon, but it’s a staple in any true bro’s life. Pretty much any time there’s a chance that girls might be kissing you better believe bros are going to crowd around them chanting and videotaping that shit. Witnessing a girl on girl make out session is a fucking milestone in any bros life. Bros can't even remember their parents’ fucking birthdays, but they’ll never forget exactly where they were when Britney and Madonna made out.

While bros fully support drunken Lesbianism at parties and in the arts (Girls Gone Wild,) you better believe there's a line. Believe it or not, Lesbians are not all 19-year-old girls looking to experiment after a little too much Boone’s Farm. Although they fully support their anti-dick beliefs, bros do not find anything hot about actual Lesbians. For some reason, thinking about two girls who look like John Kruk circa 1993 getting it on just doesn’t do it for bros.

Bros fully recognize that Lesbians are an extremely integral part of society. Whether they are faking just to get famous (Anne Heche,) running for President (Hilary,) or inspiring some of the greatest movies ever made (Where the Boys Aren’t Vol. 1-5, 8) Lesbians are an integral part of society. Even though they are everywhere, there is only one place where their passion can truly be observed and celebrated: an attention-starved drunken make-out session in front of a bunch of chanting bros. Who says romance is dead?

53 comments:

Its a Sparty in the USA said...

Yes! Fucking dykes make my heart beat faster than Brittany Murphy's on uppers.

2 drunk hot blondes making out is the greatest thing in the world. But NYB, be strong: fuck ugly girls kissing. It's like someone jizzing in a molson ice- a waste of a good product. Lesbianism must be restricted to hot slampieces; anyone else and it's just not good and those girls must be relentlessly made fun of and called dykes.

Anonymous said...

LEGENDARY post NYB. truer words have never been spoken.... Romance ain't dead indeed.

Bro Dimaggio said...

Great Post NYB, Seeing two girls make out hardcore is like a bro's kryptonite. Fucking bros love that Just like this site, BROS FUCKING RULLEEE!!!!

Anonymous said...

"You tell your bros to go get the fucking beer since you fucking own them. While they make their way out the door like the fucking bitches they are,"
Bros love their fellow bros...this is not bro

Anonymous said...

to anonymous
bros fucking love ragging on other bros. ragging on a fellow bro lets slam pieces know where the said bro doing the ragging stands in the bro king hierarchy

lamar brodom said...

anonymous you are a fag, bros love calling other bros they bitch it's just the way we work

Austin said...

anonymous fuck off, your a wannabe bro. Your no better than Tweedlefat and Tweedledrunk, your trying to get attention... but your a dude...fuckin disgusting

bronavon frankenreiter said...

i love seeing a slam piece going to work on another as much as the next bro but they have to be at least a 616 in my book. beat looking "tweedlefats" are not some things id like to look at. otherwise, good shit

Smokey the Bear said...

During my freshman year at college, I was hammered drunk making out with some slam piece, when all the sudden she stopped and said, "I don't know if I should be doing this; I have a girlfriend."
Immediately I smiled at her and said, "that's cool; she can come too."
Lesbians are the shit.

Nabroleon said...

BI > Lesbian

broman polanski said...

You know why NYB is a fucking bro genius? because he invented something that is actually worth taking the time out of our beer pounding, poon hunting bro lives to READ! he made it cool for bros to fucking read..i haven't read a damn book all through college but i spend a good hour a week reading on this site...major props NYB...another solid post.

Steve Brociechowski said...

CANT AGREE WITH YOU MORE!!

ATBro said...

Let me just start by saying Bros Like This Site = the shit. However, there is one topic that has yet to be covered. LIL WAYNE AKA Lil Weezy AKA Dwayne Michael Carter Jr. Every bro out there remembers the first time they heard Lil Wayne. A staple at every party my fraternity throws. Girls be takin their panties off when we drop Lil Weezy.

Sgt. HuBRo Stiglitz said...

just say NO to landbeasts

Shit is Bronanas, B.R.O.N.A.N.A.S. said...

