Tuesday, September 1, 2009

#68 Tailgating

Your alarm goes off. It’s 7 am. You haven’t been awake this early since fucking high school. It’s a week deep into the Fall semester and you have been perfect in skipping all your classes. Shit doesn’t matter though, you already have all the #65 tests from last year. You’re hungover as shit and there’s fucking #48 puke in your bed. You’re pretty sure the slam piece next to you is a freshman, so she’s probably dumb as shit. Therefore you can convince her it’s her puke and make that bitch clean it up. You get out of bed, nearly fall over because you’re still wasted from last night and try to remember why the fuck you are awake 3 hours after you passed out. You hear some noise outside so you look out the window to see what the fucking deal is. As you look through your blinds aka bedsheet covering the window, your eyes light up just like the day you saw your first pair of boobs. It’s fucking gameday.

There’s no denying that bros love football, but to be honest with you, a football game is nothing without a tailgate. Bros take pride in their tailgating abilities. Tailgating is the perfect storm for bros. Combining drinking, grilling and football causes bros to nearly lose their shit in excitement. No matter how good their tailgate might actually be, bros will always claim that they have “the best tailgate,” which is due largely to the fact that they are “the best tailgaters.” This can be due to the fact that they have shit like a 6 foot sub, an ice luge, 30 cases, a fucking roasted pig, #6 beer pong tables, hundreds of jello shots, a car with sick speakers, multiple corn hole or testicle toss sets, or the hottest #59 sorority tailgating with them. That shit is good and all, but seriously, the only important part to tailgating is making sure you get fucked up.

Some of the best tailgating experiences I’ve had are when me and my bros just get a couple 30 packs and set up shop in the parking lot, with no spread or even car to stand around. “But NYB, don’t you need ice to keep your beer cold?” Fuck you bitch - you know bros chug all that shit before it gets warm. Anyways, by just standing in the lot, not only do we not have to get up at like 5 am to get a good spot, but we don’t have to spend a shitload of money either. Instead, all we do is just #2 steal as much shit as we possibly can from all the people that came prepared. This works especially well on old alumni. Often, they are just happy to have some young people to talk to. While you distract them by asking about their grandkids, have all your bros steal as much as they can from their tailgate. Sure nobody is going to eat the vegetable platter, but who gives a fuck – its funny as shit, not to mention that stealing from people who are too weak to stop you gives you a pretty fucking amazing rush.

So bros, as college football’s kickoff weekend approaches, remember this: In twenty years, you will never remember what happened in the game – but getting dome in the woods by the port-o-potties after tailgating for like 7 hours is a memory that will last a lifetime. Make the memory this weekend bros.

55 comments:

BROck Landers said...

Very good post. Football season is upon us. Hell yes. Tailgates are great and all, however, I'm a huge bro fan of actually going to the games. With a serious buzz from a tailgate, sneaking booze into an NCAA event can be quite the challenge. I'm a fan of a hipper of Beam or a shit ton of jello shots in the socks. Either way, you can keep the fire going throughout the entire game.

shaquille Bro'neal said...

bros don't take jello shots(bro status in question), beam is grade A though(totally redeemed yourself)

ih

BROcaccio said...

Shaquille BroNeal,

IH = In Hoc?

Holla for Sigs that are complete Bros!!!

Bro-Bo Cop (the original) said...

This weekend ASU is celebrating it's bro-mindset by opening all of the bars on mill ave at 6am. 1 dollar landsharks and free breakfast. A true bro-Christmas in September. We will all be taking beer bongs and ripping shots before lance armstrong wakes up to ride.

Matthew said...

everyone knows the best spot to hide booze on the way into a football game is the hood on your hoodie... i once fit an entire 6 pack back there.

JDUB said...

Bro-Bo Cop, where did you hear of this ASU function? I need details bro. PRONTO!

there can only be one BROlander said...

NCAA lacrosse championship weekend is the pinnacle of all tailgating events. ever. it's not even a fair competition.

actually i take that back, SEC football is a close second.

Brosemite Sam said...

fuck yes tailgating is what makes the game. unfortunately for me, my school is opening the season on the road at oklahoma state but my fellow bros and I are having a fanfuckingtastic crawfish boil at our house this weekend with some sororstitutes regardless.

keep on keepin on NYB

A.E.K.D.B.

Zack Brorris said...

as a post-grad bro, all this talk about tailgating has me seriously considering going to law school for the sole purpose of partying for another 3 years. 6am bar hopping and 1 dollar landsharks at ASU? sign me the fuck up.

bros are the fucking shit.

Bro-bo Cop (The Original) said...

JDUB, its all over facebook, here is the deal. Mill Ave, 6am Sun Devil Football Welcome Back. Its gonna be awesome, if your a bro, you will see Epsilon Upsilon destroying the streets.

