Wednesday, August 5, 2009

#58 Benders

You wake up. Your alarm clock reads 12:37 pm. You try to stand up but realize that’s not happening just yet. You're pretty sure it's Thursday, but there is a legitimate chance that it's Wednesday. You try to think back to last night’s events and can only remember the 45-second keg stand you had around 8 o’clock – after that, things get a little hazy. Just as you begin to think that you need to get your shit together and actually start going to class your phone starts to vibrate – it’s your bro Tommy. “Yo doggy, you have to get over here - we got three fucking #19 kegs. There are slam pieces fucking everywhere!” And just like that any thoughts of quitting are out the door – the bender must continue.

I don’t know if you’ve been able to sift through all the thinly veiled clues over the past 57 entries, so this may come as a bit of a shock to you – bros fucking love drinking. Sure bros drink every weekend, but if you are a true bro, you are never limited to just Friday and Saturday night. So, what defines a bender? If you honestly think that by drinking from Thursday to Saturday, that you just endured a bender you are not a bro. You are a broser. Chances are you spent Saturday night #48 puking your fucking brains out and crying in the fetal position on the bathroom floor promising yourself you would “never drink again.” Fuck that. A bender is defined as five consecutive days of being completely fucked up. Additionally, at least one of those days you must be fucking hammered all day long. So, now that we have the ground rules, here are a couple reasons why benders are the shit.

Enablers – I’m not too proud to admit it, but it is tough to get through a legit bender on your own. When you are in the midst of a bender you need your bros more than ever. Benders can be expensive, but by working together you can find places where you can either drink for free or steal enough brew to get you fucked up. There also comes a time in every bro’s life where he thinks about quitting on the bender. That’s where your fellow bros are there to slap you across the face with their brown flip-flops and scream, “Get a hold of yourself! Do you fucking realize what you are on the verge of becoming?!?” After reattaching to reality, you focus on the task at hand – keeping the fucking bender alive. God damn it, I love bros.

Bro Points – As I've mentioned before, the opportunity to acquire bro points doesn’t come around all that often, so when they are available, you better fucking grab that shit. There’s no better time to earn some bro points than during a bender. Sure you get a shit load of bro points just by having your standard 5 night/1 day bender, but come on, you’re a bro, and bros are better than just “standard.” Either extending the bender or drinking more hours of the day can earn additional bro points. Stacking your bender with other bro activities such as #2 stealing shit, #55 breaking shit, or #52 banging places that aren't a bed can also earn you a fuckload of bro points. While I’m sure we’re bound to hear plenty of bender stories - and believe me, I want to hear them - no one will ever top the ultimate bender from the ultimate bro – Ben Sanderson. “Who the fuck is that” you ask? Only the lead character from “Leaving Las Vegas.” I dare you to tell me a better way to go out than drinking yourself to death in fucking Vegas no less. Then he dies while banging Elisabeth Shue of Back to the Future fame who plays a hooker – and he doesn't even have to pay for that shit! How fucking awesome is that? Honestly, if any bro tries to tell you that he wouldn't want to die drunk as shit and mid-thrust on the slut from "Cocktail" he's a fucking liar and worse - he's not a fucking bro. Ben Sanderson – Bro King.

41 comments:

zhou said...

Ive just been introduced to this website and jesus christ this website is the shit.

Anyways, a really good point you touched on is the ability to combo bro points. Just like in fighting games where a punch is okay but punching kicking then breaking someones neck is absolutely awesome, doing awesome bro activities during a bender will get you more bro points than just the sum.

My best story is of a brode trip me and 4 bros took to florida. We drove for 24 hours straight, only stopping in Nashville to pound beers before drinking and driving. We then stayed at a condo with 5 girls, where we proceeded to drink all day while fucking up their furniture and shower curtains. We sang sweet caroline loud enough to get the cops called on us twice. We then peaced and went to another city, where we proceeded to shit on the beach and sleep in the hotel lobby while one guy stayed up and fucked a girl in the same room as us. We then got booted out at 5am. We did this while on a 5 day bender (10 days total). Bros are the shit.

Brodysseus, formerly known as Broseidon said...

First of all, I would like to apologize for using the name Broseidon earlier. I totally didn't realize that it was already on a shirt, making me unoriginal and unfunny. Since I am a bro, I could not let that stand. But I still stand behind my previous comments.

