Tuesday, May 24, 2011

#167 Eskimo Brothers

Bros are like Christopher Columbus. We’re fucking Conquistadors constantly searching for shit that no man’s ever seen before. But unfortunately, we live in a world where, much like Columbus’s greatest “discovery” of America, there’s rarely a Slam Piece out there who’s natural resources haven’t already been tapped into. Regardless of the fact that bros are often subjected to “Sloppy Seconds” or more likely, “Sloppy Forty Thirds,” we don’t take this shit as a strike against us. Unlike women, who will fucking cry for hours when “true adversity” hits them aka the death of a character on “Grey’s Anatomy,” bros rise above it. We fucking embrace that shit. Every time a Bro throws coal in the engine of the Pound Town Express, the Slam Piece isn’t the only passenger getting her ticket punched. No, instead, back in the Dining Car there’s a group of people you’ll now be linked to for the rest of your life getting fucking wasted: your Eskimo Brothers.

The first time I ever heard the term Eskimo Brothers was on “The League,” and I fucking loved it. Basically, an Eskimo Brother is a guy who’s banged the same girl that you have. While yes, every bro wants to believe that the girl he brought home after talking to for like 10 minutes at the bar is “Not really a slut,” and “Never does this kind of thing,” let’s be fucking honest here: she’s a fucking whore. It’s a scientific fact that after 12 am, Slam Pieces are physically unable to resist banging bros. Therefore, since there’s a fucking shitload of us, it’s pretty likely she does this a lot. So how is having Eskimo Brothers a good thing? Let’s take a look:

Unites Bros: Every group of bros has that one girl that everyone’s fucking run train on. After she bangs about three or four, it becomes a competition to see how many guys can get in on that shit. Pretty much anytime she hangs out, bros will go around the room and ask, “OK, who’s gonna bang her tonight?” When they’re sober, everyone will fucking deny that shit, but once they get all boozed up, the recycled ass won’t look all that bad.

The Famous Eskimo Brother: Hearing the news that one of your old Slam Pieces banged some famous athlete or musician must be what it’s like to win the fucking Nobel Prize. In the matter of seconds, your lifetime resume of laying wood has immediately been validated. Famous people can bang whomever they want, whenever they fucking want, and he banged a girl that banged you! Recently, one of my bros found out he’s an Eskimo Brother of Clinton Portis, which as a Redskins fan is pretty much as good as it fucking gets – unless of course she had banged Joe Gibbs.

Your Sloppy Seconds: I always love it when I see a girl on facebook that one of my bros used to bang back in College is in a serious relationship or even getting married. Doesn’t that guy realize she was a fucking slut in College? I mean, not just like an “It was College, I was drunk!” type slut, I’m fucking talking borderline Craig’s List hooker slut. What lies is she fucking feeding him? Do you really think he would be marrying her if he knew she got Eiffel-Towered by two Pikas? Has he seen that POV #145 BJ video you and your bro took on #165 Beach Week? Anyways, the point is, every time you see the loser that ended up “buying the cow” after she basically paid you to take her fucking milk, you can just smile and say those four magic words, “How’s My Dick Taste?”

Fucking Bro-Haters constantly claim banging strangers is a bad thing. What they don’t understand is that bros don’t give a shit. We don’t give a fuck about made up diseases invented by losers who don’t get any ass. Even if that shit did exist we have immune systems stronger than fucking adamantium. We definitely don’t give a shit that a bunch of other dudes banged that girl before us. We’re connected forever. It’s a Circle of Sluts - and it fucking moves us all.

22 comments:

Brojamin Franklin said...

Does having a 2 on 1 make me and my bro eskimo twins then?

Rock Chalk Chayhawk said...

I go to the university of kansas, and i'm eskimo bros with three guys on the KU bball team. Don't worry, all the girls were white.

Tom Izzbro said...

im eskimo bros with a Spartan basketball player, both white. part of a three week slampiece slamming binge

Anonymous said...

The adamantium reference was fucking clutch. Eskimo bros for life.

TFTU said...

Me and my bros have all banged this girl who fucked Cam Newton when they both went to JuCo together at Blinn. And yes, she's white.

Anonymous said...

found out that a fucking frat mattress at my school banged wiz khalifa when he played a concert here, thank god I got to her before he did.

Anonymous said...

My bros prefer the term "tunnel buddy". . . Well done nyb

CHADBROCHILL33 said...

I love it when you take a V-Card then in the future you can tell your eskimo bros to thank you for opening up the flood gates for them.

Anonymous said...

uconn football team had produced many eskimo bros, but I pride myself on the fact that I am currently an eskimo bro with 2 NFL player, 2 NBA players, and a NBA Lotto draft pick for this year.

Anonymous said...

im eskimo brothers with my real brother. he came to visit me in college and banged some slut i banged a couple weeks before. now all my friends want my other brother to visit so he can hook up with her too and complete the triangle

Bro Flacco said...

At a party back in college once, a bro of mine walked into a room where this other bro was banging a slampiece doggy style. So naturally my boy unzipped and tossed it in the slut's mouth, thus completing an Eiffel Tower. Awesome, but certainly not noteworthy years later...

Turns out the second bro (the one tapping the babe doggy) was IN THE ACT of losing his virginity. So, technically, since virgin bro was inside this skank at the same time of my bro, my bro took another bro's virginity! And so was born the Eskimo Father.

Anonymous said...

First of all, huge fan of The League. Taco says it best, you have to know your eskimo family tree. Secondly, one of my bros is eskimo bros with pro tennis player John Isner. So very bro.

Eskimo Bro said...

I was gone to army trannng for a semester and heard all these stories about this girl they nicknamed S cubed "Super Sluty Slampeice" most of the bros had already fucked her and all i did was friend her on Facebook and send a message liying telling her she was cute and the day i came back she jumpped on my dick

Alpha and Bromega said...

Another solid post. Nice call on referencing The League, aka the Mid-Life Bro.

Anonymous said...

Any reason quote Buster Bluth and say "Hey Brother" to your buddy is a good reason.

Anonymous said...

Me an my bro became eskimo bros at 15. Shit's so cash.

Anonymous said...

great post but weak shit that you've never heard of eskimo brothers before a year or two ago. cmon NYB!

Anonymous said...

Nice post! My bros and I have this girl we have all been passing to each other and the pussy is so good! She encourages banging her without a rubber and begs me to pump baby juice in her. Is it safe? Probably not but fuck it. We've even got to share her at the same time and she just keeps coming back for more! All u have to do is shoot her a text and she' down.

Anonymous said...

Japanese for Eskimo bro: chimpō no kyōdai. literally "dick brothers"

Anonymous said...

just found out my bro's slampiece slept with one of my old slampieces, which makes me and my bro eskimo cousins and me and his sp eskimo sisters.

Anonymous said...

Question for fellow bros: If me and my bro banged a a twin apiece, what does that make us? Eskimo half-bros? Eskimo brothers-in-law? Also, these bangings occurred simultaneously (I feel as if that is very important)

Anonymous said...

TFTU hahaha funny reference about Cam Newton. My cousan goes to Auburn and her boyfriend was great Bros with Cam Newton. My cousan even has an autographed helmet from him.

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