Bros don’t fucking hibernate. There’s no off-season when you’re a bro. Not surprisingly though, the rest of society can’t keep up. While bros are getting wasted five nights a week in the bitter cold of February, hot girls are at home watching “Sex and the City” DVDs, counting down the days until their body won’t let them have children, and comparing their naked tits to their other hot friends (probably). In addition to these activities, they’ve also circled a date on their calendar. It’s a date that represents not only a goal for their ideal body weight (under 110 lbs) so they can fit into that #128 bikini, but also the date where it’s finally time to let loose, get wasted, and bang some fucking bros. For the past nine months, hot girls have been starving themselves, waking up at 5 am to work out for 2 hours, and paying hundreds of dollars on giving their hair fucking highlights so it looks "fun" with one date in mind: Memorial Day Weekend.
Before we get too carried away here, let’s first remember what this day is all about: #163 the fallen Troops. That said, you better fucking believe bros will be #4 chanting the shit out of “U-S-A” this weekend. I really can’t remember a more fitting Memorial Day to commemorate our fallen soldiers than in the same calendar month that SEAL Team 6 took out that fucking terrorist. Speaking of that piece of shit, how about that porn stash? Who knew Bin Laden beat off more often than that skinny kid from “Road Trip?” Anyways, the point here is that while this weekend is definitely about the troops, there’s a few other reasons why bros love it.
Long Weekend – Memorial Day represents the ultimate party weekend. “BUT NYB, WHAT ABOUT 4th of JULY?!!?” Shut that fucking mouth, you little bitch. While Independence Day is amazing, that shit lands on fucking Wednesdays sometimes. Memorial Day is always on Monday, so in my book it’s the best long weekend of the year. Everyone’s got Monday off (unless you didn’t go to College), so everyone’s getting fucking plastered Friday through Sunday.
Girls – Besides Bro semen, nature’s greatest aphrodisiac is warm weather. The second the temperature rises, a puddle forms under hot slam pieces from their melted panties. Memorial Day represents their coming out party. I always love driving through the streets of Clarendon during the summer and seeing all kinds of hot bitches walking and wondering, “Where the fuck have you been the past 9 months?” Like seriously, have they just been wearing such heavy clothing when they go out so you can’t see their bodies like some #146 stripper dressed up like a #133 feminist for her routine? Either way, I’m not complaining now because those bitches are out in full force and looking for some dickin’.
BroBQs – There’s a big difference between Bro-BQs and regular BBQs. The point of regular BBQs is to get together with friends and family to eat some tasty meats or veggie burgers for anyone who might be a vegetarian. At a Bro-BQ, it’s not about how tasty the burgers are or catching up with your neighbors, it’s about getting fucking wasted outside. There’s always a Corn Hole game set up, but no girls are allowed to play. That’s because they fucking suck at throwing shit. Bros usually don’t even buy enough food for everyone. We have BroBQs all the fucking time at my house, but when inviting bitches over we tell them, “BBQ at the Bro-tel. We’ll be providing the following: Hot Coals. That is all.” The only free 8-inch franks bros give bitches don’t get served until after 2am.
This weekend, bros across the country will hit beaches, lakes, and pools to get fucked up, chant U-S-A, and most importantly bang some fucking strange. While the lights flicker in your mind and you edge closer and closer to that 6pm #142 Blackout, try not to forget that the real reason behind the holiday weekend is those brave souls fighting for our freedom. The Summer may be a 12 week marathon of drinking, but you better believe bros fucking Usain Bolt that shit every weekend. Time to get out of the blocks fast. Welcome to Summer.