You wake up. Your alarm clock reads 12:37 pm. You try to stand up but realize that’s not happening just yet. You're pretty sure it's Thursday, but there is a legitimate chance that it's Wednesday. You try to think back to last night’s events and can only remember the 45-second keg stand you had around 8 o’clock – after that, things get a little hazy. Just as you begin to think that you need to get your shit together and actually start going to class your phone starts to vibrate – it’s your bro Tommy. “Yo doggy, you have to get over here - we got three fucking #19 kegs. There are slam pieces fucking everywhere!” And just like that any thoughts of quitting are out the door – the bender must continue.
I don’t know if you’ve been able to sift through all the thinly veiled clues over the past 57 entries, so this may come as a bit of a shock to you – bros fucking love drinking. Sure bros drink every weekend, but if you are a true bro, you are never limited to just Friday and Saturday night. So, what defines a bender? If you honestly think that by drinking from Thursday to Saturday, that you just endured a bender you are not a bro. You are a broser. Chances are you spent Saturday night #48 puking your fucking brains out and crying in the fetal position on the bathroom floor promising yourself you would “never drink again.” Fuck that. A bender is defined as five consecutive days of being completely fucked up. Additionally, at least one of those days you must be fucking hammered all day long. So, now that we have the ground rules, here are a couple reasons why benders are the shit.
Enablers – I’m not too proud to admit it, but it is tough to get through a legit bender on your own. When you are in the midst of a bender you need your bros more than ever. Benders can be expensive, but by working together you can find places where you can either drink for free or steal enough brew to get you fucked up. There also comes a time in every bro’s life where he thinks about quitting on the bender. That’s where your fellow bros are there to slap you across the face with their brown flip-flops and scream, “Get a hold of yourself! Do you fucking realize what you are on the verge of becoming?!?” After reattaching to reality, you focus on the task at hand – keeping the fucking bender alive. God damn it, I love bros.
Bro Points – As I've mentioned before, the opportunity to acquire bro points doesn’t come around all that often, so when they are available, you better fucking grab that shit. There’s no better time to earn some bro points than during a bender. Sure you get a shit load of bro points just by having your standard 5 night/1 day bender, but come on, you’re a bro, and bros are better than just “standard.” Either extending the bender or drinking more hours of the day can earn additional bro points. Stacking your bender with other bro activities such as #2 stealing shit, #55 breaking shit, or #52 banging places that aren't a bed can also earn you a fuckload of bro points. While I’m sure we’re bound to hear plenty of bender stories - and believe me, I want to hear them - no one will ever top the ultimate bender from the ultimate bro – Ben Sanderson. “Who the fuck is that” you ask? Only the lead character from “Leaving Las Vegas.” I dare you to tell me a better way to go out than drinking yourself to death in fucking Vegas no less. Then he dies while banging Elisabeth Shue of Back to the Future fame who plays a hooker – and he doesn't even have to pay for that shit! How fucking awesome is that? Honestly, if any bro tries to tell you that he wouldn't want to die drunk as shit and mid-thrust on the slut from "Cocktail" he's a fucking liar and worse - he's not a fucking bro. Ben Sanderson – Bro King.