July 19th 2009. A day I won’t soon forget. While girls will always remember meaningless days such as the day their boyfriend agreed to their ultimatum and the subsequent #64 wedding day, bros remember different, much more important days. Bros remember the day they saw their first set, the day they lost their virginity, and most importantly – the day they #24 really lost their virginity. This day was different, yet equally monumental. It was a Sunday afternoon, so obviously I was at the bar with my bros getting fucking hammered. That’s when I got the text: “Dude, There’s an Erin Andrews sex tape!” Immediately, I called bullshit, but the texts continued to roll in. Unfortunately, along with the great news came equally troubling news. Much like the condom companies created the AIDS myth to sell more rubbers, it appeared that Erin Andrews’s publicists were spreading vicious rumors of a virus attached to the video. Since bros are smart as shit, they saw right through this bullshit. By the time I had gotten home two of my bros had already downloaded the video, and quickly, there was a group viewing. As we watched the 4 minute video taken by a low grade camera of the sideline reporter bobbing up and down naked as she did her hair through a hotel peephole, I realized just how incredible a moment I was experiencing. Fuck all you haters out there who call this pornography, smut, or worst of all “an invasion of privacy.” The Erin Andrews peephole video is the greatest work of art I have ever seen.
So why was this video such a big fucking deal? If you at any point asked that question you are clearly not a bro. Leave this website now to get back to your Anime porn and World of Warcraft. Throughout the years, there have been many smoking hot sideline reporters such as Jill Arrington, Lisa Guerrero, and Melissa Stark (if you're into anorexic chicks), but there has never been quite the attraction and cult following as there has been to Erin Andrews. The obsession has gone so far amongst my bros that we tried unsuccessfully to get tickets to the Spelling Bee when it came to DC since she was interviewing the losers aka the dumb kids. The reason for this is because Erin Andrews knows her shit. To be honest, for a bro, there really is nothing better than when a hot girl can legitimately hang in a sports conversation with bros. If there’s a blazing hot girl who loves sports as much as bros do, they immediately think two things: 1. I need to fucking lock this girl down and marry her. Or 2. She probably was a dude at some point.
Now, for all you girls out there who are reading this thinking it will help you get a boyfriend before you hit menopause, be wary. As hot as it is for a girl to know her shit about sports, it is equally as big a turnoff for a girl to claim she knows her shit and really knows nothing. Recently, while walking home from a bar at the beach with my bros and some slam pieces we had been making out with, we found out they were “diehard” Eagles fans. Since we are all Redskins fans, thus making them our #26 enemies our motives quickly turned from a romantic anonymous pounding to #44 making them cry. “Name 5 players on the Eagles,” one of my bros yelled. “Donovan McNabb, Brian Westbrook, Samuel Jackson…” Wrong fucking answer McFly. For the next four blocks we #4 chanted “We have to get these mother fucking dumb sluts off this mother fucking street!!” For some reason, we weren’t invited back to their beach house. Probably because they were on their period.