Thursday, September 30, 2010

#136 Prescription Medication They Don't Have Prescriptions For

It’s move in day of Freshman year and you’re fucking pumped. After a long ass morning of making your parents carry all your shit to your dorm room, it’s finally time to kick back and start #130 chugging some fucking brew. Before long all the slam pieces in the dorm have sensed there’s a bro in their midst so they rush down to your room so they can get just drunk enough so they can claim they were “wasted” when all the other girls try to label them as a #3 slut for having #131 sex the first night of College. Things are going fucking great, that is until there’s a knock at the door. It’s your roommate. He had been trying to call you all summer long, but you’re a bro, so you obviously didn’t have any time to talk on the fucking phone. As he walks in the room, you wish you had answered his call, because you immediately realize this shit isn’t gonna work out. He’s short, fat as shit, has acne so bad that he looks like fucking Krang from the old school Ninja Turtles cartoons, and worst of all, he’s annoying as shit.

As his parents move him into your room, he won’t shut the fuck up about his fucking Model UN team or the fact he loves to dress up like characters from “Babylon 5.” After talking for 10 minutes about how Japanese animation is BY FAR the best type of animation, he realizes no one’s listening so he yells out, “Perhaps this is a language better suited for you Earth dwellers!!!” and breaks into Klingon. Just as you turn to tell his parents they might as well set up his bed on the couch in the lobby since the Pound Town Express will be making a nightly Midnight ride in your room, his Mom whispers something into his ear. “Oh, alright, Mother!” he yells, grabs a bottle of water, puts something into his mouth, and chugs.

”Wait, what the fuck was that?” you cry out.
“What was what?” loser who’s name you don’t even remember asks.
“What did you just swallow?”
“You mean my Adderall?”

Fucking jackpot. Due to an unanticipated change of heart, you cancel your plan to take a #97 dump in his pillow sack later that night. While he might need those pills to function in his daily life – you need them for a much more important reason – getting fucked up. Let’s just fucking hope he can’t tell the difference between his medication and the Wintergreen Tic Tacs you’re about to replace them with. Bros fucking love un-prescribed prescription medication.

Outside of getting a #122 text message at 3 am from a slam piece saying, “Want 2 hang out?” there’s really nothing that excites a bro more than finding someone who gets prescription medication. I remember my freshman year at William & Mary when we first figured out one kid had a prescription to Adderall. You better fucking believe we pillaged that shit. One Tuesday morning he got his refill and by Tuesday night he had like one pill left. He used to say shit like, “Come on guys, I need these to live!” We’d just tell him he was a loser, then steal his car to go smoke #70 weed on the Parkway. That’s what he got for choosing to have a fucked up brain.

It’s not just Adderall that bros like though, pretty much any pain or mood medication is cool as shit to take recreationally. Anytime someone breaks a bone, bros are the first ones to meet the guy in the hospital. But bros aren’t there to deliver get-well balloons or sign his fucking cast. Bros are there to have three minutes of awkward conversation before dropping a “So, uh, what type of medication they have you on?” A lot of times breaking a bone when you’re wasted is the best thing to ever happen to a bro. Sure the procedure might cost your parents money, but seriously who gives a fuck? If you get a solid pain killer, you can make a fucking fortune selling that shit. The best is when your family members get prescriptions, but they’re all scared they’ll “get addicted” so they don’t even use them. Since bros are conservationists, they don’t want anything going to waste, so you know they find those pills a good home.

Now I can hear you fucking bro-haters complaining already, “Oh my God, NYB!! This is sooo irresponsible! How can you say it’s OK to abuse drugs? Doesn’t the name Crimedog McGruff mean anything to you?” First of all – fuck you. Bros don’t “abuse” drugs. Using prescription drugs to get fucked up is like moving from Standard Definition television to HD – it’s just an enhancement of routine shit. And it’s not like we’re talking about trading 30 minutes of mouth-favors for some fucking Crystal Meth here, we’re talking about PRESCRIPTION medication. Like from a fucking #83 doctor. Sure it’s not technically your prescription, but that’s beside the point. “But people overdose on pain killers all the time!” Fuck off, bros aren’t fucking emo #89 hipsters who hate their parents so they throw on some Indie Rock cassette tape and intentionally overdose just to “cry for help”/get attention. Bros are the smartest people on the fucking planet – you better believe they know their limits.

