Thursday, February 24, 2011

#153 Ski Trips

Bros fucking hate the winter. If you live in a part of the country that doesn’t have seasons, or if “winter” means it’s 50 degrees everyday, consider yourself lucky. For most of us, every year from November to March, winter means freezing cold temperatures, shitloads of snow, no fucking sunlight, and depression. Obviously, all this shitty weather never stops bros from going out to get fucked up. In fact, whenever there’s a huge snowstorm the first thing a bro thinks is, “We HAVE to go to the bar.” This is because bros are genetically superior human beings. Honestly, if bros can’t get #142 blackout drunk on a Monday night, then the fucking terrorists will have won. You know who doesn’t make it out to the bar in freezing temperatures? That’s right, fucking slam pieces. Since they’re by definition the fairer aka weaker sex, girls hate cold more than the motherfucking Transformers do. Rather than doing what they were put on this Earth to do, bang bros, girls “make it a movie night!” Or even worse, when they actually do make it out to the bar, they’re wearing like 20 fucking layers of clothes. This has got to be fat girls’ favorite time of the year. Everyone’s covered up, so you can’t tell who’s the heffer and who’s actually hot until you reach around during a #29 grinding session to be met with a fucking handful of belly-lard. Whenever this happens to me, I’ll scream “LIAR” in her face and if for some reason I bought her a drink, I’ll smack it to the ground. Honestly I’d rather fucking burn a $100 bill than buy a beer for a fat girl.

Anyways, the point is that while enduring this stretch of cold weather and worst of all, cold streaks that make Concentration Camps seem like Disney World, bros need to get away. They need to get the fuck out of town to a place where the beer flows like wine. To a place where beautiful women flock like the salmon of Capistrano. Of course, I’m talking about a little place called a Ski Trip.

BREAKING NEWS: Bros are #135 rich as shit. So, it really shouldn’t surprise you that within every group of bros, there’s at least one whose parents have a house in the mountains. Now I know a lot of you out there are going to argue that “bros only snowboard,” but fuck you. Skiing is bro as shit, too. I tried to snowboard once, but since I didn’t grow up wearing Jencos, wallet chains, and Airwalks to the skateboard park so I could practice my fucking “ollies” and talk about how much I like to cut myself during Slipknot songs, snowboarding didn’t come naturally to me. Whatever though, it really doesn’t matter if you ski or snowboard as long as you do it like a bro. Here’s a couple ways to make your ski trip fucking legendary:

Give People Shit From the Chair Lift: Whenever Bros are #8 rolling deep at the bar, they’re fucking invincible. You can say whatever the fuck you want to whoever the fuck you want and KNOW they won’t do anything about it because of how many people you’ve got with you. The same goes for the chair lift. I always root for skiers right below me to crash, and when they do, I’ll scream some shit like, “Stick to the bunny slopes, you fucking retard!” or “People with Cerebral Palsy shouldn’t be skiing!” If they talk back, I’ll usually just start making fun of their physical characteristics or how ugly their children are. So what if he tracks you down? Even better - it’s bro as shit to get in a #121 fist fight with some old guy in front of his children.

Drink and Ski – One of the greatest things about skiing/snowboarding is that there’re no fucking rules. Sure there’s signs posted saying to “Stay in Control” and shit, but what the fuck happens to you if you don’t? Nothing, that’s what. There’s no fucking bro-hater lifeguards out there, and there’s definitely no checkpoint at the ski lifts seeing if you’re sober. Therefore, bros get wasted as shit before they hit the mountain. “But NYB! You could be risking children’s lives out there!!” Fuck that and fuck you. Bros are experts at doing shit drunk, especially skiing. Besides, the only time bros ever endanger children’s lives is when we flush them down the toilet in our used condoms. Honestly, if people didn’t want their kids run over by drunk bros on snowboards, then they shouldn’t have brought them skiing at a fucking resort. Leave the slopes to the drunken professionals and stick to the arcade you snowplowing pieces of shit.

As winter endlessly drags on, bros realize there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Within just a few short months, hot girls everywhere will be dismounting their treadmills where they spent the entire season preparing for that #128 bikini. Over the coming weeks, as the snow starts to melt, so, too, will the panties. Until then, bros will distract themselves by dominating mountains across the country. “Stay In Control?” Yeah, fucking right, everyone knows bros only have one speed – Mach 69.

