Wednesday, April 28, 2010

#116 Horse Races

Bros love Sports. Bros love #1 getting fucked up. Bros love taking slam pieces to Pound Town. In a perfect world, bros would be going to games, getting blackout drunk, and taking home some random girl you met waiting in line for the bathroom named “#28 Toilet Slut” every fucking day of the year. Unfortunately, we are not yet to the point of bro-quality with society so we have to settle on a few days in Spring to get us by. Race days. Bros fucking love Horse Racing because it combines three of the most bro pastimes, gambling, drunkenness, and sluttiness, and brings them together into the perfect Saturday package.

Bros love horse races because it gives them a chance to get fucked up outdoors all day and bang slam pieces wearing sundresses. While they may love horse racing, bros don’t give a shit about getting a good seat in the grandstand or how horse racing is “so cruel.” To be honest, outside of making bets on the horses, bros don’t give a fuck about the actual races at all. Being able to honestly say you never once saw a horse at a horse race is about as bro as it fucking gets.

For "a day at the races" some bros, typically Southern Preppy ones, will dress up in bowties, seersucker suits, top siders, and croakies, but most will wear whatever the fuck they want. Bros aren’t there to impress anyone – being a fucking bro is impressive enough. Girls on the other hand eat that shit up. Girls fucking love wearing those bigass hats, not so much because it’s a tradition, but more because they saw fucking Kendra wearing one in an episode of “The Girls Next Door.” Much like little kids love to play “make believe” by dressing up like a firefighter, slam pieces love dressing classy to pretend they deserve respect.

Sure, bros can place bets any fucking time they want on their iPhone with their Bodog account, but betting on the ponies at the track is still fun as shit. Bros know everything there is to fucking know about betting on horses. Bros love talking about how they made like 2 grand on a $4 bet last year, then blew it all at the bar that night. Bros also love making fun of anyone who doesn’t know horse racing betting lingo. By calling someone a dumb fuck retard for not knowing what a Superfecta box is, not only do you look smart as shit, but you’re guaranteed to get dome from any girl that hears. Fucking sluts.

Even though many claim the main attraction at a Horse Race is the racing horses, bros realize what it’s really all about – getting fucking hammered. The great thing about most races is that they’re BYOB events, meaning bros are lugging like six 30 packs and a case of #43 red bull with them. While many horse races across the country will try to compete, nothing will ever compare to a bro event so huge, it can only be described as Woodstock, the Super Bowl, and the World Cup all rolled into one. Of course I’m talking about the BYOB Preakness. I’m proud to report that I was able to attend two of these, and I can honestly say that at these events I’ve never been more proud to be a bro. Only good things can come from tens of thousands of people on a hot day drinking as much as humanly possible with no laws whatsoever.

As bros would race on top of port-o-potties with full beer cans being thrown at them as hard as possible from every angle, I truly discovered what it means to be a hero. You’d see bros doing belly flops into baby pools filled will beer cans. You’d see a bro, with blood (probably from a fight) streaming down his face, pounding a beer bong and screaming “PREAKNESS!!” You’d see a girl flashing a shit load of bros just because they #4 chanted the three magic words to any true slam piece’s heart: “Show your tits.” The Preakness infield had it all. It stood for everything pure in this world. It was a playground for bros to be bros. Unfortunately, society won’t even allow bros one day a year in a caged in area to flourish.

While Preakness is bringing back the all you can drink – they have disallowed BYOB. Sure, it’s great to drink as much as you want, but honestly – what the fuck are we supposed to throw at guys running across Port-o-Potties? Are they just supposed to run their races without any obstacles? Where’s the fucking challenge in that? Fucking Bullshit.

The start of the Triple Crown means a time for Bros to celebrate. After surviving a long rough winter it’s time to head down to the racetrack for boozing, gambling, and some old fashion slam piece pounding. If you think that sundress looks good on that girl just wait until you see it lying on your bedroom floor. After all, even if their Trifectas and Superfectas all come up empty, there’s always one box that bros are guaranteed to hit: a slam piece’s.

57 comments:

BROHAUS said...

BEST POST EVER...BROS AT THE KENTUCKY DERBY THIS WEEKEND!