There comes a time in every bro’s life where he has to face the music. Perhaps the #19 keg’s been kicked or maybe the town’s weed supply is dry. Whatever the case may be, bros don’t curl up in a little ball and cry themselves to sleep like the rest of America would. Bros improvise. When life gives them lemons, bros take those fucking lemons, peg them at losers, and steal their motherfucking prescription medication.

50 comments:

Anonymous said...

noooo doubt

jake said...

i love the extended metaphor use of poundtown in every post. it keeps getting better.
bros for life

Anonymous said...

Last night I did like six klonopins...which was sick

Anonymous said...

amazing i literally took unpresecribed adderall five minutes before logging on to this site and seeing this

Greg Girald-BRO said...

great post NYB

Anonymous said...

I don't need adderall, but my dad is a bro so he got that shit hooked up for me "just incase". Like just incase I need to rally hard on gameday. Bro hard

Bro Pelini said...

"When life gives them lemons, bros take those fucking lemons, peg them at losers, and steal their motherfucking prescription medication."
ahahhahahahahahaha.....this is too fucking great

BROSKI said...

Rx's are the shit.

Sophomore year, my bro got shoulder surgery and I broke my ankle (drunk, obviously) within 2 weeks. We had enough percocet and vicodin to last all semester. I don't know how I did it, but I got my doc to prescribe like 120 percocets, when I only needed like 3 for the actual injury since bros are strong/healthy as shit and heal faster than normal non-bros.

That same year, I met a crazy girl that took ritalin and I would convince her to hand over her entire freshly filled prescription.... right after she got off the express train to POUND TOWN! CHOO CHOO, BROS ARE THE SHIT!!

Brony Montana said...

Go with vyvanse over adderall. The shit lasts long and you don't tweak out like on addy. The shits like cocaine except its legal

Anonymous said...

When life gives them lemons, bros take those fucking lemons, peg them at losers, and steal their motherfucking prescription medication.


fucking classic.

Bruce BouBRO said...

my mom thought i was an alcoholic in high school and took me to see a psychiatrist. lady doctor prescribed me adderall. my mom's retarded concerns scored me a drug that literally helps u cheat at life. its also what steroids are to baseball in the sport of getting as shithoused as possible. basically mild but legal blow candy that ur parents pay for and it doesnt get much better than that for a bro.

Anonymous said...

Ciraquil, vyvanse, vicodin, klonopins, and concerta. All weapons in the arsenal of a true bro.

Scruff McGruff said...

Fuck vyvanse, adderralls 10x better

Anonymous said...

"It’s not just Adderall that bros like though, pretty much any pain or mood medication is cool as shit to take recreationally. Anytime someone breaks a bone, bros are the first ones to meet the guy in the hospital. But bros aren’t there to deliver get-well balloons or sign his fucking cast. Bros are there to have three minutes of awkward conversation before dropping a “So, uh, what type of medication they have you on?” A lot of times breaking a bone when you’re wasted is the best thing to ever happen to a bro. Sure the procedure might cost your parents money, but seriously who gives a fuck? If you get a solid pain killer, you can make a fucking fortune selling that shit. The best is when your family members get prescriptions, but they’re all scared they’ll “get addicted” so they don’t even use them. Since bros are conservationists, they don’t want anything going to waste, so you know they find those pills a good home."


This entire fucking paragraph is spot on. Well done NYB. Looking forward to popping some muscle relaxants tonight.

Anonymous said...

unprescribed is great. prescribed is even better. I get 90 oxycontins a month for the nice little price of 30 dollars.

KC BRoyal said...

Best route: Bros tricking doctors into writing them prescriptions. My roommate freshman year, peddled the shit out of his adderrall. Made bank and always hooked me up with that shit for free.

Anonymous said...

On addy right now... not my prescription. It makes mopeding to class tight as fuck.

boise state BROncos said...

i finally took the girl who had been stalking me to pound town for her brandnew supply of prescribed adderrall... hella tight got laid and majorly fucked up

BroSak said...

