Wednesday, March 31, 2010

#112 Theme Parties

It’s Tuesday morning. For the first time all semester, you’re up before one. But unlike some fucking bro-hater the reason you’re up isn’t to go to class. You want to see the carnage. Last night got a little fucking crazy. After four solid hours of taking shots and debating whether the 300 pound redneck waitress had ever seen a penis that wasn’t her incestuous father’s, one of your bros decided it would be a good idea to challenge some big ass black dude to a break dancing contest. Everything was going well until Round 3 where your bro had to compensate for his whiteness and obvious break dancing disadvantage by pulling of the impossible: sliding across the floor using ONLY the top of his head. It was a bold move – and he nearly pulled that shit off. Much like most shitty bars – this particular establishment had a shitload of broken glass all over the fucking floor, which lodged itself into your bro’s scalp. It was hard to tell if he didn’t want to lose the contest or if he was just too drunk to feel feelings, but god damn it if he didn’t want to finish that competition. He hopped up from the floor only to meet his opponent’s glare or horror and disbelief. Your bro asked, “What the fuck is wrong with you? Did Tyler Perry die or something?” That’s when he finally felt the blood streaming down his face. After laughing maniacally and screaming “I’M HAVING A HEAD PERIOD!!!” for about 20 minutes, you and your bros #83 turned against every bro bone in your body and sent him to the hospital.

For some reason the bro-haters at the hospital kept him all night. Some bullshit about “hospital policy” and that they were “scared for his mental well-being” or something. You don’t give a fuck. Only thing you care about is seeing that fucking scar on his head. As your bro finally gets home just in time to watch some new hilarious Youtube clip you found, he stops everyone and demands to be heard.

“Bros – last night was one of the craziest times of my fucking life. When you are lying in that hospital bed bleeding all over the bed because of a drunken break-dancing accident, you really learn a lot about yourself. About life. About being a hero. But honestly, if there’s one thing I can take away from this experience it’s this: dudes, nurses are fucking hot as shit.”

As you and your bros all #13 high five each other and start #4 chanting “NUR-SES! NUR-SES!” you all immediately know what has to be done. This weekend it’s time to celebrate your bro’s release from the hospital the only way you know how: it’s time for a “Bro-B-GYNs and Naughty Nurses” party. Bros fucking love theme parties.

To be honest, a bro doesn’t need anything to party other than a cold #19 keg, a couple bros, and some slam pieces to bang. Bros definitely don’t need decorations or any shit like that to have a good time. But every once in a while bros like to mix shit up. That’s where theme parties come into the picture. Now, when I say theme parties I’m not talking about some bullshit like, “everyone get dressed up as your favorite character from ‘Fern Gully’ and come reenact the movie!” And bros definitely don’t have anything to do with any science fiction type “theme parties.” As a matter of fact, if you have even been in a debate involving Star Trek and Star Wars, please leave this website and get back to saving your virginity for marriage. Bros have practical theme parties, like “Anything but Clothes,” “Golf Pros and Tennis Hos” or parties making fun of lesser life forms, like a #100 Guido theme. While you’ll never see a bro send out an evite with some Sex and the City quote inviting you over for a “Few Martini’s with the Girls,” you will see this shit at a bro’s theme party.

Specialty Drinks – Over the past several months we have developed a pretty constant theme: drinking is fucking awesome. But much like a bro could never be expected to settle for just one woman, he’s got to have some variety in what he drinks. While bros fucking love pounding Natty and Bud Light, it’s nice every once in awhile to kick back with a White Russian, and what better place to do that than at a “Big Lebowski” party? While girls and fucking bro-haters might “decorate” their party with balloons and streamers, bros know the only thing they need to make their party legit is special drinks and whatever shit that might be lying around the house that you #2 stole last night.

Girls in Slutty Outfits – Perhaps the only group of people in the world who love theme parties more than bros is the slam pieces that are invited to them. While #86 Halloween is truly the only day that it is socially acceptable for a girl to wear next to nothing and claim to be “in costume,” Theme Parties come in a close second. Much like on Halloween, no matter what the theme of the party, girls will find a way to make that shit slutty as hell. For example, one time I went to a “Barn” party thinking everyone would be dressed up like farmers and shit, only to find out all the girls there decided they would cut up their $200 jeans to give themselves Daisy Dukes just to show off the fact that they eliminated their cellulite over the Winter. While it was nice to see those legs in high heels, it really is a shame that with all our technological advances scientists haven’t developed a treadmill for girls’ faces. If that shit’s not in the new health care plan, it fucking should be.