-ihsv

BrOBGYN said...

The best part about tailgating is getting your bros to tailgate twice in a weekend. Every fuckin bro knows that the reason college football is on Saturdays and pro football is on Sunday is so that bros have the opportunity to earn bro-cred for consecutive tailgates. Totally brodacious.

BRO.

Anonymous said...

NCAA lacrosse championships may have been the broest event of all time. Three days of Lacrosstitutes, bros and beer, not to mention all the once bro old timers to steal from. All ready buying shit for Batimore in '10

Brocoa Puffs Cereal said...

F ya dog. Tailgating rules!

Sometimes my bros and I get together and tailgate for no reason, in place of a pregame. Just get some brews, burgers & steaks, and head out to a field or parking lot. It's best when ppl are around. They stare at you and want to join, but we never let them. We like to do this in the morning at places like Wal Mart, Target, any grocery store... places bro haters go- just to show them how awesome we are.

The NCAA lax championships were a good time for tailgating, but no way do they compare to football games- not just the SEC. I was at the NCAA lax championships- there is no comparison. You obviously weren't there OR you have never been to a college or pro football game. You are just lying.

I once tailgated before high school with my bros. We all got in deep shit because of it, but it was still awesome while it lasted.

Every pound slam pieces during tailgating? My bros and I do. Yeah- right in front of everyone. Wanna to go in the game? Well, you're going to walk past my bros and I pounding slam pieces doggy-style, in the parking lot, while we chug/shotgun/bong beers. That's how we roll.

Bros tailgate for the right to be wasted and watch the ultimate bros compete in the sports.

Anonymous said...

just sayin... 69 posts in 2009. way to go bros.

Anonymous said...

Ive been to LAX championship. You got to be on crack if you think it compares to football tailgates, especially in the south. Or you never been to a real football tailgate. Come to an Ole Miss football tailgate in the Grove, where the real question is not whether the football teams wins, but who has the best tailgate. Your opinion will quickly change. Oh yeah, forgot to mention all the slampieces walking around... its like fucking mosquitoes in the Amazon: they are everywhere

TSU_BroDOG said...

Who puts jello shots in socks? That shit is fuckin retarded man.

JDUB said...

I'll rep my own SoCal frat out there at ASU Bro-bo Cop. It is fucking going down. I'm fucking pumped bro!

Brocaine said...

100% I will be on mill avenue at 6am raging. Hopefully even run into ultimate bro athlete Sam Keller. I think he lives on the street, noonetheless bro status. He'll shotgun one. I have already recruited 300 slam pieces to join the bro party. Not that I even had to because they will know us bros will be there on game day ready to party and they'll be ready to be slammed! Tailgating in wal-mart parking lot, taking bro to a whole new level..nicely done brofessional. Another great move that bros do is send there pledges to wait in line at sporting events so us bro-actives get great seats. We usually just send them four maybe even five hours before the line even starts, why? because it's fucking hilarious. Saturday will be intense, but one step at a time bros...3 more nights of getting ridiculous and slammin' the slams, mostly freshman slams... party.

BROck Landers said...

A.E.K.D.B - Now you're speaking my language, Sam. Beast move. I wonder if they tailgate in BROlogna...

Bateman said...

Easiest way to sneak fucking booze in to the game is either airplane bottles in your pocket or making your date/slam-piece tape your flask to her leg under her dress.

Bro Dirt said...

Nothing beats having your frat castle directly across the street from the stadium...I remember freshmen year I actually attended a game and met some slam piece as I was walking out to drink more at halftime. Showed the whore how close the frat house was, took her to the room designated for slaying "pool room"... Got her on the pool table.. Slammed her... Then sent her back to the stadium after. Didn't even catch a name

bros are the shit

ih

Littleton Waller Tazewell Broford said...

While I can't wait for the home opener this Saturday. My Bros and I already started tailgaiting last week by throwing a "mock-tailgate" before our team's intersquad scrimmage. We figured that if the team was going to work out all the kinks and get a solid practice run, we ourselves were obligated to get back in shape by practicing our 8 a.m. beer bongs and pre-noon boat races.

We were probably the only Bros in the parking lot raging, but the joke will be on all the bro-haters this weekend, who will feel too hungover (gay) to booze hard from the crack of dawn. God, I can't wait to party with the Bros this weekend. Tailgating with Bros is the fucking shit.

Brobie Trice said...

tailgating is fucking sick. back at my school no one gave a fuck about the team since we're D1AA (JMU). everyone would just get drunk as shit in the parking lot, steal some food and bounce back home or to the bar to get more fucked up.

ihsv

Anonymous said...

correct name for lacrosstitutes is laxstitutes.. Flows better.

Bros are the shit

AriBROna State said...

