Wednesday, April 7, 2010

#113 Tiger Woods

Bros don’t give a shit about the news. Have you ever tried to watch CNN? It’s fucking boring as shit. All they ever talk about is bombs going off in some country that no one has ever fucking heard of or a bunch of bullshit about how the economy sucks. Fucking please. If the economy is so bad then why the fuck do I still have like 200 thousand dollars in my trust fund? Some day bros will control the media. Then we'll finally be able to report on stories that are actually worth reporting – like when the record for most beers funneled at one time is broken or Youtube videos of people getting hurt. In the meantime, bros must accept that 90% of every newscast is just a bunch of bullshit, with the other 10% of course being Sports. While this may be the case, there are some news stories that rise above all the bullshit filler. On November 27, 2009 bros hit the fucking jackpot. It was on this day that one of our favorite athletes, video games, and Gatorade flavors became so much more. It was on this day that Tiger Woods became the fucking man. As news emerged about the porn stars, reality TV sluts, and waitresses from shitty restaurants that Tiger had banged, bro-haters across the world decided to judge him by spewing brocial slurs such as “sinner,” “sexual deviant,” “liar,” “creep,” or “pervert.” While all these hateful words emerged across the country, there were only two words that came to any true bro’s mind: “Bro. King.” Bros fucking love Tiger Woods.

Over the past few months, while earthquakes and disasters have swept the globe, the media has been focused on one thing: Bro-Hating. You can't go to the fucking grocery store these days without walking by a magazine proclaiming Elin Nordegren or Sandra Bullock to be a fucking victim after their “savage and asshole husbands” cheated on them. Give me a fucking break. What the fuck did you think he was going to do? When a guy's last wife was a fucking tatted up porn star, do you really think that he's going to remain faithful to you just because you saved the day in "Speed?" Hell fucking no. And when Tiger Woods got caught did one athlete come forward to condemn him for his actions other than Jesper "I pimp out my nanny to get in with Tiger's sponsors" Parnevik? Nope. And why do you think that is? That's right - because every fucking athlete cheats on his wife. It doesn't matter who you are, if you are a straight man and some hot slam piece throws herself at you, you better believe you’re gonna book those one way tickets on Orbitz to Pound Town. It's called nature, bitches.

"But NYB, what about the commitment they make to their wives by getting married?" First - shut the fuck up and get back on that elliptical you fat bitch.The last thing the shore needs this summer is another fucking beached whale. Secondly, bros realize that marriage, much like #75 dating, is part of society's plan to control us. Why the fuck would Tiger Woods get married? Because society said he had to. What do you think people would say if Tiger was single at age 33? Sure its worked for Derek Jeter, but honestly I feel as though Jeter has a little classier taste than Tiger. How would it look if Tiger sank a putt on the 72nd hole to win at Augusta only to have the breakout star of "Annie's Anal Adventures, Vol. 26" sprinting on the green to congratulate him?

I’m fucking tired of all the bullshit saying how Elin’s heart is broken. Yeah, fucking right. Is she seriously saying she would have “fallen in love” with Tiger had he not been worth a fucking billion dollars. Tiger’s the real victim here. Just because he got caught acting like the Bro King that he is, he’s probably going to have to pay his wife millions of dollars. For what? What the fuck did she do to earn that shit? Nothing. Not to mention the whole thing about her trying to kill him and Tiger covering her ass. Bottom line – Elin is a menace to society and should be fucking deported.

Now, I don’t think anyone would disagree with the fact that society hates bros. So in society’s quest to eliminate the bro population, it has developed a type of therapy to try to change bros’ ways, breaking down everything that makes them who they are so they can fit in better with exactly what society thinks they should be. They call it Sex Rehab. To me, Sex Rehab is nothing different than those gay conversion camps that hardcore Christians send their kids to. It's all fucking bullshit. Seriously, what the fuck goes on there? Do they show them porn and shock their balls whenever they sprout wood so they learn to hate sex? What really pisses me off is when people say Tiger is such "an animal" because he cheated on his wife when she was six months pregnant. I mean, come on, what the fuck was he supposed to do? Who the fuck wants to bang a pregnant lady? That’s some seriously deviant shit. If you ask me the people who are banging the six-month pregnant women are the ones who should be in rehab. Fucking sickos.