Anonymous said...

I've got infield club seats for the derby this weekend, all you can drink i love bein a fuckin bro

Living with Balls said...

I live near Belmont and they don't allow you in the infield; which sucks. I hope to make it to to the Derby or the Preakness at some point so I can experience this

Brocrates said...

Watching the race= Not bro
Placing innappropriately high bets on shitty horses, getting retardedly fucked up, and being able to say you got physically removed from the kentucky derby= bro

Scott BROsius said...

incredible. i'm set for belmont, and will hopefully get to the preakness. can't wait.

Ben Broethlisberger said...

Carolina Cup is the place to be in the Southeast, bros don't even care if they don't see horses, its all about drinking and grinding with slam pieces on pick up trucks. Then on the bus ride home its time to go to pound town in the back of the bus with your slam piece.

Brohan Santana said...

Was at foxfields this past weekend and oh boy was it groovy! Waking up drunk as shit at 7:45 only to drink more is as fucking awesome as it sounds. After the nice little bus ride down to Charlottesville you arrive to slut central. It was a blast, and i was even mean enough to make some ugly cunt punch me in the face which is a success and is for sure defiantly worth bropoints. Aside from that and the absurd amount of beer/vodka that was consumed there was a horse killed, which was awesome couldn't have been happier. There was other not bro's getting arrested which was of course enjoyable for bros to watch. There was girls getting fingerbanged in broad daylight. And of course a great postgame. Ya i guess you can say horse races are as Bro as it can get.

Rock n Roll brosephina's

slawburn bro said...

the real southern bros have been doing this for awhile now bros, we dont have a subzero winter and the train to pound down has been running full steam ahead. come down for auburn rodeo or any of the other weekends we get fucked up at events and slay slampieces when theres some race or rodeo or something no one gives a shit about going on in the background.

Anonymous said...

Saratoga is where it's at. That shit gets fuckin wild in the summer. 5 dollars for parking, 3 dollars to get in, BYOB. Fuck ya bro.

Anonymous said...

FOXFIELDS!!

jj said...

great post nyb,horse racing gets no respect

im a jersey bro but every summer i head up to saratoga for the track and dmb and its fuckin heaven the track at saratoga is prime to get fuckin hammered n find slampieces

JimBro Fisher said...

Thank you NYB, you've just encouraged a much-need BROad Trip. Being a bro is the greatest feeling I know.

Anonymous said...

best. post. ever. i must attend these slutfests

C-3PBro said...

NYB you just opened up my eyes to an arena of broness that I was not even aware of, hell yeah. And I am fuckin' lovin' the sundress line...as Atmosphere says "Every woman looks better in a sundress." Bro hard people, bro. hard.

Effmanny, King of All Bros said...

Just hit the exacta on a slam piece's box. boom

Anonymous said...

KY derby-Its where its at! Every time i go i end up finding myself trapped under a car or passed out in the in-field. Great to live in louisville. Bros are the shit.

Rocky BalBROa said...

brocrates i agree with all but your last line, get thrown out of the derby. bros dont get thrown out anywhere because we are the authority..the only higher power than a bro is bro king...people try to throw us out but fuck them, then you just tell them that your fathers firm will sue them for all their worth, whihc isnt much considering they are bro haters....great post nyb

Military Bro said...

FUCK YES! Easily comparable to the Bud Light Bullpen at U of Hawaii, get smashed and watch americas pastime. FUCKING RAW

BROmar Vizquel said...

another college newspaper bro hater

http://thecollegevoice.org/2010/04/26/factorizationofcc/

Abroham Lincoln said...

get fucking brojonesed, horse racing is the brassy (bro+classy)-est shit on this side of the poverty line YA DIGGG

$Big-Easy$ said...

Horse races are the shit. I always bet on the fucking retarded horses and get drunk and me and my bros scream SEA BISCUIT SEA BISCUIT! Anybody who takes it seriously like the losers who stare at us can suck it! Hey NYB I was so inspired by all 116 kick ass posts that I started my own blog for the Midwestern bros. My first post is a tribute to you and some random brolosophy every bro can appreciate. Bros check it out

http://brofieldguide.blogspot.com/2010/04/1-tribute-to-nyb-and.html#links">Bro

Anonymous said...

article written on the kentucky derby by hunter s. thompson a true bro

http://brianb.freeshell.org/a/kddd.pdf

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IIcyFSYhvV4&feature=related

^^^^Preakness Toilet Run 2008

Bro Schembechler said...