FUCK YA

Tailgating rules. My bros and I have been tailgating it up for yrs. We always get so fuckin wasted. I never know what the fuck is going on. But who cares, it's fuckin awesome.

I plan to go to tons of games this year and get trashed every fuckin time. It's gonna be straight bro-kamania time all fuckin day, brother. I cant wait. I love footbal. Football is #1 bro sport.

Brony Montana said...

nice to see all these fellow sun devils on here...sure our football team sucks but we tailgate better than anyone. Most of the games start at night because its too fucking hot for the players to play at noon, so that makes for a solid 10 hours of tailgating in the 105 degree heat...people get alcohol poisoning all the time. Go Devils!! We are the ultimate bro school with the hottest chicks anywhere

Anonymous said...

Come and experience the MECCA of tailgating: Ohio State.

Brohio State Buckeye said...

BROHIO STATE HAS BRO-KAMANIA EVERYWHERE IN THE AIR

Bro Dirt said...

Problem with Ohio State is that your chicks don't shave their arm pits. Who the fuck makes that wise decision to go to school in Ohio? Blowing it

BROck Landers said...

Brohio State definitely brings it for tailgating. Hosting USC in a week for a night game should be complete insanity.

Bronan the Barbarian said...

Ah, the Big-10, always thinking they are better than every other conference.

How about an Alabama or Georgia tailgate?

Edgar Allen Bro said...

Hey Bro Dirt, get off Brohio State's back. Bros in Ohio know how to party and Browns fans tailgate hardcore!

Ivan DragBro said...

Tailgating for LAX games? Hahaha. Can we all agree that LAX, while definitely bro, isn't even in the same league as football when it comes to tailgating. Saying that your tailgate at the LAX championships was the best tailgate ever is like saying that your small college is the top party school around. While I'm sure you tore it up true bro-style at Nassau Community College, I'm pretty sure it was no Florida State.

Elibro Manning said...

Brohio State is the shiznit- best party school, hottest girls, best everything. Nothing can compare. When you walk around campus, you know it. When you go to a football game, you know it. Why did the best best player in college football come to Brohio State? Because it's the best college, duh...

No college compares to Brohio State. Who the fuck is talkin about Arizona State? Give me a fuckin break. That place sucks ass. I almost went there... then I realized I didn't want to go to a shit school with shit parties and shit slam pieces, and they suck ass at every sports.

The first day at Brohio State I knew I was at the greatest school in the world. I just fuckin walk and its like Bro-kamania all over the fuckin place. Bros just going crazy. Not 1 ugly or fat slam piece at the school. Every girl is hot as shit and slutty as shit. I've slammed at least 50,000 girls since being at Brohio State, the ultimate bro school. Oh fuck yes it is great.

Every other school wishes they were brohio state, but theyre not, so they suck ass! Go Brohio State Bro-ckeyes! Best college in the world! Hottest slam pieces! Best parties! Best sports! Best tailgating! Best everything! Oh shit yes you love it. Me too.

Bron Paul said...

BIG 12=Brews, Bitches, and BBG's!

The Brogh said...

ever tailgate at a steelers game? holy shit can those fans drink & party. amazing fans. cocky, but i guess they can be since they won the super bowl. ben is a bro.

Anonymous said...

OSU is the gayest school in the country. Their fans actually enjoy their annual assfucking by the SEC in a BCS game.

Anonymous said...

Thank you the SEC is the best conference by far in the country fuck homohio state

i am better than you said...

hahaha i love how all you retards try to justify going to state school by saying that the football tailgates are sick. get real, everyone knows that real bros get a private education and don't go to school with ten thousand asians and another eight thousand dotheads. sorry my parents aren't affected by the recession

Bro Dirt said...

Ha ha thanks for the laugh about Ohio State. That place sounds about as cool as AIDS. Best slam pieces? That's when I knew you were full of shit. ASU shits on osu ANY DAY of the week...Twice on Sunday

Brosetta Stone said...

ASU is the gayest school in America.

Is ASU good at any sports? NO
Does ASU have girls as hot as OSU? NO
Does ASU have better parties than OSU? NO
Can you get a better education at ASU? NO

Ohio State is clearly the winner and clearly the bro university of the world.

Bro Dirt said...

ASU ranked #1 overall in college athletics by sports illustrated last year. ASU is known for being the #1 party/bro school in the nation. Check playboys rankings. ASU females compare to no other school. Look at tempe12.com. And to top it off, I'm a bro so that means I am a business major and ASUs business school owns your gay school in Ohio. Enjoy the shitty weather! Nice try

MB Bro said...

As an alumni of ASU & OSU both, I feel I can make a good judgement on which school is better.

ASU obviously has better weather than OSU, that's a no-brainer. Other than that, I feel OSU is superior in all categories including, girls, sluttyness, parties, sports, education, and overall quality.