Bros have always supported Tiger Woods, but it took a late night Ambien and Vicodin fueled car crash to truly open every bros’ eyes. This weekend as he makes a comeback against all odds with society constantly judging his every move, bro everywhere will be there to support their fallen Bro King. For years, only the #94 Token Black Bro wearing the Nike hat and red shirt on #Halloween for the sixth straight year were able to make the claim. But now, thanks to his sacrifice for the rights of his fellow bros everywhere, we are all now able to honestly declare: “I am Tiger Woods.” Your throne awaits, Tiger. Fire away.

79 comments:

Anonymous said...

so fucking true NYB. played golf these weekend and all i could think about was how fucking awesome it would be to finish these 18 holes, go drink some beers, and then stick it in 18 different holes. Tiger Woods is a king among Bro Kings

Anonymous said...

Damn if there is any post on this website that truly belongs here it is this one... but NYB i must say you are a little late on this one

Anonymous said...

First. Tiger woods is a god plain and simple amazing post nyb. Gonna win a other masters bro hatred

Arvydas SaBROnis said...

Post as good as always, NYB. Other bro-king athletes worthy of mentioning:

Steve McNair: he fucking died cheating on his wife (Bro-Titan i would say)
Karl Malone: he was spreadin his sperm in slampieces in Utah....a BLACK man in UTAH
Shawn Kemp: 9 kids with 11 different women (but no one really knos how many)

On a separate note, no one listens to a fucking bro-hater named "Jasper" who cant wear a hat correctly.

Arvydas SaBROnis said...

also gotta throw Wilt Chamberlain in there, scoring 100 points and slamming 20,000 women

JimBro Fisher said...

Tiger defines Bro King. I wish I could be in Augusta #4 Chanting my balls off. "BRO KING! BRO KING!"

pervert for banging slampieces while his bitch was pregnant? I don't fucking think so. And neither does Kenny Powers.

KP: "Cassie, what would you have said if someone asked you out when you were engaged?"
Cassie: "Well I was pregnant when Dustin proposed to me..."
KP: "Yeah you're right, who's gonna wanna stick that?"

Martha Burk: make me a sandwich said...

I'm so torn on this.

Bro King=
- slaying tons of slampieces
- prescription drugs
- being the PGA's TBB
- bitching out inferior people for taking pictures during the backswing
- driving under the influence
- drinking powerade at Augusta to spite Gatorade
- still winning the Masters

Bro Hater=
-Getting beaten by a scandanavian woman
-Of all people, choosing to fuck porn stars. What the fuck. It's one thing to watch porn, it's something completely different to stick some P in a V that probably has the clap due to Ron Jeremy.
-Giving into society by apologizing and paying his wife money. C'mon Eldrick, you live in a $38 million dollar house. You are the richest and most dominant athlete in the world. Nut up and be a man.

I'm sick of the tv tabloids. Finally it's back to just Tiger Woods hitting a rock with a stick on a golf course.

Fratrick Broneill said...

Outdid yourself again NYB!
You're so fuckin' money.

Broasis said...

Woods is a fucking bro king and one only needs to look at his text messages with that porn sloot to see that.

http://deadspin.com/5496451/sexting-tiger-threatened-to-slap-spank-bite-and-fuck-till-mercy

Scott Brolzein said...

Just to throw one more name in there..Magic Johnson is a bro, he fucked many different slam pieces and obviously never used a condom because he has one of the biggest brohater diseases now, HIV.


although his basketball commenting gets old quickly.

Anonymous said...

Broasis, if you didn't get to it first I would have. I read those text messages yesterday, and even for me they were a bit graphic. Yet, I still laughed my balls off. Tiger is so fucking affluent, and we should all take lessons from those text messages. He fucking asks her if she has ever had a golden shower...fucking hilarious.

Anyway, since when is sex a fucking problem. These bro-haters need to take a basic bio class to learn that genetically, sex is meant to be enjoyable so that organisms reproduce. Fucking dumbass bro-hating media.

NYB you have certainly done it again.

Living with Balls said...

You're only as faithful as your options. That's why athletes should never get married. Not until they are like 50. Then they should go marry a 25-year old broad with large fake breasts.

Lindsay Brohan said...

TRUTH. first thing all my friends texted each other: "Tiger Woods: BRO KING"

Scott BROsius said...

Standing ovation, NYB. Could not have been said any better. I think it was the best time to post this one because a lot of details are out about his dominance of countless women and he is teeing off tomorrow in what will be an interesting return. The Masters is gonna be great this year.

Brandon BROy said...