When making your guest list, it’s important for bros to realize that some fat ugly girls might try to sneak into your party dressed just as slutty as the hot ones. The last thing you need is some fat bitch showing up to your “Superheroes” theme party stuffed into a Catwoman suit. If she does happen to find her way into the party, make sure she knows she’s not welcome by chasing her around the house attempting to “save the pet population” by using your Superhuman powers to spay her. If she #44 cries and yells at you asking why you’re such an asshole, just respond, “Ask Bob Barker, bitch.”

For all you fucking bro-haters out there saying that bros are selfish and don’t care about anyone but themselves, I ask you to look no further to a Theme Party. Bros realize there is nothing a girl loves to do more than dress up as slutty as humanly possible. It’s in their DNA.

Throw the Theme Party. Let them be sluts. You’re welcome, ladies.

64 comments:

Smokey the Bear said...

NYB you are the fucking man. This shit inspired me to live up to the bar you set and throw a fucking BroBGYN and naughty nurses party at IU this weekend. I will even fucking steal a hospital bed to slay some nurse slam on.

Anonymous said...

woo! your the man NYB

Anonymous said...

Bros do, in fact, love themed parties. The redneck party is always killer...you get to make fun of rednecks while the girls dress up like slutty farmer's daughters. BRO KINGS!

FRATTYLAX.BRO said...

Being a rookie in the Bro World, this past summer we did the most common theme party, Ceo's and OFFICE hoes, All the guys looked fratty in Polo button ups and Vineyard vines ties while girls seemed to have a contest with each other of who had the shortest black skirt and who had the tightest white dress shirt. All tied up and showing off black bra's .Best idea ever was to turn up the heat in the Bro Pad and No girls had shirts on after that so just black bra's and skirts.I wish i could post pixs of the hottest Slam pieces there.

My other party was during the blizzard up in DC while i was home for break. It was a Jonny Tsunami theme, that movie from disney channel way back in the day i know it sounds lame now but girls could either dress up as Snow bunnies, or beach themed. so we had girls looking like lindsay Vohn and then Some hotties in skimpy bikini's

Dirt Dawg said...

Haha nice Bob Barker reference.

#98 Orakbro said...

the best theme party is sluts and us. its pretty simple-girls dress as sluts and we dress as us

Broseidon, Lord of the Brocean said...

As Smokey the Bear put it, NYB, you are the fucking man, you inspire bros everywhere to drink longer and rage harder. Theme parties are always the shit, as it gives slampieces even more reasons to look like the skanky hos that they deserve to be.

broeratops said...

Reminds me of when I was a young bro in college. Great post bro

UltimateLaxBro said...

Nurses are hot as shit. Theme party, in the works.

Anonymous said...

NYB, fuck bro-king, you are a god amongst us bros. you give us the motivation to get through the 8 hour workday or our slam pieces' abortion meetings. this weekend i will be pounding brews in your honor, and i'll be damned if i don't pound a few pussies as well.

hats off,

massBRO

p.s fucking classic post as well, theme parties are the tits

C-3PBro said...

Any excuse to have slam pieces dressing like sluts is a good one, especially a themed party. Bro on NYB, bro on.

JimBro Fisher said...

NYB, you give us bros a reason to live inbetween our sessions of drinking heavily, porking slampieces, and ripping bowls to the dome
With that said, theme parties are one of the greater things we've created when it comes to getting sluts to remove their clothes.
My favorite part of theme parties is staying in character all night. As you brilliantly pointed out, a night dressed as the Dude or Walter Sobchek is sure to result in excessive White Russians and hilarious quotes girls are too dumb to understand. Woodstock social tonight? I'm dropping some brown acid.

Anonymous said...

no bro should ever drink bud light unless hes graduated from college...its a bitch beer, whens the last time you saw a girl drinking anything besides natty(cheap ass sluts) or bud light(average sluts) bud light at my house has been named a bitch beer and according to our man laws (no man shall be seen drinking bud light) drink something cheaper or classier. but other than that, awesome post

Anonymous said...

Cheating Bro's and Tiger Woods Hoes

Broseph said...

Great post keep it up, were doing Frat Hard Die Hard tomorrow. Bitches are gonna be dressed up slutty as shit wearing leather and dressing up like James Bond hoes. But nothing better than themed parties in the middle of the year for no reason.
In Hoc

Anonymous said...

So true
and nurses are so hot

Anonymous said...

I actually went to an "anything but clothes" party this weekend and the slam pieces wore nothing but trash bags and caution tape. Fucking epic shit.

Ron BROgundy said...

frat hard or go home, NYB lagit post BRO it up dude

Anonymous said...

My fraternity just had a themed social called "Golf Pros and Tiger Woodz hoaz." The slampieces came out in full force dressed as slutty as they possibly could and proud to be our hoes for the evening. Gotta love it.