Man, fuck lil wayne. Sometimes you have to play the game and cater to the crowd of sorostitutes at the fraternity party by putting on some weezie f baby, but honestly lil wayne has sucked dick ever since tha block is hot. This is just my opinion; I know a ton of bros who swear that da carter albums are the greatest thing since backalley abortions. But he is a total sellout. If you want good party music, you need some wayne in the mix, but he's way down the list behind cheesy 80s songs (come on eileen), 90s (semicharmed kind of life), Motown, neil diamond, disney songs (free willy theme = greatest. drinking. song. ever.), country, real rap (notorious big), backstreet boys (hilarious) and celine dion (funniest shit ever).

On lesbians- if the girls are hot, their needing attention is the greatest thing I've ever seen. I once saw a naked all-girl threesome break out at a mudwrestling contest. I cannot wait to tell my grandkids that story and show them pics to prove it. That said, uggos wanting attention who make out deserve to be tarred, feathered, and spat on.

Anonymous said...

perfect example of an acceptable girl-on-girl make out

http://www.collegehumor.com/picture:1613488

Bros Def said...

great great great post

one of the best party brotivities is picking two chicks and convincing them to make out when they initially dont want to. the easiest method ive come across is the divide and conquer:

"Yo SlampieceA and SlampieceB you guys should make out! Well nvm SlampieceA would but SlampieceB definitely wouldn't. [to fellow bro] Theres no way SlampieceB would do it but SlampieceA is so cool she def would."

Attacking the self esteem/public image of one bra while praising the other one always does the job, there will be girl on girl action going on within seconds. This has worked for me and my bros 4 times, including twice with the same girl

Anonymous said...

this site is the shittt im confused how there isnt a post on masturbation when your in a slump its clearly a bro move : 8 and all bros love telling storys of how they got caught no homo

Tostal said...

broman polanski i completely agree, between this and Brobible, i've read more on the internet than ever in a book

Genghis Bro said...

classic post NYB. Every bro-pad has a "tweedlefat and tweedledrunk" who graze every once and a while.

I however also agree that real lesbians are bro kryptonite.

Oh and bro with the gay gwen stefani bro name, get lil wayne's name from out yo mouth. you name some good party music but lil wayne does not only spit fire in his rimes he exnibits often bro behavior.

brOrlando said...

How has no one called out BRONANAS (gayest name I've ever seen on this site outside of that fag Henri) for mentioning Backstreet Boys, Disney Songs, and Celine Dion in the same breath as Lil Wayne and Neil Diamond. What a homo.

Also, anyone who did not follow the link of the bro shitting off of the balcony on spring break in the shit post, stop whatever you are doing and watch it.

ASU Sun Bro said...

My frat had a "tweedlefat" that always came around. I was mean as shit to her. After college, we moved to the same city. I ended up giving her a chance, she turned out to be a great girl, and we are now happily married. Bros rule.

Shaquille Bro'nea;l said...

brolando i agree with you completely, nice "henri" name drop ha, that kid was a tool.

as for actual lesbians, not cool. what is cool is two chicks who love dick making out. Might as well be a bullseye as us bro's can sniff out those daddy issues from across a campus or frat row.

in hoc

Gally Pennsylbrovania said...

ASU sun bro. you might as well change your name to ASU i fucking bro hate. If you're not cheating on this half ass slam piece you "married" than you have no right to be on this site. (obviously if she loaded and you are using her for her assets than fine) but I bet you guys plan on having a bro hating baby soon too. When people post shit like that it makes me want to throw on my old lacrosse jersey and go lift. I plan to bro till I die.

-being bro is the shit.

Bro-ham in Md. said...

Great story ASU Sun Bro! Let me get this straight..... You ended up wedding on of you slump busters?!?! NOT BRO! Not only did you ruin you life by getting married, if she was a slump buster, you can def. do better! You should not be on this site! Have fun being married....

