Bros don’t give a shit about the news. Have you ever tried to watch CNN? It’s fucking boring as shit. All they ever talk about is bombs going off in some country that no one has ever fucking heard of or a bunch of bullshit about how the economy sucks. Fucking please. If the economy is so bad then why the fuck do I still have like 200 thousand dollars in my trust fund? Some day bros will control the media. Then we'll finally be able to report on stories that are actually worth reporting – like when the record for most beers funneled at one time is broken or Youtube videos of people getting hurt. In the meantime, bros must accept that 90% of every newscast is just a bunch of bullshit, with the other 10% of course being Sports. While this may be the case, there are some news stories that rise above all the bullshit filler. On November 27, 2009 bros hit the fucking jackpot. It was on this day that one of our favorite athletes, video games, and Gatorade flavors became so much more. It was on this day that Tiger Woods became the fucking man. As news emerged about the porn stars, reality TV sluts, and waitresses from shitty restaurants that Tiger had banged, bro-haters across the world decided to judge him by spewing brocial slurs such as “sinner,” “sexual deviant,” “liar,” “creep,” or “pervert.” While all these hateful words emerged across the country, there were only two words that came to any true bro’s mind: “Bro. King.” Bros fucking love Tiger Woods.
Over the past few months, while earthquakes and disasters have swept the globe, the media has been focused on one thing: Bro-Hating. You can't go to the fucking grocery store these days without walking by a magazine proclaiming Elin Nordegren or Sandra Bullock to be a fucking victim after their “savage and asshole husbands” cheated on them. Give me a fucking break. What the fuck did you think he was going to do? When a guy's last wife was a fucking tatted up porn star, do you really think that he's going to remain faithful to you just because you saved the day in "Speed?" Hell fucking no. And when Tiger Woods got caught did one athlete come forward to condemn him for his actions other than Jesper "I pimp out my nanny to get in with Tiger's sponsors" Parnevik? Nope. And why do you think that is? That's right - because every fucking athlete cheats on his wife. It doesn't matter who you are, if you are a straight man and some hot slam piece throws herself at you, you better believe you’re gonna book those one way tickets on Orbitz to Pound Town. It's called nature, bitches.
"But NYB, what about the commitment they make to their wives by getting married?" First - shut the fuck up and get back on that elliptical you fat bitch.The last thing the shore needs this summer is another fucking beached whale. Secondly, bros realize that marriage, much like #75 dating, is part of society's plan to control us. Why the fuck would Tiger Woods get married? Because society said he had to. What do you think people would say if Tiger was single at age 33? Sure its worked for Derek Jeter, but honestly I feel as though Jeter has a little classier taste than Tiger. How would it look if Tiger sank a putt on the 72nd hole to win at Augusta only to have the breakout star of "Annie's Anal Adventures, Vol. 26" sprinting on the green to congratulate him?
I’m fucking tired of all the bullshit saying how Elin’s heart is broken. Yeah, fucking right. Is she seriously saying she would have “fallen in love” with Tiger had he not been worth a fucking billion dollars. Tiger’s the real victim here. Just because he got caught acting like the Bro King that he is, he’s probably going to have to pay his wife millions of dollars. For what? What the fuck did she do to earn that shit? Nothing. Not to mention the whole thing about her trying to kill him and Tiger covering her ass. Bottom line – Elin is a menace to society and should be fucking deported.
Now, I don’t think anyone would disagree with the fact that society hates bros. So in society’s quest to eliminate the bro population, it has developed a type of therapy to try to change bros’ ways, breaking down everything that makes them who they are so they can fit in better with exactly what society thinks they should be. They call it Sex Rehab. To me, Sex Rehab is nothing different than those gay conversion camps that hardcore Christians send their kids to. It's all fucking bullshit. Seriously, what the fuck goes on there? Do they show them porn and shock their balls whenever they sprout wood so they learn to hate sex? What really pisses me off is when people say Tiger is such "an animal" because he cheated on his wife when she was six months pregnant. I mean, come on, what the fuck was he supposed to do? Who the fuck wants to bang a pregnant lady? That’s some seriously deviant shit. If you ask me the people who are banging the six-month pregnant women are the ones who should be in rehab. Fucking sickos.
Bros have always supported Tiger Woods, but it took a late night Ambien and Vicodin fueled car crash to truly open every bros’ eyes. This weekend as he makes a comeback against all odds with society constantly judging his every move, bro everywhere will be there to support their fallen Bro King. For years, only the #94 Token Black Bro wearing the Nike hat and red shirt on #Halloween for the sixth straight year were able to make the claim. But now, thanks to his sacrifice for the rights of his fellow bros everywhere, we are all now able to honestly declare: “I am Tiger Woods.” Your throne awaits, Tiger. Fire away.