God I love this site. To the bro that gave the Preakness video URL...Thank You.

This semester we got our pledges really fucked up, dressed them like horses, and had them run a race for us and sorority sluts during our Kentucky Derby party. It was great. You better believe we bet on the fucking pledge horses. Next year we'll be sure to add throwing of beer at the pledges to better the event.

Bros are the tits.

Anonymous said...

One bro I used to hang out with got put in the drunk tank fully covered in mud a couple years ago. We surrounded him at a vendor while he jumped head first down into a gigantic tub of ice (the ones that look like beer cans or bottles filled with beers for sale)and did a hand stand down in the ice. After being screamed at he showed his junk and then jumped back in again. At this point he was removed, kicking and screaming, hammered, and covered in mud. Everyone was in town staying at his house that weekend...But bros don't care if they have visitors. Bros will be bros. Bro-haters will lock up the bros.

Anonymous said...

preakness is such a bro event, i was there for preakness 2007 and 2008 and the running of the toilets was legendary, then these fucking bro haters changed it from BYOB to having to buy beer in side..who the fuck do they think they are, me and my bros used to rent a school bus with like 20 bros and 20 slampieces, drive down drinking at 7 am and drink till 7 pm. whoever decided to change the event is the biggest bro hater ever and has must not used his dick in like 10 years.

BROshon Moreno said...

Right on the money! As a veteran of both the Carolina Cup and Foxfield, I have to agree that there is NOTHING greater than a day at the track!

Speaking of tracks, I experienced another kind of race this past weekend which I feel deserves some bro consideration, and hear me out on this, because I'm sure your first reaction will be rough. I went to a Nascar race at Talladega. Despite the fact that I'm from GA, I'm far from a redneck that enjoys these kinds of races. I went simply for the sheer quantity of: a)beer consumed, b)tobacco products used, c)tits seen, and d)inferior people to make fun of. All in all, the race sucked balls, but the weekend was a huge success.

Scott Peterson said...

Bust out the seersucker and pour some mint juleps boys...it's fratting season at the derby

Ps- if you don't wear sperrys on a regular basis, you are not a bro.

Anonymous said...

Bros, what is the deal with getting alcohol at preakness? How strict are they with fakes and how hard is it to smuggle alcohol in past the bro-hating security?

Anonymous said...

BLOWOUT!!!

Mayor of Bonetown said...

I went to the Preakness right after my senior year of college. The line for the Porta-Potty was too long, so I dropped trou, popped a squat, and shit right in front of a group of girls. I ended up taking one of them for a ride on the Bonetown Express that night. I'm such a bro I banged a chick I had never met before when our introduction was her watching me take a nasty shit.

Bro king.

Anonymous said...

idk about you bros, but us bros down here in central florida wouldn't be caught dead with a bowtie on.
A typical outfit is jordan slides, cut off tee, and some bball shorts. the most dressed up we ever get is a polo, jeans, and sperrys.
long live bros.

Sparty On said...

^anonymous above

Jordan slides? Cut off t's? What did the sleeve monster get you when you were sleeping, or are you just so jacked and tan that they naturally succumb to your gigantic muscle mass? Fucking gdi's.

Vineyard Vines bow ties are fratty as hell, especially when combined with a seersucker suit, and if you don't know why, then you just don't get it.

Anonymous said...

^sparty on just doesnt get it

BROert E Lee said...

agreed, wear some sleeves, and to the Souths defense we don't really consider Florida with us. Long Live Bro's

mathew BROderick said...

what we really need on this site is a post about bros hating snitches. cause snitches are the ultimate bro-hater in this world, no bro would dare snitch on another bro that would go against brotocol

Anonymous said...

I feel like there's a lot of fucking GDI's on this site. I can't decide if, myself, being a southern fraternity man, am a bro or not. It seems as if half of you are fucking yankees.