Okay, Magic Johnson is NOT a bro. Him and Isiah Thomas used to kiss before games, he was definately bi. Pretty sure this makes him the anti-bro. and even though everyone hates the fucking yankees, derek jeter is a bro king. pulls the hottest celebrity ass ever then throws them to the curb after a few months.

brandon BROy said...

forgot to mention john daly. plays golf and just gets fucked up. gambles millions away but it doesn't matter because he's rich as shit.

Napoleon BROnaparte said...

2 things. First, one text posted on textsfromlastnight.com, which was posted the day after Tiger recently apologized on national TV, is very fitting and I wish it would have went down like this to make Tiger even more of a Bro King:

(902): Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.

2nd, here is a link to an article about another former pro athlete AKA a Bro King and his life as one. Enjoy:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/04/02/bernie-carboi-was-on-drug_n_523784.html

Anonymous said...

EPIC. I have been waiting soo long it seems for a Tiger Woods post and as per usual, NYB, you have delivered. God bless this site

Anonymous said...

First off, there is no grounds for dispute over Tiger Wood's bro-hood- NYB I couldn't agree more with this post.

But I pose a deeper question:

Are Golden Showers considered bro?

You can see from Tiger's texts that he was eager to take a leak on his pornstar mistress.

I believe it's a bro move in the since that it's demeaning to slam pieces, but in my life I usually abide by the rule you don't shit/piss where you sleep/fuck. Any theories?

Bro's are the shit.

Anonymous said...

Going to be rocking my Tiger: Bro King shirt all weekend for the masters

Effmanny, King of All Bros said...

Tiger Woods allegedly slept with his neighbor's 21-year-old daughter just a few yards away from his own house, according to RadarOnline:

http://thesuperficial.com/2010/04/tiger_woods_banged_his_neighbo.php

Anonymous said...

dont forget Antonio Cromartie to the list of bro king athletes...7 children wit 6 different women

Anonymous said...

best post on this website so far
nyb your so fuckin money

JimBro Fisher said...

BROnaparte, that Carboi most certainly is a bro. Taking a typical fraturday morning to the dome before playing in the World Series. Epic.

But take a gander at wild man Dock Ellis.

Throws a no-hitter on acid.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vUhSYLRw14

Anonymous said...

Tiger Woods is a definite Bro King and every mans BROle model.

brotuna said...

nyb this post was the shit. everyday i wonder why people hate tiger woods for being fucking awesome. that slut elin deserves nothing and should stay in the fucking kitchen

Anonymous said...

Best one yet, hands down.

Anonymous said...

only real bro kings get there own topic. Way to go tiger, true bro king

Anonymous said...

No doubt Tiger's the fucking man, and it goes without question that he's a Bro King.. but should he be something more?

Between being literally "the best" athlete on the planet, and slaying countless slam pieces while on a hot streak.. I'd motion to upgrade his status from Bro King, to Bro God.

Who's with me?

NO CONDOM said...

OK, so we all know that bros like 105 lying. I've told over 7 girls that I love them, just so I could fuck them and leave them the next day. Quit giving Tiger shit for apologizing. His apologies will probably get him $10 million in endorsements.

Anonymous said...

Bro God fo sho

Tiger BROods said...

Clearly society can't handles a successful black athlete going around slaying slores around the country. Amazing post NYB

Anonymous said...

NYB, UNREAL post. Every Bro knows that Tiger is the man and fuck society for trying to make us think otherwise. ps I was the token black bro that was Tiger for Halloween and I plan on wearing my black Nike hat and red shirt Thursday - Sunday.

Anonymous said...

Tiger was seen drinking Powerade during his practice rounds. Fuck Gatorade for dumping him.

Rush LimBRO said...

Tiger will make more money long term because he slammed tons of chicks while his wife was knocked up. Thats bro king.

BRO Schembechler said...

Tiger once again showed us that athletes can basically do whatever they want and get away with it, thus making them consummate Bro's. Fucking slampieces? Goes without saying. Being fucked up while still dominating your sport? Let's not forget David Wells' perfect game being hungover as balls. More importantly, the Najeh Davenport saga?

http://www.wired.com/science/discoveries/news/2002/10/56096

Mark Dougherty said...

Epic post. This shit is exactly what I needed. Gotta give credit where credits due.
http://adeliciousblend.blogspot.com/2010/04/bro-mographics.html

Anonymous said...

to Martha Burk

the only reason i want a billion dollars is so i can stick my p in porn star's vs

Anonymous said...

