Thursday, July 28, 2011

#174 Pick Up Challenges

It’s Friday night and you’re fucking bored. Sure you’re wasted, not to mention on the greatest #103 hot streak of your fucking life, but something’s off. Over the past 2 weeks you’ve banged like 10 smoking hot dime pieces, but you start to think to yourself, “Is this all there is to it? Sure banging 10’s is fun and all, but even that gets kind of boring.” That’s when you realize what you need to do. You tap your bros and announce, “Watch this.” You scurry to the bathroom where you duck your arm into your Polo shirt like it’s a chicken wing, only exposing the elbow. You emerge from the shitter and scream out to your table of bros, “IT’S STUMP FUCKING TIME.” You walk up to a group of girls and say you recognize them from somewhere but can’t place it. After a couple minutes of bullshitting about where they’re from, blah, blah, blah, you hit them with it: “So, uh, any of you ever been banged by an arm nub?” Boom. Under normal circumstances, these girls might throw a drink in your face or even slap you, but they can tell – you’re a fucking bro. Within minutes you’re rushing out the door, arm still flapping like a fucking chicken, en route to Pound Town. You completed your mission, but is that really a surprise? You’re a bro, and you fucking dominate Pick Up Challenges.

When you’re a bro, sometimes your regular run of the mill slam piece slayings are so fucking easy it’s not even fun. Since bros have, by definition, genetically superior intelligence, it’s not a surprise that every once in awhile we need a challenge. Sure drinking challenges are fucking cool and all, but let’s be honest, we already dominate motherfuckers in drinking every night. Not to mention sports aren’t much of a challenge either since we’ve been raising trophies since the day we learned to walk. So the next logical challenge is picking up slam pieces. BUT NYB, WHAT ABOUT CHALLENGING YOURSELF TO DO BETTER IN SCHOOL??? Shut the fuck up bitch - do you even know how to read? We’re superior intellects/really fucking good at cheating. Of course we do good in school. Now bros challenge themselves to pick up slam pieces in many ways, what say we take a look at a few?

Insult Pick Up – It’s a scientific fact that slam pieces want what they can’t have. And the stronger the rejection, you better fucking believe the greater the attraction. So if you blatantly make it apparent that you want nothing to do with some hot bitch, you KNOW she’s gonna want to find out why. Smoking hot girls are must more sensitive than fatties because their entire life they’ve been told they’re smoking hot, but they realize that thanks to Father Time, their looks won’t always hold up. Making up some shit and telling a girl she’s got so many wrinkles she looks like Tom Cruise after shooting his face with that disguising shit in “Minority Report” could do the trick. The challenge here basically is that the meaner the insult, theoretically the harder the hook up, but that’s where being a bro is most valuable.

Self Deprecating Lie – It’s always fun to figure out how fucking low girls will go to bang a bro. For example, say you’re out at the bar just fucking being a bro when some slam piece obviously hurtin’ for a squirtin’ comes up to you. Now, under normal circumstances she’s not gonna just come out with it and scream “JUMP MY BONES” - mostly because brocist society would label her a slut. Instead, she’ll probably ask some shit like, “What do you do for a living?” to which you quickly reply, “No job for me! Those shits suck! Yeah, I’m more into the business of #2 stealing from those “Easter Seals” candy boxes at restaurants.” You’re a bro, the most desirable being on the planet, so this might faze her as much as a tranquilizer dart on motherfucker King Kong (or Oprah) so you might have to break out the big guns. “Yeah, what I’m really into is those Furry movies – you know, when people dress up like stuffed animals and bang? You ever do any acting?” Being able to tell your bros you banged a girl who legitimately thought she was your “first human” is fucking bro as shit.

The Minimal Word Challenge – Before I get started explaining this particular challenge, any activity related to grinding into makeout is strictly excluded. Come on, we’re fucking bros, of course we’ve all grinded on bitches then immediately made out with them without even fucking talking to them. I’m talking about at a bar, where there’s no dancing or any of that shit going on. Our forefathers defined “Word Challenge” as using the least amount of words as humanly possible to bang a girl. Once, at the beach I was successfully able to simply nod my head, smile and laugh to get some girl to put her number and address in my phone. Now I’m not gonna sit here and lie to say I nailed her – I mean, I totally would have, but she was fat, thus making sex impossible because my penis doesn’t work with fat girls. Now, everyone knows an effective slam piece lure is, “Hey, wanna get out of here.” 95% of the time she’ll say “Yes,” and you’ll be fucking golden. BUT, that’s not just 6 words. ANY words you say to her after leaving the bar/stand in line at the ladies room to get a #145 BJ in the stall count towards your total, so choose your destination wisely. Using under 10 words to bang some girl not only proves you’re a fucking bro, but it also mean you might have what it takes to be a Bro King.

