Bros fucking hate the winter. If you live in a part of the country that doesn’t have seasons, or if “winter” means it’s 50 degrees everyday, consider yourself lucky. For most of us, every year from November to March, winter means freezing cold temperatures, shitloads of snow, no fucking sunlight, and depression. Obviously, all this shitty weather never stops bros from going out to get fucked up. In fact, whenever there’s a huge snowstorm the first thing a bro thinks is, “We HAVE to go to the bar.” This is because bros are genetically superior human beings. Honestly, if bros can’t get #142 blackout drunk on a Monday night, then the fucking terrorists will have won. You know who doesn’t make it out to the bar in freezing temperatures? That’s right, fucking slam pieces. Since they’re by definition the fairer aka weaker sex, girls hate cold more than the motherfucking Transformers do. Rather than doing what they were put on this Earth to do, bang bros, girls “make it a movie night!” Or even worse, when they actually do make it out to the bar, they’re wearing like 20 fucking layers of clothes. This has got to be fat girls’ favorite time of the year. Everyone’s covered up, so you can’t tell who’s the heffer and who’s actually hot until you reach around during a #29 grinding session to be met with a fucking handful of belly-lard. Whenever this happens to me, I’ll scream “LIAR” in her face and if for some reason I bought her a drink, I’ll smack it to the ground. Honestly I’d rather fucking burn a $100 bill than buy a beer for a fat girl.
Anyways, the point is that while enduring this stretch of cold weather and worst of all, cold streaks that make Concentration Camps seem like Disney World, bros need to get away. They need to get the fuck out of town to a place where the beer flows like wine. To a place where beautiful women flock like the salmon of Capistrano. Of course, I’m talking about a little place called a Ski Trip.
BREAKING NEWS: Bros are #135 rich as shit. So, it really shouldn’t surprise you that within every group of bros, there’s at least one whose parents have a house in the mountains. Now I know a lot of you out there are going to argue that “bros only snowboard,” but fuck you. Skiing is bro as shit, too. I tried to snowboard once, but since I didn’t grow up wearing Jencos, wallet chains, and Airwalks to the skateboard park so I could practice my fucking “ollies” and talk about how much I like to cut myself during Slipknot songs, snowboarding didn’t come naturally to me. Whatever though, it really doesn’t matter if you ski or snowboard as long as you do it like a bro. Here’s a couple ways to make your ski trip fucking legendary:
Give People Shit From the Chair Lift: Whenever Bros are #8 rolling deep at the bar, they’re fucking invincible. You can say whatever the fuck you want to whoever the fuck you want and KNOW they won’t do anything about it because of how many people you’ve got with you. The same goes for the chair lift. I always root for skiers right below me to crash, and when they do, I’ll scream some shit like, “Stick to the bunny slopes, you fucking retard!” or “People with Cerebral Palsy shouldn’t be skiing!” If they talk back, I’ll usually just start making fun of their physical characteristics or how ugly their children are. So what if he tracks you down? Even better - it’s bro as shit to get in a #121 fist fight with some old guy in front of his children.
Drink and Ski – One of the greatest things about skiing/snowboarding is that there’re no fucking rules. Sure there’s signs posted saying to “Stay in Control” and shit, but what the fuck happens to you if you don’t? Nothing, that’s what. There’s no fucking bro-hater lifeguards out there, and there’s definitely no checkpoint at the ski lifts seeing if you’re sober. Therefore, bros get wasted as shit before they hit the mountain. “But NYB! You could be risking children’s lives out there!!” Fuck that and fuck you. Bros are experts at doing shit drunk, especially skiing. Besides, the only time bros ever endanger children’s lives is when we flush them down the toilet in our used condoms. Honestly, if people didn’t want their kids run over by drunk bros on snowboards, then they shouldn’t have brought them skiing at a fucking resort. Leave the slopes to the drunken professionals and stick to the arcade you snowplowing pieces of shit.
As winter endlessly drags on, bros realize there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Within just a few short months, hot girls everywhere will be dismounting their treadmills where they spent the entire season preparing for that #128 bikini. Over the coming weeks, as the snow starts to melt, so, too, will the panties. Until then, bros will distract themselves by dominating mountains across the country. “Stay In Control?” Yeah, fucking right, everyone knows bros only have one speed – Mach 69.