Tiger has eternalized his spot upon the bro king throne. Can't wait till all the slam pieces vj has fucked to start calling the tabloids. Broking Singh

Broslikethissite.com said...

Wow NO CONDOM, great point. And great nickname, too. We need more bros like you and Tiger in this world. You could be the first bro news reporter.

Anonymous said...

ELDRICK FUckin WOODS... some call him Tiger, I call him the bro king. half black, half asian, full bro. this buds for you Tiger.

Anonymous said...

Whats truly amazing and commendable in this situation is the fact that Tiger kept it a secret for so long AND didn't knock up a single slam-piece (that we know of).... fucking champ

Anonymous said...

Dude Santonio Holmes is probably one of the biggest bros in the NFL. 3 illegitimate kids before living high school

C-3PBro said...

Tiger defines the phrase Bro-King. The man literally made slampieces in every city he would go to. He probably didn't even have their names in his phone, just the city they lived in. Elin needs to slow her fucking roll, she didn't do anything for all that fucking money. Tiger will keep her around to keep his endorsements and make fucking bank but YOU KNOW he is still taking slampieces to poundtown at every tournament. Elin is not at the Masters...Tiger it slaying. Tiger Woods...Bro fucking King.

John McEnBRO said...

the Bro FUCKING king gets cheers as he walks out

Trippin' on BRObotussin said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1I-oljwp8c

A True testament to Tiger's Brotitude

Anonymous said...

what tigers new ad should have been... tony montana+ tiger= bro hall of fame

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNEA8p6Tuz4&feature=player_embedded

chad brohan said...

hahah epic post as usal. tiger is truly a god amongst bros. have u broheims seen all the spoofs of the nike ad? hilarious shit:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ei3k8utzd8Y
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twzJQAW0HNc

Anonymous said...

deportation is spot on, that crazy bitch attacked him with a golf club, if I did that shit to my (perhaps future) wife id be locked up for years

deport or jail? that is the real question

Anonymous said...

where is a tiger woods bro king shirt damn it

Brolan Smith said...

It can't get much more bro then this.

http://backporch.fanhouse.com/2010/04/09/father-6-year-old-son-subjected-to-couple-having-sex-in-stadiu/

The best part of the story is when the guy emerges from the stall with "his arms raised in victory." Fucking BRO KING!

Anonymous said...

Just a fun fact... tiger was to nervous to ask elin out on a date so he had his friend (maybe jesper.. not sure) do it... Not to diss on Tiger at all I would have no fucking idea what to say to a dime piece and he lives on a golf course all day, but there is no way Elin thought that was romantic. She saw dollar bills and her whorish swedish ways so an opportunity... Fuck bitches, there hot but all they want is money

William Jefferson Clinton said...

If Tiger wins the Masters...

Maximus BROridius said...

Dude Tiger is not a Bro..... Loredana Jolie, one of Tiger Woods' alleged mistresses, is preparing a book that promises to level a number of significant claims about the world-famous golfer. Jolie will say that she saw Woods have sexual encounters with men, according to RadarOnline.com. She says she will describe Tiger's "healthy appetite for arranged sex,While nobody else has ... See Moreyet accused Tiger of having sexual relationships with other men, he allegedly thought about another of his mistresses, Rachel Uchitel (PHOTOS), having sex with two men at once. He reportedly emailed Uchitel expressing his fantasy of her having a threesome (he used more colorful language) with Derek Jeter and other high profile athletes......................
Totally not bro

Anonymous said...

I'm quite surprised nobody in the comments has mentioned the new meaning to the phrase "Go get 'em, Tiger!"

Epic post. As everyone else said.

Brotorious NIG said...

Chipper Jones with that bitch from Hooters: Bro King

VREX said...

you guys should have a tv show called " Bros Watch This Show"
itd be the greatest fucking shit ever and id invite all my bros over and get hammered while watching the greatest show in the history of the planet..

Brotorious BIG said...

who else heard Tiger call a reporter bro during his first Masters press conference? i rewound that shit to hear it repeated ... fuckin worthy king in my book

Anonymous said...

VREX is on to something, I would definitely watch that show. This could also be a book that bros would read voluntarily/with out sparknotes. I mean, ya already did the hard part might as well get paid.

not lebrowski, the dude said...

Idk bros, can a bro be Budhist? I feel like this causes some serious problems. I'm going to go with one of the bros above and say Daly is the real bro of golf.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YWsg4p-BNdI

The only way this gets more bro is if he had shotgunned it after he teed off.

Antonio Bromartie said...