No one ever said it was easy being a bro, but some parts of our life are fucking effortless. When we’re out getting fucked up the girls flock to us like the fucking salmon of Capistrano. So instead of just taking these John Stockton-patented lay-ups, we ask not why it’s so easy. Instead, we fucking make that shit hard.

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28 comments:

Duff said...

Legendary. One of your best posts in a while NYB. Things have been getting a little too easy for me lately so I've been trying to find new ways to challenge myself.
Another good challenge pounding in a funny or challenging location. You can also add more credit to your lay if you call out the location ahead of time. "Hey bro, see those bushes over there? Watch me fuck a girl there tonight."

Alex said...

Gonna get one of my boys to say im mute, signal some bullshit in sign language to him and get him to translate to her. See how that gem works.

Anonymous said...

The Minimal Word Challenge is awesome!

Anonymous said...

I'm personally a fan on the babe Ruth shot call from across the bar. Beauty dumb and dumber quote nib

Anonymous said...

Excellent Post NYB,

I was at a house party a few weeks ago. I was hammered as shit as usual. I asked some random dudes if I could bum some shots of their vodka. They said ONLY if I could get a girl to flash them her boobs. So of course I went up to every hot girl at the party asking if they would flash their boobs so I could have some shots. They all laughed but surprisingly it was like a pick up line because immediately they started hitting on me. I eventually just got shots from one of the girls I asked to flash me.

Bros are the shit!

Raphael said...

NYB, you sir are a terrible misrepresentation of college students. You need to spend more time studying. I am 23 years old and a proud virgin. I was in a fraternity and the most sexual exposure I had was kissing my long-term girlfriend who I intend to marry next year. We are both of Mormon faith and committed to purity before marriage. We also each had 3.75+ GPAs, thanks in part to our work ethic and the students like yourself who settle at the bottom of the curve.

From all Bros said...

Raphael,
You are the farthest thing from a bro I have ever witnessed. No words need be said besides these: please close this site and never return.

Anonymous said...

Wow Raphael, troll much?

DoMxM617 said...

Yo Raphael, do you go to BYU or something? Are you one of those college students that throws molotov cocktails down mine shafts to pass time? (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/07/19/several-byu-students-burn_n_901306.html)

You and your school alone is a misrepresentation of college students.

Duff said...

Hey Raphael, I have a 3.8 GPA. Last weekend I drank at least a handle of vodka then fucked a complete stranger on the side of an above ground pool while the rest of the party continued on the other side of the pool.
As you wonder to yourself what your mormon girlfriend was doing last Saturday night in the fear she might have been that rando, take comfort; I don't bang fat chicks.

DonBroleone said...

NYB, you sir are a terrible misrepresentation of college students. You need to spend more time studying. I am 23 years old and a proud virgin. I was in a fraternity and the most sexual exposure I had was kissing my long-term girlfriend who I intend to marry next year. We are both of Mormon faith and committed to purity before marriage. We also each had 3.75+ GPAs, thanks in part to our work ethic and the students like yourself who settle at the bottom of the curve.

PROUD virgin? Get outta here dude, we all know you're miserable as balls, and that's the closest to fucking you'll ever get. As for your girlfriend? She'll realize you're an admirably large faggot during one of your "study sessions" and fuck a guy like my bros. But my bros don't like pigs who're in disguise as clowns to begin with. Kiss my ass and suck my balls Raphael. See you at work in 10 years, god bless America.

Anonymous said...

EVERYONE CALM DOWN. Raphael is obviously trolling, he just found everything that makes someone a bro-hater and posted it up. All of my bros are engineers with GPAs above 3.75 who still manage to get fucked up every other day

Anonymous said...

bra here

if a bro ever insulted me or rejected me, id be thinking uh he must be either a queer or a cocky asshole, fuck him, so no that "insult pick up" wouldnt work....

