It’s Saturday night. You and your bros have been having the time of your fucking lives playing #6 beer pong all afternoon. Sure you’ve played like 16 games and it’s only 7 o’clock, but you’re a fucking legend, so you’re barely even buzzed. After crushing the six cases you guys had for the day, it’s time for a beer run. You tell your bros to go get the fucking beer since you fucking own them. While they make their way out the door like the fucking bitches they are, you and your bro take a seat on the couch and watch some Jeopardy so you can make fun of all the fucking #80 losers on the show. After about 10 minutes of using your hands to give yourself glasses and screaming “NERDS!!!” at the TV, you decide this party needs some fucking slam pieces. Before you can even start texting bitches, you get one reading, “WE RRRR DRRRRUNNNKK!!! WHAT RRR YOU DOOOINNGG???” Oh God - its Heather and Jen – better #28 known to your bros as “Tweedlefat and Tweedledrunk.”
You don’t respond, but you know they can smell the blood in the water. Instead, you invite over a shitload of other slam pieces. As the party gets going you are impressing the shit out of all the bitches by sinking cup after cup and yelling out some sort of #20 quote from a Will Ferrell movie after each hit. This blond girl keeps staring at you and obviously wants a piece but you can’t remember her name to save your life. Just as you’re introducing yourself for the third time that hour you hear the door swing wide open – it’s Tweedlefat and Tweedledrunk. They’re looking for dick. As the barnyard animals graze closer to the beer pong table someone gets a bowl out and puts in on the floor so the pigs can “drink from their trough,” but they’re too drunk to notice. They are concerned with one thing and one thing alone: getting attention. After trying to call next, you inform them that “beer pong is for humans, not mythical beasts,” so they back away. Even though everyone is actively letting them know they are not welcome, there’s no retreating to Wonderland for these twins. They decide there’s only one way they can become the stars of this party: making out with each other.
Your bro taps you and points. At first you’re disgusted – it’s fucking Tweedlefat and Tweedledrunk. There’s nothing to see here, but slowly you become intrigued. These two are really fucking going at it. You want to look away but you can’t. You’re trapped like a deer in headlights. As you and your bros start to back away from the slam pieces you were talking to and converge on the two girls entrenched in desperate plea for approval, you start a slow clap, then the cat calls come which in turn lead to the triumphant chant of “Les-bi-ans!!” There’s no turning back now. These two former party-lepers are now the fucking main attraction. That’s because they found the key to any true bros’ heart. Bros fucking love Lesbians.
Ask any bro why he fucking loves Lesbians so much and he’ll undoubtedly have a tough time telling you. It’s just an unexplainable phenomenon, but it’s a staple in any true bro’s life. Pretty much any time there’s a chance that girls might be kissing you better believe bros are going to crowd around them chanting and videotaping that shit. Witnessing a girl on girl make out session is a fucking milestone in any bros life. Bros can't even remember their parents’ fucking birthdays, but they’ll never forget exactly where they were when Britney and Madonna made out.
While bros fully support drunken Lesbianism at parties and in the arts (Girls Gone Wild,) you better believe there's a line. Believe it or not, Lesbians are not all 19-year-old girls looking to experiment after a little too much Boone’s Farm. Although they fully support their anti-dick beliefs, bros do not find anything hot about actual Lesbians. For some reason, thinking about two girls who look like John Kruk circa 1993 getting it on just doesn’t do it for bros.
Bros fully recognize that Lesbians are an extremely integral part of society. Whether they are faking just to get famous (Anne Heche,) running for President (Hilary,) or inspiring some of the greatest movies ever made (Where the Boys Aren’t Vol. 1-5, 8) Lesbians are an integral part of society. Even though they are everywhere, there is only one place where their passion can truly be observed and celebrated: an attention-starved drunken make-out session in front of a bunch of chanting bros. Who says romance is dead?