Thursday, October 7, 2010

#137 Tucker Max

For thousands of years, society’s brocist tool that is “the Media” kept us down. Even though we're obviously the superior life form on this planet, there was no way for us to tell the World our story and unite with our bros across the globe. While publishers continued to churn out books about making Potpurri or “How To Make Money If You’re Too Fat and Ugly To Trick a Guy Into Marrying You,” bros were fucking silenced. No one wanted to hear about classic bro pastimes such as #24 unprotected sex with strangers, getting so #1 wasted you #48 puke on other people, or a good old-fashioned revenge #97 upper-decker. While girls had countless books geared towards their interests – like how to deal with a #123 heavy flow – bros didn’t have shit outside of those few pages in “Catcher in the Rye” where Holden Caulfield gets that fucking hooker. That all changed when the Frederick Douglass of bro rights decided enough was enough.

Weathering incredible brocism, he bore the burden knowing that his struggle would provide a better life for bros. Somehow, through immeasurable hatred, he was able to rise up and deliver the message that needed to be delivered. In all honesty, it’s importance truly warrants it’s contents to be titled “The Bible 2,” but knowing that wouldn’t be doing it justice since it’s written by the man himself and not some fucking groupies – he called it “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell.” While many brocists are quick to label this pioneer with hateful names like, “Asshole” “Liar” or “Disgrace to Mankind,” there’s only one term I can think of that so perfectly describes what this man means to the bro community: “Hero.” Bros fucking love Tucker Max.

Honestly, what isn’t to love about Tucker Max? His existence is based entirely around #88 getting wasted at inappropriate times, #44 making ugly girls feel bad about the way they were born, and banging as many slam pieces as possible. And what’s his reason behind this, other than being genetically programmed to do so? It’s to tell the story.

I remember the first time I read some of Tucker Max’s shit – I was a lost soul. After graduating College, more and more bro-haters were telling me that I was getting too old to be puking my fucking brains out on a Sunday morning. They’d ask “How many times do you have to #36 piss your bed before you realize you have a problem?” They’d even call me a “criminal” for using a credit card someone forgot with their check at a restaurant to run up a $2,000 bar tab. And you want to know something scary? I started to believe them. I started to think that since College ended, the fun needed to end too. That is until I found Tucker Max. Tucker taught me that it doesn’t matter how old you are, you don’t need to fucking assimilate to society’s plan. There’s a reason bros get fucked up and bang slam pieces – because it’s fucking fun as shit. Why the fuck should this stop when you graduate College? When bros read Tucker Max’s shit, it’s as if they’re reading their own biography. They fucking love it so much because it’s so real and pretty much any chapter in the book could be substituted with a night in a bro’s life.

Now I hate all those people out there who say shit like, “He’s just making these stories up!” or “Where’s the proof!?” Who the fuck needs proof? If you’re a bro, you realize that all these stories COULD have taken place and probably did. People who claim that the stories are too “far-fetched” are nothing more than fucking losers who put up fake facebook statuses on Saturday night saying they’re wasted so people think they’re cool. They don’t believe him because they’ve never lived a fucking day in their life as a bro. And don’t even get me started on the fucking #133 feminists who claim Max is “too obscene” and should be censored. These bro-haters live in a fucking shroud of political correctness where the only acceptable books involve the elimination of the Male population. Protesting freedom of speech for some after spending decades begging for yours doesn’t make you a crusader – it makes you a fucking idiot.

This past week marked another epic victory for bros across the country. The arrival of Tucker Max’s new book “Assholes Finish First” symbolizes the next step in our never-ending quest to end brocism. In the coming weeks, as Max’s new collection of stories rises up the New York Times Bestseller list like a 6th grader who just discovered porn's boner, so too will bros’ inspiration to do what they do best – get fucking wasted and bang slam pieces. Tucker Max isn’t a Bro King – he’s a fucking Bro Dynasty.

48 comments:

Anonymous said...

Tucker Max is a fucking Bro King!

Anonymous said...

After reading this, I feel like I died and ascended to bro-heaven, to be greeted by Tucker Max, lord and savior of all chay-dome.

Thad Castle said...

Agreed NYB. Tucker Max is definitely a Bro Dynasty.

Anonymous said...

Tucker Max is without a doubt a GDI. Major disappointment NYB...

Browen Wilson said...

Tucker Max is the shit. His stories are inspiration to bros around the globe. Another fucking great author is Maddox, his website is pretty much an entire hate speech to bro-haters. End brocism.

Anonymous said...

I too recently graduated college and I'll be honest, at first it really sucked. But I am glad be able to read the tales of my fellow bros NYB and Tucker Max to remind me that in no way does graduating college mean you have graduated from being a bro.

Anonymous said...

