It’s Friday night and you’re fucking bored. Sure you’re wasted, not to mention on the greatest #103 hot streak of your fucking life, but something’s off. Over the past 2 weeks you’ve banged like 10 smoking hot dime pieces, but you start to think to yourself, “Is this all there is to it? Sure banging 10’s is fun and all, but even that gets kind of boring.” That’s when you realize what you need to do. You tap your bros and announce, “Watch this.” You scurry to the bathroom where you duck your arm into your Polo shirt like it’s a chicken wing, only exposing the elbow. You emerge from the shitter and scream out to your table of bros, “IT’S STUMP FUCKING TIME.” You walk up to a group of girls and say you recognize them from somewhere but can’t place it. After a couple minutes of bullshitting about where they’re from, blah, blah, blah, you hit them with it: “So, uh, any of you ever been banged by an arm nub?” Boom. Under normal circumstances, these girls might throw a drink in your face or even slap you, but they can tell – you’re a fucking bro. Within minutes you’re rushing out the door, arm still flapping like a fucking chicken, en route to Pound Town. You completed your mission, but is that really a surprise? You’re a bro, and you fucking dominate Pick Up Challenges.
When you’re a bro, sometimes your regular run of the mill slam piece slayings are so fucking easy it’s not even fun. Since bros have, by definition, genetically superior intelligence, it’s not a surprise that every once in awhile we need a challenge. Sure drinking challenges are fucking cool and all, but let’s be honest, we already dominate motherfuckers in drinking every night. Not to mention sports aren’t much of a challenge either since we’ve been raising trophies since the day we learned to walk. So the next logical challenge is picking up slam pieces. BUT NYB, WHAT ABOUT CHALLENGING YOURSELF TO DO BETTER IN SCHOOL??? Shut the fuck up bitch - do you even know how to read? We’re superior intellects/really fucking good at cheating. Of course we do good in school. Now bros challenge themselves to pick up slam pieces in many ways, what say we take a look at a few?
Insult Pick Up – It’s a scientific fact that slam pieces want what they can’t have. And the stronger the rejection, you better fucking believe the greater the attraction. So if you blatantly make it apparent that you want nothing to do with some hot bitch, you KNOW she’s gonna want to find out why. Smoking hot girls are must more sensitive than fatties because their entire life they’ve been told they’re smoking hot, but they realize that thanks to Father Time, their looks won’t always hold up. Making up some shit and telling a girl she’s got so many wrinkles she looks like Tom Cruise after shooting his face with that disguising shit in “Minority Report” could do the trick. The challenge here basically is that the meaner the insult, theoretically the harder the hook up, but that’s where being a bro is most valuable.
Self Deprecating Lie – It’s always fun to figure out how fucking low girls will go to bang a bro. For example, say you’re out at the bar just fucking being a bro when some slam piece obviously hurtin’ for a squirtin’ comes up to you. Now, under normal circumstances she’s not gonna just come out with it and scream “JUMP MY BONES” - mostly because brocist society would label her a slut. Instead, she’ll probably ask some shit like, “What do you do for a living?” to which you quickly reply, “No job for me! Those shits suck! Yeah, I’m more into the business of #2 stealing from those “Easter Seals” candy boxes at restaurants.” You’re a bro, the most desirable being on the planet, so this might faze her as much as a tranquilizer dart on motherfucker King Kong (or Oprah) so you might have to break out the big guns. “Yeah, what I’m really into is those Furry movies – you know, when people dress up like stuffed animals and bang? You ever do any acting?” Being able to tell your bros you banged a girl who legitimately thought she was your “first human” is fucking bro as shit.
The Minimal Word Challenge – Before I get started explaining this particular challenge, any activity related to grinding into makeout is strictly excluded. Come on, we’re fucking bros, of course we’ve all grinded on bitches then immediately made out with them without even fucking talking to them. I’m talking about at a bar, where there’s no dancing or any of that shit going on. Our forefathers defined “Word Challenge” as using the least amount of words as humanly possible to bang a girl. Once, at the beach I was successfully able to simply nod my head, smile and laugh to get some girl to put her number and address in my phone. Now I’m not gonna sit here and lie to say I nailed her – I mean, I totally would have, but she was fat, thus making sex impossible because my penis doesn’t work with fat girls. Now, everyone knows an effective slam piece lure is, “Hey, wanna get out of here.” 95% of the time she’ll say “Yes,” and you’ll be fucking golden. BUT, that’s not just 6 words. ANY words you say to her after leaving the bar/stand in line at the ladies room to get a #145 BJ in the stall count towards your total, so choose your destination wisely. Using under 10 words to bang some girl not only proves you’re a fucking bro, but it also mean you might have what it takes to be a Bro King.
No one ever said it was easy being a bro, but some parts of our life are fucking effortless. When we’re out getting fucked up the girls flock to us like the fucking salmon of Capistrano. So instead of just taking these John Stockton-patented lay-ups, we ask not why it’s so easy. Instead, we fucking make that shit hard.
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