Shit is bronanas, B.R.O.N.A.N.A.S. said...

brOlando, the names a joke. So are the bands I named, part of being a bro is showing the world you don't give a fuck about what anyone thinks. That's why putting on gay music at 2am is a must. I couldn't tell you how many times I've gotten dome at a mixer with some sorority thanks to "bye bye bye." yeah, it's ridiculously gay, but guarentee to every bro out there that it is the most surefire way of closing with some sorostitute. It's like putting on lil Wayne. Do I listen to him when i'm just chilling or driving around? No, but at a party it's just part of playing the game. I don't like Wayne because he doesn't even rap, he talks, but I know a lot of bros who love him. Me I'm more into old triple 6 mafia and binary starr and the like. The point is that as a bro, having the balls to do something that brohater pussies would be "too embarrassed" to do, aka look like an asshole singing gay music to girls, is what makes a bro a bro, because we don't give a fuck.

Bro's and Ho's said...

Marriage is for brohaters. Getting brain from two sluts is bro.
Weezy makes the panties drop (Lollipop?) instantly, as does a lot of pop music period. This fucking site is the shit.

BROmethazine said...

Ahh yes....lesbians.
smoked weed for the first time with some lesbians, then watched them make out with eachother. good times

ASU Sun Bro said...

Why all the bro hating on me being married? I'm very happy, it's the best decision I have ever made. All bros have to settle down sometime. Being a 40 year old who tries to hit on 21 yr old girls is not cool... it's creepy. You can prolong this lifestyle, but you cannot maintain it forever.

My wife is now a slam piece. She used to be on the bigger side, but has trimmed down. I put a home gym in our house and make sure she works out everyday while I do. An to the poster above, yes, we do have a baby and are planning for more.

Here's the whole story...

In college she was pretty much a fat, slump buster. I'd bang her, all my frat bros would bang her, my one bro even shit on her. Anyways, years later, I join match.com. I then see her on there, we talk, meet, date, marry... and now here we are today.

Even though I am married, I am still a bro. Keep it up broskies.

gally pennsylbrovania said...

dis-fucking-grace.

WOW. said...

Wow, I'm pretty sure my brain just died a little bit reading this. What in the fucking world?

Jim Bro Laws said...

ASU sun bro, your bro license is hereby revoked. You married a frat potato who got shit on. The mother of your child was deficated on. Plus she was fat. PLUS you met her on match.com you nerd. I hope this is an elaborate tall tail, or even better, you just married this girl so you can pull some overly-elaborate hilarious prank on her.

For bro's sake, you married a fat gangbangee who has a poop fetish who you re-met online! Jimmy Christmas.

The Brethren said...

I hope you are joking. I've never posted on this site for fear of looking like a bro-hater, but WTF? Let me ask you a question, can you prolong the lifestyle of an American patriot for life? OF COURSE, dumbshit! Therefore, you can definitely be a Bro for life. You said that a 40 yr old Bro banging a 21 yr old slam piece is creepy (The older he is, the more Bro King he is). You said you married a fat chick your friends used to literally shit on, and you knew about it(you are so fucking sad, and apparently a shiteater). You said you joined match.com: to get married (its reserved for DOFFs to get laid based on their hilarious personality, and obviously not for marriage). You said you're having ANOTHER baby (biggest bro haters of all time). And you name yourself after the most embarrassing school in the PAC-10. Don't get me started on those midgets. Holy Shit. I bet you're an over-achieving, lower level manager with a lack of connection with your employees. You reek of mid-life Ed-Hardyism and I bet you drive some sort of hybrid. It disgusts me that someone let you in on broslikethissite.com. Whoever was forced to show this site to their micro-managing, "40" year old boss because he was asking you "what's hip these days" has betrayed the lifeblood of this site. ASU Sun Bro, delete yourself.

Anonymous said...

Is this guy fucking serious

Bro Favre said...

I'm not feeling this one NYB. Some of the biggest bro haters of all time are lesbians. Hilary clinton-one of the biggest bro haters on this planet, Martha Burk-bitch who tried to get into augusta national because she munched more rug than any of the male members and level 5 bro hater, and Lindsey Lohan's girlfriend-terrible for stealing such a fine slampiece from men everywhere and bro hating harder than harry potter. These worthless whores are all excellent examples of why this should instead be hating lesbians. Sure chicks making out is cool, but the idea of it represents some of the biggest bro haters out there. I'm not going to support some busted chicks making out, instead i will ruin there lives and blast the shit out of those dinosaurs. Remember, lesbians are a bro's worst mortal enemy.