Rugby baller 69 said...

I don't understand why everyone on this site wants NYB to write about their topics. NYB writes what he wants because its his fuckin site and so far every damn post has been legit. Bro on Bros. Also here's to another summer playing rugby!

Funny shit right here:

http://brofieldguide.blogspot.com/2010/04/2-beer-goggles.html

Anonymous said...

what the fuck is a GDI?

Brolock Holmes said...

What can I say about this post other than wow. Horse Races are the shit and so are Bros, that's why we all go to them. A definite must see is the Carolina Cup in Camden, SC. My frat goes every year to this magnificent event. For ten hours straight we were out there slamming ice cold Natty's and chugging bourbon. In my opinion there's not much else that is better than this.
Keep up the good work NYB. You truly are an idol for us all.

$Big-Easy$ said...

It stands for God Damn Independents, its similar to a fraternity but not school affiliated and the majority dislike the Greek system. Whether they rushed and didn't pledge, or just decided to be retarded and live in the dorms. So they can do pretty much whatever they want. They are pretty big at Mizzou and usually are cool. They have sponsored events with 20 Kegs at a local saloon 3 times a semester which is pretty legit.

Anonymous said...

preakness was absolutely insane, its so lame they banned bringin in your own alcohol to the in field

Anonymous said...

Big Easy, you're a fucking idiot. How is being a GDI in any way similar to a fraternity? A GDI is anyone who isn't in a fraternity.

Sparty On said...

Big Easy what the fuck are you talking about. Anonymous above, do not ever equate me with an a&f muscleshirt wearing, glowstick waving gdi just because i live north of the MD, or i will slam a pair of costas through your neck.

$Big-Easy$ said...

Anonymous I really don't need to respond since you hide your identity you fucking hipster. But I'm gonna do this to clarify for other bros. Everywhere GDI's are everyone who isn't in a fraternity, or sorority. But.... at my school there is also a group here that is organized, has meetings, officers, and is somewhat affiliated with Farmhouse, and Alpha Gamma Rho. I'm wasted and pretty much wrote that shit from my ass earlier. Didn't make sense at all.

Bro on Bros

Mine That Bro said...

The Bro King at the Kentucky Derby is the dude walking around with the highest stack of glasses from all the mint juleps he's being slamming all day.
Slam pieces in tight-ass sun dresses and huge hats look for that shit so they can compete to ride the 12 o'clock pound town with him.

Anonymous said...

NYB, when the fuck will this site get an iphone app?
i am a bro from KY. i know the fucking derby... enough said.

Scott Brolen said...

oh the Kentucky Derby... the one day of the year that i can comfortably slide away from pounding back the regular brew dogs and down an unprecedented amount of mint julip starting at noon.

horse races are the fucking shit.

Anonymous said...

Bro Phillies Fan - Bro King!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqtPUhYdz6M

Anonymous said...

calvin borel is a bro. he won me $400. to bad i spent it all on booze within 6 hours.

Brolby Rasmus said...

horse jockeys are such bros
get paid money just to beat a horse

Anonymous said...

Jayson Werth is the biggest bro in the MLB hands down

Brodacious said...

Great post. Brings me back to the '02 Belmont...me and a few of my bros decided to make a day of it at the local track/casino where they take action on the simulcasts from across the country. Put $5 across the board on Sarava at 70-1 and wound up having an absolute weekend-long shit show when that motherfucker came in and paid off nearly a grand...fucking epic.

Bros are the shit.

Anonymous said...

Del Mar Track. San Diego. In field concerts after the game. Fucking beer "festival" in August every year. Greatest time ever. 30 minute drive to Tijuana and it become legendary. EPIC.

Brometheus said...

horse races and the catalina wine mixer are fucking bro heaven, i love that shit

Anonymous said...

$1 - cost to buy a program, beer, hot dog, ice cream sandwich, or package of cracker jacks during Golden Gates Dollar Sundays... Enough said

brosaurus rex said...

BROS, what about an amazing event held right below new york city, in, unfortunately, jersey. dare i say it, THE HUNT. come on. last year was fucking amazing and the slam pieces were everywhere.

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