For thousands of years, society’s brocist tool that is “the Media” kept us down. Even though we're obviously the superior life form on this planet, there was no way for us to tell the World our story and unite with our bros across the globe. While publishers continued to churn out books about making Potpurri or “How To Make Money If You’re Too Fat and Ugly To Trick a Guy Into Marrying You,” bros were fucking silenced. No one wanted to hear about classic bro pastimes such as #24 unprotected sex with strangers, getting so #1 wasted you #48 puke on other people, or a good old-fashioned revenge #97 upper-decker. While girls had countless books geared towards their interests – like how to deal with a #123 heavy flow – bros didn’t have shit outside of those few pages in “Catcher in the Rye” where Holden Caulfield gets that fucking hooker. That all changed when the Frederick Douglass of bro rights decided enough was enough.
Weathering incredible brocism, he bore the burden knowing that his struggle would provide a better life for bros. Somehow, through immeasurable hatred, he was able to rise up and deliver the message that needed to be delivered. In all honesty, it’s importance truly warrants it’s contents to be titled “The Bible 2,” but knowing that wouldn’t be doing it justice since it’s written by the man himself and not some fucking groupies – he called it “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell.” While many brocists are quick to label this pioneer with hateful names like, “Asshole” “Liar” or “Disgrace to Mankind,” there’s only one term I can think of that so perfectly describes what this man means to the bro community: “Hero.” Bros fucking love Tucker Max.
Honestly, what isn’t to love about Tucker Max? His existence is based entirely around #88 getting wasted at inappropriate times, #44 making ugly girls feel bad about the way they were born, and banging as many slam pieces as possible. And what’s his reason behind this, other than being genetically programmed to do so? It’s to tell the story.
I remember the first time I read some of Tucker Max’s shit – I was a lost soul. After graduating College, more and more bro-haters were telling me that I was getting too old to be puking my fucking brains out on a Sunday morning. They’d ask “How many times do you have to #36 piss your bed before you realize you have a problem?” They’d even call me a “criminal” for using a credit card someone forgot with their check at a restaurant to run up a $2,000 bar tab. And you want to know something scary? I started to believe them. I started to think that since College ended, the fun needed to end too. That is until I found Tucker Max. Tucker taught me that it doesn’t matter how old you are, you don’t need to fucking assimilate to society’s plan. There’s a reason bros get fucked up and bang slam pieces – because it’s fucking fun as shit. Why the fuck should this stop when you graduate College? When bros read Tucker Max’s shit, it’s as if they’re reading their own biography. They fucking love it so much because it’s so real and pretty much any chapter in the book could be substituted with a night in a bro’s life.
Now I hate all those people out there who say shit like, “He’s just making these stories up!” or “Where’s the proof!?” Who the fuck needs proof? If you’re a bro, you realize that all these stories COULD have taken place and probably did. People who claim that the stories are too “far-fetched” are nothing more than fucking losers who put up fake facebook statuses on Saturday night saying they’re wasted so people think they’re cool. They don’t believe him because they’ve never lived a fucking day in their life as a bro. And don’t even get me started on the fucking #133 feminists who claim Max is “too obscene” and should be censored. These bro-haters live in a fucking shroud of political correctness where the only acceptable books involve the elimination of the Male population. Protesting freedom of speech for some after spending decades begging for yours doesn’t make you a crusader – it makes you a fucking idiot.
This past week marked another epic victory for bros across the country. The arrival of Tucker Max’s new book “Assholes Finish First” symbolizes the next step in our never-ending quest to end brocism. In the coming weeks, as Max’s new collection of stories rises up the New York Times Bestseller list like a 6th grader who just discovered porn's boner, so too will bros’ inspiration to do what they do best – get fucking wasted and bang slam pieces. Tucker Max isn’t a Bro King – he’s a fucking Bro Dynasty.