NYB you should make up a Mount Rushmore of bros. No doubt Tiger would have to be on there. All hail Tiger Woods, BRO KING!!

Anonymous said...

The bro show you want already exists. It's called Eastbound & Down.

Anonymous said...

Eli manning is the ultimate bro, Family is loaded, fratted hard at olemiss and was a bad ass athlete, and hes still making his own bank to

fratrunner said...

tiger has already won the masters...the Slay Masters

SteveBro said...

Needs to broslam some more slampieces to get that swagger back. If he were doin work in the bedroom he would have won the Masters.

Anonymous said...

nobody has mentioned former NFL running back Travis Henry. 11 kids by 10 different women and is currently facing 3 years for cocaine charges.

Anonymous said...

Tiger is a fucking God! With all the HIV shit out there, everyone goes on about condoms, but Bro's got it figured out. Let all the faggots who sit around worrying wear condoms with a bitch. Then, a Bro can come around and bust wad in that piece. Tiger's got so much money and pull, I bet he could carry morning after pills and pay bitches to take them in front of him.

Dude, if I can't bang waitresses and club skanks with no rubber, then I don't want to live anyway! Tiger is the king, now divorce that Swedish twat, and get the party started!

fuck anonymous said...

F.Y.I., the world record is 4 beers in one funnel, set by me. Im a champion.

Anonymous said...

Eli is a complete baby-face pussy. first of all he looks like hes twelve. secondly, he bitched and moaned about getting drafted to a bad team cause he didnt wanna get injured. meanwhile rivers has no problem going to the chargers because true bros dont feel physical pain. eli may have a ring, but ill never consider him a bro solely because of that. that being said im sure he was a serious frat star at ole miss and destroyed all the pussy that campus had to offer.

and back to topic there was some dickhead up in his tower talking about how tiger wasnt a bro cause he banged pornstars instead of classy girls? he should know that all girls are dirty little sluts, pornstars just exploit this genetic character trait and choose to profit off of it.

The Notorious B.R.O said...

First off, NYB, great fucking post. Tiger is lord of the bros. He slays as much pussy as he wants, drives his car fucked up, and even though he is dead he still #14 talks about how important his father is.

Second Bong an entire champagne bottle celebrating an intramural football victory then talk to me.

And Finally as much as i hate Eli because im from philly and i love #26 Blindly Hating Opposing Fans. He is no doubt a bro. He wanted to go to new york and bros get what they want. and once again we see a bro reminding the bro haters who is father is. what a fucking bro.

VillaBROva said...

best post on the whole site NYB

does anybody question how tiger hurt his shoulder or elbow or whatever the fuck he hurt? absolutely not, he was trying to nail all 18 girls at the same time.. tigers the fucking man

Anonymous said...

Magic may not be a real bro. I lived in L.A. and everyone knows Santa Monica has the dudes dressed as chicks. Eddie Murphy knew what he was pickin up. Magic and Eddie are best buds. You know what I'm sayin....May not be gay but like Eddie, may like experimentin.

brozzuca said...

I'm writing a paper for my bullshit english class right about how all the bro-haters need to back the fuck off and stop hating on Tiger because he went to the poundtown express and railed some slampieces. Tiger is a bro KING, and has earned the respect of all bros.

Charles BROnson said...

Tiger Woods pledged Sigma Chi while he was at Stanford. In hoc, bitches.

Shaquille brO'Neal said...

Tiger, ma man! What a bro.
I mean, god damn the media for being such bro-haters.
Although if there's anything a bro knows, negative attention is still attention. Like what happend with the guy I used to play with in LA LA land.
Anyone there will tell you that our Colorado trip was a bro-tacular time!

Jonathan said...

Too bad John Daly is the real bro king. Four marriages, reportedly drank a fifth of Jack every day when he was 23, gambling addiction. Makes Tiger Woods look like a friggin altar boy

Anonymous said...

I'm a woman, and personally think that Tiger Woods is fucking genius bro. The only reason he got married, was so he'd always have a guaranteed bitch to come home to after a 'slow night'.

Anonymous said...

Tiger Woods was reported being backstage at multiple Nickleback concerts.

Listening to Nickleback is the antithesis of bro, let alone actually attending their shitty concerts with a bunch of GDI's.

Anonymous said...

Best t shirt ever.

It has an outline of some hotass bitch on it and in big bold letters it says "TIGER WOULD"

The bitches even love it, every time i wear it I go to Poundtown.

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