Tuesday, August 18, 2009

#63 Loving America

It's Labor Day. I would tell you that you are at the bar, but come on, it's a fucking three day weekend, where else would you be? You and your bros are all drunk as shit - you've been playing cornhole for like 5 hours and absolutely punishing the two #19 kegs of Natty you picked up. There's fucking slam pieces everywhere, but for some reason, tonight there is something else on your mind. You honestly have no fucking clue what Labor Day is commemorating, but you are sure of one thing - it's got something to do with the greatest country in the world. You grab two of your bros, give them each a #13 fist pound and scream, "Let's do this shit." Fists clenched, bobbing up and down you start it "U!!! S!!! A!!!," slowly at first then more rapid, maybe involving some clapping of your hands if you think it will help the cause. Soon, the bros around you who were admiring your work hitting on the slam pieces earlier join in. The rest of the room quickly follows suit and before you know it the entire bar is #4 chanting with you. Just like that you have completed the greatest service anyone can ever give to their country: the USA cheer. Mission Accomplished.

Bros fucking love America. Bros especially love America on days like Memorial Day, 4th of July, and Labor day. This is because it gives bros the opportunity to honor their fore fathers and all those who died for their freedom by getting drunk as shit and probably #33 lighting shit on fire. Bros know that America is the greatest country in the world. They also make sure everyone else knows it, especially people who are not from America.

As much as bros love America – they equally hate any country that is not their own. Bros run by one motto – if you are not with us, you are against us. Bros realize that they themselves were at one-point immigrants in this country, but that was a long fucking time ago, so who really gives a fuck? Bros love making fun of foreigners and the fact they can’t even speak English. This lets everyone know that you are not only a bro, but you are an American bro and damn proud of it.

If you asked your typical American citizen, "Name the time you were most proud to be an American?" Depending on how old they are they are most likely to go with one of the country’s most famous events such as the moon landing, Obama's election, or some random episode of 24 where Jack Bauer kicked some fucking terrorist ass. Bros will undoubtedly point to another groundbreaking moment. While supporters chanted "Yes We Did," when Obama took office, it's a little known fact that, much like everything else, they stole that shit from bros. That's right, it was about one year ago tonight when bros everywhere let out a sigh of relief as barriers were finally knocked down and that glass ceiling which had plagued us for years was finally shattered by one of the greatest bros of all time: Michael Phelps. As Phelps swam to his record breaking 8th Gold Medal, bros across the country fought back tears as all they could do was high five the shit out of one another. This one was for every bro out there who has stood up for their fellow bro trying to #23 drive home when everyone else said he was way too drunk. This one was for every bro who posed for a camera with their bong, only to have their parents see the pictures. This one was for bros. After years of the persecution and abuse one might expect a male in America aged 18 - 35 to receive, we finally caught a break. Chalk one up for the good guys. Michael Phelps - true American Hero and much more importantly – Bro King. Yes we did.

56 comments:

BROlanda Vega said...

America! Fuck Yeah

Edgar Allen Bro said...

Bros love yelling "if you don't like it, then leave!" to foreigners and insulting their customs and traditions. Bros also realize that anyone who can't speak English correctly or has an accent is stupid and should go back to their straw hut held together by mud in what ever god awful corner of the earth they are from.

Anonymous said...

Welcome to America - Work, pay taxes, speak english.

Brosef the Great said...

"press one for english"? fuck no, press 1 for get back to your cave/hole in the ground you fucking terrorist bastards! Americans drink, kick ass and take names. We shoot first and ask questions later...no, fuck that we just shoot first, no need for questions, American upper class = Bro's
USA USA USA USA USA!

Anonymous said...

i think bros around america should boycott the use of the term the english language and only refer to the greatest language in the world as American...So speak god damn american mother fuckers!

Bron Paul said...

NOt only does Phelps like the reefer, but he gets mad pussy from hot slampiece bitch ass celebs like Lindsay Lohan (who also likes fucking fellow slampiece).

Dan said...

we used to chant "USA USA" when my frat played intramural soccer against the international house. to top it off, their best player pledged us (had played on the junior national team of an eastern european nation). after soccer season though, we had him deported because hey, this is america.

Tyler HansBro said...

Fucking bros are the shit. I love shitting on dumb fucking foreigners. I was just at a casino a couple weeks ago and a couple of gooks sat at a table next to me and my bros. I turned to a bro and practically shouted how its a shame that we got rid of internment camps. Being a bro kicks ass.

Speaking of Phelps- my word verification for this post is gange.

Anonymous said...

Thank you NYB, this post gave me a Broner.

BROck Landers said...

Labor day is a great fucking weekend for a bro-fest fantasy football draft. We head to Hilton Head stay at our friend's dad's model-home mansion, bang slam pieces, play football on the beach, have a golf tourney, crush beers (the loser of the league the previous year buys the first keg), play the shit out of beer pong and foosball, and of course chant the fuck out of USA while rolling deep in the bars, running pool tables, hitting on slam pieces, and taking huge rounds of shots.

