WHAT THE FUCK!!
That’s all you hear as you wake up. You have no fucking idea where you are, but one thing’s for sure – you are naked. And wet. You slowly open your eyes, shuddering away from the light like one of Buffalo Bill’s girlfriends. You try to quickly piece the night together, but all you can vaguely remember is making some last ditch effort to bang some slam piece outside of the bar. Oh, that’s right! You suggested the trash pile behind the joint, but she said some bullshit about broken glass and shit, so you went back to her apartment. By the time you got there you must have been #142 Blacked the fuck out because now that you’re awake you can see there are fucking “My Little Ponies” everywhere. This bitch is a #158 Clinger. Or at least you thought so, until she showed up this morning with a shitload of cleaning supplies.
CLEAN IT UP YOU ASSHOLE!
That’s when you see what you’ve done. Apparently, you must have found her bed uncomfortable because you’re lying on the kitchen floor. Not only that, but it looks like you decided to make a little artwork on the walls, but since your slam piece was so rude and didn’t provide any art supplies, much less a fucking smock, you improvised and used your #36 piss and #48 vomit and just for that classy artistic touch, there’s some smashed wholesale relish bottles to complete the masterpiece. Now the bitch is fucking pissed and demanding you clean the art. Yeah, fucking right. You’re not doing shit. If that bitch didn’t want you to make her a fucking mural, she shouldn’t have invited you over to have sex after talking to you for 5 minutes. “Sorry, whatever your name is, but I’m just too hungover.” She immediately realizes she’s powerless. You’re a bro and hungover, therefore you have a free pass to do absolutely nothing for the rest of the fucking day.
You can always tell the fucking amateurs when they say shit like, “Oh I’m not drinking, don’t want to be hungover tomorrow!” Bros never fucking think about this shit. Bros wear their hangovers like an Indian wears a fucking scalp. Putting enough substances into your body that it doesn’t recover for like three days is about as bro as it fucking gets. And don’t fucking give me shit like, “Bros are immune to hangovers!” Yes, it is a fact that we are genetically perfect individuals, however even our bodies are not resistant to the magical power of alcohol. Here’s some of the greatest parts of hangovers:
Measure of How Drunk You Got: If there’s one thing we’ve learned, bros fucking love #1 talking about how wasted they got. But sometimes we gotta mix that shit up. Sometimes we can’t get the full understanding of just how wasted we got without talking about the aftermath. Sure you can tell people you took like 15 shots last night, but just to ram it home that you’re not making that shit up you can add on, “And I was fucking throwing up all day long.” This let’s people know that you’re not full of shit and you fucking love getting wasted.
Hangover Cures: While yes, it is fucking bro as shit to lie on the couch all day watching Comedy Central, every bro would rather get rid of the hangover. So naturally, since we’re smart as shit, we’ve come up with ways to beat it. These range from standard shit like Advil and Vitamin Water to disgusting ass stuff like some sort of crazy ass protein shake with eggs in it. But let’s be fucking honest, the best cure for a hangover is rolling over and giving your slam piece a good old fashioned railing.
Being Hungover at Inappropriate Places: Nothing stops bros from getting wasted. While bro haters might do some bullshit like “take it easy” the night before pointless events like their Mom’s funeral, bros aren’t gonna sacrifice a Friday Night. So needless to say, bros can get hungover as fuck in some pretty crazy places. Having your parents apologize to your entire extended family because you’re too hungover to even get out of the car is fucking bro as shit.
For hundreds of years, bro-haters have been spreading the fairy tale propaganda that drinking is bad for you. They try to warn us against the dangers of drinking, like liver disease, addiction, and hangovers. Well you know what I say to those bitches? I’m a fucking bro. My body is perfect, the only thing I’m addicted to is hanging out with my bros, and I fucking love hangovers. Hangovers exist to remind bros that even though we’re not completely invincible, we’re pretty fucking close.