Great fucking post NYB. I tore my ACL last year (of course I was tanked) and got surgery this summer. I got 3 prescriptions of Vicodin (180 pills) and have like 10 left now.

Not only are pills fucking sweet, theyll bring in mad money that bros can use to A) buy beer or B) buy weed.

Prescription pills are gods gift to bros, as no race is smart enough to use something free/cheap to get fucked up and make bank.

I, Brobot said...

"On addy right now... not my prescription. It makes mopeding to class tight as fuck."

Mopeds are like fat chicks. Fun to ride till your friends find out... and neither act is something I'd ever brag about...

Miami Redhawks said...

How the fuck can you get 90 oxy for 30 dollars? if you are telling the truth please hook me up

The Emperor Brosephus said...

NYB when do we get a post regarding the #1 stimulant in any bro's arsenal of shit that fucks you up: that's right, I'm talking about motherfucking cocaine. There is probably not a better drug.

Bro Nameth said...

Hell yeah NYB, over the summer i convinced my parents i needed medication and the doctor gave me some bull shit test. I got the sap to prescribe me to adderall and concerta to "see which one works best." Im still trying out both in his eyes, making a fucking fortune when midterm and finals week turns around.

Couldn't agree more man, great post. Still waiting for the post on fantasy football, all bros love chillin on sunday pounding nattis to cure the weekend hangover while watching the nfl trippin out about the games

Aaron BROdgers said...

http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-20018255-10391704.html

he went out like the true bro he was.

Anonymous said...

Great post as always NYB. But no need to hate on crystal meth...shit gets you mad fucked up. Most intense thing I've ever done, but a true bro can handle it, just be careful!

When in doubt, Bro it out. said...

Adderal = Diet Coke. Whenever the white girl is out of town, we crush up so many little yellow pills that our hearts almost explode. Tastes sweet going up the nasal cavity.

Xanex - Making Sunday a funday for years. NYB, what about a Sunday Funday post?
Hungover - Xanex, nugs, crush a few brews.. Football. Fantasy. Not to mention the stellar HBO shows at night. Alot of times it ends up being the best part of my weekend.

GTbrO said...

better believe I use codeine like the TV remote, all day, every day. my grandma doesn't need those old pain pills stocking her drawer, a bro does

Anonymous said...

You're a fucking pussy if you pop pills. All a bro needs to do is Drink, pack lips and smoke cigars. A bro doesn't need anything else. You might as well be a fucking hipster if you're smoking weed and popping pills.

Anonymous said...

you're a dumbass if you think smoking weed and dabbling in prescriptions meds is for pussies.

JimBRO Fisher said...

70mg vyvanse = legal cocaine....
and can what ab xanax? This is the true bro's pill of choice, pop 1.... or 4 and enjoy blacking out and making bad decisions. Bros fuckn rule

Anonymous said...

Adderall is fucking ghetto speed. So is vyvanse, but that's actually enjoyable.

Kpins and Xanax are all a man needs

Anonymous said...

Adderall single handedly got me through undergrad. Time management is all bullshit, just rage and then load up on the shit.

BroSeidon said...

Last Semester, I was #107 Studying Abroad in Bro-Stralia and I broke my wrist in 3 places BLACK OUT drunk.

And since I smoke "too much" #70 Weed, it took 7 vials of morphine to get that the pain to stop post surgery and the gave me a bottle of Oxies.

We were sprinkling that shit on bong hits for weeks. Bros dont feel pain

Anonymous said...

xanax, its a bros best friend. you rake in pussy on it its not even fair for everyone else

Anonymous said...

liquid codeine is all i will say. any time i hear someone coughing i run to there room to "see if there alright" and look around for the beatiful liquid that is codeine

Piss Frat, Haze Hipsters said...

A) great article but I think it had potential to talk about different pills way more

B) whoever said crystal meth is cool needs to back to their trailer park you dirtball cargoshort wearing gdi. all the other hard drugs you're pushing a fine line between bro and someone who works at walmart

C) whoever brought up Sunday nights made a great fucking call. EBD is how to fucking end a week right

D)

Anonymous said...