Mr. Brojangles said...

my slam pig gave me a dome shot during the fourth of july fireworks this year..bros rule...america rules

Anonymous said...

are bros allowed to be mos?

shaquille Bro'neil said...

Be american, drink Domestic beer and smoke marlboros.

You know america is the greatest land in the world because anywhere in the world you go will take US money. We laugh at all the poor people and foreigners that come to the US and try to pay for shit with pesos or chinaman money.

RamBro said...

Foreign fucks piss me off so much I want to kick their babies the fuck back over the border. Whenever I have to talk to one of the gibberish speaking asshats in a customer service area I immediately tell them to shut the fuck up and get somebody who speaks AMERICAN on the god damn line. Much more satisfying when you get to do it real store.

Nothing says Bro more than ripping on Bro haters for being different in the middle of a crowded place.

Bro Tip: However, face stuffing slam pieces is more satisfying when have an accent to block.

Bro-bo Cop said...

Budweiser and Copenhagen is breakfast, lunch and dinner on Labor Day

Osama Bro Laden said...

I do not inderstand why the hate for foreign peoples...

Mahmoud Ahmadinebro said...

Neither do I...what is this USA I hear of? Why is it whenever you see my picture in the news, it looks like I am about to sneeze?

Rick BROtino said...

Key to a VERY AMERICAN day...

1. Put on your American flag boxers as soon as you wake up. (You gotta put some boxers on because all bros sleep naked from beating slam pieces guts all night)

2. Put your mouth piece of Copenhagen in.

3. Shotgun a coors light, because budwiser sold out and isnt even really american anymore.

4. Blast some 80's rock, cause thats all that bros ever listen to anyways. ( I prefer Bruce Springsteen-Born In The U.S.A. for this paticular day, if not, then ur not american)

5. Drive ur American muscle as fast as you can while being piss drunk and fist pumping out the window, all while wasting as much gas as possible. ( Naked slam pieces with american boobie tassles in the back seat are already a given for real bros)

thats all...

Anonymous said...

Rick BROtino is a great american, my fellow bros and I started a gang called colonials where we were going to go put axes in terrorists (mexicans) cars, but the only thing we ended up axing was my parents old tv. nonetheless bros support america and only america.

I think a necessity is hanging an American Flag in your weight room and saying the pledge of allegiance pre and post lift.

The Ayatollah Bromeni said...

Real Bros wear diapers on their head while repressing slam piece

Anonymous said...

coors light is fucking jbro

Anonymous said...

Oh no, bro. Oh-fucking-no.

Michael Phelps has lost nearly all bro cred after apologizing relentlessly and practically crying on national television for his alleged drug use. Last time I checked, bros do not ever show remorse for typical brohavior. Granted, he stood to lose fans and some cash, but only bro-hater fans and cash from bro-hating corporations (kelloggs was the oly one I believe.)

Bottom line, he did not even lose a considerable amount of money, and certainly lost no support, from the incident. The only thing he lost was bro cred.

But who can put a price on respect and freedom??? Can't put a price on mine.

Brodysseus said...

Best Bro Movie ever = Team America World Police

Not only does this movie show how America totally kicks ass, it also shuts down bro-haters like Michael Moore, theater people, and of course anyone who hates America. This movie should be watched at every Memorial Day, Labor Day, and July 4, preferably while with a case of coors light for each bro to down.

AMERICA FUCK YEAH!!!

Terrell BROwens said...

Saturday was a fellow Bro's birthday, so naturally #4 Events Created Solely For Drinking Purposes came into play and we did some Bar Golf. Obviously a stop on the course was #54 Hooters. We got there and the Roy Jones Jr. vs. Jeff Lacy fight was on. In pure bro form when the National Anthem came on we stood up and sang along. From there we began #4 Chanting USA USA, everyone in the bar joined in because well there is nothing better than America. If you don't love America get the fuck out because you really aren't a Bro!!

- IH

ASU!

Anonymous said...

Phelps is a fuckbag and is in no way a bro king. Bigger bro kings in sports: Matthew Stafford, John Parker Wilson, Brandt Sneadker, Nick Markakis.

Brolander the Great said...

A=Bros hate fags

B=Obama is a Fag

C=Bros hate Obama

Bros dont like socialism. They dont like people giving shit to poor people.NYB I dont care if your from a Yankee state, you cant be a bro if you like obama. said a shit ton of times how he doesnt like America. If bros like america they hate Obama

TRUE

Bronan the Brobarian said...

I would like to opine on rick brotino, a true bro-king. he sat at a bar, hit on a waitress, and then proceeded to raw dog her in the bathroom and blow the unprotected load inside her. basically jerked off with her pussy. bros don't give a fuck because being a bro is the shit.

Paul Bro'neill said...

If you are not from America you are not a bro. It's fucking impossible. I would go so far to say that being American is criteria #1 for attaining bro status.

Nabrolean said...

John Daly is the biggest bro in sports. Phelps is a broser.

Bro-ntosaurus said...