Many ppl here seem to be discounting OSU and referencing the weather a lot. The weather is not that bad, if you think it is, you are obviously a big pussy. OSU is an excellent school, all the way around, and I honestly say that after being at ASU & OSU, OSU is much better.

7 Bro 3 said...

There is nothing a true bro likes better then the mixture of drinking and football, Redskins football.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MMKWsJqDdgg

Anonymous said...

Obviously the SEC is the only conference that knows how to tailgate. At Vanderbilt, though we suck at football, we dress classy as shit, get shwasted, go to the game in the 2nd quarter, leave in the third, and go party some more. And we're private school and have some of the richest hottest girls in the nation. The SEC is the shit.

Anonymous said...

Ohio State is a joke. Enjoy all the hot chicks in hoodies and sweatpants while the teams in the south see all the bitch's in dresses. ASU is a legit party school. Hopefully you ASU bro's come to the SEC this weekend to see how UGA does it. Tip: Hit up NorthCampus for the tailgate. If for some reason you cant snag any slam pieces during or after the game, just stop by bourbon street bar and snag up a freshman sloot there.

Brosuke Fukudome said...

FOCK YA, Tailgating is the focking shit and everyone knows it. Its sat morning about 6am and me and my fellow bros roll 30 deep to our tailgate and start focking shot-gunning beers. The game is overrated we obiously blackout and find some slam piece to take back home and rail the focking shit out of only to wake up about 5pm to see that our focking team won. What do we do next, obviously start drinkin again so we can focking black out twice in one fucking day. FOCK BROHATERS

The Bro-Hater Terminator said...

Woke up at 330AM after a afternoon of pounding brews only to open another brew 30 mins later at our tailgate. we brought out portable flood lights to wake everyone up (sorority row), put on "titties and beer" and pounded til 7PM. We smooked ribs for 5 hours before gametime, after running 7 striaght on the port-o-pong, and slamming some makers mark (a true bro bourbon)...me and another bro got our dicks cleaned by some nearby tridelts


just wanted to leave a post from the defending national champions and almost always considered a top party school. go gators!

Anonymous said...

What about tailgating at DMB? All bros must love/enjoy Dave Matthews. Especially when you tell great stories of Alpine, The Gorge, Red Rocks, Boulder, ect. I insist to talk about DMB on this site. Even though a bro never adds what to say, it must be said. Along with Grateful Dead and Phish

Anonymous said...

Tailgating and Lacrosse are not correlated my bros. Hawkeye Football and Tailgating is. This season at my house in Iowa City, IA we got shit started at 5 am, 2100 Bush Lights, Liquor Luge with 10 handles, 300 people getting proper fucked in my front yard.

University of Broizona said...

I can't name nothing more nuts than the tailgates we have at almost every single one of our frats on game day, the sight of bros too smashed to pick the hamburger off the plate while yelling at slam pieces that their fat friends need to go home is nearly nothing of the experience. I know all you bros do it just as nuts at your schools. Bros love taking advantage of drinking, Bros love getting blacked after they win the game.

BRObi-one-kenobi said...

The best way to get fucked up for a tailgate is to complete the bourbon challenge - finish a whole fifth of bourbon before the game starts. It's best for games at noon. If the game is later than that and you're not a fucking bro-hater you will make sure to crush a 12 pack and slay a sorostitute before starting the challenge. There's nothing better than grilling out, listening to a live band, and destroying your other bros in a drink-off right before stumbling in to see a football game. Bros love tailgaiting.

Brony Montana said...

I go to D3 private school so no one goes to the games but everyone gets fucked up before and during the game. The only time we enter the stadium is like the last minute before the game ends...if we're losing we break shit and steal food from the concessions. if we're winning we storm the field and start fights with the other team. After beating the shit out of them you'd think it just rained with all the slam pieces watching and soaking the field. Then we take the wet bitches back and slay before we hit the bars.

Tailgating is the shit.

Ali G as BROrat... Sexytime said...

the beginning of this post sounds like one of our mornings before it moved on to the tailgating stuff... we woke up one morning to a fucking parade at 7am. "what the fuck" could be heard from every room in every apartment in our townhome complex and every frat and sorority across the street. honestly who the fuck has a war amps parade at 7am on frat row. we all proceeded to the windows overlookig the streets. yep, fucking war amps. bingo. while my boy passed out the brews we started hollering at them to shut the fuck up or we'd be down to steal their wheelchairs, then my roomate (big irish DOFF) hollered "we dont have ur leg now fuck off". 1st time since kindergarten i almost pissed myself laughing sober

Anonymous said...

The Grove 9-3-11 can't fucking wait, Ole Miss has the best tailgate in the SEC and the hottest slam pieces.

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