It's Labor Day. I would tell you that you are at the bar, but come on, it's a fucking three day weekend, where else would you be? You and your bros are all drunk as shit - you've been playing cornhole for like 5 hours and absolutely punishing the two #19 kegs of Natty you picked up. There's fucking slam pieces everywhere, but for some reason, tonight there is something else on your mind. You honestly have no fucking clue what Labor Day is commemorating, but you are sure of one thing - it's got something to do with the greatest country in the world. You grab two of your bros, give them each a #13 fist pound and scream, "Let's do this shit." Fists clenched, bobbing up and down you start it "U!!! S!!! A!!!," slowly at first then more rapid, maybe involving some clapping of your hands if you think it will help the cause. Soon, the bros around you who were admiring your work hitting on the slam pieces earlier join in. The rest of the room quickly follows suit and before you know it the entire bar is #4 chanting with you. Just like that you have completed the greatest service anyone can ever give to their country: the USA cheer. Mission Accomplished.
Bros fucking love America. Bros especially love America on days like Memorial Day, 4th of July, and Labor day. This is because it gives bros the opportunity to honor their fore fathers and all those who died for their freedom by getting drunk as shit and probably #33 lighting shit on fire. Bros know that America is the greatest country in the world. They also make sure everyone else knows it, especially people who are not from America.
As much as bros love America – they equally hate any country that is not their own. Bros run by one motto – if you are not with us, you are against us. Bros realize that they themselves were at one-point immigrants in this country, but that was a long fucking time ago, so who really gives a fuck? Bros love making fun of foreigners and the fact they can’t even speak English. This lets everyone know that you are not only a bro, but you are an American bro and damn proud of it.
If you asked your typical American citizen, "Name the time you were most proud to be an American?" Depending on how old they are they are most likely to go with one of the country’s most famous events such as the moon landing, Obama's election, or some random episode of 24 where Jack Bauer kicked some fucking terrorist ass. Bros will undoubtedly point to another groundbreaking moment. While supporters chanted "Yes We Did," when Obama took office, it's a little known fact that, much like everything else, they stole that shit from bros. That's right, it was about one year ago tonight when bros everywhere let out a sigh of relief as barriers were finally knocked down and that glass ceiling which had plagued us for years was finally shattered by one of the greatest bros of all time: Michael Phelps. As Phelps swam to his record breaking 8th Gold Medal, bros across the country fought back tears as all they could do was high five the shit out of one another. This one was for every bro out there who has stood up for their fellow bro trying to #23 drive home when everyone else said he was way too drunk. This one was for every bro who posed for a camera with their bong, only to have their parents see the pictures. This one was for bros. After years of the persecution and abuse one might expect a male in America aged 18 - 35 to receive, we finally caught a break. Chalk one up for the good guys. Michael Phelps - true American Hero and much more importantly – Bro King. Yes we did.