Raphael said...

You might have a 3.8 GPA but community college doesn't really count. I graduated from Harvard and I even spent two years in Taiwan spreading the good news.

You can live in your own little world, but after college you world will quickly vanish. So what if you have slept with 1000 girls, my question is: to what end?

Anonymous said...

to what end? for bros it never ends

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFMgqYs0KIo&NR=1

Anonymous said...

Raphael, I'll ask you nicely, get the fuck off this site.

Anonymous said...

Raphael, you don't get that not everyone is a religious nut job, and can get good grades at great schools and still party.
On a different note, last night I was at a Rascal Flatts concert, me and me two bros got 3 girls to go lesbo with only the word hey.

Anonymous said...

Reckon he wants to pick one of us up by insulting us? Harvard narcissist hates America. Bros rule. Brohaters ululate, like our friend Rapael.

Paul Bro'Neill said...

(Assuming Raphael is a real person and not somebody messing with us) Hey Raphael, if our worlds will quickly vanish after college, then why are you talking about Harvard and your GPA? Also, why are you on a bro site preaching things that are not bro?

Go hang out on www.idontgetlaidbymylamegirlfriendwhocheatsonmewithbroswhileipreachthegoodwordinashittythirdworldcountry.com and comment on their bullshit. We are all going to go back to drinking and getting laid like normal guys.

Deborah said...

This is Raphael's fiance, Deborah. I cheat on Raphael all the time with bros. In fact, it has gotten to point that he is nothing more than a cuckold. I love Raphael's money, but I love a bro's dick even more.

Anonymous said...

I Wish i Could Love what Deborah said...Btw great post NYB

Living with Balls said...

This no way this Raphael guy is real...but either way it's made for some funny commentary.

Anonymous said...

Raphael, I graduated Dartmouth with a 3.8, and last year, my bros and I were rolling e in church on Easter Sunday. After that, we went to the dorms, got our camelbacks of margaritas, and preceded to fuck shit up as only bros can do. And next week, I start a job working for my bros father at Raytheon, so I doubt Ill be vanishing anytime soon

Abroham Lincoln said...

Raphael, we really could not care less about your gpa or the fact that you went to that noodle country for two years..everyone knows bros are the shit and while it took you 4 years of blueballs with your chubby gf to achieve it bros all over the world achieve much more while doing things that are truly important like banging slam pieces getting wasted and fighting brocism. Want to go ahead and spread the good news? the good news is that no bro would ever fuck your girlfriend because she would not fit through the door

Anonymous said...

NYB your posts are funny as shit, but iv never seen so many posers leave comments on a blog in my life. Half are bro-wannabees im sure

Anonymous said...

Mormon fuck. I grew up mormon, parents married in the SLC temple graduating from BYU and I went to seminary until I moved out of my house in high school.I know both sides of the arguments having lived both the bro and the mormon lifestyle. Your the one wasting your time reading your book of mormon every night and memorizing talks for the coming sunday to sit through your bullshit 3 hours of being stuck in an amazingly hypocritical church. Enjoy yourself on those sundays because us bros will be laying in bed hungover and trying to figure out how these two slam pieces ended up in our bed. Why don't you follow your own religion's policies and not judge or hate or discriminate towards anyone. Stop being a troll piece of shit and keep off this website because your the guy the bros always picked on. May I suggest a more appropriate website of ldssingles.com because its only a matter of time until your chick realizes how much of a pussy you are and tries fucks the first bro she finds, but again bros have standards and wouldn't touch a knuckle dragger like her. Enjoy sobriety and virginity as I get fucked up with my bros tonight and fuck some slam pieces.

Brocomotive said...

Raphael, ahha what a moron. You want to know what happens to virgin pledges, and those stupid patriarchal relationships? They get married and have a horrible marriage because of the sexual problems and lack of sexual relationship experience. Another huge factor is you or your girlfriend never experiencing any other sexual partner, and THAT will be a splinter in your mind that will drive you insane for the rest of your married life. You will break up and then you're back at the start again except Oh no! Your not a fuckin virgin anymore, and your little fairy tale is over-- you can only lose your virginity once. The girls go running back into daddys arms and you are single again. Good luck in the dating pool you inexperienced 30 year old who has a kid haha.

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