Thursday, January 27, 2011

#149 Knowing When a Girl is a Slut

It’s 30 minutes to midnight on #99 New Year’s Eve and it’s time to make your fucking move. Everywhere you look there are groups of girls dancing in circles just praying some random guy will come up behind them to start #29 grinding. You know it could easily be you anonymously rubbing your crotch on their ass, but you can just sense something’s not right with them. Sure they’re desperate as shit, but there’s a reason that they’re contemplating joining Match.com tonight – they probably don’t put out. You don’t know how you know, but it’s just the blank, innocent look on their face and the fact that they’re wearing a dress designed to hide their gut, so you move on. That’s when you see her in the corner. The only thing drawing you away from her seductively half-closed drunken eyes is the reflection from her sequin dress. Not only is this girl hot – but you can tell immediately she’s down to fuck. You barely say hello before she’s all over you on the dance floor, and before long it’s become obvious: your midnight kiss will be just the beginning of a long night of pounding some strange. Sure you could have punted on second down with that hopeless group of lip stick pigs – but you’re a bro and you never settle for anything less than a score. Bros fucking love knowing when a girl is a slut.

When bros go out, there’s only one thing they’re looking to do: get fucking laid. So it’s understandable that over time bros have become evolutionally capable just by looking at a girl to tell whether she’s a slut and therefore, worth a bro’s time. Bros aren’t fucking losers who go out hoping to have a deep conversation with a girl in order to make a “connection” and get “digits” so they can go talk about their College majors over some fucking soft-serve. Bros demand instant gratification, and to be honest I’d even contend we’ve earned the right after dealing with years of Bropression. So how do bros channel that sixty-ninth sense to identify sluts? Let’s take a look:

How She Acts At The Bar – Girls go to the bar for three primary reasons: 1)To tag along with her boyfriend until he’s ready for #131 Drunk Sex. 2) Because she’s fat/ugly and out “just to dance” with the girls. And 3) To bang a stranger. Obviously bros are only interested in option #3, so how do you recognize them? It’s really almost like she’s in heat – like that hot alien chick from “Species.” She needs the fucking seed of a man – and luckily for her, you’re there to provide that shit. You really don’t even need to look that hard for her, 9 times out of 10 she’ll find you. The greatest moment in any bro’s life is when some hot slam piece comes up to him out of nowhere to start grinding. Whenever a girl initiates contact with a bro at the bar – you might as well stick a fork in her because she’s about to be done.

Reputation – While a reputation for a Bro could mean a death sentence on a College campus, there’s no better tool for knowing when a girl is a slut than her rep. There’s always that one girl who everyone knows that all you have to do is talk to her for like five minutes and you’re guaranteed ass. Bros always scope the bar to make sure they know exactly where these Megasluts are just in case they’re in danger of going home empty handed. Sometimes they might even lay the groundwork by telling them, “Hey, if I don’t find anyone else tonight, I’ll definitely consider going home with you.” Normal girls might take this as an insult, but Megasluts have no self-esteem (or soul), so they take it as a compliment.

What She’s Wearing – In one of the greatest acts of Brocism, girls will actually refuse to dress like a slut because they’re afraid of what other girls might think. How ridiculous is that? Is the point of going out winning the approval of ugly girls or is it to bang bros? Thankfully, true sluts break through this judgment because they realize the easiest way to getting railed out on a bed covered with a bro’s unfolded laundry is going out dressed like fucking Elvira. Honestly, the more cleavage shown, the bigger the slut. I’ll never fucking understand those girls who claim they’re not a slut, yet go out with their fucking tits falling out of their dress. Really? What, you just accidentally bought a dress three sizes too small and then spent two hours fitting inside it because, I don’t know, all your other outfits were dirty or some shit? Fucking please – everyone knows you’re just trying to get banged.

Sometimes being a bro is tough. Whenever you’re one of the smartest, most important, and #109 best looking people on the fucking planet, you’re bound to have thousands of girls throwing their bodies at you. Much like the Planeteers combined their powers to create Captain Planet, bros harness their senses to identify sluts at the bar in order to accomplish something much more important than cleaning up the fucking environment: getting laid. Divide and conquer, bros.

29 comments:

Anonymous said...

Divide and conquer.

brosef hess said...

fuckin awesome NYB. been waitin on one like this for a while

Tom Brolfes said...

Truer words can never be spoken NYB. God bless sluts, and God bless the bros that bang them!

Anonymous said...

Captain planet reference. Totally bro. Keep broing hard NYB.

Anonymous said...

Sluts are the shit.

Anonymous said...

perfect post going into national bro weekend. NYB is a philosopher to go down in history. divide and conquer.

BROger Federer said...

"Much like the Planeteers combined their powers to create Captain Planet." Fucking a dude, fucking a. I pride myself on my slut detection skills. Bro on.

The Man With Bro Name said...

Easy ways to tell that a girl is a slut:


1) Oddly-spelled name (i.e. Sindee instead of Cindy, Karyn instead Karen, Aimee instead of Amy). Stripper name = stripper personality.