Honestly, Tucker Max's clumsy prose is distracting. He's without a doubt an enormous bro if he actually does the shit he claims, but dude could use a ghostwriter. I get that, like NYB, Tucker Max is going for a somewhat self-parodying caricature thing; but where NYB's writing manages to maintain a likable voice without losing the "intentional douchebag" edge, Tucker Max's brand of "I'm trying too hard, but I'm not because I just admitted that I'm trying too hard!" really does come off forced.

Vincent Van Bro said...

Being a bro, I tend to avoid acts such as "reading", and leave it to the nerds. But I got much respect for T Max. He's right up there with Patrick Swayze in Point Break in terms of fellow bros I could see myself ripping some shots with, blacking out, and slammin bitches. Go where the wind Bros.

Anonymous said...

Fucking Amen

Anonymous said...

@1159. He went to U Chicago. Even if they had frats Im sure that they were lame as fuck. Tucker Max's left nut is more of a bro then 99.9% of the brommunity.

Anonymous said...

anonymous, u just sounded like such an intellectual bro-hater hipster faggot. u guys can never appreciate anything for what it is. who the fuck cares what tone or voice tucker max has. its fucking entertaining. just shut the fuck up and finish getting ur phd in english literature.

i saw tucker max come speak at ohio state in the spring of '09. there was a feminist group there that had planted themselves throughout the audience and every time he talked one of them would blow a rape whistle or air horn. he burned fucking all of them. "dont worry honey, ur ugly as fuck nobodys gonna rape you." there was one guy in this feminist group, and when he stoop up and blew his whistle the whole auditorium had a "HES A VIRGIN" chant going. i love being a bro.

Marian-Bro Rivera said...

Tears of joy after reading this post...the most exciting thing about this book was the fact that he is coming out with ANOTHER one next year. The Tuckerfest Story had me almost shitting myself laughing.

Anonymous said...

NYB, besides the EPIC and amazing Holden Caulfield reference, disappointed. Tucker Max is an enormous GDI who never would have got a bid because he cant keep his mouth shut. Everyone loved Tucker in high school because we didnt know how college/getting drunk outside of house parties worked. While he is obviously very intelligent, a good story teller and writer, he is completely full of shit. He makes it up. Which is fine with me, its hilarious. but lets refer from calling him a bro dynasty ok.

Also his movie was a piece of shit and even though we got it on demand and i was wasted watching it, i want my money back.

Also, i met him when i was 17 at a bar we snuck into and he signed my buddies sperry cuz he refused to buy a book because "books suck."

Jeff Fisher said...

I love this site. Maybe my favorite site out there. I love you NYB. But this post is a disgrace. Tucker Max is one of the biggest Jabronis of all time

I went to Duke!!! Dude I totally banged that chick and then puked on her!!!

No you didnt

Well this friend of mine, him and her got. it. on.

No they didnt

well you can imagine....


even Mystery from Pick Up Artist gets more ass than this GDI


I wear Costa Del Mars on the sidelines of football games. I look like Bob Weir. I am the ultimate bro in the NFL Jeff Fisher

(dont even like the titans, just sayin)

Anonymous said...

It's wannabes like ^Jeff fisher^ who have to make up for their lack of balls and manhood by wearing what they think looks "fratty" cause you think it makes you look cool. i can wear underwear and running shoes and still get more ass and respect than people like you.
And as ridiculous as some of Tucker Max's stories are, they aren't that unbelievable if you're real and know what's up.
Well said NYB.

Anonymous said...

Yeah all you dipshits bitching about this post clearly didn't read it.

"Now I hate all those people out there who say shit like, “He’s just making these stories up!” or “Where’s the proof!?” Who the fuck needs proof? If you’re a bro, you realize that all these stories COULD have taken place and probably did. People who claim that the stories are too “far-fetched” are nothing more than fucking losers who put up fake facebook statuses on Saturday night saying they’re wasted so people think they’re cool. They don’t believe him because they’ve never lived a fucking day in their life as a bro."

Fuckin idiots. Even if some of these stories are made up they are shit we could of and have done. It's putting our fucking lifestyle mainstream. And people are accepting it. It is fucking important. Besides, even if he didn't do all the shit in the first book I bed the fame from it got him more pussy than you whiny bitches could imagine. Shut the fuck up and respect it for what it is.

Brostas & Broakies on my Cock said...

He was funny at first but his movie fucking blew cock like Brittany Murphy's dead face. Hopefully his movie redeems him.

That said-

A) He is a total gdi and indeed has a lisp

B) he's a scrawny little shit. Met him on his book your...his friends seem like they'd be more fun to hang out with

C) more importantly, whoever called out people for looking fratty and wearing croakies- YEAH, SUCKS HAVING MONEY you gdi fucktard

Anonymous said...

King Max, best bible ever written.

Kenny Browers said...

