I fucking hated Derek Jeter. I still hate the Yankees. You see, one of the earliest Sports memories I have came in Jeter’s rookie year. Before the Nationals came to DC and I blindly switched my allegiance much like all those die-hard lifelong Ravens fans, I loved the Orioles. The O’s led game 1 of the ALCS in the bottom of the 8th when the scrawny Jeter poked a shot out to right field seemingly in the range of Tony Tarasco only to have some little piece of shit, Jeffrey Maier, basically fucking yank it out of his glove. As Jeter trotted around the bases celebrating the counterfeit home run that changed the Series, my indifference turned to venom. For the next 10-15 years I saw him as a pretty-boy-club-hopping-motherfucker who always said the right thing so he wouldn’t draw any controversy. But after recent events, I’ve changed my opinion. At some point in every Bro’s life he has to overlook personal vendettas and realize that rather than just spitting out hatred, it might be time to tip your cap and show some fucking respect. While Derek Jeter’s put up some impressive numbers on the diamond, undoubtedly earning him a spot in Cooperstown, it’s his stats off the field that have earned him the more prestigious claim: Bro King.
If you’re unfamiliar with the recent events, apparently ever since Jeter dumped that past her prime Lyla Garrity bitch over the summer, he’s been fucking slaying bitches left and right. I mean this has got to be expected, he’s the most iconic celebrity in the biggest city in the country, but it’s the way that he’s been doing it that’s really impressive. According to the source, who I pray to fucking God isn’t lying about this shit, he picks up these slam pieces at the club (I know there’s nothing Bro about going to a #45 Club, but come on, it’s not like he can just roll up to “Off The Wagon” and play some beer pong or some shit) and always makes them enter his apartment through the back door so the paparazzi can’t see that shit and also so they don’t think they’re fucking special, because they’re not. Then, the next morning, when he’s done with his morning sesh, he calls them a car and the fucking generous guy that he is, gives them a goody bag of autographed baseballs, pictures, batting gloves and all kinds of other shit. How fucking amazing is that? Honestly, the only thing better would be if he would just sign their tits “Happy Gilmore” style, but I guess then they would have proof that he actually banged them, and he doesn’t want that shit spreading since they’re nothing more than fucking Club-trash.
My personal favorite is the allegation that he took the same girl home twice without even realizing it, then gave her autographed baseballs again. Now, I might be wrong, but Derek Jeter doesn’t strike me as a guy who #142 blacks out all the time, so this basically means he’s banging so many girls that he can’t even remember what they fucking look like. This, my friends, is what being a bro is all about.
And for all you fucking #133 Feminists out there calling Jeter the words you made up in like 1981 such as “Womanizer,” “Chauvinist,” or worst of all “Man Whore” shut the fuck up. The entire city of New York has anointed him as “The Most Eligible Bachelor,” and you know what Bachelors do? That’s right, bang as many fucking slam pieces as possible. Honestly, Jeter goes above and beyond in his treatment of his Slam Pieces. Does he need to get these Club Creatures a fucking car? Does he need to give them some valuable parting gifts? Fuck no. They should be glad he doesn’t just throw a handful of nickels and a bus schedule on the ground after he’s finished with them and scream “TAKE A HIKE BITCH.”
It’s not like Jeter’s never lived by society’s fucking unnatural rules of monogamy either. But, like a true bro, he didn’t just settle down and marry some 7 so he could watch her pump out kids and get fatter by the fucking day. Derek Jeter’s got a Murderer’s Row of Slam Pieces who’ve slid their Donut around his Louisville Slugger. From Mariah Carey to Jessica Biel, he pretty much just has to point to a picture in a magazine and she’ll immediately start fucking #145 blowing him. And his celebrity Slam Pieces' aren't like A-Rod's either, whose dick, judging by all the old bitches he bangs (Cameron Diaz, Madonna), is clearly trapped in 1993. Jeter’s a consummate professional, rising even above Bro God #113 Tiger Woods with respect to the quality of his whores (I know, hard to beat a busted Perkins waitress or the star of “Shorty Iz Fuckin’ Yo Mama 2”) all the way to the apex of the Bro Kingdom.
Sometimes it’s tough to put down the gloves. We as bros are fucking programmed to stand up for what we believe in, and for years, that described my hatred for Derek Jeter. We’re better than that though. We’re bros aka the smartest people on the planet, and when we join together, we’re fucking unstoppable. So, even if you’re from Southie and fucking hate his guts, just remember this: he’s one of us. Mr. November? Try Mr. Brovember.
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