2) Oddly-pronounced name: (i.e. "Danelle" instead of "Danielle", "Tear-a" instead of "Tara". Weird pronunciation = attention whore = actual whore.

3) Smokes cigarettes. If she smokes, she pokes.

4) Smokes weed. Nothing gets a girl wetter than being high.

5) Tramp stamp. This one should be pretty obvious.

6) Still wears sorority t-shirts after college. Means she's looking to re-live her undergrad days, including getting passed around like a village bicycle.

7) Has a king-sized bed.

8) Single, but has two nightstands in her room (one on each side of the bed).

9) Divorced parents. Nothing turns a girl into a slut faster than daddy issues.

10) Refers to ex-boyfriends as "this guy I dated....", as opposed to "my ex".

11) Piercings. The number of piercings a slampiece has is often a good estimate of the number of guys she's banged.

Keith Stone said...

The Pound Town Express rolls on.

Fratrick Kane said...

Haha, fantastic NYB. So true about the girl who everyone knows you can talk to for 5 minutes and be guaranteed boning her later!

GMC BROnoma said...

Lol to The Man With Bro Name... quality checklist in segregating the slut population from prudes. well done.

Anonymous said...

This sentence "Bros aren’t fucking losers who go out hoping to have a deep conversation with a girl in order to make a “connection” and get “digits” so they can go talk about their College majors over some fucking soft-serve." ...is true for over half the fags at a bar on a given night...makes me fucking sick.

boise state BROncos said...

another great way to tell if a girl is a slut is by the way she grinds. if she is bent over grabbing her ankles you might as well pull up her skank length dress and initiate a good ol' fashion pounding.

IDABRO said...

NYB, fucking golden post. a bro's slut radar is even more finely tuned than his gay-dar, and it only seems to become more accurate the drunker the bro is.

word out to my BROnco BRO up above me! we keep the 208 safe from brocists

Anonymous said...

BROncos, in addition, if she instantly grabs your hands ant puts them on her tits u know shees dtf

Anonymous said...

bro when are you gonna do one for Charlie Sheen he's a fuckign bro-king

Charles BRO-kley said...

I didn't think you could top "Sure you could have punted on second down with that hopeless group of lip stick pigs"...but the Captain Planet reference was priceless.

And I agree with the poster above me...we need a Charlie Sheen reference, blog post, possibly even an entire book written on him.

Anonymous said...

i wish i could put into words the shit that goes down in my life the way that you do, Bro. i just came back from a baby bender in a college town which included banging said slut who, when our eyes met, knew where our next stop was... this Poundtown business is like fucking clockwork. in the morning before she woke up, i noticed, and stole her ipod with "Happy 19th Ashleigh from Mom and Dad XoXo" inscribed, really just for the story... checked up on this fantastic website and read this shit. Outstanding.

BROklahoma City Thunder said...

NYB - this shit is so true. But I would definitely like to see a post about some Strange. It would be too funny

Bro Flacco 5 said...

NYB, gotta hand it to you, another great post. Unrelated, but "Campus PD" - probably the most depressing show currently on the air, following bro-haters at work.

Brod Stewart said...

Is it bro to piss off your little brother in the fraternity by sleeping on his futon on your first visit back to campus as an alum, on the first night getting too drunk to function and peeing in his Gatorade bottle, then putting it back into his fridge where it spilled? Then the next day (gameday at an SEC school), locking him and his date to the game out of his room for afternoon delight in his bed? This is after he already almost stopped talking to you for railing a girl he had a thing for your last semester of college. Like multiple times.

BROldman Sachs said...

Not bro dude. Cockblocking is almost never bro, unless you are cockblocking someone so one of your bros can get it done. You sound like a fucking dick, and while assholery is a key bro characteristic, I'm ashamed to have you in our ranks.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for your douchey stories and insights. You both sound like chotches. Fucking great article. What was that baseball movie with Sheen, Major League? That was a solid film.

Pillsbury BROboy said...

NYB, i've gotta ask,
would you say packing lips is super bro or seriously un bro? my bros and i have been For a while now its chill nd shit especially during hockey season, no much else to do before games

Super BROwl said...

good shit anonymous ipod bro, One night this slampiece left her handbag at my house (i hosted a banger of course), upon seeing it i immediately looked for valuabes. After promptly washing my hands after i touched a tampon i snatched a 32gig ipod touch... Bingo. bitch walks back in as i slip it in my pocket, hour later i get a txt about a missing ipod and invite her over to "find it". moral of the story is i had the bitch blowing me with her ipod in my pocket little did she know it was 3 inches from her knees, boarded the express. End of story

Anonymous said...

I think I found my new favorite website

Anonymous said...

If she wants to blow u in front of her daughter

Anonymous said...

hahahahaha what^ anyway great article! man with bro name brilliant checklist - bone and be out fellow bros! kiwi in london aka bro-moan samoan

Anonymous said...

all of you are womanizing cocksuckers

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