I'd say that 90% of the time NYB's posts on this site are funny and dead on... but he's not really endorsing this lifestyle as much as making fun of it while being clever. But I will give him this... the posts are damn clever and some of the funniest stuff on the Internet. Once in a while he slips up and says some questionable stuff... he had his old blog linked on here where he made fun of girls for being rich and voting for GWB (can't find the link now)... he has an older post on how "Ultimate Fighting" is bro... this is another one of those posts.

Tucker Max is a tool who made up some stories about being a bro and capitalized off of losers like the people defending him to make himself rich. So if you are defending this douche and buying his books, you are failing in multiple ways by a)believing made up shit and b)thinking you are cool for doing this and c)giving your money to a huge poser.

The fact that he has money now is irrelevant and shows how poorly some people on here grasp what being a bro even is. Many incredibly douchey people have money, and are just rich losers. It's not that his stories are cool he has no proof... some of them just make no sense and are clearly fiction he came up with to sell shit to idiots. He was on Opie and Anthony and they called him out on it and he got pissed... obviously. I remember reading a story on his site and just thinking how none of it even sounded believable. If that's the best stuff you can think of reading, you are clearly too dumb to be a bro anyways.

As Kenny Powers would say, you're fuckin' out!

Anonymous said...

you forgot how he owned that slampiece from Florida in the supreme court. that day, i nearly fucking cried, because i saw brocism in this country fading.

Brominican Republic said...

Haha all these Bro's that are hating on Tucker Max have clearly never even lived a day let alone a weekend in a bros shoes. All true bros do is get fucked up, bang models and have ridiculous stories to tell afterwards. Sorry if you have trouble believing that people out there are pulling far more (and hotter) ass than you, but its true. So suck it posers.

Anonymous said...

max just had a book signing event up in northeastern ohio a couple of days ago. fucking sweet to meet the man, the truth, and the legend. and to have something to carry away that will last a lifetime. holy shit, amazing. hornyak is one of those guys youre always making fun of at Univ of Akron....one of my bros had Tucker sign it "hornyak is a douchebag-Tucker Max" fucking lost it!

Anonymous said...

To everyone calling out GDIs: GDIs can be bros. The frats at my school are absolute shit. They can't even drink at their house...why the hell would I join?

SouthernRushChair said...

I met Tucker Max a while back, have my fave Koozie signed by him. He pretty much told me that he would have been greek if he went to a state school and that I shouldnt go to law school and waste me time. Legend.

lolTUGAlol said...

great post

Anonymous said...

Maureen Dowd is a brocist feminist Liberal Bitch. She wrote a story about my school and it almost expelled the bros that did it. Great Post Though.

Anonymous said...

I knew that this post would attract controversy and mixed opinions. To the fucking bro haters, Tucker doesn't write fake shit. His story on the Miss Vermont almost got his site taken down for good, and I'm pretty sure it landed him in court. Along with that, some slut got "I FUCKED TUCKER MAX" tattooed on her waist, and there's a picture of it on his site. So to all you fucking bro haters, Tucker Max is in fact a Bro Dynasty.

Anonymous said...

These anonymous GDIs talking crap about Tucker Max are probably the grenade fat chicks that he yelled at with his blowhorn. He is more real that your FUPA.

His new book is even better than the last. I have it in hardback and its already getting passed around the bro-ocracy in my city

Beatrice Howe said...

Hello all you gentle and kind souls, God bless you all.
Once again I am utterly appalled with the visceral rhetoric and content of speech in this blog! I mean come on people! Every born again knows that tucker max is a heethen and that his behavior is atrocious! I sit in bed sometimes and touch my twat thinking about how much of an asshole he really is, pardon my french hehe! The first time I read Tucker max's book I not only cringed but nearly stabbed one of my Now 14 cats. They are so cute and cuddly. One even has a little stripe down it's side that I call cream puff. What a gem! He is only 7 months now and loves to play with the auto flush toilets at the truck stop we Commonly frequent where I get pounded out by nice cumbersome gentleman of latin descent, did I
say that? Hehehe. Anyways god loves you all and I really hope you are saved when the world ends in 2012,have a nice day!

Anonymous said...

holy shit you read my mind. I just finished reading i hope they serve beer in hell and started assholes finish first last night when i go check if youve posted again and the minute it loads i was so happy. great post tucker max is a fucking bro king of bro kings for being smart enough to record his broventures for all the world to see and be jealous of

Anonymous said...

I know as a chick (A bra? A slut? A bitch? I’m not sure the proper nomenclature), I shouldn't be here, and I acknowledge that I am an unwelcomed voyeur. But as one of the many hundreds of lucky females who have met Tucker Max, and his penis, I feel I should interject my professional opinion.

Tucker Max, the actual person, is everything he claims to be, and more. I was actually present for one of the stories included in Assholes Finish First, and he wrote about it with all the honesty and hilarity it deserved. Tucker Max may be the most genuine person I have ever met, and deserves his place in bro history, and just plain history, too.