41 comments:

Anonymous said...

literally spot on. me and my bros are headed up to stratton to rage hard this spring break. Can't wait to heckle people from the lift. maybe even throw some trash to help them fall.

Anonymous said...

best 1st paragraph in awhile

Anonymous said...

the dumb and dumber allusion was clutch

doublebro7 said...

incredible post, when I was stationed in washington me and my other marine bros went to Mt.Baker fully equipped four brokos, tall boys, and wire coat hangars in case we got any snow pieces prego... that dumb and dumber reference was clutch as shit my friend

trubro said...

fantastic

Anonymous said...

Another good thing about the winter season is spotting the slam pieces waiting in line in the cold outside making the sacrifice to still dress like a little slut. Taking these sluts on the midnight express to poundtown may as well be like shooting fish in a barrel.

Bromar Garciapara said...

Excellent work yet again NYB. I'm a Boston bro and have found myself spending weekends at sunday river in maine winter after winter. Nothing says bro like " smoking weed " on the chair lift while onlooking children's parents scorn you and report you to the bro-hater ski instructors.

Anonymous said...

Bode Miller is a bro king.

Anonymous said...

i have been skiing since i was 3 and bitches fucking love it

Matthew said...

one of the kennedy's died while skiing and playing football... can't think of a better way to go out

Anonymous said...

Ski trips are bro as shit, but you forgot the part about trashing the condo/house you are renting

Anonymous said...

Real Bro's get free trips out west from their college when they go to USCSA nationals at Sun Valley Idaho.

BROger Federer said...

"Honestly, if bros can’t get #142 blackout drunk on a Monday night, then the fucking terrorists will have won." Fucking clutch NYB, the terrorists will never win. Plus, in the middle east the women look like girls in winter here all year long cause they wear those burkas. They were the original bro haters.

Anonymous said...

"to a place where the beer flows like wine. To a place where beautiful women flock like the salmon of Capistrano. Of course, I’m talking about a little place called a Ski Trip." - great Dumb and Dumber reference. classic post

Anonymous said...

Dumb and Dumber are bros!

Anonymous said...

great post minus the hating on boardsports. totally not bro. skateboarding and snowboarding will always be cooler than skiing. not that i dont know bro skiers too. but good shit, ski/snowboard trips are the tits.

Anonymous said...

Snowboarding might be a little bit more bro than skiing, but skateboarding is definitely for faggot bro-haters.

Blake said...

my dad and his friends (bro legends) go out to utah every year and get shit hammered and go skiing (bro), his doctor friends skis for about 2 hours, then is first in line for the massage from the swedish slam piece, who you better believe is gonna ask "happy ending yahh"?

BROnie Williams #51 said...

Me and my 3 bro's drove up to Hunter and Mount Snow over winter break and basically did everything in this post. The beer did indeed flow like wine. Nothing like pulling a Bode Miller (AKA BROde Miller) and skiing drunk as shit.

Anonymous said...

hahaha, being in cold weather fucking sucks... take it from someone who lived in the northeast and the south, there is nothing bro about cold weather(not even skiing)... it's all about living somewhere were the weather doesn't fall below 45. here in Arizona, we are fucking sitting poolside in January while the rest of the country freezes their balls off. give me a cold beer by the pool with slam pieces wearing next to nothing vs the ski trips in 5 degree weather with girls in 20 layers

BROde Miller said...

Fuck. YEAH. Me and my bros head up to Whistler College Weekend every year. Instead of celebrating MLK day, all of the sorostitues and bros head north of the border where the underage slampieces can get sloppy out at the bars. The best part is the bars are right at the bottom of the run. One of my bros blacked out at the bar (after doin lines of a slampieces chest) and the next thing he remembers is being on the ski lift the next morning. We averaged at least a fifth a person per night. One year, when it was time to head home at noon we were all wasted so we decided to have the most drunk guy drive. Half an hour into the drive home he pulls over and asks if he has been driving the whole time. Bros fuckin love ski trips.

Johnny Blaze said...

