Wednesday, May 5, 2010

#117 Having A Bitch

It’s Thursday night and you’re fucking thirsty. You and your bros have three slam pieces over to #35 pregame to your new power hour DVD. While punishing that case of Natty was fucking amazing and the tracks to Pound Town were no doubt laid, there’s a problem: you’re out of fucking beer. Immediately, the fat girl the hot slam pieces insisted on airlifting in notices. “I thought this was a pregame! I want to drink!!” As every bone in your body is aching to ask her what’s it like to be the World Famous “Tub Girl,” you stop yourself – sure it would be fun as shit to make that #44 fat girl cry, but if she leaves, her friends, who actually have a purpose in life outside of eating every living being, will leave too. You settle down and weigh your options. You could #23 drive to go pick up some more brew or you could do what any bro in this situation would do: call your bitch.

You scroll through the names in your phone, passing hazy entries such as “Ass=nice,” and “Big Tits Starboard” until you finally find his name: “Bitch.” You dial the number and before you even hear a ring, he picks up the phone.

“What’s up man – are you guys getting fucked up?” he says.
“You know it man, only problem is, we’re running low on bee...”
“I’ll be right over – 30 pack good? How about two? I’ll get two, just in case.”

Ten minutes later, “bitch” comes running in the door, out of breath, with two racks and a fucking bottle of Captain Mo, screaming “I’m sorry, I got here as soon as I can – I clipped a biker on the way – I didn’t stop though because I didn’t want for the beer to get warm – I think the biker’s wife might have seen my plates so I could be in trou..”

As the slam pieces look on in horror at the bitch’s story you and your bros just start making whiny baby noises. You grab the beer from him, start chugging, and remind him that he’s only allowed to hang out if he’s not going to be fucking annoying all night long. As he sits there, still in shock , you smile to yourself. While a normal person might console a person who just ran over a guy on a bike, you’re not a normal person. You’re a bro, by definition one of the smartest people on the fucking planet, and you’ve just kept your bitch in check. Thanks to your bitch, while that biker might be heading to the emergency room - there’s only one place you’re heading tonight: Pound Town.

While all bros are created equal, your bitch is the exception. While the bitch might think that he is a bro just because you let him hang out with you, bros know what he really is: a piece of fucking shit. A bitch can never become a fucking bro. Obviously, bitches have no fucking clue about this since they’re so fucking stupid and will do anything just to hang out with bros. By leading your bitch on to think that he can actually become friends with you, not only are you giving him a dream to work towards, but you are also giving your bros countless hours of free entertainment. Let’s take a look at a couple of the things that make having a bitch so fucking great.

He’s an ATM – Sure bros are rich as shit, but why the fuck would you spend your Dad’s hard earned money when you can get someone else to do it? Whenever you invite your bitch to hang out with you, it’s understood that he better be paying for every fucking thing you do. You better believe anytime your bitch opens up a tab at the bar everyone and their fucking mother is going to know about it. The bitch might try to stop you by saying bullshit like “only three people can use my tab – I need that money for my medication!” but this just means he needs to be reminded of the privilege that it is to hang out with you until he agrees to buy everyone at the bar a shot.

Making Fun of Him – Making fun of people is the shit. Not only does it make you look better than that person, but it’s fucking hilarious. That’s the beauty of having a bitch – you can do pretty much anything you want to him and five minutes later he’ll be congratulating you on a great joke. For example, one late drunken night back in College we convinced one of our bitches that if you lost a game of “hot potato” with a soccer ball, you had to shave one of your eyebrows. Obviously we all threw the ball softly to each other, until it was time to toss the ball to the bitch. I can still see my bro standing two feet away from the bitch and winding up with everything he had and pegging the ball. As the ball ricocheted off his shoulder, his head dropped. He knew what dropping the ball meant in the sacred bylaws of the game we had invented five minutes earlier, so he took his seat in a chair on our porch. As we all sat around, watching one of my bros shave his eyebrow with a buzzer normally reserved for pube-trimming, we realized this was one of the greatest things we’d ever done.We thought we had seen the last of the bitch, but sure enough the next night he came back 30 rack in hand to willingly get his other eyebrow shaven - you know, so he wouldn’t look like some sort of one-eye browed freak. Bros: 1. Bitch: 0.

Bros are fucking exclusive as hell. Not just anyone can be one of the smartest, #109 best looking, and richest people on the fucking planet. That doesn’t mean that there are under qualified people out there who try. Much like hot girls need fat ugly girls around at all times to appear better looking, bros keep bitches around to remind themselves just how truly fucking awesome they are. Bros are the shit.

52 comments:

Brod Stewart said...

I call them "pledges"

Effmanny, King of All Bros said...

Whenever I get an itch, I always look for my bitch. boom

Bromosphere said...

