Holy shit, you’re fucked. It was just a couple weeks ago that your Dad sat you down and told you that you needed to get your shit together or else he’s going to stop paying for your tuition and rent and now this shit happens. Apparently some fucking bro hater saw you and your bros drive a golf cart into the campus lake and watch it sink while one of your bros played “My Heart Will Go On” on his kazoo. For some strange reason the fucking administration and honor council are both taking the word of the bro hater over that of a bro. How anyone can ever even think of bringing a child into a world where injustices like this go on is fucking beyond me. The Dean is pissed. With a smirk slowly crawling across his stupid fucking bro hater face, he hits you with it: “You’re expelled.” You’re head starts to spin. What the fuck just happened? Is College really over? What the fuck is going on? Am I really going to have to live at home and go to Community College with all those meth-addicts and girls who got knocked up in high school? Dejected, you quietly mutter to yourself, “This is worse than living in Haiti.”
As you get back to your #32 Bro Pad to start packing up your shit, you immediately see the answer to all your problems sitting in your living room. It’s six feet tall and purple. It’s a symbol of just how much of a bro you truly are. It’s the lifesize statue of Grimace that you and your bros #2 stole from McDonald’s this past weekend. You immediately realize that no fucking bro hater is going to end your Senior year. After all, your parents don’t even know about this shit, not to mention they’ve already paid tuition. All you need for the next four months is rent and beer money. It’s time to pull off one of the greatest bro pastimes ever. It’s time to fucking lie. Sure your parents will find out eventually when you never get your diploma, but who gives a fuck. Graduation is pretty fucking far away and there’s drinking and slamming to be done. Besides, you’re a bro, by definition one of the smartest people on the planet – you’ll think of something. In the mean time, with pesky school out of the way, all you’ll have to do for the next couple months is drinking, banging, and lying through your fucking teeth to your parents so they’ll keep sending you money.
Bros fucking love to lie. They fucking do it all the time. You know who loves to tell the truth? That’s right, fucking bro haters. What the fuck does telling the truth get you? A fucking merit badge for your Boy Scout sash? Fuck that. Bros realize that everyone lies, but much like everything else in life ( #23 drinking and driving, #31 having sex with strangers, #14 having rich parents, etc.) bros have perfected that shit. Let’s take a look at a few of the groups of people who bros love to lie to.
Complete Strangers: Say you’re driving down the street and you come to a stop light. All of the sudden some old woman who looks like she crawled out of her grave this morning motions for you to roll down your window.
“Excuse me Sonny – can you tell me how to get to the Pharmacy. I have to pick up my medication and can’t seem to remember quite where it is.”
“Oh no problem,” and you give her the directions – or so she thinks. Little does she know you just sent her on a wild goose chase on the fucking Interstate.
Hilarious. Maybe next time she’ll wise up and invest some of that drug money into a navigation system.
Police – Throughout the history of time, there has never been a documented case of a true bro ever being honest with the fucking cops. I mean how could you ever be expected to when they ask such condemning questions, like, “How much have you had to drink tonight?” or “Sir, Is that #70 weed I smell” or “Did you really think it was a good idea to #97 take a dump on the hood of a school bus in broad daylight?” I mean, seriously, what do we look like? Fucking idiots? Of course we’re gonna lie about that shit. It’s called the 5th amendment, bitch.
Girls – Sure it’s fun to fuck around with old people and avoid getting arrested, but when it comes down to it, there’s one group of people who bros have mastered the art of lying to: fucking slam pieces. Everyone fucking knows that bros are like a million times smarter than any girl, but when we start to use that superior intelligence to our advantage is when there’s just no chance at all for girls. Bros fucking love getting wasted and telling girls ridiculous lies like, “I lost you’re number, but now that you gave it to me a second time I’ll definitely #49 call you,” “I’ll totally take you out on a date next week,” or “I’ll pull out.” I mean please, if you actually believe a bro when he says something like, “I don’t want to be with anyone else except you,” then you might as well believe in fucking Rumpelstiltskin too, because its pretty much a fairy tale.
Bros realize just how fucking amazing that they are, but every now and then they need that extra boost. You’re a fucking bro, one of the most important and influential people in the entire world. People will believe anything you say.