Anonymous said...

A little disappointed. Why would a bro want to switch out of his flow? I personally HATE theme parties because they require more effort than throwing a pinnie on with Nantucket reds.

Anonymous said...

Smokey the Bear, you mean IU as in Indiana? Bro, this party idea sound killer. I would love to co-sponsor this party!

Effmanny, King of All Bros said...

Smokey the Bear knows no BroBGYN and naughty nurses party will be legit without multiple nurse slampieces getting railed over a stolen hospital bed. Double shifting in one night is straight IU BRO.

Smokey the Bear said...

After this article I had to think of something worthy of the introduction,"NYB inspired this."

Mission fucking accomplished.

This weekend is Easter, and bros fucking love holidays. It's a perfect excuse to be hungover as shit in your Monday classes.

What every bro needs for this event:
Shitload of natty
Slam piece(s)

What the slam piece needs
A (sexy) "bunny" themed outfit

As early as you can puke and rally from Saturday night, scatter brews throughout your frat house, and everyone broceeds to have an Easter beer hunt.

The only rule: finish your beer before you can "find" the next one.

β.Γ.O. hard or don't β.Γ.O. at all.

Regards from B-town,
Smokey

Anonymous said...

sucks the face treadmill wont be in the health care package but it might be the biggest piece of bro legislation a democrat could ever pass - putting a %5 tax on plastic surgery - surcharging the ugly hoes in this world for simply being alive

Anonymous said...

dinosaurs and sluts. most bro theme there is.

The Broly Spirit said...

NYB, you truly are a BRO among men.

Anonymous said...

As a slampiece from Clemson University I can tell you that this post is 100% true...slampieces fucking love theme parties and the slutty costumes that come with it.

Anonymous said...

we just had a party where the girls dressed like wild animals and the guys were hunters....the cunt hunt

Anonymous said...

We had a sick Lebowski Fest Party my senior year. Not only did I get to walk around wearing just a bathrobe and flashing slampieces all night, we also bought 2oz of weed on our social fund and I slammed about 25 white russians. Of course 90% of the girls were hot as shit and were dressed as sluts. The only rule of the party was that the other 10% had to wear bathrobes or were not allowed in.

Hulk BROgan said...

Man all the slams i go to school with love this shit

Thomas Izzbro said...

Excuse me you fucking nerd but Battlestar Gallatica parties are dope (April Fools).

Around the World and Marriage & Divorce mixers are the shit.

Sparty On Motherfucks

brOrlando said...

Pablo Escobar pool party. Girls in high heels and bikinis, bros dress like Pabro.

BROmar Vizquel said...

Attention Bros,

I have come to the conclusion that bros are really just a bunch of douchebag guys trying to be cool. So for this reason, I have decided to change my entire lifestyle. I have gotten rid of all of my sweatshop-made Nike Dunks and Air Maxes, which have been replaced by Converse All Stars and slip on Vans. I deleted all the piece of crap conformist bands like DMB and OAR from my iPod and downloaded some much better nonconformist stuff like My Chemical Romance and Hawthorne Heights. Anyone who wants my collection of every EA Sports game since 1994 can buy it on eBay, so I can use the money to buy World of Warcraft and all the expansion packs. Well, I gotta go, or else I'll be late for my SADD meeting.










Happy fucking April Fools Day everybody,
BROmar Vizquel
"Cleveland bros rock"

Antonio Bromartie said...

My bro had a pajama party a couple of months ago. It turned into a competition between slam pieces to see who could dress sluttier with their nighties and lingerie. Needless to say we bros won the ultimate prize with tickets to pound town. God I love being a bro...

William Jefferson Clinton said...

“Bro-B-GYNs and Naughty Nurses” party... you're a genius NYB- fantastic post.

Anonymous said...

Bro, the dinosaurs and sluts may possibly be the bro-est theme ever. The cunt-hunt is pretty bro too.

However, you can't pass up the GI Bro's and Army Ho's...shit's fuckin classic bro.

Shaquille bro'neal said...

Barbarians and librarians

ESPN 8 the BRO-CHO said...

The proper beer hunt in the house is to have a BEAST-ER EGG HUNT, you need to buy a shit ton of milwaukees beast its the american way

Anonymous said...

Necessary theme party accessory: fucking naked blow-up dolls. Nothing compares to waking up in the morning to find one of your bros (the bro kept around to make you feel better about yourself bro) spooning with the appropriately named "Blow-up Slut."

brovechkin said...

Theme parties also lead to some form of chanting so that also makes them in more bro.

Anonymous said...

Bros, a personal favorite theme party of my bros and i is the pajama party. My bros and i rolled in with just our boxers and a pair of slippers on while the slam pieces sported sexy lingerie or just a shirt and panties. Clothes were easy on easy off that night. NYB great post as always.