Bitches are the shit. Agreed with Brod. Whenever I need a ride, food, beer I hit up the gang of bitches aka pledges in my phone. Always gets the job done.

The Holy Broman Empire said...

Every pledge class has at least one guy who slipped through the cracks because the bros were too hammered during rush to notice he existed. Everyone knows he will never actually make it into the fraternity, however he is kept around as long as possible and made the most cruelly treated bitch. He is then released from his slavery right before initiation so the bros don't have to be annoyed by him anymore. Bitches ain't shit.

Anonymous said...

haha bitches are the best. they always drive the bros home from the bar or pay for the cab.

BROHAUS said...

The other night us bros ran up a $300 tab for some bitch... iced half the bar on his tab... Bitches are useful sometimes

Shaquielle Bro'neal said...

Not only are bitches great for buying shit and providing rides, but if you're having a hard time getting rid of that fat chick, pass her onto the bitch. Problem solved, and he'll think she's a slam piece.

Anonymous said...

Holy Broman got that one right. Even though many pledges will eventually, after paying for all of your kegs, bar tabs, and 3 AM diner runs and a semester of hazing, become bros, there's that one kid who slips through the cracks. If he makes it through pledging, he's still everyone's bitch--you treat him worse than the next pledge class which is funny as shit.

Anonymous said...

My pledges certainly are not bitches...since bitches can never become bros why would you rush a bitch? Certainly they will do bitch work, but at heart are bros in training.

BroBron James said...

you guys are very un bro-like if you think pledges are bitches - get a life - pledges should be your boys for three years after they pledge - bitches are not equal not pledges

Bro Bro The Indian Circus Boy said...

Whichever my current slam piece is my primary doer of bitch-work, however i feel as if the value of making your lil bro your bitch is under appreciated.

JimBro Fisher said...

I have to agree with The Holy Broman Empire here. Pledge bitch is easily the biggest chachbag in the pledge class, but bros fucking love him because he buys our booze and drives us to our slampieces. And he provides us hours of entertainment. But right before initiation we send that bitch back to the GDI community I like to refer to as hell. No bitch bro haters are wearing my letters.

Happy Drinko de Mayo bros

Brony Montana said...

Although I agree that you can treat pledges like bitches until they become real bros, I disagree that the bitch should be a guy.

Find a slam piece who will pay for all your bros' shit, you can make fun of yet will return the next day, and will be your bro pad's maid. You better fucking believe my bros have a bitch who cleans our rooms, does our laundry, does our homework, AND sucks our dicks. Not only can you fuck with with her, you can fuck her. But make sure you spray in her eye to make sure she knows bros hate clingy hoes and you would never consider her more important than your spitter.

I don't want some brohater-bro wanna be scaring off all the slam pieces trying to fit in. Me and my bros have a hot slave who is content to do anything for us in exchange for our cocks.

CrowdedToast said...

rat fuck pledges

Anonymous said...

Great post every group of bros has their bro bitch

Bro's and Ho's said...

making fun of inferior people whether girls or wannabe bros is one of the greatest bro activities out there, it lets everyone know that youre the fucking man. cheers

Anonymous said...

Not saying I'm disappointed with the post since any post about Bros being #1 is Truth, I was hoping for a cinco de mayo post...

Anonymous said...

Anonymous, I beg to differ
While I too was anticipating a Cince de mayo post, I think this post was so much better. By now, every bro should already know about all of these drinking holidays and how to properly celebrate them. This post is fucking hilarious though.

Real bros have had a bitch since like elementary school, when you convince him every day at lunch time to give you his fruit roll up. It brings a tear to my eye when I think about all the bros in training that are currently bitching around other kids at such a young age. Back in high school we had this bitch who was three years older than us and would drive us around and get us beer when we were freshmen. What a fucking idiot that kid was.

Bros, as well as fruit roll ups, are the shit.

BROmo seltzer said...

bros, remember to always make the pledges that arent getting into the fraternity the bitches. the pledges that will get in are clearly bros in training and need to know that they are becoming the shit. the others are worthless and should be treated accordingly

Goat Crusher said...

BroBron James-

First of all, James isn't shit until he wins a title.

Second of all, as long as they're a pledge, they're not my boy, hence they are without a doubt a bitch. Until initiation, pledges are the scum of the earth. Stop being soft.

laBROn KING james said...

the only thing i hate about them is that they expect to spend MORE than 10-15 minutes around you. Just because you paid for the booze, weed, and gas doesn't mean that you get to drive, drink, and smoke with us! Why can't they figure this out, the exchange is this:
We get them to do shit, and he gets to say that he is our friend. NOTHING more!

C-3PBro said...