He is just as outrageous as his stories would have you believe, and he gets more ass thrown at him in a night than most guys could handle in a lifetime. There is no one on earth I respect more, EVEN considering the fat chicks he's fucked. The man is an IV of jager bombs straight into your bloodstream- being in his presence is the most human you'll ever feel. And you will piss grain alcohol and excellence for weeks after. I encourage any man who wants to best use the great gift of a penis to emulate him, or better yet, follow his example and be your own fucking person, jesus.

And yes, even someone with a vagina can appreciate the awesomeness of the bro movement, and Tucker as its spearhead. I refuse to suck the dick of any man who doesn’t respect Tucker Max. I have standards. If I wanted to fuck pussies, I just would. And occasionally do.

God bless bros, each and every one. My sex life would be a sad, boring, shell of a life, without them.

Also, Holden Caulfield sucks. Read some fucking John Kennedy Toole for a real brotagonist.

Anonymous said...

i was just watching i hope they serve beer in hell on hbo and decided to go to this site to remind myself what bros are about and this was the most recent post. bro destiny

Nick said...

Kenny Browers--You miss the most crucial element of Max's writing: it is intended to amuse. I don't care if it's accurate, real, whatever...I care that he makes me laugh. Much like this site. If you ever sat through a meaningless work day struggling to amuse yourself, you understand this. I read plenty of fiction (a bro-crime itself, I'm aware) and non-fiction. Why would I be worried if, in this case, Max's stories were either.

Taking Frat Back said...

This site has been hijacked by short-shorts wearing fairies from TFM. I don't give a fuck what you slack jawed SEC yokel's say, wearing boat shoes and the male equivalent of booty shorts is not bro. Neither is trashing an undisputed pillar of the Brommunity that's been slamming nothing but dimepieces since you were in Middle School trying not to get boners in gym.

-Taking Frat Back

Anonymous said...

Last year in Comp 1 I wrote a comparative essay on Tucker Max vs. Kenny Powers. Having the bro hater teacher that I did she gave me a D, and told me I "missed the point of the assignment, and I could redo it if I wanted." I didn't redo the assignment and told her my paper was fine, she sighed and regraded it and I got a B. BRO!

Anonymous said...

as great of stories as Tucker Max has, he is still a GDI

Bro Patterno said...

That sounds like a phenomenal essay. You should post that shit on here for all to see.

StringerBell said...

Tucker Max is worshiped by GDIs. He ain't a bro. His writing sucks. His movie was fucking awful. He's a hasbeen.

$Big-Easy$ said...

Tucker Max is a GDI granted, but you won't find anyone who has done more to help the fight against brocism than Tucker Max.

The dude grew up in Kentucky, went to a great school with a joke social life. He made a big mistake by going to UC-Chicago, bro-hater central but graduating from Duke law is bro as shit. Other than Cornell where are you gonna find the biggest concentration of trust-fund WASP's in the country.

Tucker Max isn't a bro per se but he embodies the spirit of "bro hard or go home" just without a trust-fund backing him up.

Hamilton Unbound said...

NYB - I hope you are raising a lot of money because this website's content is sooner or later anger the bro-hater nation... don't forget that they crucified Jesus

Anonymous said...

All of the absolute pieces of shit on here crying about " but NYB, Tucker is a GDI, that means he can't be cool. Cuz he doesn't look and sound identical to everyone that's in a fraternity" grow the fuck up and realize your not the only bros with money out there. And I guarantee 99% of you aren't doin half the shit GDI's are where I'm from. And before you try and say somethin typical like " you couldn't get in a frat" I turned my bids down.

Didn't need to join a group of guys who think dressing all identical makes us tight. Didn't need to join a frat so I could feel wanted and a part of something. That's what college athletics are for, but then again that's prob why your in a frat

SpongeBroBigDick said...

The only "books" bros read are the daily racing form, and playboy.

Slam Piece said...

When i have a son I hope he's just like tucker max

BROger Federer said...

tucker max got an x-ray tech to make an xray video of her giving him head. what a fucking bro. is there anything more bro than fucking dumb slampieces?

http://www.break.com/usercontent/2009/8/tucker-max-sex-ray-1105865.html

Anonymous said...

Whoa, this site just got a whole less lot bro. Max Tucker is lame as shit. The only people who like him are losers who don't have stories of their own.

Anonymous said...

I'm a girl and I get a kick out of reading Tucker Max stories. My boyfriend showed the books to be about a month ago and I die of laughter everytime! Tucker Max is a BRO! ~ES

The Bitchy Truth said...

Tucker Max is a great writer!

Anonymous said...

So, how do you guys feel about TheMatingGrounds that Tucker Max started doing?

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