Anonymous said...

The Big Lebowski really should be a link, Bro

BROdie Foster said...

Agreed that Big Lebowski needs a link of its own. Furthermore (and frankly I'm surprised no one has commented on this yet), the Tyler Perry jab is MUCH appreciated. I can't even begin on all the reasons he blows.

Living with Balls said...

There's nothing wrong with inviting a few fat chicks. You need a backup plan if you blow it with a hot girl.

IrishBro said...

To the Bro above me, no! No! never slay the fat slam piece that is a serious bro cred ruiner, take the speed beat and know that there are more hot sluts to slay!

Secondly, Theme parties are great but my advice to my bros right now is with the rising temps throw a good ol fashion foam party, nothing is better then hot sluts in almost no clothing, oh wait there is, hot drunk sluts in almost no clothing, my recent foam party this last weekend was a serious success pregamed harder than most people party with my bros and fucked a serious hot piece of ass under 5 feet of foam next to almost 200 people dancing.. Victory once again for the Brotherhood of bros!

bro out!

Anonymous said...

Theme parties have been a staple in me and my bros college careers. From CEO's and corporate hoes to a beach party where we dumped over 75 pounds of sand in our dorm common area floor. (other honorable mention parties are 80s aerobic, jersey party, camo and cuts offs , tennis hoes and golf pros. etc.) Slam pieces have came from near and far to have the opportunity to put on their resume that they have been slayed by a bro.

Anonymous said...

During the DC blizzard over winter break: Santa Bros and Ho Ho Ho's. Beer cans were found a week later after the snow melted in the front lawn and giant things were stolen from Mcdonalds. Epic shitshow.

HIPSTERMINATOR said...

Couldn't be more dead on

Nur-ses Nur-ses

Anonymous said...

theme parties are the greatest. my bros and I are having a toga party this thursday

BRO-nonymous said...

Desert Bros and Cameltoes

Anonymous said...

GHETTO NIGHT!!!!

Anonymous said...

hah fuck tyler perry.

Pat BROrell 5 said...

Sleeves Saturdays: Me and my bros havent wore fucking sleeves on saturday since high school.

Bromosapien said...

Nah, the best are

King Tuts and Egyptian Sluts
and
Dictators and Dicktakers

Anonymous said...

High School Heroes. A great chance to show off how bad ass you were in high school, and every girl dresses as a slutty cheerleader no matter what they did in high school.

Anonymous said...

My bros and I threw a South Central Los Angeles themed party earlier this semester. It was great because not only did the slam pieces decide to wear little more than a bandanna on their heads, but we got to make a Gin and Juice Bucket and get some cases of 40s to supplement the kegs as our specialty drinks. We even got to blast old school west coast rap all night without a single slut requesting some shitty club song.

Brett Favre said...

a bro and a slam piece handcuffed together until they finish a fifth between the two of them

Bros Dont Click Links said...

Ninjas and Sluts party. Great theme.

Southern CaliBronia said...

Firstly, all hail NYB.

Secondly, one of the greatest theme parties of all time, in my experience, is very simple, but with a lot of brotential, the "shitshow theme. After surveying the damage this morning of 12+ people passed out downstairs, and two naked chicks in the bathroom, I don't understand how anyone can ever speak ill of the bro way of life, or theme parties.

OSLAX said...

BTL Party - Boxers Towls Lingerie

easiest way to judge a Slam Piece

Bro-nominal said...

"Do Anything for Money" is the sickest theme party I've ever been to. Everybody got like $1,000 dollars of Monopoly money when they walked in, and whoever had the most by the end of the night got bottles as prizes. Needless to say, sluts will do anything for that dollar, no matter if it's real or fake.

Anonymous said...

as a bro loving slut myself I would like to state this is just one of the many reasons I love each and every one of you

continue to throw themed parties and allow your females to be the sluts they truly are

Sincerely,
one of your laxitutes

Anonymous said...

@ Bromosapien -

I have to know if you were truly Bro enough to actually pull off a "Dictators and Dicktakers" theme party. Please reply with what campus & what frat? That's ballsy. Very Bro, indeed.

Enormous women at frat parties are a real buzz kill. Elimiate this threat with either a BMI number is Sharpie on everyone's stomache or simply put a scale at the front door with a hight & weight requirement to get into the party.

Nice Bob Barker reference, NYB. He's a Sigma Nu Bro.

doublebro7 said...

Incredible post, as a marine themed parties are fucking badass especially when a slampiece decides to wear camo, easy fuckin pickens for a ticket straight to the pound town express with a buy one get one deal for her free facial

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