The bitch is great. Every group of good bros has to have a solid bitch. The best was the bitch in high school who you would always make throw the house parties and ruin his house. You'd shoot him a text on a Friday sayin' "yo man what are you doin tonight" then follow that with "alright we will all be over at 8, and dont forget booze." Always gotta have a bitch around, and you better hope he is a good bitch and leaves when he is supposed to (after the beer is in the bro-kings hands) Bro hard bros, bro hard.

AntoniBRO Banderas said...

como estan, bitches? another great post NYB. my bitch is currently paying child support to three different slam pieces. fuck bitches, fuck condoms, god bless the bros.

The Great BroBino said...

another genius post

gotta love the bitch

Anonymous said...

Pledges are bitches until they're your bros. Part of pledging is learning from the bros how to be bros, which entails treating non-bros (bitches) like the shit that they are.

Broah's Ark said...

The greatest thing a bitch could ever do for you? Take the rap. Bro haters are always out to get me and my boys, who better to pin our shenanigans on than a guy we don't give a fuck about? Always drive the bitches car...

"Why no officer, I'm not sure how all those traffic signs, passed out slam pieces, and weed got into my car, let me call the owner real quick..."

Bro J Simpson said...

Brony Montana has got it right
You don't want bitch ass bro wannabe's hanging around you because they will scare off most solid slam peices. If you are a bro you should be able to get a slam peice to do shit for you just because she is insecure and is scared that you will never talk to her again after a month of banging, which you obviously must do eventually.

BRos are the shit and having a slam peice slave is even better

Anonymous said...

awesome post fucking hilarious

next post should be about cockblocks .... and for girls they are twot swatters

Broderick bunkley said...

Big tits starboard. Haha love the Dewey beach shout out.

Georgia BRODawgs said...

Solid post. I don't know why there's even a debate about this, it's pretty well accepted that pledges have to suffer and learn to become your bros, and so they're by default bitches. They are the scum of the earth until you initiate them, making them equal to you.

Brohan Franzen said...

I'm good at playing hockey.

Anonymous said...

Nothing like being at a party and screaming I NEED A PLEDGE at the top of your lungs. Then when the pledge comes running up yell again as loudly as possible GIVE ME A FUCKING CIGARETTE. This works best if youre a big, intimidating guy. AKA perfect bro.

Captain Jack SparBRO said...

Completely off topic, but when one spots a Bro King such as the one you are about to read about, it deserves to be broadcast.

All hail Craig Harrison, a sniper for the British army, which, while weak compared to the US of A's army, is still legit. Harrison just set the world distance record for sniper killings, downing two camel jockeys from a mile and a half away. The report says he used a gun, but he probably just whipped out his massive stones while packing a fat lip.

Making the story all the more legit is the fact that during a previous six-month tour, he survived a bullet that went through his helmet and a roadside bomb that broke both of his arms. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1270414/British-sniper-sets-new-sharpshooting-record-1-54-mile-double-Taliban-kill.html?ito=feeds-newsxml

Anonymous said...

Based on the content of posts here (pledge = bitch), I think it's fair to say there are a lot of community college wannabe bros here. Either that or they go to VMI or The Citadel. Listen dudes, just because you live in the apartment complex that caters to the local real college in your town, you still are not a bro. In fact, you are probably a townie. Because community college is designed solely for the poor and dumb, you are further disqualified from being a bro. 15 dudes in wife-beaters, red Yankees hats, jean shorts, listening to Linkin Park is not a fraternity. Going to the prom is not the same as a sorority formal. Hate to burst bubbles, but it needed to be done.

BroCaine said...

Im wondering what NYB's Bitch is saying after reading this... you know the fucker reads bros too...

What a sucker.

Brosta Del Mar said...

Anonymous ranting about community colleges:

What the fuck are you talking about. People equated pledges with bitches (fuck yeah they are), so naturally you assume they are white trash cc paupers. Your deduction skills are very good.

ihsv

Anonymous said...

We call him "tits"
Obviously he payed for a million fucking car bombs on st pattys for me and my bros, and never shows his face with less than two cases

lfBRO said...

great fucking post NYB, next post should be about songs bros listen to when we're straight hammer fucked.

Anonymous said...

hahaha very true about the community colleges and more importantly The Citadel. I go to the College of Charleston and see Citadel douche bags all the time. Just because they treat the "knobs" like shit doesn't mean they're a fraternity. The Citadel kids also try to pick up on our slam pieces and fail miserably. They take home the dogs that aren't worthy of bro standards.

Billy King said...

This sounds like a friday night at my place... bitches

$Big-Easy$ said...

Bitches are fuckin losers. If you are whining about bitches being your bros shut the fuck up. Every bro knows whos gonna be a bro and who isn't but they still let one or two pledge in that will never make it to be their bitches. Four months later they blindfold them and dump them at fred and willy's incest barn right before initiation. Bros love to hate on bitches!