One of the greatest benders of all time is Sigma Chi Derby Days. For those of you that don't know what it is, it is a week long party involving day drinking, competition between sororities to earn points for a fake trophy (bras are so fucking retarded), screaming at pledges and buying out bars. I've heard of slam pieces complaining about how much head they have to give during Derby Days to get extra points so they can "win." At our chapter, there is also a competition among the bros to fuck the most slam pieces/do the craziest shit with them, with points awarded for what/how many you do. Most points awarded for a single act so far has been "peeing on butt." Bros are the fucking shit!

Edgar Allen Bro said...

You want to talk about a Bender, my Bro Jonathan has been on a Bender since the late 90s. I don't think he's ever been sober for more than a few hours. Though I've never had a Bender that lasted more than 5 days, I think I score Bro Points just for being associated with this guy.

Anonymous said...

jonathan is an alcoholic, not a bro

Brobie Trice said...

jonathan is a bro king, you're a homosexual anonymous. go take your rainbow pride elsewhere

Brosoma Spinladen said...

@zhou,

Dude I did the exact same trip this past year except we stayed at UNC for a night on the way, which by the way is a serious bro hater school, some gay ass frat was giving me and my bros shit for wearing jeans and snap back hats..what the fuck is that? what kind of bros dont wear beat up lids?.. Anyways as the night continued and we repeatedly got thrown out of bars, we eventually stumbled into an all black club named the "Bugaloo", the only chill spot on campus, and immediately became boys with all the bro-thas there. At the end of the night we broke into a sorority and #2 stole shit and #55 broke shit and then got pissed off when they wouldnt let us sleep there and beat the shit out them (nah but we should have). ended up sleeping in our car and being woken up by a cop the next morning like we were homeless ppl, fuck that tho cuz we are better than homeless ppl. Anyways, the bender began after that night but it's always great to have an epic night to begin the bender. By the way ZHOU, which spots in FL did the best bro moments occur?
-Big Country

Edgar Allen Bro said...

Hey Anonymous, I agree with you that Jonathan is an alcoholic. But i don't agree that he is not a Bro. Jonathan is a Bro King. His entire life has revolved around drinking,insulting bras, breaking stuff, peeing in public, and slamming slampieces.

Anonymous said...

A Bender isn't a Bender until you piss yourself 5 days in a row....

Leanbro Barbrosa said...

There's nothing better than drinking till 4 am and then waking up at 7 to tailgate. Bros are the shit.

Rocky BalBROa said...

benders are the shit. one year christmas break during college one of my bros and i were fucked up beyond repair for 23 days straight. there were several other bros who joined in (some had multiple benders with our bender) but the two of us kept it going for the entire break. now that we are both former bros because of the ultimate bro-hater (society) these days are behind us. nowadays i am lucky to get in a 4 day bender but beleive me when i do, i make it worthwhile.

keep up the good fight bros everywhere

The Alpha and the BROmega said...

The best bender stories always come from Beach Week. My fraternity would rent out an entire motel right on the beach where the owner was too old and the place too run down for him to give a shit what we did. For $120 you got 7 days and nights at the motel and unlimited (yes, unlimited) kegs. Any time, day or night there were kegs and a shit ton of Everclear.

The true bros always got there early as shit on the first day at 9:00 AM with little more than the shirts on their backs and brown sandals on their feet and immediately started bonging beers, doing keg stands, and 'nibbling' on Everclear. The more responsible people (aka bro haters) would arrive with their beach chairs and towels and shit around 4:00 PM and shake their heads at the true bros who had already had their first puke/pass-out on the beach.

The week would be spent in the endless bender cycle drinking, banging, passing out, and rallying. Even though everyone had a 'room with a bed' you never slept there if you were a bro. Your only solid food intake would come in the form of tortilla chips with no salsa you stole from some bro haters cabin at 3 in the morning when you were fucked up beyond belief. Some highlights include:

- My friend stealing a pair of sneakers from the porch of the family condo next door to us while walking home from Food Lion at 4 AM (which was obviously closed). We then convinced him to put on the shoes and light them on fire with lighter fluid so he could deliver flaming jumpkicks to various doors and chairs around the motel.

- My friend dumping a pitcher of beer (and some urine) on this annoying-ass slam piece who was trying to bang every bro there.

- Creating a 'pit of death' where disputes would be settled between bros with a fight. All other bros would crowd around the pit and chant 'two men enter, one man leaves!' Some kid got his nose broke.