Phelps story- My bros were at the campus bar when they encountered Michael Phelps slammin brews, mackin hoes, and- true- packin a fat dip. My two bros went down the street for cheaper pitchers when the deals ran out, and who should show up at THAT bar 10 minutes later? They bought 3 shots of jack to take one with him, he's quoted as saying "as long as it's not cuervo." True, that bitch apology lost him all sorts of cred, but I've got hard evidence- This man walks the bro walk

Bro in Chicago said...

Fucking foreigners piss me the fuck off. Even the white fucking Eurotrash piss me the fuck off. Let's not forget our boy Joey Chestnut as another true American hero. Another great part of being American is being wasteful. Nothing better than making a huge meal with some steak and then throwing away what you didn't eat, relishing the fact the fucking poor foreigners don't get to live in excess like we do. America- Fuck Yeah! Bros are the shit.

Abroham Lincoln said...

Drink American Brew, Smoke Cali Weed, Wear USA Threads, drive Ameriacn Muscle and slam every hot chick in the world

Anonymous said...

Cheers to that, John Daly is the ultimate bro athlete!

Brocho Cinco said...

I wonder how much ass James Buchanan pulled when he was in the white house. Bro god right there.

Anonymous said...

most fucking american thing ever: the speech in independence day. that movie makes me love america so fucking much, almost as much as i love being a bro / hate gdi's.

Bro. J. Simpson said...

The fact that he got caught smoking week makes him an even bigger bro-king

Bron Jeremy said...

fuckkk yeahhh

Anonymous said...

Bro.J. Simpson here saying, "If you don't like America then you're a fucking terrorist, and if you are literally not a terrorist... then your a fucking pussy"

Charles Bro I said...

well put bro.

Randy Broture said...

From texts from last night:

(410): Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

This guy must have been a bro king.

Anonymous said...

obama hates america

avacaBRO said...

Red, White, Blue and Bro. Deport the illegals!

UMN Bro said...

After Phelps won the 8th gold medal my bros and I were in the street doing the USA chant so loud the whole neighborhood heard it. My voice was so sore I couldn't speak the next day.

Anonymous said...

phelps is a douchebag any bro from towson konws it

Anonymous said...

Bros fucking hate obama! But you wouldn't know that because you're a fake ass bro from up north. All bros are from south of the Mason-Dixon Line!

Anonymous said...

A: if u really r a bro and smart as shit, define jingoism. and

B:
Q: Why is American beer like having sex in a canoe?
A: They're both fucking near water.

Anonymous said...

here's a tricky situation for a bro: do you drive an american car like a jeep or a fuckin camaro, or do you go with the classic bro car - the beamer?

personally i prefer the jeep because its the closest thing to a tank that bros can drive

Anonymous said...

John Daly is a bro and same with Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Watch this

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9e8nPkT3rg&feature=player_embedded#!

and if you don't start chanting USA while watching, you are a terrorist piece of shit.

Anonymous said...

I know this is late, but I just discovered this bro gospel about a week ago and have been doing some catch-up in the archives.

Although posting as anonymous is anti-bro, I have to put in my two cents... more than likely attributed to my lingering drunkenness from last night and unwillingness to crunch numbers at work while being drunk as fuck.

-One of our most 'proud-to-be-American' moments was Obama's election? Yeah fucking right. Politics aside, the only thing bro about him is that he shares our love for tobacco... which still doesn't make up for the fact he stands for everything else that's anti-bro.

-Bros were never at one point immigrants to this country. America is the birthplace for everything bro. Bro's are 100% American. Also, bro's don't speak this English language you talk about. We speak American.

NYB, you're the man. Sorry my first response isn't love and appraisal but those two things are literally the only things I haven't agreed with.

GI BRO said...

1. America is the fucking shit! Guns, trucks and sluts!

2. Fuck Obama. All that clown has done since taking office is screw with what makes America great! Rich people making money on the hard work of people inferior to us. But Obama wants to take our drinking funds and give 'em to the welfare bitches in the city who can't stop popping out kids.

3. The biggest bros I have ever met I served with in Iraw and Afghanistan. Bros serve their country!

Anonymous said...

Swimming is a total bro sport. You get to show off all of your muscles to convince slam pieces why they should be banging you and not the fat loser bro-hater in the lane next to you.

Anonymous said...

NYB I disagree, obama is not bro he's a liberal shit that wants to give our money to poor people. This isn't bro, come on man.

However Bros are the shit.

Browen Wilson said...

You can't become the leader of the most powerful/clearly the best nation on the planet without being a Bro. How in God's name do you think even getting elected to the Senate or House starts!?

He admits (with no remorse) that he smoked weed, he smokes cigarettes, and invites important people to the White House to have beers. (The media loves the last one.)

All of you saying Bros hate Obama are going to end up marrying ugly women who join MADD.

BROBAMA!!!!! BROBAMA!!!!! BROKING!!!

Anonymous said...

Browen Wilson You sir are a true bro!!

Anonymous said...

If killing bin Laden isn't this week's post, I don't know what is

Anonymous said...

I vote we change the amendments and re-elect bush! he was a true bro and you don't believe that go get yourself educated and caught up to the rest of us bros

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