Peace bitches

p.s. get me a case while you're out getting me waffle house bitch tits. Wait make that two....and a handle of Jack too fucker

Anonymous said...

This site is fucking retarded. Fuck all of you arrogant pricks.

Anonymous said...

"What the fuck are you talking about. People equated pledges with bitches (fuck yeah they are), so naturally you assume they are white trash cc paupers. Your deduction skills are very good.

ihsv"

Spoken like a true community college all-star. Do you find it easier to pull community college girls (see: fat chicks) when you wear your white wife beater with red Yankees hat or your black wife beater with your Corona straw hat. Or does it not matter as long as you have a bag full of cheeseburgers. Being an electrician isn't easy, get back to studying. I'd hate for you to end up as the dude who waves traffic through at construction sites.

Anonymous said...

bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks!

Anonymous said...

I can't wait till all you bro's are washing my cars, doing my taxes, taking away my trash, and whatever other menial tasks I throw your way so you can pay child support to all your "slam piece"s.

Drink up chumps.

TheFeminist said...

Wow. I don't even know where to begin with the site.

Maybe now as you graduate you will find out that life is more than beer and sleeping with women who don't understand how special it is to be a woman.

Phi Kap Bro said...

You're basically talking about pledges, yeah?
I fucking love having pledges to do shit. But I also hate pledges for being pieces of shit.
The only pledge who isn't a piece of shit is your little b; he's just a pledge poop. Not as bad as those other fucking pledges.

FlannyBro said...

Get the fuck back to the kitchen you hipster. No one asked for your commi opinion you worthless sloot. We all know TheFeminist was just the Dumb Ugly Fat Friend of the group. Go eat another donut bitch. Bros are the shit.

Anonymous said...

bros don't join frats.
frats are for pussies with no friends who like paddles up the ass.

hail the land of the free and the home of the bro

The Man With Bro Name said...

NYB - What's even more ideal than having a bro-bitch is having a bra-bitch.

There is nothing more convenient to a bro-crew than adopting the DUFF of your slampiece stable and making her the beer bitch. The possibility of getting some bro-pole is usually enough to keep this clingy ho on call for all your delivery needs. Not that she's ever going to get any from you and your bros, but a monthly backhanded complement is usually enough to keep stringing her along since it's more male attention than she'd otherwise get in a year.

We had a beer bitch like this when I was in college. She was the DUFF of the sorority next door and we always made her pick up beer and food for our parties. Her sorority sisters (most of whom were part of our regular slampiece stable) didn't give a shit because they didn't respect her anyway and used her for the same reason we did. She was always more than willing to make beer/pizza/fastfood runs while me and my bros stayed at the bro-pad crushing cases of natty and banging all her slampiece friends. She also always fronted the money because me and my bros "spent all our cash that day on the keg deposit". Not that we had any intention of paying this delivery pig back anyway - she should have known that the actuary table clearly showed a 100% chance of default on the hundreds of dollars in debt our house owed her by the end of the year. Fuck that bitch - if she wants to get paid she can ask Obama for a TARP bailout. All bros are entitled to instant debt forgiveness. Bro life.

Brodega said...

It's always entertaining when a slampig like TheFeminist trolls this site with a bro-hating comment.

This chick is just bitter because she's never been within a hundred miles of poundtown. She's probably so busted that the most action she got in college was a two-pump session with some shoeless hippie bro-hater in her dorm room. And he was only using her as a slumpbuster because even those hipster fags have standards. Thousand bucks says she decided to become a fem-pig after being laughed out of every sorority house during rush week, and even the fugly bull-dykes in her women's studies class considered her the DUFF of the group, which is like being the dumbest kid in special ed class.

Even more amusing is that TheFeminist thinks that bro-hood ends after graduation. Bitch, please. College is merely the BEGINNING of bro-life. After we graduated, our dads hooked us up with sweet-ass, high-paying, do-nothing corporate jobs with fancy sounding titles that attract slampieces like a fucking magnet. We still get fucked up and slay gash daily, and even the fallen bros who snagged a trophy wife are getting side-piece action with their hot secretaries, raw-dogging her ass on the desk in their corner office during their two-hour lunch break.


Go back to your Tori Amos concert, fatty. Or better yet, get your ass into the kitchen of my bro-pad and make me a sammich. Banging slampieces and getting shithoused makes a bro hungry. And my beer better be fucking cold, too.


Bros fucking rule.

Anonymous said...

Nah, this one is lame. The majority are bro-savvy, but no bro should think he can step on feet. Thats fucking bullshit. If your a bro, good shit; you know it, and you don't flaunt it because you respect the prospect of being a bro itself. Having a bitch, unless its a pledge, makes you either a chick or some Napoleonic piece of garbage.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Copyright 2010 Bros Like This Site LLC