Your alarm goes off. It’s 7 am. You haven’t been awake this early since fucking high school. It’s a week deep into the Fall semester and you have been perfect in skipping all your classes. Shit doesn’t matter though, you already have all the #65 tests from last year. You’re hungover as shit and there’s fucking #48 puke in your bed. You’re pretty sure the slam piece next to you is a freshman, so she’s probably dumb as shit. Therefore you can convince her it’s her puke and make that bitch clean it up. You get out of bed, nearly fall over because you’re still wasted from last night and try to remember why the fuck you are awake 3 hours after you passed out. You hear some noise outside so you look out the window to see what the fucking deal is. As you look through your blinds aka bedsheet covering the window, your eyes light up just like the day you saw your first pair of boobs. It’s fucking gameday.
There’s no denying that bros love football, but to be honest with you, a football game is nothing without a tailgate. Bros take pride in their tailgating abilities. Tailgating is the perfect storm for bros. Combining drinking, grilling and football causes bros to nearly lose their shit in excitement. No matter how good their tailgate might actually be, bros will always claim that they have “the best tailgate,” which is due largely to the fact that they are “the best tailgaters.” This can be due to the fact that they have shit like a 6 foot sub, an ice luge, 30 cases, a fucking roasted pig, #6 beer pong tables, hundreds of jello shots, a car with sick speakers, multiple corn hole or testicle toss sets, or the hottest #59 sorority tailgating with them. That shit is good and all, but seriously, the only important part to tailgating is making sure you get fucked up.
Some of the best tailgating experiences I’ve had are when me and my bros just get a couple 30 packs and set up shop in the parking lot, with no spread or even car to stand around. “But NYB, don’t you need ice to keep your beer cold?” Fuck you bitch - you know bros chug all that shit before it gets warm. Anyways, by just standing in the lot, not only do we not have to get up at like 5 am to get a good spot, but we don’t have to spend a shitload of money either. Instead, all we do is just #2 steal as much shit as we possibly can from all the people that came prepared. This works especially well on old alumni. Often, they are just happy to have some young people to talk to. While you distract them by asking about their grandkids, have all your bros steal as much as they can from their tailgate. Sure nobody is going to eat the vegetable platter, but who gives a fuck – its funny as shit, not to mention that stealing from people who are too weak to stop you gives you a pretty fucking amazing rush.
So bros, as college football’s kickoff weekend approaches, remember this: In twenty years, you will never remember what happened in the game – but getting dome in the woods by the port-o-potties after tailgating for like 7 hours is a memory that will last a lifetime. Make the memory this weekend bros.