HFF

ASU Sun Bro said...

@ The Brethren...

Fuck yeah I drive a hybrid. Not a pussy Prius, my hybrid is fast as shit and guarantee it is faster & cooler than your car. Quit being a bro hater. We're all bros here, lets support each other, not hate each other.

Shaquille bro'neal said...

Bros are smart as shit and any of u "bros" out there that think asu sun bro is being serious needs to get of this site and go back to their cubicle to sell insurance or begin to cold call again.

Jorge BROsada said...

bros are the shit

Anonymous said...

I could not agree more with Jorge BROsada

Anonymous said...

Come on fellow bros. ASU Sun Bro is obviously joking. I thought bros were supposed to be smart as shit.....

Headi Master BROda said...

There needs to be some clarification here. Lesbians are big tittied skinny bras that love performing in front of bros and cell phone cameras. Fuckin dykes are the fat nasty short haired lumberjack and hiking boot wearing bitches. Confusing the two is instant grounds for bein called a bitch and a bro hater. Bros are the shit.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that bros are the shit.

Bro's and Ho's said...

To NYB and all the real bros, this website makes me proud to be an American. Happy fucking holidays

The Notorious B.R.O said...

fucking love being a bro!

Mean Bro Green said...

Oh shit ASU, that was your wife I took a dump on? Thought it was the just a really large couch. I was just fulfilling my duties as a bro to take a dump in random places.

Big "Bro" Jeezy said...

Always video tape that shit. I know we never miss an opportunity to make amateur porn debuts of facebook! Bro's fuckin rule!

chillaxin said...

this is an amazing post and we just highlighted you guys on our post about fratting hard http://reallychill.org/fratting-hard/2-fratting-hard/

Costakins. said...

lmao good post. Bisexuals > Lesbos

Bro Fraterno said...

first of all classic post NYB lesbians are always cool whether or not they have slam piece status. Second of all the fact that you left the slam pieces to cheer on the dykes only makes the post that much more frat. I gotta say bravo bro.
Lesbos are the shit

Lucky Bro said...

Ok see my life is awsome. i like to think of myself as the luckiest bro, Cuz i'm dating a hott ass chick who has blonde hair, blue eyes, big tits, tiny waist. Oh AND she is Bi sexual and is totally willing to tell me bout all her sexy lesbian hook ups. She isnt one of those "say im bi cuz i kissed a girl once back in school" she is actual getting down to business and fuckin a chick. She goes to the gym and ALWAYS looks her best and has never come to my house in sweat pants or anything, it's always mini skirts or tight jeans and showin some cleavage! plus she is one birthcontrol so i never have to worry about becoming a daddy. Soo i'm counting that as a win! I love this chick. i have to agree with the other guys
Bisexual > Lesbians

Christopher Brolumbus said...

I would like to put forth a motion that it is utterly brotacular to bring a hot lesbian chick who had been dyking it all the way for a period of time back to the winning team of getting slammed by bros. This has happened once to me, and it was totally fucking awesome. Hot ex-lesbian sluts rule, and love real bro dick even more after a trip to the land of bumping cunts.

Anonymous said...

a Brittany Murphy overdose joke right out of the gate... bros are the shit!

The Man With Bro Name said...

Spot on, NYB. Bros love lesbians.

But only the hot ones. There is nothing more repulsive than two dykey fatties making out. Ugh. Totally ruins the whole thing.

Case in point: Me and my Bros were having a beer pong tourney on a Fraturday, and these two hot slampieces from down the street were getting dared to make out with each other. Eventually they gave in and started going at it, to which the Bros started chanting "LES-BI-ANS! LES-BI-ANS!"

Then these two ugly fatties saw all the attention they were getting and decided to do the same thing, but none of the Bros were interested in seeing these ugly bitches kiss each other, so we started chanting "NO-FAT-CHICKS!!! NO-FAT-CHICKS!!!"

They ran out of the party crying. Hahahaha.

Bros are the shit.

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