I love sucking the time release off of like four sugar coated advil. taste like skittles and ur sisters tits

Anonymous said...

top ten drugs for bros to get fucked up on

1. addy - not my favorite, but it is the king without question. while coke is far more stronger/intense/funner it just isnt the all purpose high + study drug that good ole addy appears to be

2. oxycontin, you either got it from your father or you have to pay for it with the inheritance you got from your father. thats bro.

3. cocaine - provides most of the fuel on the pound town express

4. ecstasy - great, but must remove anyone close to non-bro from the area when rolling or they will get all cosmological on you

5. weed - what to do when you got nothing else, still a great time. field trips are a plus

6. other painkillers, namely percocet. vicodin, roxies, purple drank, whatev. not the quite the pure powerhouse of oxycontin but a worthy substitute

7. xanax, kpins, valiums. (not fucking roofies, bros dont need that shit) - dont feel like being aware during a psych lecture/your girlfriends 1.4 millions phone calls? pop a xanny

8. hallucinogens - time and a fucking place for this shit amongst bros...once or twice a pledge class...but they are certainly memorable

9. ambien - and after 7 days of "immaculate" conception with women, bros rested

10. poor mans adderall (ritalin, concerta, vywhatever) - take this shit if you are a freshman or need to concentrate for a syllabus reading. does shit except for make you want to seize

Anonymous said...

" How the fuck can you get 90 oxy for 30 dollars? if you are telling the truth please hook me up
"

health insurance and cancer lmao

unfortunately you need to either be really lucky or in riiculous amounts of pain to get prescribed the big guns

BROby Gerhart said...

adderal is the fucking shit. me and my bros blew 20mgs like tony montana each before going out and it took drinking to the next level. Before i blacked out and woke up to some smokeshow i had to have had at least 30 beers.

Anonymous said...

Not to be a comlete buzzkill, but as a 2nd year med student, former bro, and recepient of Adderall for the treatment of ADHD, be careful bros. It makes it a lot easier to achieve dangerous BAC levels, as well as the stress on the heart of repeated users. And for you idiots who talk about crystal meth use, which by the way is chemically similar to adderall, look up the faces of meth and let me know if thats something you want to be? That being said, keep poundin brews and skanks.

Anonymous said...

very fuckin well said NYB, bros already are entitled to shit thats not their own but whe its not even prescribed to them EVEN BETTER. but we are bros therefore the smartest people alive so we could easily trick doctors for our own stash, tho it isnt twice as fun as stealing it from some pimple faced bro hater too much of a pussy to say no. waiting on a new post. african american slam pieces? yes

Anonymous said...

OC80

Anonymous said...

Back in high school, my bros and I used to get in on MY DOG'S prescription meds! He gets all freaked out during thunderstorms, so the vet prescribed him Xanax. One day my bros and I were fucking bored, so we checked that shit out. His dosage is 8.5mg, THAT SHIT IS 4 TIMES THE NORMAL HUMAN DOSAGE!!! And he kept getting refills! The high school bros and I had some great fucking times with that shit.

...Thank you dog, for supporting the bro cause.

Live bro.

Broseph Paterno said...

Too true, NYB, too true

One thing you forgot though, is the rare population of bros that are prescribed that shit. I had ADD as a kid, and you'd better believe that shit got me some adderall. Fuck yes

Josh BROlin said...

I conned my doctor into hooking me up with a Ritalin script six years ago. Sixty 10mgs a month. Every last one of those fuckers gets smashed up, ground to powder, drawn into a line and snorted up my nose (or a bros).

I switch back and forth between Vitamin R and Addies, but R is definitely better for snorting.

Anonymous said...

want a great fucking trip? pop 500mg of trammies, and you will be fucked up for a whole day. took some and went to class, best decesion of my life. everything was fucking amazing.

Anonymous said...

prescription drugs are good but illegal drugs are way better... just the other weekend my good buddy who is a bro. decided that we were gonna pop some m. and as i bro i accepted because turning down a good time is a stupid fucking idea.

fuckinbroshit said...

you should write about fucking girlfriends that arent your girlfriend

Anonymous said...

If I see a white boy who's overdosed on one of these medications, I will know it was one of you idiots. Can't even spell half the drug names right. Good riddance.

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