- People hitting golf balls into the ocean after dark, then getting bored and turning around and hitting them towards the motel and breaking this one bra's car window.

- Bringing some ratty, old couches down onto the beach for the entire week then lighting them all on fire the last night we were there.

Shit, I could go on for days with these stories. These benders were 7 days long and took almost 2 weeks to recover from. Many a bro king was crowned for his exploits during Beach Week.

Josh Brolin said...

Ben Sanderson? I think you mean San Benderson.

Anonymous said...

josh brolin... are you retarded

Anonymous said...

how the fuck has no one mentioned bro-caine being a necessity for a solid bender? less sleep = more time to slam bras and brews

Bro in Chicago said...

While I agree that benders are the fucking shit, 5 days being the standard seems a little short. I think it should be 10 days at least. My longest is 27 days and this bra I've been slamming has gone on a 43 day bender. Bros are the shit.

Ron Mexibro said...

A true bender should start and end in a different city, or if possible, state. A true bro starts and ends his benders in entirely different nations.

I'll throw out a self-call: July 2nd, I started a bender in Washington, DC. Didn't really stop drinking until July 12th, in London. In between made stops in Spain and Italy.

Benders and road trips go together like jizz and freshman girls' faces...

Anonymous said...

Hey Bros, Benders are the shit, especially if you have the cash to cover the week+ of drinking. I found this sweet site that can make any bro extra bender money by basically doing no work at all(work is for suckers any bro knows that).
Check out the Link:
http://www.bvmarketing.com/affiliate/join-the-affiliate-team/?ref=rugbyhead

the Brofessor said...

a little formula I use for my benders ("quarter rule"): every hour you sleep x 4 = number of brews you have to drink the next day.

I can usually keep that going for a week. Some bros may need to adjust up if they're bro-kings.

bros are the shit. its science.

Broboken said...

i played a 5th season of football in college while "taking" 2 100 level classes. football ended a week before thanksgiving and i went on a bender from that afternoon until christmas break. 1pm start time daily, no definitive end. many of my bros were with me for days at a time but they couldnt fully commit as they were still "students". there was one 24 hour period where no alcohol was consumed, only because me and my bros had a smoke-a-thon and there would have been bro-casualties had jameson been present. thats all i got...bro in peace

Quid bro quo said...

one of my bros got a DUI trying to drive to waffle house to get some brinner (breakfast for dinner) during a sick bender. He stayed in the drunk tank and walked back to campus, where he promptly rejoined said bender.

Kevin said...

Bros dont give a fuck about work during a bender. If you do have to show up to fuckin work Bros have to head to the bar every hour to keep the buzz going and than do a shot for every hour the bro was at work

B said...

Elizabeth Shue isn't in back to the future

Indiana Brones said...

I know the day I started my bender, haven't not bended since November 7th 2007. The day I got out of the military and while it was a great experience, it wasn't very accomodating for a bro. Sad but true, military is full of bro haters with a ton of graphic tees and an unhealthy interest in MMA...

I digress, I'm half in the bag as I write this at an airport bar with plans to "have a few drinks with friends when I land". Now, benders and alcoholics are different... Alcoholics go to meetings and benders are fucking bromazing.

ppka

Broheesy said...

Heard about this site a couple weeks ago from my token black bro, fucking epic.
NYB solid fucking post bro, benders are the shit. Ultimate bender... Spring Break. I mean it's the only time where bro-haters and fucking posers get a glimpse of what it's like to be a bro and slampieces flock to the beaches of Mexico waiting and wanting to get fucked. Hit Cancun when I was 19 and started the bender the night before, what better time to have a party right? As always, got fucking sauced and started the easy task of mashing some slampieces guts. Got that one off my list of things to do, and then tried to pack. Needless to say when I got to Cancun I didn't have much to wear, but fuck it, bras flock to bros like flies on shit no matter what they wear. Drank on the flight down there til I damn near passed out and gave my bro shit for pissing himself cause he tried to drink everyone under the table, fucking idiot, but awesome none the less. Got to the resort with all our shit and one pissed stained bro and did the only thing any true bro would: Walked straight to the lobby bar, flashed the wristband that said "that's right pablo you mexican fuck, you are now my alcohol slave" and started ordering tequila shots while waiting for the bell boy to move our shit to our room. From there it was like any real spring break, fucking waste face for 6 days 7 nights straight, barely eating, and laughing everytime someone puked their fucking brains out in an "innapropriate" place. Hit randoms sluts from across the nation and tried like hell to pull a threesome with some sisters (would have if they weren't bro hating canadiens) and ended up getting kicked out of 2 hotels we weren't even staying at. I'm sure the real bros out there can all relate to stories like this, so the next time you are going strong on a bender, just keep going. And if any fuckins skeez bag bro-hater in society tries to tell you you're an alcoholic, pound one for them and laugh at the fact that they never got laid in college cause they don't know what it's like to be a fucking bro.