I'd like to take a moment to pay homage to the ski bro king: Brode Miller. The man drinks and then skiis naked.
As a snowboarding bro, I experience the perks of being in ridiculous shape, smoking great weed on the mountain, and the snowbunnies. I have also tried skiing from time to time. In addition to running people over, I cut in lines while acting entitled. Ski bros are really a class of their own.

Anonymous said...

bros don't use condoms because it dosen't feel as good.

Ignacio said...

i don't know about hating the winter, this last blizzard in the philly area we actually had a brow day off... this day consisted of getting completely wasted, building make-shift ramps with shitty shovels for our snowboards and having drunk ass snow wars.

Brophelio said...

What Bromar said.

Nothing better than bringing a pipe and toking yourself to enlightenment on the lift. So what if a Dad and his kids are sitting next to you, you're a fucking bro, they should've known this was going to happen.
People like this really need to be taken care of, I hate when my life of a bro is dampened by some 'righteous dad', who obviously isn't due to him getting some slut pregnant twice, and is now suffering the consequences.

Anonymous said...

nothing says bro like going on craigslist to find some whores for your ski house over new years eve weekend in killington... that happened, and all 6 dimes got plowed out

Anonymous said...

And this is why I decided to move to Breckenridge. Every day is a vacay!

BROde Miller said...

there is nothing like going on a ski trip and getting a handbeezy on the back of the ski bus.

Brosus said...

Just get the bear essentials this is the last of our dough...Hey! What do I look like?!

Anonymous said...

Besides, the only time bros ever endanger children’s lives is when we flush them down the toilet in our used condoms.

fucking genius

Anonymous said...

I laughed out loud for 15 seconds at "I'd rather burn a 100$ bill than buy a beer for a fat girl."

Such a bro statement. I'm with you.

Anonymous said...

So many good memories at college weekend in Whistler BC, I wish I could go back. 40 bros between 2 condos. The building had no signs at the end of the weekend thanks to us.

Anonymous said...

I'm sensing there's a lot of younger posters on here with all the pro snowboarding talk- granted that shit was cool in like eight grade but if you find yourself in college or even beyond and still find snowboarding to be bro you need to get your GDI head checked. Snowboarding is a middle market activity for middle market people, not Bros so get with the program.

Check out Aspen Extreme to get yourself educated

"I tried to snowboard once, but since I didn’t grow up wearing Jencos, wallet chains, and Airwalks to the skateboard park so I could practice my fucking “ollies” and talk about how much I like to cut myself during Slipknot songs, snowboarding didn’t come naturally to me. "

-well put NYB

BROce Pearl said...

What's the bro code for cruises? Heading out next week

coloradbro said...

colorado is the tits for ski trips. du bros are rich enough so that ALL of their friends have cabins in vail or aspen.

idaBRO said...

a couple pointers, NYB

it is a pretty spot-on post, but you bros from back east are missing out. me and my fellow idabroans live for winter. fuck the cold, we are bros! hypothermia and frostbite are for weaker beings than us (aka slam pieces and bro haters). at the first sign of snow, we dig out our prophet 100 skis and wax the shit out of them in preparation for raping some virgin pow all weekend. if you are bro enough for backcountry and avalanche-taming, come talk to me. and by the way, fuck parkrats and tall-tee faggots. go back to your fucking skate parks and fixed gear conventions and leave the skiing and boarding to bros. but you are damned right, NYB, drunken skiing is bro as shit.

bros are the shit!

Anonymous said...

Can't believe BYU suspended their second best player for the season becuase the guy got his dick wet. NYB needs to do a post about hating BYU/Mormons in honor of this bullshit. Of course, poetic justice has already been served after New Mexico destroyed BYU tonight, but still something needs to be said.

Anonymous said...

This post is so money. Well done sir

BROSKI said...

Great post, but too short! You left out so many bro parts of the Ski Trip, namely: apres ski grinding at the lodge's bar to some shitty rock band and bringing slam pieces back to the hot tub (no swimsuit, no problem)!

Anonymous said...

Dude last time someone heckled me from the chairlift, I waited for him at the bottom, rode his chair up with him and pushed him off. I heard he had two broken femurs.

Colin said...

You sound like the Columbine Kids, you get made fun of (probably because you do suck at life) and then push someone off a chairlift. I bet you got pissed off when all the real Bros made fun of your hot topic chains too.

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