#19 Kegs

Previously referenced in #7 Stories about College Parties, Kegs are a bro staple. Three kegs is pretty much the standard for any party. Bros will however just get one keg to chill on, but this is primarily for a pregame rather than an actual party.

Bros love talking about where they get their kegs. Extra bro-cred is given to whoever knows the place that sells kegs the cheapest, no matter how far away that place might be. In college, we used to drive 45 minutes away to pick up kegs of Natty that were $5 cheaper than the kegs at Food Lion just down the street, but it was totally worth it because we got to tell everyone about the place that sold $40 kegs and how great a deal it was.

Possibly the most valued item among a bro’s possessions is his keg tap. Every bro has a story about how he acquired the tap itself. Often times it will be passed down from his big brother in his fraternity, or more likely the bro stole it. This is a point of pride for any bro because the keg tap steal is one of the most difficult and biggest dick moves out there. If you are able to steal a tap from a keg in the middle of a party, you might have what it takes to be a bro-king. Everyone knows of bros who have attempted this, but I know of only one person who has ever been successful. He’s a really good stealer though, so it should be expected. This is the same guy who used to go to the library during exam time and when people would go to the bathroom or take a break from cramming, he would take their textbooks and sell them back to the bookstore. Such a bro.

Once you have your cheap keg and tap and the party is rolling, bros assume their favorite position: right next to the keg. Bros love hanging by the keg the entire night just chilling. This gives bros the chance to never have to wait to fill up their cup and maximize on brew. This also allows bros to let everyone know that they tapped the keg and that is why it’s pulling so well and there is such little head. Bros are experts at exactly how many pumps the keg needs and how the SOLO cup should be tilted during the pour. Bros can also tell how much beer is left in the keg by simply lifting the keg up and they do this pretty much every 15 minutes, usually making a point to show how heavy it is and making the announcement to the party that “We’re still in great shape” and that “Everyone should stop being pussies and start pounding their drinks.”

#7 Stories about College Parties

College is the time where the bro in training gets his wings and becomes the bro that he will be for the next 10 years of his life. It’s a time of growth, added responsibility, and an most importantly – getting really fucked up. Every bro has wild stories from college that usually involve a shitload of alcohol and some sort of hilarious disgrace to a bra. Every bro also claims that their college had the wildest parties and therefore they had the best time. Luckily for me, I went to what is widely considered the biggest party school in America (William & Mary) so I always win those debates. But what makes a college party worthy of telling your bros, lets look at the criteria:

• Kegs: Perhaps the most important aspect of the party is how much alcohol was punished. Kegs are an absolute must for a good party. If you ever start a story and someone stops to ask you how many kegs you had, you do not want to have to tell them you just had a couple cases. Please note, any time you find yourself someplace where cases are being served, you are NOT at a party, you are at a pre-game. Anyways, the more kegs the better; if you can get into double digits with then you tell that story to everyone. Also important is the hard liquor. This adds to your story immensely. Which sounds more legit? “Dude, we had 3 kegs.” Or “Dude, we killed 3 kegs, 4 bottles of liquor, AND a Gin Bucket.” Obviously, the second, who cares if no one drank the gin bucket because you made it so shitty – it was there at the party, so it fucking counts.
  
• How drunk people got – If people were going fucking ape-shit at your party, you’re going to want to let other people know. This included dancing on tables, drinking out of teapots when cups run out, burned household items, hook-ups and most importantly pass-outs. It’s well known bro-code that when some random guy passes out in your house, you have the right to do whatever you what to him. One of my bros’ best stories involved a passed out guy in his bed. After drawing on his face got boring, we moved him to a nearby couch to spend the night, when he woke up, he was greeted by a tied-off condom which someone had spit into. Oh, and did I mention he was probably pretty sore back there because a girl had tried to sodomize him with a wine bottle the night before? Never saw that guy again.
• Cops – This can add some major street cred to your story. If you are at such a rager that the cops show up, this is a story that needs to be told. The only thing better for your story than the pigs showing up is if someone gets arrested, preferably for trying to fight the cops. Shockingly, Cops don’t really like to hear things like “Fuck you pigs” and “Do you know who my father is?” aka typical things bros have been known to say. So, more than likely, if these things are said, someone is going to the slammer. Taking one for the team in this situation is a smart move, not only does it give the party more bro-cred, but it gives you your jail story too.