Apollo Brohno said...

i got mad fucking bro cred one time for being completely wasted 2 days of the bender and then didnt go to the doctor wehn I got alcohol poisoning in my shawn bradley jersey

Anonymous said...

broheim,
This is my personal favorite post because benders are the shit.
I am currently on a 32 day bender and trying to keep the streak alive. Wish me luck bros

Bro's and Ho's said...

my 5 day bender began last wednesday after my boys arrived in this wonderful city i call home, chicago. this glorious week consisted of multiple cases of coors light, hornitos, jameson, patron, and a shit load of different 'bomb' drinks at the bars (jager bombs, car, whiskey, and whatever the fuck else they offer).
lost a couple hundo at texas, absolutely dominated and ran the basketball courts at my gym for like 4 hours, made fun of this girl because her boyfriend is a loser and almost got into a fight by this girls' friends, who the next day i had naked in her moms hottub. went to work hungover as shit last thursday and friday and what will be tomorrow as well, shut down every fucking bar along the north shore and got kicked out one of them because my bro was talking shit to the owners son. i made out with my ex's best friend, and i also vomited in my car, while driving.
last night we hit up a strip club and persuaded two of the strippers to come back to my spot after they got off (with no other incentive for them except being with us), and though we didnt slam any of them, we witnessed the greatest girloon girl action i personally have ever seen.

to top it off, we played pong during what i would consider the greatest fucking hockey game, and although canada won, our 'u.s.a'. and 'fuck canada' chants were loud enough to get my neighbor to say something to us.
even i have my limit though, cause i passed out during the day chay after the lakers game and was victim for the first time ever to sharpied dicks on my face and neck.

im just now gathering myself from all this and am not looking forward to waking up tomorrow morning, although the thought of what the next week will bring always makes me feel better.

bro's and ho's all day
and a special shout out to all my haters, i love em all

The bronomaly said...

Bro's benders on spring break make legends as well as homecoming and greek week benders. All this bender talk is going to turn into a Bro Patrick's Day Bender ending on Sunday or possibly later.

IrishBro said...

Greetings,

Since I can never pass up an opportunity to score some bro points for one of my Bros here at KSig @ UTulsa I feel I must tell this story.

Coming up to the end of last spring semester my friend (nameless) went on a solid 60 day bender, but to top it off he only stopped his brorage mode of life due to getting mono from some hot slammpeice he slammed. Ending your bender only because the brohater doctors told him he would die if he didn't = victory.

God Bless Bros

Broregon Duck said...

Last weekend I got the ultimate bro-hater, alcohol poisoning. of course because I'm a bro I didn't go to the hospital or anything, I just passed out on my bro's lawn for a few hours. The next day I was hurting so bad that I could barely eat let alone drink anymore, so I took the night off.

That's the first sober 24 hours I've had in 5 years...

speaking of which, all the bros out there hold up your frat sodas, it's bro time.

Anonymous said...

B, you're a fucking retard. Elisabeth Shue is Marty's girlfriend in Back to the Future II and III.

Booker said...

so im 30 comments down but i dont give a shit.

This past spring I woke up one Thursday and decided, like usual, not to go to class. I instead decided to pop open my next handle of Evan Williams, picked up a quarter, and started a bender with no fucking intent of ending it anytime soon. Thursday afteroon went by awesomely, of course, because it was the first day of decent warm weather and I was playing the fuck out of some liquor pong on the roof of our fraternity with some other bros and a few whores that wanted to get fucked. Needless to say, that's all I remember. I woke up Friday at noon underneath the pong table with no pants on and a big orange street sign under my feet. Friday went very similarly- I ran out of bourbon and ended the handle's existence, hucking it right off our 3rd floor into the sidewalk behind the house. Saturday I bought 3 30 packs of bud diesel for then and Sunday (no sale on Sunday in GA), and had a case rase with 11 other bros.. second place. I woulda had first, but similarly to NYB, my big brother/one of our DOFFs was on the winning team and he can fucking murder beer. Saturday night is gone to me, but I heard that I made out with some slut in our living room, with me picking her up and pushing her up against a wall or something. Sunday, most of the other bros were starting to crash after only friday/saturday, but me and my bro Kinney were getting turbo again because we don't give one shit about two shits and who's to say otherwise? We decided to save our last cube for monday, and made a 5 gallon batch of our blue hunch punch, strolled that bitch to the lax field and watched our bros Sam, E Jones and Case rub dick on some scrubs. After the ass kicking, one of their players tried to fight me and Kinney, but it never went down because, well, they're scrubs. I woke up Monday in my bed, finally, to find the punch I had drank the previous day was in my bed with me. Anyway, this was gonna be my last day of the bender, so I had to get retard fucked up. And I did. Seriously, the only thing I know about that Monday is that I went to turn in a paper I had already finished at 1pm that day. I was drunk when I did it, and my professor asked me about it the next week- to which I responded "I don't know what you're talking about." Because I didn't.

Joe-Bro said...

My best bender ran from April 30th to May 11th. Went through hundreds of dollars of alcohol,hooked up with a girl and her mom in the same night, got hit by a bra for peeing onto her old lady-friend's back porch from a balcony, met about 50 hot women and various parties. Probably the most monumental rages of my entire life.Benders are one of the finest outcomes of bro life. ~UNCW Bro~

Anonymous said...

Spring break '10 was aboat from Fort Liquordale to Lucaya. First beers were at 3am and it never stopped. Broads love bros who can handle benders; it's an instant panty dropper to see someone pound shots and chug beers for days at a time. So what if your liver shrivels up,A) you're upper echelon in society or B) your body has mutated into the perfect drinking machine

Anonymous said...

Bros, Indiana University little 500 = ultimate bender.

From thursday to sunday of the next week you are shitfaced constantly.

You don't know a bender until you've been little 5'd.

Brony Montana said...

Before you start a real bender get some vyvanse and brocaine. I once started a bender on a Wednesday night and with the help of my two friends above and a shit ton ton of alcohol I blacked out for 3 days straight and no sleep. I woke up Saturday still thinking it was Thursday. My bro woke me up and asked if I was ready to tailgate after not sleeping for 3 nights. I was like "you fucking dumbass there's no games on Thursday". It was like I had a fucking concussion 3 days of absolute no memory.

Anonymous said...

Me and my bros went 9 days of drinking nothing but whiskey during our march break in last year of high school. Now I've broken this record since then but our one bro who dropped out at the end of September just kept going. He would meet us at the bus stop hammered yelling at bras, flipping people off for the next three months. Proud I have a bro like him.

Hakeem Brolajuwon said...

me and my bros pulled a bender that lasted 27 days, and came at the end of an all-bro vacation leading into the first week or so of what people call "classes." this included being wasted before breakfast on at least half the days. although ive never come close to repeating this feat, it is a wonderful non-memory i have shared with fellow bros often.

brostralia said...

i went to america on exchange for a semester, and soon enough met some like minded american bros and needless to say shit got wild. got some stories that will put anyone's to shame

we got fucked up 5 nights a week every week, and to finish off with got fucked up for the last 40 days consecutively, including multiple day sessions, even through exams, because we have our priorities right. hell the best way to get through an exam is to smash a 4loko beforehand. one time i was so fucked up i kept slippin over cos the slam pieces started squirting all over the damn floor

Anonymous said...

Last night was the last night of my ten day/night bender, where I wasn't sober longer than 8 hours. I blacked out six times during the bender, and to top it off I woke up this morning freezing and wet aka I pissed myself. It was glorious.

Kaiser BROzeck said...

My first bender was in Vegas for a Marine Corps Ball that I went to. Vegas casions are the shit. Especially when you get enough free drinks playing the slots to completely black out five days of your memory and then continue drinking because you still have three days until you even have to hit the road home to SoCal.

My second was in Seould, Korea. Where I lost another four days, screwed 2 hooker slam-pieces, and threw up for another two days after the event was over beacause of what I'm sure is one of the nastiest hangovers in Bro history. I never could have done any of it were it not for my Military Bro's chanting that shit on and helping out.

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